Author Archives: tony

jacklyn called me last night from her miata to cancel

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and since i was already in my pajamas bottoms and slippers it was fine with me. in the old days i would have been upset since i would have had cleaned up the pad or phoned the maid or tossed everything into a closet but my chick-esp was pretty accurate recently and the post-ponement was somewhat predictable.

plus part of being a hot chick is to double- and triple-book and canceling becomes part of daily conversations.

she was no amateur apologist either.

lately ive been using the fuck out of my george foreman grille. ive been getting chicken breasts at the corner meat market– one of the benefits to living in a city– and slicing the slimy meat into strips. pour a little chinese chicken sauce and basil and pepper on it while microwaving green beans and whole potatoes, and within ten minutes theres dinner, slackerboy.

the george foreman grill turns that meat into food in three minutes.

because my carpel tunnel is slowly going away, but still there, i decided to fire up the television and eat on the couch like a normal human being instead of placing the plate on a chair and eating from it while i typed on my computer in the closet. on the news, which i never watch, were politicians and citizens in droves protesting the SF court that splooged on itself yesterday with its unfortunate ruling.

not since 9/11 have i seen such bipartisan agreement on an issue and it made me happy.

one senator said that a judge who would believe that “under God” could convince a kid to Believe in God shouldnt be allowed to be a judge.

everyone was up in arms and suddenly quite religious. sure they were all dirty liars who would drive back to their virgina estates or dc condos and do any variety of very very dirty behavior, but our symbols are important to us, and their cush jobs are important to them, and all the Dans of the country are good for us, even though on this topic they are so very wrong.

but it’s all good, im wrong once in a while too.

drank a little more rum than the norm, talked to ashley and chris and jeanine and os and ali and so many other people on the phone and have i told you that i really dont like the phone? it’s true. what ever happened to all those beautiful promises of Virtual Reality? remember the huge sunglasses and wrist pad controller? that was so ’90s, isnt it like way past the year 2000 now?

wheres my virtual reality phone where i flip on my glasses and i can see these nice people and talk to them that way?

its 2003 and karisa calls me from her cell phone to mine and theres this 2 second delay even though we are only 3 miles away from each other.

wtf is up with that?

i know what it is, these companies are holding back on us.

just like jacklyn does to her suitors, just like hilldale does to the Lord,

just like I do to you.

70. wormtalk

71. orby

72. Telerama

at least guns, cigarettes and Ticketmaster’s monopoly are still legal.

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kitten today some pussy ass federal appeals court in Frisco ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance was unconstitutional.

i keep telling you people, anything is possible.

i wont even get into the ridiculousness of this nonsense since im sure all the cool lawyers with blogs will rip this apart in many ways in a much more educated manner.

but, thanks for the fodder, frisco. at least now bloggers can write about something other than calling newspaper columnists asswipes for dissing blogging.

and since this is probably the only blog you’ll click to written by a Christian minister, simply put, i think that spirituality is a Vitally important part of a human being’s experience on Earth.

duh.

deny it all you want, this country was built on many of the good foundations of Christianity but the words “one nation under God” is so watered-down and bogus that only a bunch of pasty asses in a courtroom by the bay could find something wrong with it. But you know what they say, seek and ye shall find.

yes, kids shouldnt be forced to do anything religious that they dont want to do, but when was the last time a kid really was forced to do shit in school?

and isnt the Pledge a nazish indoctrination anyway? and a highly ineffective one at that? how many of us LOVE america because of standing up with our hands over our tits mumbling some robotic drivel at 7:50 in the morning when we were 10?

kids are better at resisting orders than anyone. thats why theyre not in the Army.

frisco, hang your heads in shame. if some freaking foreigner tried to rip the Good Word from our great land, we as a whole would rise up and defnd it in a fight that would be talked about for eternity.

but when this group of “Americans,” or that group, or the courts slowly nibble away at it like vermin, we sit on our hands like doped-up vagrants waiting for our superheroes to appear above the horizon.

ain’t none on the horizon, Believers of God, ain’t none.

drink your microbeers on the Marina, youre the court that brought down Napster.

youre the court that will get slapped in the face by the Supreme Court.

youre the court that people will point at and laugh in the very near future.

everyone knows that making kids say Anything in school isnt a state endorsement of shit. does the state endorse that homo Shakespeare when they make kids stand up and recite Macbeth?

Nine months later Allah has won another round.

63. Intricate Plot

64. kitty bukakke

65. Get A Clue!

took the girl who blew me off to minority report

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and here’s my non-spoiling report.

“Minority Report” is not as good as people are saying that it is.

It is very very good during its good parts, but those parts do not keep this zeppelin soaring throughout the entire adventure, which is a STINKING SHAME because it could have been awesome.

