Monthly Archives: September 2016

the problem with trolls in my facebook

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led zep threeif you know me you know im a lover not a fighter.

true i can fight with the best of them, but thats no why Providence gave me my superpowers

mines, and yours, were meant for poetry, not barbs, romance, not wars.

i want to use my detective skills and intellect to have greater ends than winning an internet tussle.

i want to whisper in the ear of a cheerleader, not yell at a cardinal fan on twitter.

dude came into my facebook not long ago and started blah blah blahing about some nonesense

and i keep my facebook prettymuch open to the public. because i believe in freedom. open door policy.

i’ll block you if i have to, but i dont even really like doing that. people should be allowed to say whatever theyre gonna say and if they really came to fight, shouldnt a gradate in literature from the college of creative studies mop the floor with like 98% of all trolls?

this very busblog once upon a time would have 50-60 comments on posts, not all of them were right on tony, marry me, kiss me, be my boyfriend I CAN COOK!

and i bet you i banned less than a dozen people during that heyday. you just blogged, fought, and moved on.

but theres this guy today who i wanna ban but

well

he went to UCSB.

how am i gonna ban a Gaucho?

i may need to take him aside and say dude, either you’re Candid Camera 3000 or you seriously need to take your malarkey somewhere else because you’re disrespecting our school.

earlier today i was so sick i had to go home. on the way i bought old school Pepto Bismol.

did some work on my sickbed, still had a headache, drank some more pepto

had the cubs on the laptop and football on TV1 and fell asleep AGAIN

woke up and the Cubs were throwing a no hitter.

believe me when i tell you i think that totally cured me.

cubs magic number is now three.

ive been getting morning sickness for the last week

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neal peart

super weird. might have to see a doc. might have to get a pregnancy test. i knew i shoulda used a condom.

as the day goes on things get better. except when it starts late in the day, then it gets worse.

i mean if you look at my belly theres clearly a baby in there.

never kicks though. lazy baby. sleepy baby.

maybe the baby is reading.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BOOK, BABY?

so last night i ordered chinese via Uber Eats from one of my favorite Beverly Hills chinese joints.

no way would they deliver to me normally but for some reason they full on deliver when you do it through Eats even though it costs the same.

now how does that work?

i felt bad for the driver who seriously had to go 1/2 hour to get me my sauce on side chinese food

so i tipped him $5 but even that didnt seem like enough so i gave him a big kiss and squeezed his ass.

and i told him, the Lord loves you more than you know.

i offered him my cats but they were hiding behind the couch.

i ordered chinese because thats the way i like to eat my carrots and broccoli the most.

sauteed in chinese spices and gravies and weirdnesses

the beef from this joint, China Wok, has the same texture as the shrimp.

i dont eat a lot of beef. but when i do its either because of happy family fried rice

or when im getting a super dodger dog at the game.

maybe that baby isnt a baby but its a giant tumor and thats why i have morning sickness.

if i die i loved you more than you know.

went to usc saturday night to sc what there was to c

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uscthe football team played a game that had started at 11am for some reason.

no one knew why because they were playing Utah State so at the best the good people of Utah only had to turn on the tv at noon.

11am was way too early for my passengers, white ones, black ones, asians, they all said that they set their alarms to wake up

but failed and just slept in.

we bonded.

what sort of country do we live in where a man has to set an alarm to wake up to watch a football game being played literally in my backyard?

SERIOUSLY they said.

in one ride i had four guys all from china. they were going to the grocery store. had only been here for a month.

can you imagine? only been in america a month and you are living in south central and going to USC

multiple culture shocks all happening at the same time.

they were all roommates.

they lived in a luxury apartment complex for usc students. im curious, so i asked them,

hey how much do you pay?

one of them said $850.

i said per room?

they said, no we share a 2BD, so it’s $850 each.

i said, thats $3,400 a month?

you can buy a house for that.

they just laughed and nodded and repeated me.

picked up all these black girls. so i turned on the black girl station.

drake comes on and one of them starts singing to it.

i was all, drake is playing at the forum, why arent you pretty girls there?

they were like, tickets are $200!

i said, thats what men are for.

they said, aint no men up in here.

just trifling little boys.

and much later did it occur to me that i should have given them the chinese boys’ number.

do you know i love you? i do

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avril lavigne

im about to have a big birthday. i dont even know what im gonna do. but i will give thanks because im thankful.

ive met some of the most amazing people in the world.

ive kissed some of the greatest young ladies ever made.

the things ive dranken and eaten and seen and participated in.

youd never think a scrawny kid from the burbs in illinois would have had quite a life

but it happened. and a lot of it happened thanks to writing and blogging and

going outside and seeing what happens.

but the secret to all of it was

other people.

and that is why i am so grateful.

no one can fly on their own.

everyone has to lift each other.

everyone has to figure things out first and then the coolness comes.

