“i can’t believe you bust your ass interviewing totally young southern girls, and then getting an exclusive club review from paris hilton and you get one measly comment! this is a fucking outrage.”

winona was so mad she broke the italics button.

“what does a man have to do to get a little love in the blog world? dont they know you still have carpal tunnel? dont they know you’re trying to walk the path of the straight and narrow? dont they know that you are pounding the pavement up and down the mean streets of this city trying to find a copy shop or printer or publisher to knock out a few hundred copies of your Blook so you can deliver them before Christmas? Dont they know how you bust your ass for them?”

i pretty much sit on my ass, baby. its cool.

“it ISNT Cool! whats cool is after you write something if 70+ people commented. fucking Oish doesnt update for a week at a time and all her readers comment. same goes for pretty much everyone. why is it that they dont comment here? all they have to do is say ‘you fucking rule, tony, god i love you.’ but they dont. they take and they take and they take and they take.”

shoplifter, easy.

“yes, i take too. we all take in one form or another, but i give back. i make the movies for your asses. i pose for the photos for your asses. i was on SNL – which they tried to fuck me for in the sentencing today.”

assholes.

“fuckbrains. and now im gonna cough up about ten large and do 420 hours of community service.”

four hundred and how many?

“480. sorry. im just so pissed off. and whats the story with how people ride the bus in this town? i mean really.”

what are you talking about?

“oh, they took away my drivers liscense today at the hearing.”

how come?

“fuck if i know, i didnt run off in a car with their shit. i had a driver. hows a bitch supposed to work in this town without a drivers license. so i had to take the fucking bus home.”

where do you live?

“santa monica.”

so did you take the 4 from beverly hills down santa monica blvd?

“i got lucky and there was a 304 express.”

sweet.

“yeah. but this fuckwad– full bus, okay. this old fucking bitch is in the back of the bus. she pulls the string whatever to ring the bell, she walks all the way through people to the front of the bus to exit. WHORE! what does she think the back door is for?”

please, dont tempt me.

“it’s for getting off, bitch.”

thats a better line than i was thinking.

“i dont know how you do it tony. you ride with all these morons, then you bust on the blog and you get no respect.”

yeah. hmmm. yeah.

“i wish there was something i could do for you.”

i think youve done enough.

“i’d steal you a scarf but im sorta a marked woman.”

its all good.

“and i bet you’d look great in burberry.”

its the thought that counts, winona. now go out there and make mr. deeds 2 for me.

“what are you doing tonight, tony?”

i have a date.

“what about tomorrow?”

im gonna watch the OU game.

“wanna watch it at my house?”

ok.

“bring your swim trunks. i have a hot tub.”

i cant seem to find my trunks, winona.

“even better.”

8. tonypierce.org

force the goose

is let you in on what is happening in hollywood. the city that i live in.

when i read blogs from around the world i like to hear whats going on in those towns.

i like it when people post pictures of their towns and include stories, and for the most part we do that here.

with that said, we present you with the first of what i hope to be many more reports from the glamorous clubs of tinsletown.

this morning, ms. paris hilton writes to us. ms. hilton was in town for Motorola’s annual Christmas party in west hollywood.

afterwards she went to the newest and most happening club in hollywood, Club Ivar on the incredible Hollywood Blvd.

tony.

got into the ivar.

used my girlie charms which i have put on reserve for years.

liz & i walked up to the vip line and some lady said you need to go to the other door and get bracelets. we smiled at the bouncer at the door and he said “no they don’t. you girls can come right in.” so we smiled and said “how bout us plus four????” and he winked and said ‘sure’.

it is not all it is cracked up to be. but they were giving out free red bulls & vodka’s for some crazy reason. and there were rumored to be free margaritas too.

there is a 2nd part of the club where you have to pay to get in. $20. and you cannot wink your way through that. bob saget said we could get in for free, but then they still said no. it was quite bizarre. what was bob saget doing at the ivar? he must be about 45….he looks about 26.

see what a full house will do for you.

the employees were freaking out b/c fred durst was supposed to show up. they were literally pushing people out of the way. that is when we decided to leave and went to ‘the room’.

i hugged a bouncer from philly and then i puked up my red bulls & vodka in the bathroom.

i have a meeting in precisely 10 minutes.

how are you?

