everything butt

it was oscar sunday, griffith park. two babes in their 20s sporting skin tight outfits heading to venice. first time to LA. from utah.

the best way to describe the outfits are aerobicise, parachute gear, no bra, white nikes. but mostly power rangers.and sunglasses.

because it was a few hours before the oscars, hollywood was a mess. roads were closed. demonstrators.  clogged freeways, so i was more than happy to take a ride to the beach even though i would only get $28. fuck it. waze said it would only take 45 minutes.

i knew it was a lie. ended up being an hour but immediately we were talking sex drugs and youtube.

blonde in the back, 22, told me she wants to be a sugar baby “my tastes are very expensive. i need a sugar daddy who understands that.” she stated as her friend, pre med, also blonde but maybe more natural? thus darker? giggled, clearly having heard this proclamation more than once.

are you down for whatever from this man?

i mean if he takes care of me, i’ll take care of him.

you’re 22? how old are you willing to go?

40? maybe 42?

i hate to tell you this, miss utah, but the 40 year old sugar daddies wouldnt appreciate you. could you go older? wiser? easier to please?

have you heard of anna nicole smith before, ladies?

they hadnt so i told them the tale. when it was over they were blown away. as was i. how did none of it ring a bell? the legend of anna has died with gen z? mama mia.

by the time we got on the 101 near coldwater miss utah had settled on 60 as her ceiling.

what if he wanted you to bring a friend or two home from the club? i asked

why would he want something more than what i can give? she asked, seriously.

lets pretend this man is truly wealthy. and has traveled the world. and has seen and done some things we cant even imagine, he might request some things that don’t make a lot of sense on paper, but in this uber we dont kink shame. life is fleeting.

fine, she sighed looking out at a wee bit of traffic as we approached the 405.

the ladies were headed to a bar in santa monica they accidentally thought was in venice.

so i had them change the destination on their app, which lost me a few bucks but who’s counting. they were on a mission to retrieve the blonde’s wallet which they had accidentally left behind Oscar Saturday because their outfits had no pockets

first time in LA you say? did the men of santa monica beach pay you any mind?

oh yes. free drinks all night. thats why we left without knowing we had no wallet, miss pre-med said. but ive been checking the cards online and no one has charged anything on them, so we are hoping the manager found it last night.

tell me about utah.

it’s terrible.

i hear it’s pretty.

this is pretty, one of them said while we cruised in the fast lane between the unusually green hills of bel air and brentwood.

we had established early that one was catholic the other was agnostic and neither had boyfriends. so i asked, whats it like dating mormon guys.

so weird they both said in perfect harmony then laughed

i hear they do everything but, i asked.

EVERYTHING BUTT, miss utah laughed and kept laughing cracking herself up. her friend joined in.

because they think only pee-pee to pee-pee sex is sex?

yes they said and asked if i had ever heard of soaking?

is that where the dude goes in slowly but then just lays there without moving?

yes! they screamed, startling me as we took the curve from the 405 to the 10 west, sin in our eyes, i mean sun.

but here’s the weird part, the blonde said, there’s a friend who’s The Shaker. she laughed

so hard she farted. then her friend laughed. i rolled down the windows and they laughed more. perfect day.

The Shaker, the future doctor explained, shakes the bed so neither party engaged in the lovin can be held accountable bc they arent the ones moving… they just happen to be on a bed being rattled around by the pal who has to feel a bit awkward.

we got stuck exiting onto the 4th street off ramp so i took off my cubs cap and said out loud, Lord, these are two lovely young ladies. please help them find their wallet, and eventually realize their dreams in the nicest ways.


$12.45 tip.