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oh no mr bill, here comes the snowstorm of the century
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Monthly Archives: March 2017
everything is a dare
theres a pound of ham in the fridge.
not exactly sure when i put it in there.
it would be a shame for that pig to have died in vain
however, if i was a pig i would prefer that you did not eat me, thank you.
went to my actual doctor today.
like me, former xbi.
nbd. omg.
i told him i was down to a half a coke a day.
still addicted, eh? he scoffed.
which i took as a dare.
which i am taking as a dare.
theres only a few things that will kill me, he said: coke, drunk drivers, boredom.
why cant you drink tea?
in heaven im gonna drink coke every day. maybe even non stop.
fuckit, in heaven i wanna pee coke.
but most of the time we talked about barry bonds
and how incredible his last season was.
he was 42.
had to do a bunch of junk on saturday
ran around with my head chopped off
found a secret entrance to the xbi in burbank that they forgot was there
slipped in, said hi, stole a bagel, took off
a quick hi bye gotta fly like you see in the videos
and then the day was mine but i wanted to get a car wash and i couldnt find any car wash joints in burbank so i just drove drove drove
until i was in downtown LA and i found one but it wasnt moving
the little tokyo car wash
it was tiny and it had 4 cars in there, maybe 5 and i waited but it wouldnt budge so i said screw this, the next car wash is 8 minutes south, fine. but as i drove that way i passed a spot that advertised Oriental Rugs $22.
im old enough to know that signs are the biggest liars of anyone but i figured even if it was twice the price thats exactly in my budget.
anna kournikova of all people has been nagging me to “update” my apartment. she says i have the same old tired stuff in there as when we were first in love and rolling around on the floors.
i said hey ive got two new tvs and at least 4-5 new posters gimme a break, but i know what she meant
got to the carpet place, looked at the rugs, and boom there were a bunch for $38 out the door.
pointed, dude took it down, rolled it, taped it, leaned it next to the register, i gave the lady two 20s she gave $2 back
walk out with the carpet over my shoulder
smelliest homeless dude you ever saw goes, yo buddy
i gave him my $2 and i was out like seacrest
tell us more about the 80s tony
it’s weird being the old guy in the office
it’s weird being in an office
it’s weird being at the oscars
it’s weird still blogging
it’s weird how wifi works
it’s weird that this can instantly be published around the world
it’s weird to think that some people, who could feed the whole country, don’t.
it’s weird to think
it’s weird how much my new tire costs
it’s weird what kind of car i drive
maybe we shouldn’t even day dream when we’re young
because if you’re doing it right,
nothing ever turns out the way you thought it would.
i torture myself
not with ropes or chains
or high heeled ladies in catsuits
and LED lit ears
spiked boots and gloomy music
in a dungeon
far below the earths surface
as they insult me with lies and fantasys
where i did this or that
and now i must be punished
starting with this
and then that.
sooooo much of this, by the way. so much. omg. like woah.
and then i have to clean up.
me!
you can always tell how easy a man has it by how soft his hands are.
how few calluses, scratches, divots, tears.
scars.
the affluent have scars, just not on their hands.
but i dont torture myself that way either.
i listen to news stations and political shows all day
and all night.
waiting for something juicy to come from the droning and speculation
and history.
but it rarely does.
still, i wait.
when the xbi wants your attention, they get it
once upon a time i had the most simple life
and then it got simpler.
i judge the simplicity of life by two things
how many keys you have
and how many things you
have
to do every day.
one reason i left the xbi was because it became a
have to
instead of a get to.
i’ll be honest sometimes this very blog feels like a have to sometimes
and i know how to get out of that slide easily.
usually it’s tell the truth more.
ended up in urgent care bent over that very table there
theres a window with some venetian blinds to the right
but theyre a rip off because when you part them
it’s a view of nothing.
not nothing nothing, but not what you wanna see when youre looking for something good in the world
when you need to see something good in the world.
you know it’s there somewhere and it sure would be nice for it to be right out there past the garbage somewhere
drove a guy named mario the other day
he told me marriage is a suckers game
told me he met this woman who turned out was super rich because her dad owned a building in DTLA
and when he died she got it
and it brought in $100k a month.
he said she bought so many shoes they needed their own bedroom. there were purses everywhere. after a while they stopped having sex so he was all, i want a divorce. secretly he was thinking maybe he would get some of this cash because he sure as hell wasnt making $100k a month.