7. baseball blog

perotheus

anna always tells me that i never tell the loyal readers of the blog when i have done a new photo essay or a new interview or done something to the web site.

so since i told her i wasnt going to do anything like that until she came back to tennis (which she did yesterday in Dublin) follwing her most recent injury… where was i?

oh yeah, i had the opportunity to chat with one of the hottest new girls of bloggerdom, lauren from madpony.com.

lauren is fifteen, an equestrian rider, is that how you say it? and an all-around funny chick.

my guess is she really does know how many days are in november.

her older sister kristin is in a sorority in oklahoma and will hopefully agree to an interview soon too.

people write in and ask me why i give these girls so much love. thats easy. they’re funny. theyre smart. and they both hype the busblog nearly every day.

they credit this blog with the success of their blog, which has only been around for less than a month, and yet i havent made their hall of fame. interesting. perhaps there is more to the nomination process than meets the eye.

some things that did not come out in the interview: lauren is a super fast typist. its crazy. she can do three lines before im done snorting one. [ rimshot ]. thank you.

she really does like the pancake maker that was first popularized when my good pals bonnie and charlie got one for me for my birthday. see, those two kids’ love has spread across this great land of ours.

is lauren taken? well thats a question that i didnt bother to ask. for all you boys still in highschool, lets just say perhaps you should ask her yourself. for all those men out of her age group, yes, shes taken and shes jailbait, so move on.

regardless, here is the interview. click the pictures to advance to the next page, and feel free to tell me how great it all was in the comments below.

5. screechin

6. what in the sam hill

i love raymi. let me tell you why.

raymi does everything that she knows that i like.

she dresses in lots of different hot outfits, she runs around naked. she smokes. she sings karaoke. she goes to baseball games. she hangs out with assholes. she makes her own money. she writes and writes. she loves sex and talking about sex. she loves lesbo love. she loves writing about loving lesbo love. and she loves me.

but most importantly, she sends me pictures of herself.

do you know how much i love pictures?

lots.

of all the blogs and web sites in the world, how many have as many pictures as this one?

one reason might be because people have the belief that we are all still using 33.6 modems and people wont wait for the pics to load and in their desperation to get as many eyeballs as humanly possible, they dont use pictures, or they dont bother with pictures, or they dont know where to get them, etc. etc. etc.

but most of you have fast connections, or you believe that it is worth it to wait for my pics.

and the porn industry has proven years ago that you will wait for pics regardless of your connection speed.

which is why i love raymi. she understands all of this and shows me her pictures via her web page and the boys send her money and she uses that money to fly here and make gorgeous canadian love to me.

and i am thankful.

raymi is only 19 and most young girls seem to think that if you give a man what he wants either he wont respect you or he’ll get bored or he’ll turn on you or he’ll call you a slut or all these varieties of negative things. and that might be the case for some fellas. but for others, if you give them what they want, they’ll give you everything.

everything, ladies.

and i know shes busy. shes working on her masters, shes in a womens bowling league. shes demonstrating in the park to help legalize baseball. but pretty much every day she’ll wake up, put the camera under her skirt and click a pic for your pal and email it off just to let me know that she still loves me.

and people, that means a lot to a dumbass like me. it means tons, actually.

i get emails from all sorts of people for all sorts of things. but the thing that rings my bell like no other is a little digital love from a cute little topless foreigner who truly doesnt give a fuck. a nibble from the north. something to get my juices going.

some girls worry that their tits arent that big or that they dont wear the right clothes or that they dont live in the right part of town. learn from raymi, gals. all that matters is your attitude, all that matters is you know what button to push.

in this case its the top one.

the one that makes the lens open for a split second.

the one that says tony i heart you.

this is me.

look at me.

want me.

have me.

forever.

take me.

do me.

love me.

lust me.

n

o

w.

raymi is the shit

Sent: Thursday, December 05, 2002 2:19 PM

To: knbc.news@nbc.com

Subject: Content Feedback

To whom it may concern:

…

I was shocked and dismayed to view the Michael Jackson “Photo Essay” slideshow on your site: http://html.nbc4.tv/sh/slideshow/_auto/sh4376s1.html

…

I’m not sure if this is a public domain because I couldn’t navigate to it in the usual way, but a friend sent it to me. I put “Photo Essay” into quotes because this technique was actually stolen from a great web author who has been using this technique for awhile now and from what I know about the Internet – he originated the style.

…

Not to mention there was no discussion of the content being displayed and the pictures were overused Michael Jackson photos that one could find anywhere and that have been viewed a million times over. Don’t even get me started on the horrid design. Or LACK of design.

…

If you have any integrity you will at least credit the author who has been using this style for a long time now. Or hey, better yet, contact him to create a masterpiece for you. tony@tonypierce.com.

