Author Archives: tony

it was the day of rest, i had just finished reading the bible

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and then phone rang

unlisted number

familiar voice

can you come over here and pick up some suitcases and drive them out to las vegas

when?

right now.

the bible is pretty clear about not working on the sabbath, but theres great debate as to whether thats a saturday or a sunday

and even Jesus made some exceptions

i didnt consider this being tempted because technically it says to work six days and take a day off on the seventh and technically im unemployed.

how much are you paying?

a lot.

whose bags are these?

rich people’s.

i put on shorts and a cubs hat and collected the bags. there were lots of them.

they filled up my trunk, my back seat and my passengers seat.

were drugs in there? weapons? stacks of cash?

that was none of my business.

all i knew is they were paying more money than i had been paid in months and if i died or got arrested or got shot, at least id have a stupid story to tell in the world famous.

and even though it irritated me that i didnt know what i was transporting, what worried me more was i wasn’t going to arrive in sin city until 1:30am

i was worried because i get sleepy when i drive long stretches, alone, late at night.

i learned this when i drove around the country a few months into my reign at LAist.

often i would pull over after a late lunch and take a nap, but still i’d get sleepy again at 7pm and have to find lodging

there would be no stopping for this assignment.

but i did make one stop. two. one for gas and another for a Beyond Beef burger at Carls Jr and a large coke.

that burger was vegan and it was so tasty i want another one asap.

i listened to artie lang’s second book, Crash and Burn (2013) as i sped through the night, which was compelling but it’s not the type of stories that put you at ease since they’re mostly tales of him fucking up his life via drugs and drinking and lying and sleeping and being a total ass wipe to everyone around him.

but it did keep me awake.

at midnight i made it to the famous Baker thermometer where i took a great picture of a pretty girl once upon a time. back then it was broken but the other night it was working perfectly. my car was telling me it was 100 degrees out there in death valley, at midnight and the giant thermometer was more conservative: 99.

i took a pic.

then i texted the luggage owner. i said “im 90 minutes out, right on time.”

he texted back. “thats great, when you arrive i will be asleep but my daughters will be up. in one of the bags is medicine. important medicine. please text them when you get here.”

but the number was clearly international and i said, “im not sure i can call that on my phone.”

originally i was told to leave the bags with the doorman but the doorman wasn’t gonna give me any tip. and if ever a guy deserved a tip it was the one driving all night like springsteen delivering the cocaine i mean medicine

but it didnt happen.

i texted when i arrived. the guy said great, thanks.

he texted the dark colored praying hands emoji

and that was that.

no drama obama.

i deposited the cash in the atm the next day and drove home the long way, still fueled on the adrenaline of breaking all the common sense rules of accepting gigs

and being a little more desperate to say yes to anything than im comfortable with.

 

Is the Billboard magazine cover for sale or are they just haters?

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Why do magazines – especially Billboard – hate Lil Nas X so much?

Is the story of a gay, 20 year-old rapper with a country song that has set the record for being on Billboard’s Hot 100 the longest in history (18 weeks) not compelling enough to put on its own cover?

Is it because he’s probably a one-hit wonder? Isn’t that the case for most hits? That didn’t stop them from giving PSY the Elvis treatment when he was just #2 on the same chart.

Billboard dragged its feet and only put Daddy Yankee in its cover after his run of 16 weeks… but they finally conceded on their year end mop-up issue. Will Nas X have to wait until December?

But seriously, why no love for the kid who bought the beat for the year’s monster jam for $30 and roped in Miley Cyrus’s dad and later a K-Pop boybander to keep the party going? Are they hating the player or the game?

He literally hit the high score on their bullshit scoreboard and they stubbornly refuse to give him his well earned props. Why?

It makes me wonder if the cover is for sale. Has his label, Columbia, refused to pay – rightfully? Is that how Billboard works? Is that the obvious conclusion? Are they forever embarrassed for manually removing the song from the Country chart in March? Did he not handle that with enough class?

Which raises the question: exactly how many weeks must a brother have his song atop the Billboard Hot 100 until Billboard places him on the cover? How many millions of views must his video get? Is 254 million not enough?

Billboard isn’t alone. Last week Rolling Stone had the chance to do the right thing by putting the Southern rapper on its cover as part of its New Artist issue but instead chose the teen spirit, Billie Eilish, who is def worthy of praise — but as Babe Ruth said when a reporter asked him in 1930 how he felt about having a larger salary than President Hoover, the Bambino quipped, “I had a better year.”

Nas X is having the Best Year Ever and yet Rolling Stone didn’t even put his name on the cover of this month’s issue.

Shout out to the magazines who have given him his rightful props. Leading the pack is Teen Vogue who for the last few years have consistently done the right thing. In June they were the first to give Nas X the cover story treatment. Since then Dazed, Hits, and British GQ have followed suit, but the pithy play has been pathetic to say the least.

Dont Look Back

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Some say there’s no place for a social media professional once he hits a certain age.

