(Beastie Boys/Caldato)

Well, I got more bounce to the fuckin’ bump

And you want to know why?

It’s ’cause I’m motherfuckin’ truckin’

I’m in the pocket just like Grady Tate

I got supplies of beats so you don’t have to wait

‘Cause I’m the master blaster drinking up the Shasta

My voice sounds sweet ’cause it has to

So light a match to my ass ’cause I’m blown up

I’d like to thank the people for just showin’ up

But now I want y’all to move it

Put your point on the floor and just prove it

And I’m smurfin’ not rehearsin’ gettin’ live y’all

A little puffy so you now what I’m doin’ right

‘Cause that’s the kind of mind I’m in

I got a feelin’ that’s back again

So don’t touch me ’cause I’m electric

And if you touch me you’ll get shocked!

You’ve got the boomin’ system but it’s blasting out doo-doo

You think it’s chocolate milk but it’s watered down yoo-hoo

I’ve been through many times in which I thought I might lose it

The only thing that saved me has always been music

We’ve got our own studio the son of the G

It’s no question life’s been good to me

‘Cause life ain’t nothing but a good groove

A good mix tape to put you in the right mood

This one goes out to my man the groove merchant

Coming through with beats for which I’ve been searching

Like two sealed copies of expansions

I’m like Tom Vu with yachts and mansions

The logo I sport is the face of the monkey

Union made Ben Davis quality it’s no junk see

My chrome is shining just like an icicle

I ride around town on my low-rider bicycle

So many wack M.C.’s you get the T.V. bozack

Ain’t even gonna call out your names ’cause you’re so wack

But one big oaf whose faker than plastic

A dictionary definition of the word spastic

You should have never started something that you couldn’t finish

‘Cause writin’ rhymes to me is like popeye to spinach

I’m bad ass move your fat ass ’cause you’re wack son

Dancin’ around like you think you’re Janet Jackson

Thought you could walk on me to get some ground to walk on

I’ll pull the rug out from under your ass as I talk on

I’ll take you out like a sniper on a roof

Like an M.C. at the fever in the D.J. booth

With your headphones strapped you’re rockin’ rewind pause

Tryin’ to figure out what you can do to go for yours

But like the pencil to the paper I got more to come

One after another you can all get some

So you better take your time and meditate on your rhyme

‘Cause your shit’ll be stinking when I go for mine

And that’s right y’all don’t get uptight y’all

You can say shit because you’re biting what I write y’all

And that’s wrong y’all over the long haul

You can’t cut the mustard when you’re fronting it all

Czaban

hi tony pierce. nice to meet you. i’ve heard a lot about you.

hi. yes i have heard a lot about you too.

i heard that you helped the president’s image.

well the checks don’t bounce. haha. i heard that you sabotaged the paris negotiations to end the vietnam war in ’68.

omg, why would i sabotage those negations?

it was an election year, you are accused of telling the south vietnamese that if they didn’t pull out until after the election, that the republicans would be nicer to them than the dems.

total bullshit. how old were you in ’68? were you even born then?

yes, i was alive then. how do you like being called Manhattan’s Milosevic?

it hurts my feelings. sometimes it makes me cry because i strive to be liked by everyone, especially the village voice. i think that’s why the president has chosen me to head the investigation of 9/11, so that i can prove to everyone that i really do love this country and i can go out on a positive note.

maybe the president wants you to cover up something.

what would i cover up?

the biggest fuck up in american history.

9/11 wasn’t the biggest fuck up in american history.

what was then?

nixon.

was that because you weren’t able to cover it up all that well?

why are you being so mean to me?

did you give arms to Pakistani General Yahya Khan in ’71 so he could kill hundreds of thousands of civilians and take over the democratically-elected government?

Kahn used delicacy and tact.

why did you help the CIA overthrow the democratically-elected government of Salvador Allende and install the murderous military dictatorship of Augusto Pinochet and send him fighter planes?

we were fighting communism. you don’t see any communism any more do you?

uh.

exactly.