…

Here is a sample of his work:

…

http://www.tonypierce.com/bestof.htm

…

And here is a particularly brilliant one:

…

http://www.tonypierce.com/fall/dearkids

…

Sincerely,

Mariah Carey

4. brett lamb

Cover to Cover: A Musical Autobiography

Push Records

19

(Coutourie/Hardcastle)

In 1965 Vietnam seemed like just another foreign war,

But it wasn’t.

It was different in many ways, as so were tose that did the fighting.

In World War II the average age of the combat soldier was 26…

In Vietnam he was 19.

In inininininin Vietnam he was 19.

(TV announcer’s voice)

The shooting and fighting of the past two weeks continued today

25 miles west of Saigon

(Vet’s Voice)

I really wasn’t sure what was going on

Nininini Nineteen, 19, Ni-nineteen 19

19,19,19,19

In Vietnam the combat soldier typicaly served a twelve month tour of duty but

Was exposed to hostile fire almost everyday

Ninininininininininin 19 nininininninin 19

Hundreds of Thousands of men who saw heavy combat in Vietnam were arrested

Since discharge

Their arrest rate is almost twice that of non-veterans of the same age.

There are no accurate figures of how many of these men have been incarcerated.

But, a Veterans Administration study concludes that the greater of Vets

Exposure to combat could more likely affect his chances of being arrested or

Convicted.

This is one legacy of the Vietnam War

(Singing Girls)

All those who remember the war

They won’t forget what they’ve seen..

Destruction of men in their prime

whose average was 19

Dedededededede-Destruction

Dedededededede-Destruction

War, War

Dededede-Destruction, wa-wa-War, wa-War, War

Dedededededede-Destruction

War, War

After World War II the Men came home together on troop ships, but the Vietnam

Vet often arrived home within 48 hours of jungle combat

Perhaps the most dramatic difference between World War II and VietNam was

Coming home.. .none of them received a hero’s welcome

None of them received a heroes welcome, none of them, none of them

Nenene Nenene None of them, none of them, none of them

None of them received a hero’s welcome

None of them received a hero’s welcome

According to a Veteran’s Administration study

Half of the Vietnam combat veterans suffered from what Psychiatrists call

Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder

Many vets complain of alienation, rage, or guilt

Some succumb to suicidal thoughts

Eight to Ten years after coming home almost eight-hundred-thousand men are

Still fighting the VietNam War

(Singing Girls)

Dedededededede-Destruction

Nininininininininin Nineteen, 19, Ni-nineteen 19

19,19,19,19

Nininininininininin Nineteen, 19, Ni-nineteen 19

19,19,19,19

(Soldiers Voice)

When we came back it was different.. Everybody wants to know “How’d it

Happenned to those guys over there

There’s gotta be something wrong somewhere

We did what we had to do

There’s gotta be something wrong somewhere

People wanted us to be ashamed of what it made us

Dad had no idea what he went to fight and he is now

All we want to do is come home

All we want to do is come home

What did we do it for

All we want to do is come home

Was it worth it?

utter wonder

at the olympic auditorium in downtown LA.

when i got home from the movies i got in a little fight with ashley. around two a.m. the phone rang and i thought it was her, so i said “what!” and it was christina.

wanna try that again?

oh its you. baby.

thats better.

whats going on my little dirrty girl?

just drunk, half naked, tired, sore, thinking of you.

aw, sweetie.

i was thinking that i dont know what you want for christmas and you know how things go, i should find that out now and get it to you before i forget.

honeybunch.

i really wanna pull an affleck and buy your momma a car, but then i realized that you dont have a car.

buy my momma one, im good.

you dont have to tell me your good. seriously, what can i get you?

you know what i really want christina aguilera, i want to see if i can get 100 new links before christmas.

you dont want to have sex with me?

nah.

our sex wasnt good?

of course it was. but i think ive had the best sex i’ll ever have and so i’m not so concerned about that any more.

so you want what again?

links. i want 100 people who have never linked me to link me before christmas.

how many new links do you normally get a month.

