what french? the french. apparently a lot of bloggers here in LA are being interviewed for a french documentary about southern california bloggers.

of course i forgot that they were coming and so my house is super messy and i dont have anything cold to offer them. but here they are now doing whats called B-Roll which is them filming me type on the computer. this is what they will edit in for like the wide shots and stuff i imagine.

all i know is miss montreal had been over and she happened to have one of those wacky tobbacy cigarrettes with her and the whole place sorta smells funky like im some hippie.

i do know a little french but i dont know how to say i am not a hippie

even though i am.

anyhow i think we’re done here with my good pals from paris. i made sure that i was wearing my pajamas and once again i think that if blogger knew what was good for them they would market blogger brand pajamas.

whoops they want more b-roll, now with the baseball cap on.

i dont really wear the cap much inside, or the beanie, but you know thats how it is.

thank god my mom doesnt live in france, if she knew that i had such a messy place she would be bummed out that i let these dudes in here.

i wish i had studied french more in school.

i know i have a lot of readers who are in high school. first of all, whats up.

heres my advice for you: study in spanish and french classes, it will work out for you, trust me. i just met the sweetest girl on the bus who was mexican. she had what appeared to be a daughter but it couldnt have been her daughter. but she looked so young and she had such a short skirt on and her legs were so– all i wanted to say was is that your daughter or your sister but i didnt practice my spanish in school kids and so i couldnt and what if she had said all the right things like my husband died in the war and left me a widow and my cute little daughter here and orphan and i would have said thats cool just come over to my house theres plenty of room for all of us

even though there isnt, but i would have said that in spanish and it would have sounded cool

instead we just sat next to each other and smiled and she said hola and i said hola and the little kid looked at me and shied away and looked at me again and whispered hola and i was all hi baby.

it’s now much later. the french are gone. they were so cool. they had just interviewed defamer. they spent about 90 minutes with me. they had me read from “the ten commandments of tony” they did this one thing where they made me sit with my eyes closed quietly for a full minute while they filmed. it was nuts. i dont know what happened but it was fun, even though i didnt say one thing good or funny.

they will be at marc browns tomorrow to interview him too. i bet he does way better.

they liked my pajamas.

howard sterns message boards are back + emmanuelle + highways west

Your writing is very good and I enjoy reading you. I’m just a little confused about the whole virgin “fetish” you seem to have. If you’re looking for the true love of your life, she’s most likely not going to be what you think you want. Know what I’m saying? It’s kind of like Matthew Perry’s character says in “Fools Rush In”, “You’re everything I never knew I always wanted.” This is probably getting a little confusing for those of the male persuasion, so lemme explain. You’re NOT going to find love chasing a certain “type”. You’re not likely to find it at all when you’re looking for it. And you almost certainly will not find it with someone you lust after. (But lusting after your true love will come later and be the most intense lust ever.) Also, quit trying to make love to a body, and make love to a mind. I say all this with the deepest respect. Good luck in your endeavors.

– Wildcat

Gentle Reader,

Thank you for your comments it’s always nice to hear that people enjoy what I write.

As for your confusion… I am a man of many fetishes, but none include being with virgins.

I have had the opportunity of being with three virgin women in my long life. Although I cared very much for each of these sweet angels, the experience of having the pleasure of sharing one’s first encounter is something that I have never been much interested in.

All of the bizarre psychological reasons that some men find exciting in regards to being the first lover of a fair maiden dont fascinate me in the slightest. Call me crazy but I like to be with someone who knows what theyre doing in matters of cooking driving and rocking, so definately I would want someone experienced the in emotional and physical realm of banging.

Virgins arent the best ones to be on top of when you pull their hair and whisper dirty nothings while awakening the intel inside.

With that said, I’ve found that oftentimes it’s not the man who chooses his mate but the woman who chooses hers. The gentleman can approach the woman and announce his intentions, but it is generally the gentlewoman who accepts or rejects. In fact in some cases it is the woman who approaches the man to notify him that he indeed has been selected. That has sometimes been the case in my so-called life.

Longtime readers know that I aspire to be an openminded person. I try not to discriminate due to age or nationality or appearance or religion or political leaning, therefore I also wouldnt discriminate due to sexual experience. I think some young women find that appealing and consider me, therefore, a good candidate to be with on their first time, particularily since I am pretty good about not judging while beneath the sheets.