Some say it’s a job for millennials, an entry-level gig that once you turn, say, 35, you’ve worn out your welcome.

While that may be the case in regards to some brands, when it comes to news, especially entertainment news – with all its rich history – I say it’s good to have someone around who knows that D.A. Pennebaker’s classic Dylan doc doesn’t have an apostrophe in its first word.

I think it’s good to have someone around who knows that N.W.A dropped the last period in their name.

I think it’s helpful to have someone in the social media department who knows that Donna Summer had been dead for years before posting on FB that she had just passed.

What’s the value of ensuring that an organizations tweets are as solid as its copy? Pennies? Dollars? Tens of thousands of dollars?

Serious people who realize social media posts are capable of flying around the world in a split-second might say that it’s priceless to give off the perception that you actually know what you’re tweeting about.

And unfortunately 25 year olds, talented as they may be, can’t know everything.

.. and sometimes they skip the factchecking part where you go to IMDb to double-check spelling.

When I was hired to do the lowly task of editing the closed captions for the E! Networks, I had a boss who told me “look up every single name, even if you love that person.”

I’ll never forget that direction. For in even a fleeting caption, our job was to be accurate.

Today the trades, the experts, and even AP did a great disservice to an award-winning documentarian. In part, I believe, while experienced pros are sitting on the bench… or in my case wasting away on the free agent wire, patiently waiting for the phone to ring.

pretty girl asked why arent you writing every day

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and i said i will do anything you want

she said marry me then

i said i will write every day i mean

today i read on the instagram that someone was leaving where i used to work

and he was a good guy. we had some flare ups which is bound to happen

but after each one i went to him and shook his hand and apologized

because when youre 2x as old as someone and you get into it with them

and youre xbi

and theyre just a nice sweet young man you should lead by example

which sometimes means have excellent ideas

but sometimes it means knowing how to take the L

and being cool about it.

because we forget but we are all role models for each other

he is for me and i am for him.

we learn from mimicking and when the day is done after 8 hours a day for years

do i want people to learn the wrong things from me or the right things

the thing i want them to learn is honestly communicate and trust that it will be ok

so if i rip you to shreds using my superpowers, how are you gonna trust to be honest ever again?

anyways he was a good hard worker with lots of skills and he loves love loves movies

which you think everyone does over there, but hes a gd cinefile,

i know a few others who are like that and six seven months ago i tagged them all in an instagram

and i said you three should all know each other.

you should all be friends.

which might be sweet on paper but irl it might be awkward.

i learned some other things too and then picked the pretty girl up

and we saw this guy at the store, the west hollywood grocery store

and he had no shirt on and he was nothing but muscles but not in a gross way

like an aquaman way minus any tattoos and he had shorts on and amber said

oh hes a go go dancer across the street and she couldnt stop staring

and she finally apologized and then apologized again

and just now she made me a grilled cheese plus ham

as van morrisson sings thru the amazon echo

in america

how ozzy bounced back

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when ozzy osbourne got kicked out of black sabbath at the end of the 70s,

little did he know but it would be the best thing to happen to him

and it would revolutionize heavy metal.

but at the time, it felt awful.

he was drunker than ever. he had hit rock bottom. and he thought it was doomsday for him.

his first bit of luck was auditioning Quiet Riot’s Randy Rhoads in LA the day before ozzy was to fly back to the UK

as the guitarist was warming up, an extremely drunk ozzy, who had played for years with guitar god Tony Iommi, was blown away and hired him within minutes. “He played this fucking solo and I’m like, am I that fucking stoned or am I hallucinating or what the fuck is this?!”

Rhoads, who didn’t even want to go to the audition because he never thought he’d get the gig, admitted that he didn’t really rock out… all he had done was a few scales and warmup solos.

but still Ozzy was sad. for a decade he and Sabbath pioneered what would be called metal. not too shabby. but he felt shabby. he went on a three month coke binge.

when he assembled the rest of the band, the first tune they recorded was “Goodbye to Romance,” a melancholy song about missing his old friends. as great as it was, the record label wasn’t thrilled about releasing a gloomy, borderline ballad to kick off The Prince of Darkness’ solo career.

no worries, Rhoads had an amazing riff that would become “Crazy Train,” one of the greatest rock songs of all time, one that gets played in sports arenas everywhere for various reasons.

and more importantly, a song that would have never have come from Black Sabbath.

it was fresh, it was wild, and the solo is breathtaking.

exactly how every new beginning should be.

it’ll be interesting to see how this day turns out

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i have a life changing document i need to submit either today or tomorrow

id like to do it today because tomorrows ambers only day off for the week

and we are scheduled to hang out with my sister and her kids

it’s 244pm and i really should reread all 10 pages, cut it down 30% and shock the world.

then i need to mail an ebay sale i made.

