when i drove around the country a few years ago, i felt like if push came to shove i could learn to love anywhere. especially new york city. but also austin. and toronto. and norman. and vegas.
if i ever had to write a book i would do it in vegas. if i ever had to retire id do it in vegas. if i ever had to die id like it to be violent and in vegas.
i dont understand people who want to die in their sleep. the only thing i wanna do in my sleep is sleep. the only thing i wanna do when i die is feel things i will never be able to feel: death. what does it taste like. what does it look like. how does it sound.
why it was in my room this weekend is beyond me. what was it supposed to symbolize?
life? death? phoniness of youth? yes yes and yes.
this girl calls me at all hours. i used to have a peaceful life.
i used to sit in bed and watch tv. before that i used to sit on the couch and watch tv with my lap top on the coffee table.
sometimes thered be a tap at the window. sometimes if they were college aged thered be at text message followed by a tap. but shes older so she just calls.
i say you cant booty call someone on a monday night.
she says its tuesday morning. i say i KNOW its a tuesday morning. thats even worse.
sometimes they whine, sometimes they even cry. how is crying sexy? why would you want a crying girl in your house? doesnt she know i have neighbors? doesnt she know i have a reputation to uphold.
my reputation is the perfect neighbor, the one you never hear. the one who could be dead in his house for a month for all you know but youd never know. except the plants are watered and the newspaper gets picked up each morning from the porch.
other than that youd never even know i exist. keeps to himself.
would never have suspected him.
but these girls need to be noticed. its like the world will end if someones not on top of them. the world is gonna end, i tell her. life is a cabaret, old chum.
today i dared ask her, if you were satisfied sexually, and if all eyes of the world were upon you, and after they told you how beautiful you are, then what, then what would you want to do in that moment? what would you have to say for yourself?
huge mistake, cuz this too made her cry. mistake cuz this time it really was my fault.
and this time i had to let her come over, cuz this time she saw that she really doesnt have much to offer humanity other than the magical ability to wear pretty much any article of clothing which no man can resist to try to take off of her.
and ultimately singlehandedly took down that show and pretty much outted tucker for being a huge phoney, one of the things stewart was pleading for was for educated adult debates as opposed to a bukkake of talking points screamed from one side to another.
there are many reasons why i admire my boss, but one reason is its very interesting to watch her listen to people, something you dont see often on television, and sadly one aspect of my personality that i need work on. not only do people simply wait for their turn to speak, but rarely do they seriously give the other person a chance to say what it is that they are thinking and then allow the conversation to go down that path.
the translation of jujutsu is “the art of softness”. in the video above, watch how bro tries to pretend how he wants to have an educated, adult conversation but he really just wants to bash invisible enemies who he calls democrats. he admits the flaws of “his” party, resigns himself to the fact that the man who he is aligning himself to won’t probably win, and somehow tries to place blame on the young lady and how she has chosen to run her show.
he says he doesnt appreciate her sarcasm and levity, among other things.
as if her tone is as important as the wars his “party” has entered our nation into, the economic peril we as a planet are finding ourselves in, or the racism and hatred other members of his “party” are expressing upon the man who he himself is predicting will probably be our next president.
as if that wasnt interesting enough, notice how she very softly uses almost every one of his attacks and turns them around at him. watch how he has to look down away from the camera. listen as he feels the need to raise his voice and interrupt her when he can sense her making a point. and then note how beautifully she subdues him and skewers him in the final exchange ultimately killing him with kindness and exemplifying precisely what it is to hold an adult conversation.
she is the change-up, the slow-ball, the okie-doke
i stayed at the new Planet Hollywood hotel and casino which used to be the Aladin. forget that its called Planet Hollywood, the place is really cool. sorta like a bigger, better Hard Rock hotel. and cheaper. my room was $99 for friday and $140 for saturday. this isnt the hotel, this is what theyre building across the street. some multi billion dollar monstrocity.
because Planet Hollywood tries to seperate themselves with their authentic ties to the movies, always try to put props and photos and junk all over their walls. it might be ok in the restaurants. but do you really want Sam Jackson looking at you as you take a bath?
and this creepy beaten baby doll sufficating in a plastic box was weird to have next to ones bed.
took a risk and took the girl to Todai which is an all you can eat sushi place. pretty gross. but i definately ate my $25 worth.
it was in the trippy mall that they have there which has this weird rain storm area. maybe it was being with this particular woman, but i never even thought about how the malls in these huge hotel/casino places are the reason many women want to come to vegas. that the gambling, the buffets, the strip clubs, and the drinking are probably things that men like a tad more.
one thing i really liked about planet hollywood was it was all valet parking. and it was free. of course if you check out on sunday at 11am you hafta wait 15-20 minutes, but its cool. tip the dude a few bucks and youre on your way.
best meal? late night pf changs room service while writing October Surprise.