I have no idea where true love will come from in my life. If I die without finding a wife or a longtime love, and I go to Heaven and complain, I would hate for the Lord to say, “bro, we sent you a few virgins who would have been perfect for you had you given them a chance, instead you went for those flashy hos.” That’s why I don’t turn away girls that I have enjoyed dating once they reveal their past, or lack thereof.

As for making love… I think any of my past partners could attest for the fact that I don’t know the first thing about making love. What I do usually requires motorcycle helmets, padding, and large amounts of alcohol. Afterwards first aid is usually de riguor. Music is played at deafening volumes to drown out the shrieks and feelings are usually hurt and sensibilities are often damaged to the point of no return.

Why they return for more is a mystery.

coyote + xero79 + smolder

jazz keyboard great jimmy smith is dead

flagrant has a confrontation with a “dog-faced secretary with snacks laid out inappropriately on the desk before 9:00am.”

Google reinvents maps. after you’re done typing in your address, type in things like “hollywood motels 90029”

Just A Girl has a cool new layout

ms. iverson isnt having the best day. send her some good vibes.

the instapundit admits that he’s been ignoring the story about the right-wing plant who has been asking softball questions during the white house press conferences and who has recently stepped down from his post after liberal bloggers exposed him for being the fraud that he is (and for being tied to gay conservative military websites). the question is, why do you think insta isn’t celebrating the power of the blogosphere for identifying this phony and causing a congressperson to ask Bushie for an investigation? it’s only linkworthy when the focus is on CBS and dan rather? or is this simply honor among tools? developing…

anti keeps it really real.

xtraxyx celebrates the year of the cock

terra posts a cute pic of herself eating a cupcake. more cupcake pics, blogosphere!

a Google employee was fired for blogging about work? poor sap shoulda bought my book, which i understand is on sale for $19 plus $5 s/h, and it’s autographed if you get it from me. just send an email and i will send you an invoice.

bunny mc‘s appearance on mtv is aired and she makes fun of it on her blog.

raymi‘s best header yet. understated, if you can believe it.

the rabbit names dirty clowns. My fave? Scrumpler Guffawsky.

dave navarro reminds us that he’s the king of la bloggers. unconvinced? when was the last time you typed, “Not too long ago I shot some pictures of my friend, Suicide Girl, Voltaire.” or got 76 comments. or announced that your side band will be opening for ozzy?

stereogum shows us that britney, and her hubby, are doing their best to get the look of madpony kristin.

was considering putting me in the Black Webmaster Hall of Fame but there was great controversy on their editorial board because some were arguing that i dont have the html and php and blahblahblah skillz that theyd like to see for such an honor.

somehow the conversation got shifted to creativity.

someone on the conference call asked me how i get my Soul to the creative Place.

i said thats none of her business but there is a Place and it does take a little searching around to find it and sometimes you have to do some questionable things to get there but it’s like breaking through any sort of zone, comfort zone, 3-4 zone, prevent defense, virgin zone, its gonna take something different to get there otherwise its not a zone at all.

they were all huh?

i said you have to concentrate. sandy koufax said that pitching is relaxation and concentration, and so is creatitivity. id say that its relaxation and so much concentration that youre not even concentrating any more, youre just being the conduit, the pipeline, the highway, the route. your assignment is simply to get the fuck out of the way.

they asked, do you have to take drugs to get to your Place.

i said, no. i do my best stuff in the early mornings before anyone has come into the office. the xbi doesnt mind if you pop pills or smoke or drink, all they want you to do is think fast and not do anything stupid so if drugs can get you into that mindset then go for it, but if youre a doper and you fuck up you will get your ass kicked by about a dozen marines who dont play that shit. no i dont need drugs to get to my place, i just need to zone out. or zone-in as dr leary might say.

the mornings are good for me because symbolically the daytime is the blank slate that one sometimes needs to allow for Anything to happen.

i was getting blank stares through the speakerphone. these people were tech heads and i wasnt. but i was sure that even in science and engineering there was room for creatitivity and imagination and making a possibility out of an impossibility, and i asked them, isnt that so? they said yeah, sorta. and i was all, what about the dude who cloned Dolly? that was science and imagination all in one but it started with an idea then it took root with a theory based on that first idea and the rest was just mechanics. the same goes for art of any sort. picasso says i want to do cubism and once he figures out the framework and the subject matter the rest is just fill in the blanks. color by numbers.

