but he knows that i only accept calls from hot young babes, so he left a message. he’s in town to play the Bowl tonight.

it was a long message, so i called him back. im terribly impatient, since the operation.

tony, do you think we’re doing the right thing? you know, oing on with the tour a mere four days after our comrade of 30 years john entwistle’s sudden passing?

no, i think it’s really bad form.

no.

yes, and counting crows as your opening act? what, was dave matthews busy?

counting crows is good!

counting crows is good the way flaming diahreah is good after too much texas chili. you really are deaf, aren’t you, pete?

changing the subject, what’s up with ken and matt calling it quits?

i dont know, i think this is a good time to AOL interview them and find out.

i thought you were mates, don’t you know?

turn up the volume of your phone, old man. i said i didnt fucking know! they’re probably just a little burnt out.

it is the summer time. and they might either be inking a deal with Dick Riordan to run his new paper, or they’re pooped after getting teased by him. either way, they deserve a vacation, they both have hot wives, and whats better than hanging out with your wife in the backyard in your bathing suits?

i see that your links are up to 84 now, of those who havent linked you yet, who would you like to be linked to?

Good question! Definately Little Green Footballs. ive met charles on a few occassions and he is a swell guy. not at all what i expected.

what did you expect?

i dont know, but he’s just a super cool, mellow, long haired musician who just seems to know way too much about computers and music.

what about Andrew Sullivan or Postrel or Stryker or any of them?

well, it would be nice, but i really dont read much of them so it would be hypocritical.

but you link to them.

yeah, but thats a courtesy to people who might not like what i have to write about and who are looking for your big names in Blogging.

aren’t you a big name in Blogging?

no, not even.

don’t be like that, you know you are.

im not being like that. im a freak. i write about myself and interview celebrities in my head. why on earth would that appeal to andrew sullivan?

so those goth girls, that one sister really got pissed at you.

yeah, well, who can blame her, she caught my site on a bad day.

how so?

well, on the main page was a picture of lil kim next to a poem about a kid asking the town slut if he could finger her.

so?

so, then theres all these pictures of half naked women, and in the post the day before i wrote about the real goth twins is an entry about “fake” twins who have sex with me with a third girl.

why did you put fake in quotes?

because my life is way better than i let on.

so that entry is true, then?

no, pete, nothing in here is true.

but your life is better— your sex life is better than you let on?

way better. and not just that part of my life.

then why wouldnt you want to write about it?

because then that little girl’s head would have really exploded. if she cant even grasp the idea that Maxim might not be as bad as all her trendy-lez-friends convince her that it is, how is she going to be ok with a single man pushing the boundaries, with the help of totally together, totally independent young women pushing their boundaries?

what is it about you that allows you to have such an interesting life?

hmmm, hell if i know. maybe it helps that im single, im alive, and i live in LA.

thats all it takes?

pretty much.

so you say all the right things to the ladies, is that it?

i say some good things, but i say a ton of the wrong things too.

how do you get away with it then?

i keep smiling pete, just like youre about to do, except you smile all the way to the bank.

piss off.

same to you.

84. Get Your Drawers On

Coulter, when he isnt a gullible San Francisco police detective, is the finest rock drummer in all los angeles. he’s also and excellent bartender, hilarious drunk, and semi-secret genius oil painter.

steve and dan and greg and keith brown grew up together in manhattan beach, california and went to high school there and everyone came up to Santa Barbara to go to college.

Except Steve.

I’ve never asked him why, but Steve stayed in LA and went to Cal State Northridge, which i didnt know for the longest because everytime i turned around i saw him standing next to me in line at the keg. Infact, my favorite Isla Vista band, the Wonderfuls starred Keith, Dan, Greg, and Steve.

Indeed, Coulter played drums with two of my other favorite IV bands, Mons Pubis and Truck, and probably played in more but my memory isnt so good when it comes to Isla Vista rock n roll history– which our belated birthday boy is firmly entrenched.

Another interesting little tid-bit about our pal is that of all of our friends who are famous writers, Coulter is the only one with a journalism degree, which he got at Northridge.

And did you know that before Ken Layne married her, Steve dated the lovely and talented Laura Crane? Yes, for a long time. Infact im not so sure any of us would have ever met or known Laura if Coulter hadn’t plucked her out of that sorority and showed her the magic of rock.

But the coolest thing I ever remember Steve do is join Tsar.

At the time Steve was in another band signed to A&M Records and Tsar was starting to hit their stride. Everyone knew that Steve belonged playing with the Jeffs and Dan. They played a show or two with him as the “special guest” and then he played with them when they appeared on KXLU on a midnight radio show.

Tsar had had a nice drummer before Steve, but he wasnt the wild man, the animal, the fall-over-the-drums keith moon john bonham alex van halen who was only missing the flaming gong that Coulter is.

I don’t know how he broke the news to his old band but he got the courage and jumped ship.

And on that night rock and roll was ripped a new bunghole, thanks to a painfully shy native californian named Steve who was born 23 years ago.

you go, girl.