Your firm, Kissinger Associates has employed several former presidents including George Bush’s dad, George. And you try to broker deals between oil companies and the saudi families including the royal saudi family.

so?

so, doesn’t it concern you that 15 of the 19 terrorists behind 9/11 were saudi? as is bin laden?

why would that concern me?

because if the truth behind 9/11 is that it was financed by major people of Saudi Arabia perhaps people who you know and who the bush family have known for years, why would you kill the goldenest goose of them all, your clients and business partners? wouldn’t this put you in a position of conflict of interest?

no one is going to kill any geese.

that’s what we’re afraid of. we’re afraid that Bush knew about 9/11 before it happened. it was a Bush/GOP fuck up, and you’re now going to cover it up right before our eyes.

that’s insane, yo stupid. you should sleep late, man, its much easier on your constitution.

so youre going to find out everything about 9/11 and tell us all about it.

yup.

why don’t i believe you?

cuz you think everything george bush does is somehow evil.

or stupid.

yeah, or stupid. but check it. if appointing me was such a bad idea, how come welch didn’t write anything about it?

cuz even welch knows that bush will be allowed to get away with murder in anything that he does. it’s always a free ride when it comes to anyone whose name is george bush. so i think instead of fighting or being all up in arms he’d rather fight paper tigers like the LA Times and write about sports. plus he’s got a pretty wife. maybe he just wants to kiss her a bunch instead of writing about this, which is so easy that even i can write about it.

she is pretty, isn’t she.

yep.

robert scheer

everything was going well. the old man didnt know english and was smoking a pipe. the old woman didnt know english and was working the copier. the young son was probably nine years old and cocky and bored and played his game boy advance and translated without looking up.

please tell your father it will be 130 pages, color cover, perfect bound, 150 copies.

the boy worked the gizmo and said, “papa, wah wah wah-wah wah wah wah-wah.”

the father replied, “wha wah wah wha.”

the boy said, “two thousand dollars.”

i handed over the cash and gave the old man a manilla envelope with the manuscript.

he opened it up as i waited for my receipt.

“it should be done by monday morning.” the boy said, smiling after hitting pause. he took a long drag from a juicy juice juice box and went back to his game.

the old man said, “uh oh.” and looked at me and called his wife over.

she said, “wah wha wah wha wah. pierce-ah?”

they looked at me and took the manuscript into the back.

soon there was a faint odor of smoke?

yes that was smoke.

then the smoke detector went off in a very annoying long high-pitched tone.

some might call it piercing.

the boy hit pause again and looked up irritatingly.

from behind the curtain there was a scuffle.

the old woman came hobbling out with a flaming garbage pail and the old man chasing her.

they ran out of the store past me and threw the entire fireball into the street scattering the pigeons.

the old man ran back and gave me back my envelope of cash.

“you go now. go!”

as i slowly left the shop i passed by the little boy who was leaning against the front door playing his game. he looked at me, put his headphones on, and went back to defending the universe.

buzz machine

Do It

Texas Hotel Records (1988)

“Do It”

Don’t think about it

Do it

Don’t talk about it

Do it

Do it, do it

Don’t lie about it

Do it

Do it, do it

Talk about your sick man, so good you got to do it,

do it

D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do it, do it

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it

Don’t lie about it

Do it

Why give a fuck about it, man

Do it, do it

There’s a law, but who cares

Do it, do it

Don’t rip me off, man, just do it, do it, do it, do it

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it

Don’t talk about it

Do it, do it

Don’t lie about it

Do it, do it

It’s rock n roll, and the message is

Do it , do it

Just do it,

just do it

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it

oh lord, tony pierce. please dont make fun of me.

what would i make fun of you about?

see, youre doing it already.

doing what? michael, i love you.

no you don’t.

of course i do. i have said over and over that my first concert ever was the jackson 5 and im proud about that. and very happy.

where did you see us?

in indiana.

really?

yep. i think at the circle star theatre.

okay then. what do you want?

nothing. im just here to say hi.

no youre not.

shit, michael, put a little trust in your heart.

i want to trust you, tony, really. it’s just hard, you understand. dont you?

michael, look at me. we’re both pretty much the same. Blacks from the midwest, now living in cali. child stars.

you were a child star?

regionally.

where?

in my living room. no one could beat me at electronic football.

mattel?

you know the one?

of course! all those tour busses and lonely hotel rooms and plane trips.

you never got it on with the groupies?

nah. my brothers did, i was too young.

oh, michael. you poor kid.

wow.

what?

youre really not going to make fun of me.

nope.

thats freaky as hell.

why should it? like i was saying, once i was super black, now im not .

skin disease?

too many white girls rubbing all up on me.

tony, have you seen sarah’s new design?

yes, i’d rather not comment.

it’s not good.

shhhhh. she gets sensitive about that sort of stuff.

but it used to be SOOO good. so classy. so, well, Great.

michael, dont talk about how things used to be.

but…

you’ve stopped looking at the man in the mirror, havent you?

you know whose blog i love?

oh shit.

i love Barbie’s blog.