people built the roads, literally, people invented the framework

people accept you and give you access and share secrets and work with you

hopefully all for the same reason:

to continue the improvements of everything.

so thank you for everyone for either literally helping

or being a great inspiration

neither of which should be underestimated.

gracias, madre.

teen spirit is older than 10% of U.S. history

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giphyshe said youre always charging your phone

i said we should have some codes

what?

for when we text each other, i said.

you mean like hey how are you doing?

i know how you’re doing.

then what?

i was thinking, if i text you “w” it means what are you wearing?

omg.

if i text you “m” it means wanna see a movie?

if i text you “f” it means

oh i think i know.

it means have you had any food?

ok got it, but why not just text those things?

well i was reading hillarys emails and if she and her aides just had little codes it would have made it harder to spy on her.

but

and it would save time.

what time are you trying to save?

what if im on a cliff hanging by a pinkie

and all i can do is type h to you, which is helppppppp

or z which is theyve poisoned me and im about to pass out, bring pop

how am i supposed to remember all of these?

p

two things will happen

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eventuallyeither you’ll make some good contributions to the world and then you’ll die.

or you’ll make some whatever contributions to the world and then you’ll die.

we Gen Xers aren’t supposed to care about these things but we do secretly. very secretly.

weird thing is our generation hasnt become president yet. and it doesnt look like we will for a while.

theres gonna be hillary for eight years and then michelle obama for eight and then finally we’ll get in there with cory booker.

we’ll get in eventually.

until then heres what i plan on doing. i plan on giving money to pretty much any go fund me that appears on my facebook wall. why? why not. i dont go to church. i dont walk around DTLA much, how else am i supposed to give to charity?

a long time ago the Cubs were considered a charity. now they’re the presumptive world series champs.

so how else can we contribute to this planet?

for one i like to put little signs on peoples windows when they park ridiculously badly.

i also like to tell construction workers when theyre looking particularly fetching.

and of course i like to sit behind home plate and compliment the ump on his sharp eyes.

NO NEED FOR ROBOTS TODAY i like to shout a few times an inning.

yesterday i bought the NFL season pass from directv.

so i can get on twitter every sunday and encourage the Bears’ QB

to retire.

yr welcome.

girls night

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pioneer speakerwhen i got the mercedes i thought it was going to be this amazing driving machine.

sometimes it is.

sometimes everything is flowing and the cars glide by and you can see clearly

and even the radio is happening.

three young ladies got me on melrose

sometimes you barely touch the gas and it goes

sometimes you can feel the weight of everyone in there.

its weird.

they said they wanted to go somewhere wild.

i said damn i aint been to compton in days

i get just enough people each month that it pays for the car,

the insurance,

the gas

but it’s not so many people that it wears down the car. at all.

the girls didnt wanna go to compton, it turned out. they immediately told me. with added volume.

even after i listed several benefits theyd receive after utilizing the south central geo filter

on their selfies on snapchat.

even after i told them they smelled great.

even after i told them about the tacos.

sometimes the car can get super quiet.

it’s weird.

this morning i realized that in about a month i will be crying

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andy warholi was in the shower. the cats were looking at me.

lynyrd skynyrd’s second helping was booming from my cute little black bluetooth speaker

and it dawned on me that the cubs have a very good chance of not only winning the world series

but doing it in a sweep.

currently they are 41 games over .500

to put that in perspective, over the last 71 years the cubs have only been 22 games over .500

SIX times.

like i said, today they are 41 games over .500 as they get ready to face the lowly brewers of milwaukee, which means they have a very good chance of being 42 games over .500 before we lay ourselves to sleep tonight

of the years the Cubs finished 22+ games over .500 (1969, 1977, 1984, 1989, 2008, 2015), i ended up crying in sorrow half of them

which made me think this year i will either cry in unbelievable joy

or bawl in absolute, terrifying pain.

i have had friends invite me to join them in vegas so we can watch the world series at a famous strip club so as to soften the blow if the unmentionable happens.

but i dont want to think that way. i want to go to Chicago and either celebrate or commiserate in Wrigleyville with my brethren and sistren

and then maybe walk home after the big game, 40 miles away.

so as to let it sink in.

not a bad labor day weekend

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mary and anne

didn’t drive. why bother?

decided to actually enjoy the weekend for the first time in a long time.

watched the cubs steamroll past the giants.

watched a whole bunch of movies and tv shows.

ate and ate and ate.

got my steps in by playing pokemon go.

but i still didnt have as good of a weekend as soon to be birthday girl mary who went to burning man in a private jet

and then took this selfie with oscar winner anne hathaway.

apparently lots of movie stars and pop stars go there now because they can sorta be in disguise and sorta be freeeeee as a bird away from the prying eyes of the press

it’s fun sometimes to cool ones jets.

i even read some bukowski this weekend, which was tough because of the two tvs, computer, laptop, and phone.

maybe my next break i’ll totally unplug.

which will be quite the stretch.