the winner of the shortest skirt in hollywood was drunk

she was waiting impatiently for me as i approached the curb outside the crowded club

long legs, tall shoes, not much of a top and a tiny jacket

its february and about to rain, in any other situation i would have assumed she was a hooker

but clubs these days, i guess thats the look

“do you have a plastic bag i could use?”

omg she needs to barf.

i’ll just pull over and you can do it on the curb. i can wait.

no i really want to get home she said and buried her face into my always at the ready barf bag

one reason i dont drive at night – it was almost 2am – is because ppl either want to

fight you, fuck you, or barf in your car.

im too sexy for all those things so i just avoid the night, which hurts my wallet because you can make some great money at night

this trip, which is why i accepted it, was gonna pay me $44 to take her 18 minutes to the east of hollywood, the san gabriel valley, home to some of the best asian food in the usa

things i would have asked her about if i wasnt paranoid she was going to puke while falling asleep

or any number of ways for the face in the bag to fail

trust me they were all zipping through my head as i weaved in and out of lanes on the 101 freeway

other ubers, cabs, and drunks were annoying creeping the speed limit. there wasnt much traffic. there was no need for that.

i needed to get her home. pretty legs flirting with me. tattoos that said talk to me. hi tony.

itd been a while since i saw legs like that. thin but not scrawny. pale even in the moonlight. how old was she? never got a good look. she had rushed into the front seat of my car, which is usually not allowed but women have a way of being allowed exceptions

even if your little skirt defies gravity and sense

cute little silver purse sparkling.

enormous phone which had been dropped onto my dirty floor glowing from someone texting her

r u ok? someone wanted to know.

shhhh she is. let her cover her entire face some more.

i believe in angels because she was so tiny and vulnerable a bad man even lonlier than i could have, and maybe would have, done something terrible

so they put her in my car because i’d like to go to heaven to meet these angels one day

maybe she was one, visiting earth on spring break, not remembering her tolerance, and whoops drunk on hollywood blvd

which is dangerous no matter who you are.

with 5 minutes to go i wanted to tell her the time but what if that made her puke? i kept quiet as supertramp’s breakfast in america played quietly.

when we turned the corner to her house i said my only words

im proud of you

i tried so hard, she said.

you did it.