when i said that nancy dewolf smith must have sucked a lot of dick to become a writer and part of the ed board of the wall street fucking journal.

well get in line wRyan, that post was about me being offended, dumb ass.

MUST I EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU FUCKING HYPERSENSITIVE NON-HANDWASHING BLOGSPOTTING CANADIANS?

well forget it because you’re not worth my time, and im busy watching regis.

link my ass permanently on your three hit a day site and maybe i’ll pay attention to you, which is what you’re begging for, don’t lie, you’re so transparent.

you’re allegedly offended because you’re exactly like nancy dewolf smith jealous that a superstar gets great reviews so you want to try to put us in our place with your ramblings. as always canada, try harder. raise your fist at the sun.

only thing worse than a bad writer dissing critics who praise a punk rocker’s number one best seller is a blogspotter trying to dis a blogger dissing a bad writer for trying to dis critics who praise a punk rockers number one best seller.

if you’ve read me for even a month wRyan, you know that i am capable of anything when im pissed off. unlike the ladies, i don’t just get offended. i get even.

so yes, i would call a man a cocksucker if i thought he was a bad writer whose head was up his ass. but i probably haven’t because then people might think that i have something against gays, which i do not, because they normally write much better than whores like nds in the wsj who think that its okay to kick a dead man when he’s down because he’s getting good reviews.

who the fuck is she to rain on his parade? is that her job at the wsj, to attack critics who give good reviews to good books? since when is that a career?

maybe i will spell it out to you wRyan, because i just remembered that i have a lot of canadian readers and i wouldn’t want them to think that i truly have anything against our neighbors to the north.

what i did in my piece, which you lie and say was the “worst post ever” is what i do every damn time: i addressed the concern, i provided a solution, and i led by example.

my first problem with ms. smith was her lede was terrible. it was slanderous and ridiculous and she never backed it up with anything. but worst of all it was dull while trying to be scandalous.

so what i did was show her how to write a lede.

bitch.

then i built on that lede. line after line after ridiculously obscene line.

big difference was mine was good and entertaining and motivating enough to get you off your ass and write a comment, even before you read her piece.

you played yourself, wRyan, but it’s cool, i blame the socialized meds, not you.

then i addressed my attacks and wondered out loud if it was wrong to judge a woman in such a sexist predictably hateful way, and answered it with a big fuck no because that’s what she was trying to do to not only kurt but to any journalist who gave a good review to his journals.

and i wrote it as ugly as she wrote hers.

and i wrote it better.

and instead of bashing it, i overkilled it while smoking a parliament and wearing a cockring

because that’s what the people want

motherfucker.

and i got to elbow your boyfriend greenspan when he wasn’t looking, and i got a cheap shot on your girlfriend gw when he thought i had forgotten, and i got to dirty my knuckles on the sweetest and easiest and biggest icon of journalism while defending rock and roll incarnate.

don’t like it? then suck off celine dion some more.

or perhaps you should go prostrate yourself at the feet of the priests of the temples of syrinx like a bitch.

i will say this once and for all. this blog is for the entertainment of me me me.

if you like it say so. if you don’t, piss off and be better than me.

i do this so that women will fall in lust with me and men will send me money.

and the comments are there for people to tell me how much i fucking rock

so use them properly.

oliver willis

you can stop flooding my inbox with fantasies of featherbeds and dance routines, pink champagne and restraints.

im just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit.

took a midnight train

going anywhere.

los angeles is on fire. its warm as summer here. at least eighty five, maybe ninety. and not too windy. the wind blew all the crap out of the skies so its warm clear hot babes everywhere. we know this is borrowed time but it doesnt matter, it makes a guy like me feel 79 again.

people ask me to write about michael jackson and his kids, but i wont. black folk dont like to talk about other black folk losing their minds. and obviously he’s just doing it all for the nookie, i mean for the attention.

and the warm weather just makes me meloncholy cuz i wish i did have a fast car, fast enough that we could fly away.

i would keep driving till it stopped being warm and gorgeous then i would double back, maybe go down a dusty road following the edge of warmth and if the road stopped, well i guess then we’d have to push the blinking orange button that would levitate us over the trees over the hills and above the clouds where days like these live every day.