thats just wrong. where did you find it?

andrew sullivan.

can i make fun of him?

no, he’s my friend.

then i better go.

okay cya tony.

cya mike.

pete.nu

onight with the new host Cindy Taylor.

if Art Mann ever gets his ankle broken, im sure i could be the goofy regular guy asking all the hoochie mamas in the exotic bars “whats the wildest thing that happens on on this island?”

actually im not so sure i could do it. ive seen other guys try to do it and they all look like dopes, except Art. Art seems to pull it off with equal parts i-can’t-believe-i’m-here with i’m-gonna-bang-every-one-of-these-sloppy-hos.

maybe im just projecting again.

my arms are sore, my carpal is cilling me, my heart is broken, my bed’s too big without you, my book is unpublished, my blog is a bore, my maid’s eighth number is disconnected, my cubbies didnt get thome, and my hundred year old tv is about to finally go out. so how come im not bummed out?

cuz tlc has a new video out and one of the chicks has an “im a pepper” tshirt on that i sent a hot chick for her birthday and yet ive never seen her in. i think she probably gave it to her girlfriend for sweetest day.

ive been hearing some of the best lesbo stories lately.

wanna hear some?

k.

this one girl who i barely talk to on the aol im emailed me and said she wanted to chat. so i got online and she starts telling me that she is about to graduate college and she feels bad that she has never “eaten from that side of the buffet table.”

but she does have a girl in mind who she wants to give it up to and they exchanged pictures and then they exchanged topless pictures and then they exchanged full on nudes.

now maybe im over the hill but that was good enough for me as i couldnt even believe that this girl was even talking to me, let alone, telling me some pretty good dirty tales of lust among co-eds.

and then she showed me a picture of the girl in question and i nearly fell right over in my chair.

perfect. young. smooth. perfect. perky. shaved.

perfect.

nay has a new layout

welch has been leading the eric neel parade for a while, and today he convinced me.

i check in on welch and layne several times a day because i trust their analysis of politics. unlike me, they’re fair, educated, and write in a professional manner. that’s why no paper wants them on the regular. fuckholes.

today welch points us again to neel on espn’s page two and eric made me laugh. which isnt easy. especially when he starts off by saying that the nba should get rid of it’s classic jerry west logo. but he does have some funny alternatives.

me, i liked the iverson version.

blogger has been a bitch this morning so i will make this quick while the time bandits window is cracked open for a brief second.

ashleys been calling me every night. she might think it’s hard on her. it’s doublely hard on me. see, ive been to the edge, and there i stood and looked down. i know what the future holds for me, and its definitely not super hot twenty year old blonde girls with cheerleader outfits and glitter.

so please take it easy on the temptation.

what’s up with the book? just your typical drama. its been banned from kinkos. the name tony pierce is a bad name in the copy shops and respectable printing palaces in LA so i might need to bust with Sonny I. LaVista on the cover because everyone seems to think that what i have created is obscene.

i sorta wish that the original printer hadn’t sat on it for three weeks because i really wanted this thing mailed out this week. #1 because i want you all to have it #2 because i want all of you to write about how great it is so that #3 all your readers would order it from me for themselves for Christmas.

looks like we’ll just be happy if you get it for Christmas and any profits i’ll make, if there are any, will be after the first of the year.

my mom wants to know what i want for Christmas.

i told her i want something for Hanukkah. ive never had a Hanukkah gift.

me and karisa are going to celebrate the holiday by seeing 8 Crazy Nights tomorrow.

do you know i love the Donnas.

i do.

ham fisted theatrics

ut it’s jarret house north’s.

happy birthday!

i was lucky enough to see ms. spears this year. i had great seats and i was even inspired enough to come back home and do a photo essay for your ass.

i was disappointed by the lipsynching but i guess i should get over it since nothing is real anymore, it’s all just a beautiful dream and as long as they keep the fluid clean in these pods of ours we can keep believing the grand lie and float around in our ignorant bliss.

im getting lots of mixed reviews about Solarass, geroge clooney’s new movie.

some people think its fantasstick, some people, like karisa think its a piece of shit.

once i was walking down the street and i realized i was walking right behind mr. clooney, true story.

and he had a little bounce in his walk and he was taller than i thought and i was going to the bank and he was going to he bank.

and the teller blushed and tried not to stare at him and he just smiled and talked in that great voice of his and everyone was just so damned pleased as punch to be standing at the bank in westwood with george clooney and i’ll tell you, i was pleased as punch to be standing at the bank with george clooney too.

