if i wasnt such a slacker, id write the Macbeth story about Tyson that I keep thinking about
warrior who was the greatest warrior until he got confused by women and a King
but that story just makes me so so sad.
pictures like this, tho cheer me up.
last night the first black president stepped up to the plate
and did what he normally does
he looked around, pointed to deep centerfield
and hit the ball exactly where he pointed
and ran around the bases casually
smiling
as the whole world cheered.
yet for nearly eight years we sat there
and listened to nincompoops and idiots
bitch and whine that
Nobama didn’t do this or did that wrong or foolishly.
people have the shortest memories.
things were so bad in 2007 that when Obama won his first presidential election
some speculated that the Republicans didn’t even really try to win
because they knew that no one could lift us out of the
shitty stinky fucked up hole
that eight years of Bush / Cheney sank us into.
and even though for most of his 8 years he had a do nothing Congress
who said straight up that they were going to do everything they could
to make sure he would only be a one-term president
he ended up being one of the greatest leaders
an America ever had.
twenty million people now have health insurance
millions of gays and lesbians can get married now
and be in the armed forces without having to pretend
our national debt has been reduced
millions of people who were unemployed now have jobs
the stock and real estate markets are booming.
and best of all, the Cubs are on their way to becoming a Dynasty.
if some grumpy old white Republican dude with gray hair and a big belly
had done this
they’d be talking about adding him to Mount Rushmore
never let them convince you
even for a minute
that Obama isn’t spectacular.
they are jealous,
and they should be
on so many levels.
Detective Diana asks, Why don’t you date black women? I’ve seen millions of pictures of you with women, women in your room, on your bed, in your arms, at your table, by your side, and none of them is black! (Your family doesn’t count!) Have you ever gone out with a black woman or do you have a “thing” for skinny white bitches with long (bottle job) blonde hair? And damn it, whyyyyy?
i know it might look like i blog Evvvvvvery part of my life, but even at my most prolific i was only writing four times a day. take the most boring man and in his day theres way more than four things to talk about.
heres the deal with me and nubian princesses.
when you are the only black kid in town, when you are going through puberty and all you see are white faces, thats what you are going to be attracted to.
meanwhile when the only time you see faces that look like yours at family picnics and christmas and reunions and stuff, youre probably not going to be attracted to them because they look like your cousin or grandma or sister or auntie.
but thanks to the world wide web of love and particularly blogging, the world famous reached across the sea
and one day i caught the eye of a young lady in Holland who wrote a blog called Just A Girl.
she was funny and smart and one thing i loved (and still love) about blogging is learning about other peoples cultures and food and weirdnesses that happen ANYWHERE ELSE but in the USA.
which is probably why its no surprise that i have been such a huge fan of Canadian blogs.
anyways JaG and i would link to each other and email and leave comments and one day
the Dutch Government
reached out to me and offered me a vacation in Amsterdam, all expenses paid, including hotel, bicycle, museum pass, and everything.
i said whats the catch?
they said no catch just put this little button on your blog and promise us that you will write ONE thing about your trip to the land of the nether
i said done and done and i wrote JaG and i said America is about to invade
and she sent me back this very picture
and i flew to europe and she said something about a possible new boyfriend
and i said something along the lines of hos in different area codes and she said i dont know that phrase
i said, if you meet me IRL and you love me
you must follow your heart.
at the time i was working for Buzznet, which was Flickr before Flickr was Flickr
it was also a great community of people from all around the world.
i said baby im gonna have a Buzznet party and i want you and Bicycle Mark to come and everyone else who
loves to party and she said done done done
and i said no pressure but if we fall for each other you will be the first black girl i ever kissed
so its a good thing you have this fake bf because you really should practice your kissing before i get there
she laughed and said dont get your hopes up
so we met and it was beautiful and we hit it off immediately and a party was thrown
but it was i who was super nervous and i drank too much and i smoked too much and i ate too much and
soon it was alllll being hurled into the spectacular amsterdam canal
and i was all now ive blown it, who wants to kiss a guy with vomit breath
and she escorted me to my five star hotel and she waited for me to brush my teeth and mouthwash my mouth
and when i got out of the bedroom
there she was
and let me tell you this, detective,
that girl had definitely practiced.
two years later we reunited in canada
and thats a story for a way different question.
theres cat hair on my shirt.
when i rolled over to one side of my bed there was cat hair there too.
the girl on the couch spent the night else where last night so i shut my door and gave them
the entire run of the mansion
other than my messy little room
and at an early hour they stuck their paws under the door
and meowed and rattled walls
and demanded to see the man of the house.
due to one thing leading to another i had not retired until 3am and i did not appreciate this disturbance at the heron house
so i threw a shoe at the door to shut them up
but they found the shoe string of the sneaker and pulled at it
thus making the door bang that much louder
so i threw another shoe
and another.
and finally a book
and two more books.
of course they thought this was a hilarious game.
so i stormed to the door, making sure to be extra loud on the hardwood floor
i heard them scatter and i whipped open the door and dramatically chased them around the first floor.
i drew a bath.
i caught them.
i threw one and then the other in the bath.
their feet touched the top of the water and miraculously flew elsewhere.
they hid. wet. somehow mad AT ME
i marched back to bed
pulled the blanket over my head.
and on the blanket – more cat hair.