when i was a boy in chicago i would look at the birds outside my window on the sill and id say stupid bird you could be anywhere in the world what are you doing here in cold chicago and it would twist its neck and blink.

karisa has exciting adventures that i wish she would allow me to share with you, and i suppose tony has exciting adventures that he wishes he could share with you too but there is a strange immediacy to writing in this media that makes some things feel like theyre better left saved for novels where we really pretend that its fake.

but if i told you that karisa got drunk last night with her pals and rode the bull at the saddle ranch and saw some famous people including the southern girl from real world vegas i guess thats not showing off.

and if i told you that i got to hang out with a skinny blonde girl who watched buffy while i showered and sang along to jayz and then shaved and then got to be close to her thats not really showing off i hope.

and if i told you that this morning i clicked on mad pony and was suprised to see that they put up a cute little photo gallery would you come back to me, or would you just stay over there and forget who sent ya?

ah, if only i was 87 years younger and living on a ranch in oklahoma where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain.

and dont tell them but i cant figure out which one is kristen and which one is lauren but does it really matter?

i do know which one is meesh and it bums me out that she hasnt updated.

so lets all go over there and fill her comments box with pleas and excertations, shall we?

meesh

i think she has esp that all the hot single women of sweden and asia and planet zip are sending me their emails and telling me all the nice things that a fella wants to read when he wakes up in the morn.

we met in the lobby of the xbi and she had been in traffic for two and a half hours and she said that she didnt want to be in the car any more.

can we walk to your home? she asked.

of course, i said. she had both arms around me as we walked. there are gentlemen who dont like this sort of attention, but i think its great. across the street was the baja fresh mexican place. i said would you like some baja? and she shook her head up and down and pouted as if the 405 had victimized her and only pampering via guacamole and chips and a thick quesedia could cure.

and a kiss on the forehead.

i pushed her away for a second and twirled her around so i could get a good look. she happilly obliged.

silk shirt with an asian pattern, little white shirt underneath, sexy bra straps saying hi, tight jeans, sweet shoes, daisy behind her ear and a sticker that said taken that she peeled off and put on my cheek.

who wouldnta been taken?

we sat out in the night under the umbrella watching the cars pass by on wilshire when a very nice chap came up to us and said, “tony pierce? im matt. you linked my girlfriend.

i said who’s your girlfriend?

he said katie hall.

i said wow! i saw your girlfriend dance on her site with you! dude i love your site, how to be hip!

he said, i love your site, are you kidding me!

ashley cleared her throat.

oh oh yes, matt, this is the famous ashley.

we exchanged pleasantries and when he left ashley said, does this happen all the time that you eat here, famous boy?

i said, yes. despite being in the shadow of the screen actor’s guild, variety, e!, and many production offices like the fifth wheel and the hollywood squares, mr. blogger boy is the most famous face in the food court.

then we went to the video store which doesnt have many video tapes any more. when did that happen? picked up pulp fiction which ashley somehow had never seen before and i dont think ive seen since i saw it on opening night.

this morning it was nearly impossible to leave the daisy princess who laid beatifully in my bed as the warm breeze nudged the thin drapes as the parrots chirped in the palm trees and the school bus picked up some neighbors.

but alas here i am. big day of fighting crime ahead.

thanks for all the notes you all have left. and for those who have clicked the button on the left, the anna button, to order books, gracias. there are just a few left if you want a First Edition which will be sure to include some embarrassing errors that will be corrected in the second edition run.

rock today, superheroes, okay?

how to be hip

and theres nothing your friends can do about it or your lawyers or your loved ones or emmanuel lewis. you just do your thing and hope nobody gets hurt or you don’t get the shit beat out of you.

i have lost my mind a few times.

i have been insane in the membrane.

nothing in this is true so i can tell you about the time when someone slipped something in my drink and then someone slipped something into my cigar and then someone escorted me to the beach and we watched the sunset. we each had a beer. then this little elf bounded his way down the cliffs of isla vista and said

hi boys, would you like to suck from this magical balloon of looney love

and i had never seen an elf before and there he was in his felt suit and big red nose and his basket of gold and pointy shoes with bells on the toe and he looked at us like a dog would, with a cocked head and blush on his cheeks, were those whiskers?