Borrowing a great deal from the Kubrick crime and punishment classic “A Clockwork Orange,” Spielberg has obviously surrounded him with spineless wanks who do not have the courage to say to the fine director that sometimes you have to EDIT the waste. I really liked a lot of this movie, but theres enough fat to trim this 2 hour, 17 minute sci fi thriller into a 90 minute work of art easilly. Super easilly. How easilly? Ever pee before? As easy as that.

But people in Hollywood are soft and dull and solely interested in their immediate financial gains and a Tom Cruise/Steven Spielberg/Philip K. Dick summer blockbuster is money in the bank, so why tip over the cash cow.

Because you can make tons more cash, gluttons, giving the people High Quality.

Nobody’s going to see this movie 3-4 times.

And another thing. Why no super hot chicks? There’s a character who’s interesting and floating in water most of the film and she’s bald. Do you know how many super hot babes dying to be known for being hot (even while bald) in such a non-sexual role? Tons.

Maybe when im not so busy will i make a list of actresses who would have been way better than Samantha Morton, who did her job well, but added nothing to what could have been a nice semi-sexual sub-plot to a film that lacks no sexiness. But I’m more than used to that on any post-Risky Business Cruise vehicle.

Tom wasn’t bad. Hardly annoying. Mostly believable. Almost likeable.

Was there music in the film? Can’t remember.

Was there awkward comic relief? Some.

Would I recommend this to you? Reluctantly, yes.

I am sick of encouraging geniuses, which Mr. Spielberg is, to continue down this path of sci-fi mediocrity. If you want to be Kubrick, bro, you’ll have to become a tad more of a perfectionist. Get an editor who doesnt care about your past.

And, jeeze, steve, Kubrick was known for more than his weirdness, his look was so easy to borrow from, the symmetry of the shots, the balance, the colors, the optical illusion of it all. None of that was present here. It never is. People borrow from Kubrick all the time, but they ignore the look, and thats a big fat mistake.

I give Minority Report a solid “B.”

59. Greatest

60. Englers

61. Moxie

62. Richard Giles

next assignment, peace in the middle east

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my korean christian bro points us into the direction of the following story from the BBC. pk was very upset at the prospect that i was going to have to be pissed at Italy for the rest of my days. fortunately they backed down from my viscious threats.

Perugia president Luciano Gaucci has had a change of heart and decided not to sack Ahn Jung-Hwan for scoring the goal that knocked Italy out of the World Cup.

Gaucci had told Ahn he was not welcome back at the club after his golden goal knocked Italy out in the second round last week.

But the outspoken president has backed down and taken up the option of permanently signing the striker from K-League club Busan.

The Serie are now reportedly lining up a move for Japan’s star player Junichi Inamoto.

Perugia spokesman Paolo Giovagnoni said Gaucci’s decision to sack Ahn had been spur of the moment.

“It was an emotional reaction, a provocation,” Giovagnoni said.

Perugia had already bought “one half” of the player and their option to complete his transfer was due to expire at the end of the month.

Ahn has been with the Italian side since the start of 2000/ 2001, spending most of his time there on the bench.

His header lifted South Korea to a surprise 2-1 victory over Italy.

Gaucci responded by proclaiming: “I am not going to pay the salary of a guy who has been the ruin of Italian soccer.”

Gaucci’s words drew criticism from around the world and the Asian Football Confederation threatened to tell all Asian players to stay away from Perugia.

once again, busblog to the rescue. keeping korean soccer players employed since 2002.

she said, what i find interesting

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about this photograph is what the passerbys–“

the pedestrians?

“yes, the pedestrians, the motorists, those riding on bikes, QUIT INTERRUPTING ME–“

the skateboardists?

“the rollerbladers, the people sitting having lunch. all of them. i wonder what they think of a photographer taking a picture of a camera crew caputuring a tee vee image of martha stewart?”

i love it when you stimulate my mind, do you know that?

“no, seriously,” she said. as if being serious ever stopped me from cracking jokes, “how weird must that look from across the street or emerging from the subway.”

do you know that youre the only girl i ever think about?

“i bet you say that to all the girls.”

yes, but i only mean it with you.

“you dont think about the others when youre with them?”

yes.

“you dont say nice things to them?”

no, not really.

“and they put up with that?”

yeah, they seem to want to do things to make me say nice things.

“fools.”

and you, i say nice things, and you ignore them and toss me aside like a peice of errant string that you discover on your skirt.

“is that why you like me?”

i like you because i can see whats deep down, and i can see the layers, and i can see the wall, and i can see all the crazy energy all around it, and its mezmorizing.

“thats not how you spell that.”

dont change the subject.

“did that chick really blow you off to see ‘scooby doo’?”

yep.

“dont you feel like a chump?”

i always feel like a chump.