but in the divorce settlement it turned out that because that money went through a trust, it didn’t count as income for her in divorce court
indeed in that court it appeared she had zero income,
so he has to pay her alimony.
he’s a baker.
he told me: just go to hookers. it’s cheaper and better sex.
its too bad we’re gonna die from global warming
because the weather tonight was like a summers day.
drove this rich guy from beverly hills to staples to see the red hot chili peppers
windows rolled down he told me he grew up in tel aviv, was in the army
now makes deals.
the whole time he told me about israel and how its the most advanced of any middle eastern country
how it helps anyone who asks for it in the middle east and europe
and, since we were driving down pico with the windows rolled down on international womens day
“theres no better country in the middle east for a woman than israel.”
i said yes, and that is my problem.
he stopped what he was about to say and said
excuse me?!
i said, as a lyft driver, i like countries where half the population isnt allowed to drive.
and he laughed.
which was good because we were late for his dinner meet up before the show and i was
flyin baby.
as instructed.
as would hopefully be tipped generously for cutting up san vicente
and then he told me this
he said:
of all the cities i have visited, and i have lived here for years,
but of all the cities i have been to,
los angeles is the most jewish.
in israel no one asks you why you arent keeping kosher or obeying the sabbath
we observe the holidays because the kids wont be in school,
but here people are serious – of course there are those who arent –
but many more observe the traditions.
me, i don’t care about your religion because all that matters is if you are a good person.
if you are a diamond dealer in manhattan who keeps kosher
but you rip off your customers,
you should not feel proud.
we got to staples on time, dropped him off at the ritz
and remembered uber had settled up with me this morning
so i could drive to echo park
eat two delicious tacos from the best truck
and pick up dinner at the 99 cent store.
today is international womens day
whats supposed to happen is all the ladies are supposed to go on strike and not buy anything.
even on their day they’re being told what to do.
now i could sit here and make a big long list of all the women who have supported me in one way or another or who gave me a break to go do my thing or who have shown me love in various ways.
but in a way that would be making this about me. it’s not. today is about them.
the women.
who weirdly are the majority of this country and yet they are treated like theyre not.
here’s the thing i dont understand. rape.
i have a niece who in a few years will be at college. hopefully she will choose the university of california, isla vista, which is a little slice of heaven on earth
but just like most universities, 1 out of every 3 women are sexually assaulted there.
wtf.
rape should have a mandatory minimum sentence of 5 years in jail. something tells me that might put a dent in terrible situation. maybe add this: if you rape again you get 15 years. rape again, life in prison.
women, the majority, should not have to fear walking down the street.
in america.
the beautiful.
the alleged land of the free.
if theres one gift men, who are in power, could give to our mothers and sisters and daughters and nieces, it would be actual safe streets. is that too hard? if it is then maybe we need to get out of power for a little while.
something tells me if the roles were reversed and instead of the US Senate having 21 female senators, it had 79… something tells me there would be mandatory minimums with rape convictions, women’s health would not be something we ever debated, and our country would be a lot more civil.
And peaceful
and loving
and caring
and smart.
Sadly men would never allow it.
im in a fight with uber
for some reason they wanna be in fights.
their founder is in fights with everyone and swears that he has grown and wants to be all peace and love, but hes so not peace and love unless it hits the news.
over the last 3 weeks i did over 100 UberSC trips. typically they rip us off on the fares and you have to write in and complain.
after a little back and forth they write back and say, fine heres your $35.
but when you do so many trips the difference isnt $35… in my case it is $156.
so i wrote last night and explained it, as usual, and today they fought with me, first lying by saying you have to do this within 3 days of the problem.
and then saying oh no we paid you soooo much money, which was another lie.
when i replied by saying, take a screenshot of you paying me soooo much money, they said fuck it, go to the Uber driver customer service way out in Redondo Beach and settle it there.
they gave me the hours, which are bankers hours basically. they do a half day on Saturday for some reason. why not a full day on Saturday?
i wrote back and said, no! this is so easy, just pay me i gave you the proof! but they said no.
so i started a brand new ticket, rewrote my genius, sent in different examples
but concluded the same thing, you owe me $156.
it’ll be interesting to see if it gets sent to different people.
hopefully someone there will understand my dilemma.
and with the money… i will buy a new tire for my car.
in the meanwhile i will drive exclusively for Lyft.