and we were young guys and the sun was setting and the waves and the sea gulls and the surfer girls and surfer rosa was playing on a boom box and we said what the heck and first my buddy sucked some in and then i sucked some in and then the elf had some and then flipper swam to shore and the elf gave him some and then my buddy had one as soon as he exhaled, no air in-between, and then i did the same and then flipper cut in line and took a toke and then did a back flip and then the elf took a drag and offered it to us but we said no thanks and held it in as loooooong as we could and then the elf bowed to us and sank right into the sand.

and then i started to drift away.

away from you.

away from my buddy.

i was drifting up into the sky.

i could see my body down there against the rocks, i could see the pacific and the sunset and del playa and the houses and then i came back down into my body slowly.

ahhhhh

i took a breath of fresh air, god that was scary

oh shit then i floated up again this time higher way higher i could see all of isla vista, part of francisco torres, sands beach deveraux mental hospital lots more of the ocean, the curve of the horizon. fucking A the islands!

it felt like i was the ball on a gigantic paddle ball and i went back down to my body, faster this time, i didn’t dare take another breath of air

but i did and there i floated back up again. shit shit shit.

up up up.

goleta.

ocean.

santa barbara.

i had only been this high up when i was in an airplane flying home from a business trip nose smooshed up against the window.

the silver cord connecting rubber ball me with the paddle was going to stretch too far i feared and i would float up into heaven, a failure, a cheat. what are you doing here anthony h. pierce the third?

i lost my mind, sir.

hmmm, you’re not scheduled to be here for another 102 years. you’re a very bad boy, to hell with you.

but that didn’t happen, i was brought back to earth thanks to a sip of beer that my buddy advised me to take because i looked green. hippie chemistry. headache, smoke weed. weed headache, eat aspirin. hangover, drink rum. sensitive from acid, smoke pot. heartbroken, eat x. too much x? smoke pot. it went on and on.

the beer worked. dulled the visuals.

then the waves began to digitize.

pixilate.

the smoothness of sight had been replaced by digital colors of green red and blue, grainy like sand. the sand had turned into grainy red sand, it looked like a satellite feed from overseas in the middle of a nighttime firefight.

but it was sunset.

then it was just squares of colors.

and then just beige squares.

and then just black.

floorpie

so get up and do a little dance. the mighty mc came to this town in a space pod after his hometown planet exploded after the annual love fiesta got a little out of control and too many of the ladies in the house said hooooooeeee.

raised by amazons in a lion preserve in west afrique marc brown learned to bust with the rhymes well before dmc’s rock box but that chapter in us history is often overlooked because no one wants to think that a white man brought rap to the brotha. all i gotta say is the truth will set you free, people, so testify and give it up to marc with a c.

brown delivers. so much so that hollywood records wanted tsar to name their first record “the marc brown years” but at the last minute just called it tsar. big mistake.

while looking for his canoe and his blue ox, mark did the austrailian crawl across the sea and landed in seatle where he was raised in the trees by hippies. they gave him his american name which was alot easier to say than click click but maybe not.

the ladies loved cool b as they still do but back then he didnt know how to fend them off as delicately as he does now. back then he was too honest. he would make them all cry and it only made them fall harder for him.

one day he threw a frisbee over the head of dave grohl barefoot in the park. he said, “my bad” which was the first time anyone had ever said that and ran to retrive the flying disc. he found it on the penisula of isla vista some 1600 miles away. he looked around and felt instantly at home. he signed up for classes at the junior college, got himself a show on the radio where he played hip hop and smooth jazz and a legend was born.

marc brown was going to night school.

a few years later he transfered to ucsb and ran for president. he got 60 votes but the nexus said he got 69 and put it on the front page. all the ladies put their hands in the air, and shook em around like they just didnt care.

marc brown got so much tail in college that i used to walk behind him just to get hit by the shrapnel.

his record collection was always bigger than mine. it was a party school with hundreds of kegs a night. thousands on weekends and if you saw the mc was there you knew you were in the right place. i cant tell you how many concerts i went to that he was there too. skynyrd, lyle lovitt, tom ball and kenny sultan, hank jr., yanni. marc always was there with his backstage laminents, always an extra one for me and a cold frosty one in a plastic cup. he’d lick his hand and smear his hand stamp on mine. i’d give him a tab of acid and we’d call it even.

