because it aint no thing
Monthly Archives: September 2016
the day the stingray apologized
10 years ago today Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray. I was pretty new to my job running LAist, trying desperately to bring traffic to our then-fledgling blog, when I thought of an idea.
I had been recently schooled in the world of Search Engine Optimization but nothing was clicking. I was up all night every night working hard to phrase things or write things that would reach the top of Google News. Even though I failed, one thing I noticed was it was easier from 3am-5am to get nibbles from the search engine because all of our competition was asleep and not publishing.
So a few days after Irwin’s death, I, a huge fan of old Vettes, whipped up the silliest thing I could think of to experiment with SEO headline writing and super late night publishing.
Stingray Apologizes for Crocodile Hunter Irwin’s Death
It quickly became the biggest day (at that time) traffic-wise in LAist history. it crashed the blog several times that morning as waves and waves of people came (for some reason to read the apology from a stingray?),
and naturally the comments section let me have it.
Why did I feel ok about making fun of a tragic death of a super upbeat tv personality? In my mind, Steve Irwin, as lovable as he was, knew he was doing extremely dangerous things with wild animals for money, fame, and ratings. Sure some of it was educational, but it was totally unnecessary entertainment on par with Johnny Knoxville.
Was I sad he was dead? Of course. But he went out doing what he loved and I assumed he would have gotten a laugh out of my piece because he sure seemed to love to laugh.
So dark humor it was.
she was all, can i just tell you EVERYTHING

i was all, a picture says a thousand words.
so she sent me a picture.
cubs magic number is 13

sometimes you have to trade your sweet sweet starlin
sometimes you have to get rid of your extra fuel
sometimes you have to drive through the tough tough traffic of labor day friday
to make that money
because youre saving up that money
because your true love, da cubs, are gonna be in the damn world series in six weeks
and those old styles arent gonna just flow from the sky.
i had a fun day today. everyone was going to the airport.
i tried to drive far away from the airport so my fares would be high
but as soon as i turned on my thing, my thing rang and guess where they were going
at some point the traffic was so bad that we were literally going backwards
not on the freeway
but in time.
i could see myself get younger in the rear view.
my hair was growing back.
my voice got higher.
my six pack abs were all whaddup g
and i was like,
i gotta get outta this traffic.
cars stopped being cool when they stopped making vans

she texted me the most forward, clear, what some would consider disgusting, invitation
to dance.
i knew the moves.
the moves are simple.
drunks do it.
but theres two ways to get me to dance with you.
give me an hour heads up and text me what youre gonna be wearing.
or lie to me and say we’ll go for one drink and after we can pee in the alley
nowadays i dont have a lot of pee left in me.
so that outfit better really fit.