on my way to the freeway, my mom called my cell phone to ask me where i was
i said, vegas.
she said, i read your blog and i dont like to hear you whoring around (omg, as if)
i was all, ma, you cant believe that blog.
she said, i know, but still.
i was like, mom. nothing in there is true, after seven years youd think that would have seeped in.
she said but our relatives read it.
i was all, mom, the whole world reads it, mostly cuz i dont write it to the specifics of my wonderful mother. i write it kinda to the opposite of that.
then we talked about cats and dogs and the bears and normal things. then i went to jack in the box
and as i drove home i realized that she didnt say one negative thing about going to the playboy mansion a week ago, but a quickie little weekend in vegas rises her ire?
fascinating. and more proof that you should simply write with the freedom that you have because you never know what your critics will object to.
Gage: hey Tony… do you ever actually read my blog? AND…what’s the most successful ad campaign you’ve seen in your opinion? Least successful?
i do read your blog. not as much as i used to because i had to lay off crushing on canadians and focus on hollywoodians. but i like it, i like you, if we lived in the same town we would have had a torrid affair, and by now youd have dumped me and begun talking trash about me. i share your contempt for the beatles, btw.
the most successful ad campaign ive ever seen was for this carpet place in chicago. ive never had to order carpet in my life, but if i ever did i’d know what phone number to call – 588-2300… Emmm-pirrrre!
the worst ads are the sally struthers lets-help-the-poor-kids infomercials. theyre bad because they make me instantly search for the remote to switch the station cuz they make me bummed out and depressed in seconds. those commercials should be 3 seconds long “HELP US AHHHHHH! 1800HELPSOS
the sad part about living in California is our votes dont really matter. everyone votes the same. the big cities vote dem, the suburbs vote repub. and theres more people in the cities than in the burbs so cali elects dems. me, i usually vote for the people with the funniest name. something tells me that thats how the bush family always wins.
if i liked the picture of the young lady you sent me. the answer would be yes, she looked adorable.
Keira-Anne: What kind of questions do you think I’d get if I did an “Ask Keira” post?
probably ones concerning math and physics. since those are the ones i usually pass on. or tapdance around.
timmay!!!!!: can obama sue the entire republican party for defamation of character? is mccain clinically insane or just tired?? why does everything feel like a gigantic time suck these days??? will the dodgers bounce back???? anyone remember the angels?????
anyone can sue, but can he win? he’s better off trying to become president. mccain isnt insane or tired, hes just way older than he looks and campaigning takes a lot out of you. the internet has made time fly. blame al gore. the dodgers wont bounce back, they caught the cubs curse. f the AL.
Smelly Danielly: When you come to visit us in Vancouver (because I know you will again one day) what Italian dish do you want me to make your for dinner?
the only reason i eat so much asian food is because there arent any good italian places in LA. i will probably never go to vancity again, but if i did and if you wanted to make me an italian dish, i would eat anything you made because there isnt an italian dish i dont love.
JaG: Does my blog need a new look? Will you do that thing you promised me you’d do this weekend?
yes, more pics of your legs. no, im in vegas, and im a bad person.
bloopy: most people i know, as a kid, used to go to a particular restaurant for their birthday and, consequently, now put that place on a pedestal even tho’ they know it’s just another eatery. . . for example, my family used to always go to mcdonald’s for birthday celebrations so even today i don’t really think of mcdonald’s as fast food despite the fact that i know it is. . . do you have a place like that?. . .
when i was a kid there was an ice cream place called Farrels. they had this huge steel bowl of ice cream called The Zoo. something like 50 scoops of different ice cream in there with little plastic animals in there. theyd bring it out on a stretcher and clang this bell. then theyd sing. i think there were sparklers in the dish too. all your friends had little steel bowls and your mom would lop out all the ice cream into the bowls. there was always way too much ice cream no matter how many of your screaming friends youd bring. i think theres one remaining farrels around, in san diego. the worst city in america.
Ashley: Are you going to stalk me while you’re in Vegas this weekend?
im not much of a stalker. i dont even remember how to get to your old place, let alone your new place. but if youre in the caesars sports book on sunday morning then you can pretend im stalking you.
in shakespeares day the men would play all the roles of the women. i like to fill my house with women and have them act out my favorite shakespeare scenes. then i like them to cook fish and chips for me while wearing groucho glasses.
you could have asked who jane is, since i have no clue. but you missed your shot, eminem.Alys: If you were waiting in an airport terminal and the only seats available were between sets of people would you squeeze yourself between them or memorize when your flight boards and wait in a different terminal with more seats?
i think i understand your question, but im not sure. all i know is i dont fly as much as i used to, but lately ive found myself in middle seats and its a new level of annoyance. when i travel i like to have a sort of travel bubble. i like to have my music playing from my iphone. i like to play my psp. i like to have my sunglasses on and my hoodie up. the unibomber look, basically. when i get in the plane, i like to have a window seat with a pillow. i like to put the blanket over my head and pass out and sleep the entire way. the only need to stay awake is if theres a supermodel next to me who has forgotten her magazine or never learned to read. a few times i had a middle seat but no one showed up on either side. because of that i would never not get on a plane becasue of a seat assignment cuz you never know what might happen.