someone said, why should we consider you for the hall of fame? i said you shouldnt. i dont want to be in any hall of fame. hall of fames are for old people and even though im 111 and old at heart im young in mind and thats where i will be for a long long time, if you put me in the hall of fame then i have nowhere to go.

and thats how i got my nomination for the black webmaster hall of fame.

reverse psychology even works on smart people.

especially once you dazzle them with bullshit.

amy + steve + stereogum

i feel like a fucking stud

when I was a kid the first girl I asked to be my girlfriend was a stoner chick with feathered hair and see through flannels worn down from use and reeking of perfume and resin.

she said she liked me but if she said yes she’d get her “ass kicked” and by that she meant that her dad didn’t want her dating a black guy, which didn’t bother me so much because in Illinois at the time that wasn’t all that unusual.

back then there were no black news anchors, no black quarterbacks, no black presidential candidates, and very few black kids in the suburbs, so I don’t blame her dad. too much. whats funny is I watched the dudes that she dated through junior high and high school and they were a long parade of losers dropouts and metal heads, some of whom were my friends and indeed losers. but the funny thing about racism, even mild racism is a dad might be more comfortable with a white loser who his daughter would break up with than a black guy who she would fall in love with.

at that point I decided that I would only date cheerleaders. If youre going to get said no to, I figured, it might as well be from someone out of your “league”. Crazy thing was, not many people were confident enough to date a lot of the cheerleaders in my school. I wasn’t confident either but I went for it, and a few said yes.

one girl’s dad was obviously not very happy about the situation and when I came to pick her up to take her to the movies he made sure to show me his rifles and animal heads hanging in his den. I didn’t see any brothas up there but I got the hint. And I never asked her out again. one day in homeroom she said, why haven’t we gone out again and I was all, I have a girlfriend in California who would get mad if I dated any cheerleaders.

when I moved to california being Black was a great thing. some girls went out of their way to date me because i wasnt the blonde surfer that they had grown tired of. fine with me. only problem was i was a virgin and i wanted to wait until i was totally in love before i wanted to have sex. they didnt care. they just wanted to see if the myth was true.

most of them didnt have much to compare anything to so they were all wow and i was all theres nothing there to be all wow about but they didnt know. nor did they care and i spent much of my junior college days doing everything-but with punk rock girls wanna-be mods and beach girls and the back seat of my cadillac, as messy as it was, got a lot of action.

so yes i experienced racism as a youngster, but the tables turned nicely after not too long and even though when i was younger and had to deal with the tangles of my thick afro and longed to be a surfer kid with blonde locks, it didnt take me long to see that who i was had its definate advantages.

too bad i had to move halfway across the country but whatever. like the man said everythings about location location location.

negrophile + dc thornton + cruftbox reviewed how to blog which is available for $19 + $5 s/h just email me

have everything against us but its cool, so do fireworks

and they end up ok.

sat in the car listening to randy newman and talking about the bible which is code for her friends read this so read between the lines.

wed be inside but time has a habit of flying whereever we go and so the game is to keep your eye on the clock because then it wont move so fast. i like to call it out which my belief says stuns it and it freezes and thats when you kisser but its a waste since its borrowed time in the first place.

some of you may wonder, whats it like to kiss every hot babe in hollywood and i wouldnt know but i would imagine that it must be odd if every new girl kisses slightly better than the one before her which is why you have to jump back a few spaces just to make sure.

her name is yolanda shes from yamacia, ya kiss em twice and ya datin.

sixteen feels like blueballs sixteen feels like seventeen and looks like a steamed up front windscreen.

yolanda likes airplane glue and a well placed boo and the crispy crack of a cold mountain dew.

she says im gonna get contacts soon and everyones going to freak out and takes off her glasses and lets down her hair and she seriously thinks that a hetero blogger can just sit there and not jump over the stick shift no matter how many dianetics pass by on the miracle mile

she says she wants me and i say stand in line she says she needs me i said desire is the root of pain she says whats a led zeppelin and i say lets get lost and she says lets make like robert frost and take the chopper one less traveled and i said what sort of man do you think i am and she says just live up to the lies,

or die.

born in september bloomed and rememberd

gave a hotfoot to gloom

and kissed my ass to dumbember

aint sure at all if the whole things a fakeout

wraps her arms around tomorrow

and breathes me in just like a flower.

