if you elected me governor of your state

blogger of your website, or even janitor at your bowling alley,

one thing that you would never ever ever have to lose any sleep over

is that i would never come to you or call a press conference

and say, i have been cheating on my lovely wife

with a man.

and thats because im as loyal as a lap dog.

college was tough. i gotta say that.

jeanine and i were madly in love, but we had some neighbors, and friends who were tempting.

hell, all of isla vista was a calvacade of hot tamales walking around in their miniskirts or cut offs.

i learned a technique that i ended up using later in life because it worked.

if i saw a hot chick walking down the street i looked down on the ground

if a cutie said hi to me, i would look at her shoes.

people probably thought that i was a rain man because i wouldnt look them in the eye and i would stutter a lot and i would say definately a lot.

mons pubis is definately playing at Xanadu Lanes, i would say. definately. right after wapner. definately after wapner.

the problem is, people dont look at their shoes anymore, and they should.

anna kournikova has the right idea, she doesnt come over to my house because she knows that she wont be able to keep her dirty little hands off me.

and vice versa.

i dont care that theres a gay gov in jersey, and i dont think any enlightened person does. i think they care that he cheated on his wife, and lied to her, and is probably a liar to the public on other things.

and after reading the buzzmachine, turns out he was a bad governor.

and thats too bad because some people might think that he was a bad gov cuz he was a gay gov.

im sure being gay had zero to do with it.

similarily we dont blame the president for being a bad president because hes a retard.

we blame him for being bad because he’s a deceptive retard with no vision, no plan, no sense of duty to the country that he represents, and because he deserted during a time of war and then covered it up by destroying the records.

the gay gov of jersey is bad because he lied to his wife. im sure the corruption that he was part of, allegedly, will start streaming out in the next few days, to the utter glee of those who find glee in those things.

hopefully it began and ended with appointing his gay lover Jersey Homeland Security director.

right now i just feel bad for his old lady.

and i would love it if springsteen could replace him, if only for a little while.

buzzmachine + kitty bukkake + bunny has lesbo shots

all i wanted to do was get online at 10am

and get my beastie boys tickets.

there are very few times in my day where minutes and seconds mean everything, besides the shootouts, and the car chases, and the knifeplay,

but thats a given,

and now that i think of it, so much of that is pre-planned, that a minute here or there shouldnt matter because when you work as a team its sorta like

group a … GO!

group b, hold back.

group c, cover the alley.

but ticketmaster… fuck. when the shits go on sale at 10am, you better have your shit together at 10am.

and lord help you if youre hitting reload cuz it wont click to a new screen at 10am when the floodgates open.

you have to click the Back button and then click the link.

its all so terrible.

if i had ten minutes with our new president John Kerry i would spend the ENTIRE time asking him why we should tolerate this monopoly?

not only did i get stiffed $9.55 per ticket for “covenience fee” but they got me $3.35 for the order processing fee.

so to buy two $45 tickets, i have to pay them $20 for the priveldge.

i still dont know the difference between convenience fee and order processing fees.

i did get 5th row for my favorite rap group.

but no thanks to ticketmaster.

thanks to my former xbi mate rob t, who didnt need to flow me with the kroq internet presale password, but he did. (BOROUGHS).

and now on 9/13 i get to take my true love to see a great show.

despite my phone ringing off the hook, despite being pissed off that ticketmaster gets such a huge cut. despite now being really hungry.

imagine if the instapundit spent a quarter of the time and effort and influence that he has to help break up Ticketmaster’s unfair stranglehold on the american consumer, which would actually benefit the average citizen of this fine land

instead of being a righty tool by joining in on the latest smear campaign by trying to convince his millions of readers that john kerry really didnt earn those purple hearts and wasnt the soldier that he (and his band of brothers) says that he was

you may say im a dreamer

i probably am.

bruner + coyote + flagrant‘s error page + danielle