Phaedra: If you were getting hot and heavy with a purty , and once the clothes started coming off, you noticed she had some not-so-pleasant body odor. Do you just keep going, and breath through your mouth? Suggest a shower, cause chicks dig that. Send her stinky ass home.
ive been with a few girls who didnt smell like roses. i considered it payback for the times where im sure i didnt smell perfect either. also there was that stretch of time when i smoked and had terrible breath. those chicks never threw me in a shower or sent me home. of course they were angels who i didnt deserve, but regardless, im sure i have a few more stinky ones due in the future. play it like charles barkley: keep your head down and drive for the hole.jessica: what blog(s) prompted you to write a post about fakerz on the internet?
definitely not yours. i love your blog about elgin, my only frustration with it is when you do your pictures by other elginites, they do what so many people on flickr do, they make their pics All Rights Reserved, as if their pics are so damn precious. some of those pics are great and should be spread among blogs, but that copyright is so cheesy that i dont even bother asking permission. i just blow it off entirely. but i love your blog, its awesome, you do great work, and its a great example of what people should do more of – writing about their town.
Kerry: Suspend the internation investment markets while they re-write the rules? good idea or not?
funny how they only rewrite the rules when the rich are the ones in trouble. theres been poor people dying forever, but they didnt get any rules rewritten for their benefit. the one good silver lining in this whole thing is, America might be forced to legalize marijuana, so that we could tax it and export it. its our smartest way to have a crash crop that could stabilize trade and get monies flowing back to the USA. plus it doesnt kill anyone.Joe: Desert Island: Movie? Book? Album? One each. Also, best pair: Batman & Robin, peanut butter and jelly, Jordan & Pippen or Vincent and Jules from Pulp Fiction?
blues brothers, new testament, band girls money. my true love’s.
r/r: alright – I know in hockey there’s a little tradition to cheer for the team that knocks your team out of the playoffs – but you’re American, how does it work in baseball? I was glad to see the White Sox go. Are you cheerin for the Dodgers now?
hard to believe that hockey fans are more forgiving than i am, but i hold grudges. sometimes for ever. the padres broke my heart 24 years ago and because of that i want san diego to fall into the sea.
whats interesting is i have no ill will toward the dodgers. the dodger fans however were ruthless and soulless. all except for a young lady named angela who me and chris bought a beer for because she was so nice to me in the beer line. but the rest of them deserve some instant karma. plus i sorta like big butt ryan howard.
the problem with hanging out with boston kids is they dont wanna party, even if youre in vegas, until their beloved red sox finish their silly playoff game.
while in my room eating lettuce wraps and clicking around the web, i saw on Digg that sarah palin was booed tonight in philly.
whats amazing is i was under the impression that Palin was supposed to be the Fan Favorite, in a way, the one who wouldnt get booed at a hockey game, the one who would go on tv and youd smile and say, “yeah that is a big tent the GOP has.”
but it seems to have turned out that the McCain folks dont want her to talk to the press any more, and now when she even shows her face shes getting booed.
a real maverick woulda flipped em the bird, me thinks.
at this point id like to link to a recent post by our pal xTx but because im trying to keep this blog PG i will encourage you to find the blog/post your self so you can see a true maverick at work.
dont ask me why pf changs was a great idea for room service. dont ask me why it was phoned but it never arrived.
dont ask me why my hands smell of stripper. dont ask me why i washed them. dont ask me why that aroma is so unique and so pervasive and so only found on said professionals.
dont ask me why it isnt somehow bottled, even though its clearly bottled *somewhere*
dont ask me how many beers i had last night. dont ask me why they were whoppingly expensive but still cheaper than at a Lakers or Dodger game.
dont ask me if i believe anyone who says im cute.
dont ask me how much i love valet parking.
dont ask me why we are here during the coldest day of the year. dont ask me if its symbolic of something.
dont ask me what i think is humans greatest acheivement (french fries).
dont ask me how relieved i am that i sold most of my stocks last week.
dont ask me if ive showered today. dont ask me if i plan on taking an actual bath today.
dont ask me if i feel better today than i have in a very long time (well, since monday)
dont ask me if i want to make something called October Surprise.
dont ask me why i ate cheetos for breakfast.
dont ask me how relieved i am that i woke up alone at noon.
dont ask me where she went. dont ask me if im secretly hoping shes flying home right now. dont ask me if i still believe that honesty is the best policy.
dont ask me if you look fat in those booty shorts.
dont ask me who im with.