Becky with the good hair asks:
What is the purpose of sex? Be brutally honest and please leave LOVE and procreation out of your answer! I’m talking about the physical act of sex; I’m just going to assume you love every single woman you’ve ever boinked *eye roll* Why bother having sex? Is it a) to get yourself off; b) to get your partner off or c) to get yourself off, thereby getting your partner off? Please don’t tell me what you think sexy babes want to hear or risk ruining any shot you might have boinking them!
every once in a while you’ll meet someone who magically clicks with you
you dont have to think about what to do, you dont have to worry about what youre saying, everything is perfect
its like all of a sudden you know how to swim
or youre fluent in italian
everything she does is bella and for some bizarre reason everything youre doing she loves.
there have been three women in my life where every single time
it was the most wonderful
thing.
it didnt matter what our emotions were going into it or where we were or what time of day or night it was
it didnt matter what we were wearing or how much we had to drink
it was the most beautiful movie or book or dance marathon, but deeper.
to me it was the clearest proof of the existence of a soul.
its not something you know is going to happen
or who can deliver it
it’s a blessing.
pure luck.
a unicorn.
it doesnt exist except for every time
and each time feels like a dream.
thats why.
tony, besides being ridiculously handsome, and strong, and funny, and talented and wise beyond your years, you know a lot about baseball, particularly about the Cubs, who just traded away their #1 minor league prospect and two other minor leaguers for Aroldis Chapman.
Chapman is a unicorn in baseball, a tall, strong, lefthanded hurler whose fastball has been clocked as one of the fastest in baseball history
of the last 61 fastest pitches recorded over the last two years, how many do you think Chapman threw?
all 61, tony. ALL 61.
but because nothing comes easy for the Cubs, their signing came with a catch. two of them actually. the first is easy, his contract ends at the end of this year, meaning he could fly away to another team at the end of this season and the Cubs would have merely “rented” him for this home stretch.
but the second isn’t so easy. he comes with baggage. Aroldis Chapman was accused by his girlfriend of choking her. he denies it and she never went forward to charge him. but he also admitted to and was later suspended by Major League Baseball for firing his pistol at trashcans inside his garage, alone, after a dispute with his girlfriend (who was inside the house at the time). the police came out but nothing ever was made of it.
until now that he is in Chicago. some within the Friendly Confines say this “taints” the feel good squad that includes the bromance of Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant (and his dreamy eyes).
what say you? how do you feel that someone accused of being a girlfriend beater is on your favorite team?
Curious But Skeptical
well thats an odd way of framing it, but I’ll bite.
the last time i checked we still live in the United States of America where not only are you innocent until proven guilty but once you are formally accused you have the right to Due Process, meaning you go to court, and all the evidence comes out and a jury decides whats what.
the interesting thing about court cases is they sometimes bring about omg facts that were missing in the original account of the alleged crime.
if you think i am being soft on Chapman because he is a Cub and is probably the missing ingredient for my beloved Cubs finally winning the World Series, you would be way off.
i was raised in a house of three people: my mom and my sister. if i found out that any man, including a left handed closer with a 105 MPH heater laid hands on either of them I would probably murder the man. on Periscope.
likewise I think condemning someone without Due Process is also evil. we have a process. it hurts me that more battered women do not always participate in that process, and i do understand why they dont, but we do not have a justice system of “Fuck It He PROBABLY DID IT”. other civilizations have that one and it’s a way bigger nightmare than ours.
because this is a sensitive situation and we do have SOME evidence, let’s review it and see what we can see.
Less than a year ago cops came to Chapman’s home in Florida. Lots of people were at his house including his girlfriend and her brother.
When police got there the girlfriend said that she FOUND SOMETHING ON HIS PHONE that they started arguing about
he retrieved the phone and walked to another part of the house. she followed him, still arguing — all of this is her testimony.
finally he pushes her against the wall and her brother separates them.
she runs off, hears one gunshot.
ok from that account is that domestic abuse? domestic violence? or something a little less horrible?
luckily we have his take too
he agrees that they were arguing about his cell phone and its contents.
he says he poked her pinched her and she dramatically fell to the ground and started yelling, which prompted the brother to come in and push Him to the ground.