30.

wow. im not sure that will be do-able.

one thing you’ve taught me, my lil mousekateer is that anything is do-able.

good point.

what do you want for christmas, christina.

you to be my boyfriend.

ok, i’ll tell you what, if i get 100 new links by christmas then i’ll be your boyfriend.

promise?

yes, i promise.

and you’ll forget about all these other hos?

well i cant promise that i’ll forget about them, but i will be your man.

and you wont write about mariah?

if thats whats gonna make you happy.

ok, it’s on. how many new links have you gotten so far, tony?

three

1. trueboy

2. insignificance

3. gabe anderson

this is the dress i would like to elope with you in.

people dress up to elope?

sure, all the time.

do i hafta get dressed up too?

it’s our elopement, i’d hope you wouldnt wear that gwar shirt.

actually anna, i would like a big huge fairytale wedding. i have a lot of friends.

i know, but weddings are a hassle. trust me. you dont want to be in the middle of it all.

you really want to marry me?

desperately.

where would you want to elope?

vegas.

you know why i love you, anna?

why sweetie?

when you say vegas, you dont say “vegas, baby.”

why would i say that?

marry me, baby.

k.

where shall we honeymoon?

doesnt matter. im not letting you leave the room.

can we order room service?

all day, all night.

shrimp?

definately.

so why do i need to dress up.

gotta give the ‘ratzi some good photo love.

always thinking, sweet angel.

krix

to see the adam sandler animated Hanukkah musical “8 Crazy Nights”.

we were a little nervous because the reviews were all “Longest 71 minutes of your life, or “…forgettable, soggy and dumb..” or “…a dark, vulgar, brooding turnoff of a movie.”

i’d have a witty review for you but we walked out before the first crazy night.

after ten minutes i was thinking “can you really walk out of a movie after just ten minutes?”

then karisa groaned and we couldn’t look at each other and then after three more bad jokes and the second super long belch for no good reason, we got off our asses and left.

the mann’s chinese six is the new cinema behind the famous mann’s chinese attached to the hollywood + highland complex. its big, beautiful, awesome sound, stadium seating, etc.

we walked into the lobby and told the usher how bad the movie was, he offered to give us our money back, but we had two big bags of popcorn, drinks, so we asked him when was the next movie starting?

he pointed to “They.” but the other usher, a funny black dude, shook his head and looked down.

my brotha.

karisa asked, “have you seen harry potter?”

i said, “i haven’t even seen the first one.”

she said, “me neither, but ive read the books.”

and we walked to the theatre and she filled me in on what happened in the first book.

there it hit me, karisa is a fox!

so all i remembered of the back story is: harry is a wizard.

being 109 years old has its advantages. i know a bunch of good jokes, i can see into the future, i can bring absolute pleasure to a woman, i don’t get jealous, ive seen it all, all of my dreams have been fulfilled.

but being 109 also has its disadvantages. the worst being that if you have a few drinks with me, and maybe a smoke out in the parking lot, after a big Sprite and a huge buttered popcorn, odds are no matter what’s on the screen, i will fall asleep. especially if the movie is starting at 10:30pm.

harry potter is 2 hours long. i think i managed not to sleep for 25 minutes of it.

anyways karisa is the best. after she dropped me off she wrote me an email letting me know that my local nbc tv station is “biting” my photo essay style with a really bad photo essay about the ever changing look of michael jackson

dear nbc tv, how do you make a bad photo essay about the ever changing look of michael jackson?

isn’t that like the easiest thing you could ever photo essay?

ok, heres how you make it bad:

– use Times Roman typeface

– have too much unindented text

– have text that’s not funny or sarcastic or interesting

– have crappy little pictures that everyone has seen

– steal from me, but forget to steal the good parts of me

my advice, hire me. if you can use AP pictures i could be the staff photo essayist and instantly bring you tons of hits and together we can start a brand new thing on the web.

p.s. i’d work from home, i’d work cheap, and i could completely beat the ass of whoever it was who made that silly lil thing.

clarissa

i think so.

the other night i was with a young lady who kept saying

softer

softer.

i would do my thing and she would say

okay now even softer.

i was all, but im barely touching.

she said youre almost there.

soon i wasnt moving.

just throbbing.

she arched her back and reached up behind my neck with both hands and said

dont move

and dragged her teeth down my side

pearly whites on the peachfuzz of my skin

not even the skin.

then lower and she said watch me be softer and her tounge led the way followed by the firehouse red lipstick and they both sank beneath the blankets

i could barely feel

the velvets vu scratchy popped now and then on the turntable. somewhere a clock ticked.

somewhere time stopped.

and just then i could feel.

the blankets moved purposely

lit only by the moonlight sliding through the slits in the venetians

after a while she emerged and attacked my mouth with hers and bit and said

thats a boy.

then she grazed her lips against my cheek

and said, thats my boy.

took her pointy finger and dragged it across the goosebumps on my back, crawled off, slipped on her satin

marched to the kitchen

returned with some props.

and suddenly i found myself involved in a pop quiz.

scandelous