ah, memories.

so heres to you Mr. Birthday Boy Blogger Web Design Loft Dweller Karaoke Singing Keeping it Real Man.

you’re the true american hero of the day. and an example to all of us. and by the way, i ganked the top most blog pic from his site. thanks, cheif!

marc brown

hi. yes i love you. thank you for your letters and pictures and emails and phone calls and gifts and promises of lust.

do you know how great that makes me feel?

do you know how low my self esteem is and how many demons whisper sour nothings into my ear like at all times?

you all ask so many questions about ashley and if you want to know her secret superpower it’s that she always makes me feel loved and wanted and sexy and masculine and smart and good with my hands, etc. when i ask her if she had a good time with me the other night her eyes get big and she will squeeze my hand and say, yeeeeeess. oh god yes.

that works on me.

flattery will get you everywhere.

one cute girl writes me the dirtiest emails. maybe some of you don’t know that that’s allowed. of course it’s allowed. let yourself go. i want you to trust me and feel free with me. why not?

she tells me all the things she wants to do to me when she flies here from stockholm. she tells me what she will wear and what she will say and what she wants me to say. shes quite descriptive. she says she has many day dreams. she remembers these daydreams, and its true she has many.

but one thing that worried me was when she said that she doesn’t have safe sex. she said that she trusts her boyfriend and that shes on the pill and for some reason in sweden she thinks that that’s safe.

so i asked her what’s swedish for ha.

you can trust your boyfriend all you want but i don’t trust him. im not saying that he’s cheating on you, or that he did some dirty skank ho the week before he met you. but im going to pretend that he does cheat on you and he did three skank hos before he met you. and i suggest you do the same.

unless you two are conjoined twins joined at the bellybutton if you’re not using condoms every single time you’re out of your mind.

let me tell you about the boy who you say you trust. he is so ignorant about his thing and he’s so reckless with it and he’s so led by it that it’s insane.

ask your true love if he washes his hands every time that he uses the bathroom.

this is a trick question but ask him anyhow.

if he says yes ask him if he takes a paper towel to turn off the water after he washes his hands. then ask him if he takes a paper towel to use on the handle if he leaves the bathroom.

if he answers no to any of those questions think about where he puts his hands when he comes over to see you.

then think if im gonna put my hand there, or my face, or worse, lil tony without a condom.

swedish for ha.

when men take a dump and wipe their ass the first thing they touch is that sink and the dials on that sink then they wash their hands then they take those clean hands and touch that dirty sink to turn it off. then they wipe their dirty hands with a towel then they touch the door handle with their ass hands then they put their hands on you!

but what he did before that is even worse. he walked into the bathroom and unzipped his pants and put his hands on his schween. he peed and Then he washed his ass hands. so not only does he leave that bathroom with filth all over him, but now his innocent dick which has been completely covered by layers has germs from bro’s daily adventures.

what does your boyfriend do? is he a mechanic? does he type at a typewriter all day? does he ride the bus and hold on to the handles? does he ever press the buttons of elevators? homeless men piss on the buttons of the elevators of the subway in my town. how about yours?

so the correct answer to the loaded question is, “honey, i wash my hands before And after i use the bathroom, cuz i know where my dick has been, but i cant even begin to remember where my hands have been.”

hot babes, i know where i want my hands to be. and i know where they’ve been. i know that they can be eaten off.

can everything that you have be eaten off?

doubt it.

so that’s just the hands. i know your boyfriend. he touches himself all the time. if i dated you i would be touching myself all the time too. its not a put down, trust me. but he doesn’t take care of his hands and he doesn’t take care of his donk and that’s because you’re not making him.

and ps if he met christina aguelera at the viper room and she said lets do it in my limo and if he said i dont have a condom, and if she said dont worry im on the pill, he’d do her.

and pps he’d do the same with a girl who’s not named christina aguelera too. its our nature. it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s not something to be ignored.

however, when it comes to getting some, ladies, we will listen to you. i didn’t learn these things from the fellas. i learned these things from uptight hotties who never ever ever wanted to catch anything while having fun. theres no reason for it. it feels great enough even with protection. trust me it does. and if it doesn’t you’re with the wrong person.

