dear mariah carey,

hi. i love you. problem is you got married and you didnt get divorced cuz of adultery, so sadly we cant make beautiful love according to the good book.

never mind that. whats important is you need a blog.

i know you have tons of web sites made by people who adore you, but you need a handsome young man like moi who could follow you around and spin your life into the butterfly charmbraclet dream that it is.

youre probably the most beautiful soul singer out there right now, and youre definitely the best singer under 30. and youre the number one best selling female singer of all times.

so whats up with not having a blog?

dont you think your lambs want to know what your day is like? dont you think your critics want to know how hard you work? dont you think the world could use mariah updates three times a day and a place for you to put your messages of love from your lips to our ears each and every time you even think about it?

of course.

im the number 492349057435798 selling male singer of all time and i can let people know how i feel about anything at any time. why cant you?

for example, here it is 6:22pm, its miller time, its time for me to drive home in karisas truck and prepare for a late night with Tsar, the finest rock band in the usa, and if i want to say my nutsack itches i can say it mariah.

if i want to say fuck bush fuck bush fuck bush, i can.

if i want to thank the sweet redhead who told me i could be her boyfriend if she could be my girlfriend, then i can say it.

if i want to not thank ashley for being mean to me on the phone while i was flying over the greater los angeles region in chopper one, i can say it.

dont you see the power and the glory that youre missing out on, mariah?

dont you see that the most lovely songstress to grace our lives in a long time needs a little more exposure, the right sort of exposure, the best sort of exposure?

cant you see that the book on mariah carey doesnt need to be written by the naysayers who wouldnt write a nice book about you anyway?

let me write that story. let me show the world that xtina and britney are just little girls compared to you.

let me present the facts as they are, big and bold and juicy and full of soul.

let me remind the world why you are here and why you arent going away and how youre not a step away from playing vegas forever like celine, that youre as viable now as you ever were, if not more so.

let me show pictures of that womanly torso.

your biggest fan,


bloopy + bing + blinky

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