“say something else nice to me.”

your eyes are like fireflies…

56. hemingway

57. we are full of shit

58. ny dreams

what some of my friends are writing about this morning:

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“There aren’t many places that are as moody as San Francisco. Not in the same way, at least.

“To quote a character from a story I threw out a while back: You spend your time on the same couple of tired blocks and you think that’s all there is to the city, until it sneaks up on you and you see what Tony Bennett was talking about.

“San Francisco is the ex-girlfriend you can’t shake: she’s kind of shallow, and you never really got along, but then you catch a glimpse of her somewhere and it just about kills you.

“And you have to be nice because you’ve got the same friends.” – sksmith

—

“Let Tony Go

“Tony Pierce, who writes a great blog, announced a couple weeks ago that he’s going to stop writing it. His loyal readers have been up in arms, and there’s been different contests to see if Tony’s fans can persuade him to keep up the good work.

“But maybe Tony should stop. He’s an incredibly smart and creative guy with loads of writing talent. If Tony stops the blog, it won’t be long before he comes up with something completely new and provoking.

“There was much sadness in the land when Ken Layne pulled the plug on Tabloid.net in 1999, but now he’s working on his second novel and doing other interesting things.

“So give Tony a chance.” – amy langfield

—

“Hire My Rocker Friend!: A longtime friend and ex-bandmate, who is a sweet & smart chap with extensive web-designing, set-building and coffee-pouring experience, recently sent along this group e-mail:

Hey, does anyone know of any job type situations for an out of work musician?

Anything will help. Thanks.

“If any of you L.A. readers have spare jobs dangling from your sleeves, please let me know.” – matt welch

—

“Pas de posts pendant quelques jours. Je pars en reportage dans l’Arizona couvrir les feux de for’t.” – emmanuelle

54. Eminent Brain

55. Dave Tepper

people write in all the time

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and ask me what my real job is.

i perform a public service. most of you could take advantage of the service that i provide, if you only knew to look for it, but if i told you, it would ruin your impression of me.

this morning, however, im groggy from only getting a few hours sleep, my wrist is sore from hours of being on the computer, and my heart is broken after the girl who id been sorta reaching out to penciled me in for “minority report” only to cell phone me at the last minute to tell me that she was stepping into a different theatre to screen “scooby doo” with her roommate.

win some, lose some.

i’ll be losing her shortly.

since i had so much time on my hands, i procrastinated and then around midnight decided to make a new photo essay dealio. big mistake. they may look simple, but they take at least 3-4 hours. this one only took three. lucky me.

my arm hurt like crazy last night and i truly was in a movie-watching mood, so i finally changed the channel to HBO and took in “Cast Away” which was ok. but you should know something is definately wrong when im watching Tom Hanks movies. terribly wrong.

my arm still hurts. early stages of carpel tunnel, im sure. so im going to not post anything else today and just go back to blowing leaves and making the bossman money.

“dot.con”, by the way is spectacular. im up to page 88. if you read one book this summer read the Bible. if you read two read “dot.con” and then the Bible. im not kidding. its that good. super super funny too. and action-packed!

who knew layne could write so well?

51. just another pane in the glass

52. live from los(t) angeles

53. Now Is The Time For Pants

jeanine came over

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jeanine came over yesterday to suntan in my courtyard and it’s always good to see my good friend.

i dont know how she does it (yes i do), but she’s skinnier than the twenty year old, and her belly is perfect for bouncing quarters off of, which i did a few times as she snoozed beneath the velvety rays of the southern california sun.

she threatened to move to new york with her retired parents who promised to set her up in whatever sprawling peice of real estate they are sure to snatch up if the Big Apple does end up to be their new home.

her visit, as always was far too short, she did rid me of a few stray Bud Lights that found their way into my fridge and thanked me for always remembering to put pictures of monkeys on this page whenever i stumbled across one of them. this image reminded me of how she used to say that if she didnt wear a bra her boobies would turn into pancakes stretching to the ground.

i would argue, “you’re 21 years old, im topless, you should be topless too, we’re in the comfort of our own home!”

she would fire back, “i will compromise with you, i’ll take off my stove pipe hat but nothing more.”

Jeff and Dawn and Eric and Shira have their hearts in the right place, but they have it all wrong, but i appreciate it.

From what I understand, you don’t have to put my name on your site and link to it to influence Google, alls you have to do is go to Google’s page, put in the word “tony” and then scroll down to where you see that it’s my page and click on it.

It’s like how the Republicans vote. By cheating, i mean by grassroots networking and insightful, intelligent social planning based in human potential, realistic economics, and courageous… ok, it’s cheating.

but come on, everyone, make me the president of the united tony’s, i promise to legalize fun and toplessness.

This just in, I am now #12 with a bullet! Thanks to you I’ve passed Anthony Robbins, Tony Roma’s, Tony Brown’s Journal, and Tony Bennet. Step aside, old men.

49. N.Z. Bear