Daily Archives: March 21, 2016

anna doesnt call me a lot but when she does its cuz she knows im sad

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annatoday at lunch she called but i didnt pick up. why do girls like the phone so much?!

i was sad because i was promised that if i did something and worked hard for it then id get it.

i didnt get it.

they said i was one percentage point away from getting it.

i had asked all week, am i close, what do i have to do, whats going on, did i make it?

but they waited until lunch today to tell me that i was close but no cigar.

they said you must be disappointed but dont fret we have more of these coming.

i said

then i said

then i was all

then i was like

in the olden days id write and write and complain and bang on the desk and knock over the bats and run into the dugout and throw the helmets onto the field and go to each of the bases and throw them into the outfield

and kick the dirt on the umpire

and call him and his dead relatives names

and run to the outfield and climb the fence and run up the bleachers and run into the scoreboard and climb to the top of the clock

and swan dive down into the street

and die.

but thats kids stuff. im an adult now.

which means i dont make messes on the streets.

i get justice in court.

do you know i love you, i do

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obama trumpi also love that Obama is having a nice victory lap. he deserves it. no one thought that he could do the things he’s done.

in fact when he won the first time i thought, they just let him win because they didnt wanna clean up the mess that W left him.

but he did clean it up. by himself. and he didn’t even make it look tough. the GOP did their best to obstruct him but he just smiled and said pick a card any card.

and they said we’re not playing this stupid game

he said why not.

they said because if you guess the card you look like Cool Obama always picking the right cards and we look like Dumb Old Sticks In The Muds

he said, cut the pack then.

they said no. because if we cut the pack then you will do something amazing and we’ll look like Dumb Old Bumps on a Log.

and President Obama said, we are all in this together. i ALREADY won the presidency. you’ll never be able to impeach me and i’m not gonna quit, so, you know, if you work With me, it will look like we are both doing this magic and you can add it to the reasons people should re-elect you, because you

actually helped the people who voted for you

and they thought about it for a minute and said, no, we will not pick a card, we will not cut the deck

then Obama said, thats ok, i understand, i mean im just a half white half black man from kenya who

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

i said im half black and half white

NO, THAT OTHER THING YOU SAID!

he said, oh that, well i actually wrote it down on a card, pick one and it’ll be written on it.

YOU WROTE THAT YOU WERE FROM KENYA ON A CARD?

you’ll see when you pick it, the president said and they leapt at the deck

they took a card, it was the Ace of Spades

they frowned and threw it on the ground

of course it landed face up and read:

<3 Hawaii In Da House <3