so i emailed this to my blonde betty of the north and she asked me what she could do to make herself worthy in light of all of this.

i said what you need to do is get yourself checked out. go to the doctor and tell them you want an aids test and a vd test. meanwhile get your boyfriend tested. then don’t ever have sex without a condom. only time this can change is when you get married.

our parents’ generation say that they saved sex for marriage, mmmh hmmm i believe that. the following generations probably wont ever live up to that but they should save non-safe sex for marriage. i don’t think that’s a bad compromise.

think about how great your wedding night will be. you would have been recently tested. you will look at your rings, and your gifts and your white purse full of envelopes, and then you will look at your test results and for the first time since reading this blog post you will have sex without a condom and trust me when i tell you it will be a night you will never forget.

okay that’s the sermon for this morning. i heart you miss sweden and your girlfriends who you want to travel here with and share with me. but if you do that everyone must have the proper documentation.

then you can teach me some other foreign words.

your pal,

tony

how to live your life my way

i had one of the best weekends in a long time. it was so much fun making out with you. i didnt think that a big time hollywood movie star would find me in the least bit interesting, but thank god for pills huh?

after i dropped you off friday night i went home and started going through my email. i had something from the girls over at mad pony who said some of the sweetest things to me. i love fan mail, dont you?

dear women of the world, if you want to make me happy please keep sending those cards and letters. its makes me so happy.

on saturday my exgirl chris took me to see your movie with eminem. i must say i was blown away. what a great movie. so not cheesy. great movie. even dissed my boys the beasties, which was so funny. i loved it. and brittany you looked so hot. you popped right off the screen. my neighbor said that you looked too good for that crew but sometimes its like that.

thank you for the new jay-z cd. i love it. it reminds me of pauls boutique. so many different musical styles. i remember back then the dust brothers were the shit and now the neptunes are, and they obviously opened their notebooks and let the jiggaman take whatever he wanted and hell, he took a double album full. what a hip hop weekend i had. maybe thats why im so happy.

maybe its you.

it was so much fun hanging out with chris though. shes so gorgeous and we have so much fun together. we had spinach and shrimp and scallops and lettuce wraps at pf changs and the spinach was so garlicy we barely ate any and they were nice enough to remove it from the bill which shocked me because theyre not really known for their service, but that was super slick, so thank you pf. we’ll be back.

and then maybe ten minutes after chris dropped me off at home ashley surprised me and showed up with some pizza slices and decided to spend the night which was good because i dont like staying mad for too long and she was very apologetic and very beautiful and bought these new little socks that looked real good and sometimes a girl will say, lets do anything you like, and you dont know what to do and other times a girl will say that and you’ll know exactly what to do.

and as much as i try to push ashley away, on many many levels we are eye to eye, i feel extremely comfortable with her, she fully loves me no matter what bs is happening, she totally wants me, and i really know my boundaries with her. we watched the last half of “gimme shelter” which she’d never seen and then you on saturday night live, and you were terrific by the way, and then we went to bed.

tossed and turned and eventually fell asleep.

in the morning i woke up and i tried to crawl out of bed as football was calling my name and she had the death grip on me and even asleep she wanted me. i said it’s twenty minutes after ten, i must leave. and she said, no, cuddle.

long naturally curly blonde hair, cute little necklace, she looks like a hippie girl straight out of the sixties when shes naked. little wood nymph girl with a big smile. she said ten more minutes. i said i wouldnt miss a half hour of football if you were pam anderson.

fifty minutes later i was finally leaving the bedroom and i realized that there werent any games i wanted to see, so we drove over to poquito mas and had lunch, then the ninety nine cents store, then she had to go to work and i had to watch the raiders.

ah, the raiders. east bay assassins. and no finer victim than that man named brady.

under the cover of darkness the silver and black ripped apart the pats and it was delicious. but i wont gloat because this season isnt even half way done and the raiders are in the toughest division in the nfl. and theres bigger fish to fry.

all i have to say is thank you lord, it was a great weekend and i didnt deserve an ounce of it.

anyhow, brittany, sorry i gave you a hickey. i promise i wont be that rough again.