JaG + sk smith + moxie + danielle

on this blog. now im being persuaded to do it from someone who just stoked me in the most majorist way that ive been stoked in a long time.

starting in a few weeks, los angeles, you’ll be able to read me every once in a while writing for the la weekly. yep.

our very own kate sullivan is the new music editor of the weekly and she asked me to interview one of my all time rock heroes, and it looks like that interview will happen tomorrow night.

and im so happy i could kiss every 23 yr old virgin alive.

even the hot ones.

then she called back today about a different story idea in addition to the interview.

then she called back today about a third story idea. and we she said, man it would be so much easier if you just quit your job.

and i said, no shit but you guys cant pay what the xbi pays and she said why dont you put ads on your blog, then you could write for us and blog all day.

to which i said hmmmm.

not in a “im thinking about this,” but in a marge simspon growling way.

then my new best friend, stuart, who is a big time tv producer called me up and said, whats up tony, and i told him what kate told me to do and he said, dude you really should put ads up on your shit. this is hollywood, everyone is such a sellout that you wouldnt be even considered a sellout compared to all the others.

so im tempted. and my dental bills are in the mail im sure. and if i get accepted to grad school theyre gonna want money and i really should start saving for that.

whatev. all i know is im on my way to be a real journalambist.

or a great fake one.

or a mediocre semifake one.

all i know is i want to interview the donnas one day in a mud bath.

then i can die knowing i had a full life.

cuz whatever this bullshit is right now is sorta ok, but it’s definately not full.

damn kitty bukkake has a great rack + jessica + vivian

who hasnt been kissed since high school.

step one: like her.

step two: be as patient as a cub fan.

step three: be really funny.

step four: have her admit that she likes you.

step five: take her to a cool restaurant and pay for everything.

step six: take her to the house of pies and when she says, “lets just be friends” laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

step seven: take her home and show her how cool you are.

step eight: dont follow any advice you read or wrote on a blog

step nine: tell her that youre going to kiss her and ignore her when she says no.

step ten: ask her if you can kiss her cheek. laugh when she says no.

step eleven: ask her if you can kiss her hand. laugh when she doesnt say anything and take that as a yes. crawl over to her and hold her hand and tell her how gorgeous it is. realize that no man has probably held her hand the way youre holding it since she was in a catholic school outfit back when she was in catholic school back in sweden.

step twelve: kiss her hand and hold on to it and kiss it again. and then again. realize theres a lot of nerves on the top of the hands. stroke her wrist.

step thirteen: ask her if you can make out with her wrist. when she says no, tell her that it’s not beneath you to make out with a hot chick’s wrist. keep holding her hand. notice her body language. if shes sitting there enjoying it, youre on the right track.

step fourteen: ask her if you can kiss her cheek. if she says no, let go of her hand and step away from the hottie.

step fifteen: as you watch tv tell her that the reason youre standing up and away from her its because shes so beautiful that you want to jump on her. see if she laughs. if she laughs youre getting close.

step sixteen: crawl over to her again. lay on her legs like youre about to get spanked. say “ahhh, isnt this better?” (hattip to fast times at ridgemont high)

step seventeen: make your way to her cheek. rub your cheek against hers. breathe in her ear. softly. kiss her neck. if she doesnt knee you in the nads, lick her neck.

step eighteen: tell her to hug you as you keep working on that neck. if she does youre almost there. see if she moans. if she doesnt move down to the collarbone.

step nineteen: move towards her lips. see if she’ll kiss you. if she doesnt wanna kiss her cheek and go back to the neck.

step twenty: give love to the ear lobe.

step twenty one: if the cd stops for god sake dont get up. keep working the lobe neck collarbone triangle. use your teeth gently. whisper things that make no sense. butterflies, jelly beans, knees

step twenty two: if she says “what?” look at her and lay one on her.

step twenty three: kiss her until four twenty am.

raymi is my favorite virgin + then bunny + then alecia