nobody really talked to him or asked for an autograph because we don’t really do that in LA which is why the stars like it here, but george seemed to be in such a great mood that he woulda signed anything you handed him, i bet. and i saw the deposit slip right there, and i had a pen, but ive lived here long enough to know that autographs are for the tourists, lets just let george enjoy his trip to the bank.

first motherfucker i ever saw who literally laughed all the way to the bank.

now, for our girl britney.

i think its about over for her.

i don’t see her being able to sustain this frenzy and christina is far sluttier, and the people seem to like that, and britney cant really sing all that well, and shes not much of a dancer.

i say shes in playboy in three years.

people send me fakes of stars all the time. fakes are ok. i can live without them. but a while back when i was doing a little more nudity on these pages in order to drum up a little traffic (it worked) i did some pages like this, but i warn you theres nudity

but mostly i liked that one because it sorta looked like my old editor amy.

anyway, im a christina, anna, and mariah fan. o-dub is all about britney, and he must be in louisianna right now doing the crawl with her because his page is mysteriously barren.

oliver, where are you?

oliver willis

13

Geffen Records

“Fear of Flying”

(Love)

Hey, I don’t look back on all the things I’ve done

I’ve never looked for answers in a song

Ain’t got no good ideas, I’m staring at the sun

Don’t always look for comfort in a song

This is your one-way ticket so don’t fuck it up

Your flight is boarding and you’re running out of luck

Add a new vibration to the situation

Add a new vibration

I’d love to save the world like nature’s only son

I’ve never looked for answers in a song

Don’t have to paint no words the thoughts that don’t belong

Don’t always look for comfort in a song

This is your one-way ticket so don’t fuck it up

Your flight is boarding and you’re running out of luck

Add a new vibration to the situation

Add a new vibration

hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey

Add a new vibration

hey, hey, hey

to the situation

hey, hey, hey

to the situation

hey, hey, hey

to my foundation

hey, hey, hey

Add a new vibration

hey, hey, hey

Add a new vibration

hey, hey, hey

to my foundation

hey, hey, hey

Add a new vibration

hey, hey, hey

to the situation

hey, hey, hey

to the situation

hey, hey, hey

Add a new vibration

hey, hey, hey

Add a new vibration

hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey

nydreams

what the chick from useless looks like or even if shes real, or even if shes a she, i still get sad a little when she leaves me alone here in america on one of her top secret treks to europe to do some of the badass nude modeling that hopefully she’ll send to me for christmas.

speaking of babes, went down the hall today. super cute girl who i really like is walking down the other way, turns off. i think to myself, “maybe you should go across the street to the drugstore and get some deodorant just incase you see her again.” i seemed to have forgotten to shower this morning. showered late afternoon yesterday, but, you know.

so i hop in the elevator. and guess who climbs on board? she is so damn cute. dammit! leans over to see if the correct button is pushed. im sure she got a terrible whiff.

elevator opens, i let her exit first, nice smile, maybe she has a code in her gnose. lets hope so. walks off with her nice skirt and tall boots. me? speechless.

so many things i coulda said.

hi mighta worked.

got to the store got some of the largest, most phallic bananas ever grown. then the gayest man in america wrote a check and took forever doing it.

i will drink every time somebody writes a check from now on.

quick shoutout: if my man MC Cridland is out there, thanks for the pictures! i dont have your email address!!!

the picture on the left is of the two sisters from madpony. they write about me because they think i will give them hits, i write about them because this time next year they will have four times the hits that i get and i will want that traffic.

they were bored over thanksgiving weekend and the younger one called me. my caller ID blocks calls from underaged girls but somehow they got through. damn security holes. anyhow, if you believe what they write, this is what a 15 year old girl looks like talking to me on the phone.

kristin, the older one, says that i like lauren better. its true. i like her better cuz she listens to my advice. i told them both to get a wishlist and only lauren got one and bam, first day, got something from it. somehow i need to get a cut of those profits.

kristin says that in 3 years when lauren is legal i will be the one calling her on the phone. i tell her no way am i gonna let some 18 yr old in on my social security.

see how we are?

speaking of x, kids write me all the time asking me if they should do this drug or that drug or they ask me if i really drink as much rum as i say i do, etc.

heres all you need to do in life, people: say hi to the pretty girl in the elevator. that right there will beat the hell out of any drug or mixed drink.

if you really want to go for it, ask for her number.

trust me, if i had gotten her number my heart would be beating, thered be a lite film of perspiration on my skin, and i would feel like dancing.

desert flower