Chapman got up and wanted to drive away but his friends wouldnt let him leave.
so in the passenger seat, he grabs a gun, locked himself in the garage and starts shooting inside in the garage.
his friends lock him in his room and the cops came.
things he’s guilty of:
you should never put your hands on a woman
you should never have things on your phone that your girlfriend is gonna get pissed at
you should never own a gun in florida because those are known to go off – especially during heated arguments
why are you shooting at things in your garage? bullets ricochet!
things he is not guilty of:
when we think of domestic abuse, none of what was written in the police report rises to the level of domestic violence.
unlike me, Cubs President Theo Epstein is a genius and cares just as much about Team Chemistry as speed of a fastball.
i seriously don’t think that with all of the talent that the Cubs have to trade for a strong arm that Theo would have traded for Chapman if he thought a) Chapman could actually become a domestic abuser b) thought Champan ever did anything illegal or immoral to his girlfriend or c) is emotionally unstable
Indeed here is what the young man said yesterday about his girlfriend, who STILL is his girlfriend and who still lives with him
so enjoy this team and enjoy the Cubs march to many years of triumph.
i have known people who were chronic Deleters.
while on one hand it’s perfectly fine to change one’s mind, on the other hand its a foolish attempt at control.
you don’t control anything when you delete things on the web. it’s a web, what you put out there sticks. people screenshot it, people cache it. the web caches it.
but most importantly people remember.
and deleting things helps them remember because it brings more attention to it.
i loved a girl a while ago who started blogs, twitter accounts, facebooks, and would regularly delete them. turned out she was bipolar and refused to treat her condition.
it also turned out she was not being totally honest with the people in her life and her digital footprint often outted her for being less than truthful with some who trusted her.
from that experience i concluded several things, top of which was people who chronically delete things should probably seek professional help because their vain attempt at control is a symptom of something much deeper rooted in mental health.
the good news is these things can be treated.
the bad news is the catch 22: most people with mental health issues don’t realize the depths of their own illness and will fight against the very treatment they would benefit from.
so the best we can do is pray for them and constantly nudge them in the right direction.
sometimes it does truly take a village. so if you care about the village, do your part and nudge your loved ones.
Anything you say, Mr. Trump
Felicia from Reseda asks: Why are you such a fucking slob? Are you really THAT lazy or does life just have NO meaning for you? Do you not care what others think of you because YOU don’t give a rat’s ass about yourself? Do you have self-respect? Do you LOVE TONY? Is eating right and exercising and grooming yourself and dressing NEAT (not necessarily nice or sexy!) THAT much of a CHORE/EFFORT? Or, does all that shit take up too much of your valuable time and keep you from blogging and social networking?
time is the most valuable thing we have. that and our blogs.
am i a slob? to some. but it’s a messy thing, not a dirty thing. theres no mold. the maid takes care of the dirt and germs.
me, i love print products: newspapers, magazines, polaroids, paper plates, plastic cups, and the like.
me, i dont love wasting my days hiding things. hiding things in rows, in boxes, in clear cubes, in closets. me, i like finding things. and if they are on the floor, awesome. if i can find the camera, for example, and two pretty girls are on my bed pretending to be bored outta their gourds, then hi, click!
does life have NO meaning to me? i have a feeling felicia youre gonna hate this answer, but when you read the Good Book you will see it taught many times that this life does have meaning, but it’s merely a stepping stone for Heaven. our riches, our treasures, our real meaty substance that you probably also yearn for is not here. it cannot be organized from goods at the Container Store. i cherish the friendships and miracles that i experience with my friends and loves but they pale in comparison for what this is all leading to. and on my gravestone i doubt it will ever say, he kept a tidy room or omg you shoulda seen his closets.
do i not care what others think about me because i dont give a rat’s ass about myself? excellent question. early in my life i learned that i could care deeply about what others thought of me OR i could not give one crap about that. i chose the latter, precisely because i care about myself. perfect example: when i was but a lad i saw mr. bruce springsteen write and perform one of the biggest most touching records ever: Born in the USA, a show where he sold out the LA Coliseum 4 or 5 times over. thats like a half million people just in LA loving him. he took time out of the show to bring up volunteers from the LA food bank, he performed an anti-war song, and he spoke sincerely and deeply about love, loss, and pink cadillacs. he played each show for four hours and tickets were only like $30.
and still when we got out of the show there were protesters, on the radio there was hate, and in the paper there were articles about the Springsteen Backlash. it taught me very clearly that no matter what you do or say or sing, there will always be haters. you cannot win over everyone. so simply do your best to win over the Lord. and Jesus don’t care if you have old bottles of beer on the wall. he just wants your heart to be pure.
do i have self-respect? probably
do i love myself? frequently
is eating right and exercising and dressing neat that much of a chore? yes and it’s boring and a waste of money. if someone loves fat bald tony with clothes from target they probably love my heart, not my smoke and mirrors, which is way better because theres gonna be another train coming through with better smoke and mirrors any minute now.
dont be fooled by the outside, young skywalker, close yr eyes and feel the force.
simple, it confuses burglars