xoxoxox

tp

keanuvision

so on friday i made a u-turn after i left work and climbed back into chopper one.

this time without the prying eyes and hands and commands of hq.

i took her up and started pressing all the buttons i didnt see described in the three ring binders ive been pouring over.

most people wouldnt recommend that you do such things at 40k feet but most people would tell you that im not most people.

fortunately choppper one is idiot proof because the xbi knows that the only people who would ever be crazy enough to be flying an untested black copter that could be mistaken by the military as being a threat, would be crazy enough to

oh shit.

the seat suddenly became very warm and began vibrating like crazy.

a sultry voice said

massager

i flicked another switch and a fluid poured into my mask.

canadian dry ginger ale

i flicked the switch again

diet canadian dry ginger ale

i flicked it twice more and the fluid stopped.

instead of pressing the buttons or blindly, and may i add, foolishly touching the controls, you can just ask me. the voice said.

how about shutting the hell up. i thought.

i should probably alert you that i can also read your mind. your helmet, captain.

i pushed the throttle and began tearing across the sky.

ive been waiting for you the voice said. no need to fight me.

i pulled back on the wheel and the copter began to flip.

the boys below warned me not to try to “eat her out” which was a crude way of saying to fly upside down.

suddenly the machine righted itself, the panel lights flashed in unison and blinked off.

not so fast

i couldnt move my arms. i couldnt move my feet. the lights went back on but they blinked in patterns.

ive adjusted the magnetic field in the cabin. your jet suit is now forcing you to sit still.

and thats when chopper one took it out of first gear and began to really fly.

random fixation

from JPL News today.

The early morning hours of Nov. 19 (late tonight) may be your last chance to see the spectacular Leonid meteor shower in its full glory, according to astronomers.

“Even with the full Moon, this year’s Leonids will probably be better than any other for the next hundred years,” said Dr. Don Yeomans, an astronomer at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, Calif. “If you’re ever going to see them, this might be the year to try.” NASA is taking advantage of the event for several research efforts around the world.

The shower is predicted to have two peaks, each a couple of hours long, during which the most meteors can be seen. The shower’s second peak, most prominent in North American skies, is expected at around 2:30 a.m. (Pacific time) Nov. 19, and promises the rare spectacle of a few meteors every minute or even more. “Observers in good locations away from city lights might see a few hundred per hour. You’ll only get to see the bright ones because the moonlight will wash out the ones that aren’t as bright,” said Yeomans. Last year, observers did not have to contend with the Moon and saw meteors at a pace of several hundred per hour.

An earlier peak is expected over Europe and Africa the night of Nov. 18, and observers in North America might see a few grazers — meteors skimming the top of the atmosphere — from this first peak starting around 8:30 p.m. (Pacific time) Nov. 18.

The Leonids are grains of dust from comet Tempel-Tuttle colliding into Earth’s atmosphere. Most Leonid particles are tiny and will vaporize very high in the atmosphere due to their extreme speed (about 71 kilometers or 44 miles per second), so they present no threat to people on the ground or even in airplanes. As it progresses in its 33-year orbit, the comet releases dust particles every time it comes near the Sun. Earth intersects the comet’s debris trail every year in mid-November, but the intensity of each year’s Leonid meteor shower depends on whether Earth ploughs through a particularly concentrated stream of dust within the broader debris trail.

The dust that Tempel-Tuttle shed in 1866 makes up the stream predicted to give Americans a good show this year. Last year, people in Asia saw the plentiful collisions within that stream. A dust stream from 1767 provided last year’s peak hour of viewing in North America and will provide this year’s peak hour of viewing in Europe. After 2002, Earth won’t hit either of those streams again for decades to come, and is not predicted to encounter a dense Leonid stream until 2098 or 2131.

The golden rule for watching the Leonids — or any meteor shower — is to be comfortable. Be sure to wrap up warmly — a sleeping bag placed atop a lawn chair facing east is a good way to enjoy the show. Put your chair in a clear, dark place with a view of as much of the sky as possible. Don’t stare at any one place. Keep your eyes moving across the sky. Most Leonids will appear as fleeting streaks of light, but watch for the bigger ones that produce fireballs and trails. Some trails will remain visible for several minutes or more.

scienceblog

bring on green bay