youd think those two things could be done before 420 but i am sooooo bad at mailing things it’s nuts

and as for the life changing document, ive been procrastinating it this long

because i was waiting on something else to happen but who knows if that will ever happen

who knows about anything

which is why you really should take life into your own hands

be the captain of yr own destiny

and just do the things you wanna do

thats what my friends convinced me to do saturday night at 333am after the brothers steve show

and because my friends are the greatest, i think i may follow their advice

had two great lunches today

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the first was with henry fuhrmann, who was copy chief when i was at the times, managing editor, defender of the faith, role model, card shark, and man who i’d go to for guidance about fun things like

how many puns can i get away with on this story about anthony wiener?

i think we had a nice lunch like 6 years ago and so we were overdue. spent two hours talking about journalism, the people from the past, those in the present, and what he thought my future held.

meanwhile i tried to encourage him to spread these tales among the youth of america and he was all LOL who wants to hear that

but everyone should.

then drove clear across town to check out my bro’s new pad in santa monica. dude has five tvs in his one bedroom apartment and this Nest spycam doorbell thing that i always thought was $200 and like $20 a month but he says nope its a one time purchase for $150 and then its free storage for a month.

suddenly i want it very badly.

we ate at this chinese joint i like to go to when im over by there. california wok on wilshire. when i win the lottery theres a few things im gonna do. im gonna send my mechanic on vacation because this dude told me he hasnt had a vacation in 15 years because its a family business and theres not a lot of markup on anything (which is sorta why i was there) and his pops needs him there and no one else can fill in for him so there you have it no vacation. so i figure $20k should cover closing the shop and paying for the vacations of the 4 mechanics?

but the other thing i wanna do is buy california wok and turn it into a fun place. currently its stuffy, quiet, sorta unloved. there needs to be a piano player in there, maybe a comedian on the weekends. maybe dancing at midnight. oh i have ideas.

got home and watched the cubs lose and did everything except what i was supposed to do which was finish my proposal for this thing that even henry liked. and send my resume to the one headhunter in the entire galaxy who said she would find me work.

whats wrong with me?

is it the heat? the planets? do i not want help? why do i think i have to do everything alone? nothing good ive ever done was done alone. the magic was working with and being inspired by Others.

mick’s solo records and keefe’s are awful. but the Stones… now thats something.

teamwork makes the dream work busblog so give that lady your glorious past and buy a new suit.

july goes out like a silly pout and august coming in like a lion

dear log,

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my personal life is at a noine.

and i see some light at the end of the tunnel for my professional life.

ive got two things out there that may come true.

one is the longest shot youve ever seen.

but the good thing is i am dictating exactly what it is, down to every detail, it probably won’t be approved because it’s basically saying

hi im christopher columbus, im gonna sail the ocean blue, with three ships, the pinta and minta and the gloria bell and i know all the maps say im gonna fall off the edge of the world

and there might be dragons

and as the doors said, no one here gets out alive

but i think i know the exact route. and when i get there im gonna plant my flag in Ohio and theyre gonna love me. and imma come back with exotic plants and animals and everythings gonna be different forever. and ever. for all of us. and its gonna cost a ton of cash, but i think i know where to get it.

the other thing is super fun too because it’s almost just like what i have been doing for the last five years, but different in all the right ways.

my odds of getting another interview for that one is high. mostly because i am uniquely qualified. youd think they would have just stopped the search after i applied but my luck isn’t like that. ive gotta work for inch. which i fine. you get stronger that way.

so the other day i was reading wikipedia because thats how bored i have been. and i learned about the tallest stack of pallets in the world (pictured). this guy i guess was super despondent that his little daughter had died. so he got all these wooden pallets and stacked them on her grave(?!) it grew to like 2,000 pallets.

eventually some of them fell down and a few others were cleared out. but then one day he got the wise idea to make it a historical eyesore or something, i mean, a landmark. and the city okayed it.

later one of the commissioners said they must have been drunk that day.

the city?

the city of angels.

former home of the tallest wooden pallet stack in the world.

(when the dude died his kids sold the property for millions and they took away the pallets and built condos.)

i feel like im always working on secret projects

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but since the last one ended poorly im not really keen on calling this one that

but what can you do

taylor swift just told me to shake it off

so i will

hi.

how was your day?

amber asks me that sometimes and i say

the first thing they tell wives of xbi agents is never ask that question

because we are sworn to secrecy

but also, if we werent it would be the saddest list youve ever heard.

just say i hope your day was good.

she asked, so im your wife?

no.

drove through echo park and into east LA today. there was a time a few decades ago that a black man would have not done that unless he was totally lost. but i was totally not lost and it was nice to do.

just little circles.

saw two kids in matching tuxes get out of a huge Hummer stretch limo

i yelled out the window: WHATS THE OCCASSION?

i dont spell well when i yell

he said, MY COUSIN’S 16th BIRTHDAY

mazel tov i said and turned the radio back up.

i have a good life, america. i have good friends. i have seen some stuff. i have survived. how?

ive been blessed, thats how.

i just said hey alexa play miles davis birth of the cool

and music came out of a little box

in perfect quality

my mom can tell you that when i was in college i drempt up that very scenario

and thankfully someone else went through the hassle of making it come true

i love you said amber

i love you too said vous