83. clifton gray

hi tony, you look groggy.

am groggy.

do anything fun this weekend?

same old, same old. you know.

let me guess, you did your laundry, watered the plants, cut the grass?

yep, pretty much. i did see that new adam sandler movie though.

oh shit, isnt it awesome!

it is good!

tony, why do these critics get it wrong so much?

well, think about it, how many movie critics do you know who are particularily intelligent?

none.

cuz if they were they’d be getting paid like ten times as much working for the studios as consultants.

or as, oh, i dont know, directors.

or writers.

i never liked ebert when siskel was alive. i like him less now.

seems to me that they’re nice enough film geeks who got lucky and fell into a job where they can be wrong all the time and not have to write well.

sounds like a perfect job for you.

pssst, nobody likes you, monday.

shhhh. but did you really expect them to really like an Adam Sandler remake of a Capra classic?

no, Capra is one of the eight directors they all reference. he’s untouchable. now if their boy Tom Hanks redid Capra and had Meg Ryan costar in it they would fall all over themselves slobbering all over it, but let someone creative and funny and original like Adam Sandler truly go for it…

and they’ll bitch slap it.

i went over to RottenTomatoes.com, and nine out of ten critcs hated Sandler’s “Mr. Deeds.”

how much money did it make this weekend?

$37 and a half million dollars.

did people at your theatre like it?

fucking loved it.

guess the critics don’t know shit.

couldnta said it better myself, my friend.

you should make a list of all the critics who loved it and got it and said so last friday.

sounds good, but it will be a short list.

speaking of short lists, how come you dont have anyone proofread your site?

yeah, i know. i do my site super late at night, and last night i didnt even click through the new photo essay once to make sure it all worked.

that woulda taken you a whole two minutes.

i know, i know, i suck. just, when you get to page 23 and whenit wont let you click to page 24, just type in 24.htm at the end of page 23.

so that it goes to http://www.tonypierce.com/2002/7/1dearkidsoworld/24.htm ?

yes.

you’re losing it, dude.

i know. i lost it a while ago.

have a good me day.

i’ll try.

82. compulsive

why you always talking about them white girls?

i like white girls.

why you never talk about black girls?

oh, mrs. williams, i talk about black girls all the time. i was talking about lil kim just the other day.

yeah, you said she was a ho!

no, i said that people have reputations that arent always true and it’s unfortunate.

you called that girl a ho and then had her spit from on top of a ferris wheel in the wind and hit the top of a ticket booth at a carnival!

it was symbolic.

say wha?

i was describing how she had total control of her body.

you a fool.

and i was saying that through her mouth,

dont you

and her lips

you stop

and her sweet sweet

im hanging up

semi sweet chocolate.

click.

80. a candle in the window

81. the back seat driver

till death do we part, honey bear.

so why do all these papers say we’re finito?

wishful thinking.

thats good. i almost gave my vile of your blood away to the first woman i saw this morning. she had nice legs though and i got jealous.

i decided to keep it for myself.

no one has better legs than you, ms. croft

mrs. croft, to you. i saw the bourne identity over at Sonny’s house last night.

i miss you.

and i got to tell you, i miss you too, that ending fucking reeked.

you kiss your mother with that mouth, baby?

yep, my brother too.

you know i was just thinking about how all these Hollywood studios spend all this money on special effects, and advertising, and big name stars, and writers, and directors, and costumes, and…

cut to the chase, sling blade boy.

i call it a kaiser blade.

mmm hmmm.

and the ending is Everything, yet they dont have an Ending Department. or some suit who’s VP of Endings.

good point.

am i going to have to start up a web site called DamnGoodEndings.com or some shit and show all these big wigs how easy it is to put a good ending on a movie?

good endings arent that easy.

sure they are, look at Karate Kid.

ok, mr. miyagi, you work on your crane move cuz im gonna be home in a few days and im gonna want to examine your progress.

ive been flipping through your pictures, waxing off to them.

putting it all into a special vial for me?

we’ll actually maria wanted a new necklace and it’s her birthday next week and…

hanging up now, gross man.

getting a new tattoo for you, hot younger woman.

what does it say?

it says “tonypierce.com”

oh you copy cat!

i know, i got jealous.

call me a romantic but i think all you really do need is love.

if my wife and i could only afford a double-wide, a bird feeder, and a grand am, as long as she kept me fed and didnt mind my beer belly, i would give her everything else she could want: three to four minutes of passion before bedtime, a lush yard, and constant reassurances that her ass still looks good under that housecoat.

i would only hope that she would let me do my smoking indoors, although that looks like a mighty comfy chair.

beyonce woke me up this morning, quite impressed that nearly 80 people have permalinked busblog since 6/2.

told ya it’d work,she snickered.

yeah, yeah, do you have any idea what time it is?

i have a question for you, though, tony. what are you going to do about all the nice people who linked you before 6/2?

well, beyonce, i said, lots of them are nicely linked on my Links page, but i might do something a little special next month. i am an appreciative fellow, you know.

just then the call-waiting clicked.

it was anna.

i hung up on beyonce and took the call.

hi baby.

hi anna, whats up?

just wanted to hear your sweet voice.

aw, thats so nice.

so what are you doing tonight, honey?

hmmm, that was a trick question, i thought. i knew that anna would be arriving in the wee hours from wherever she was flying in from, and i did have a date with Rosalita to see Adam Sandler’s new movie costarring our favorite crook, Winona, but i lied and said, “nothing.”

great, can you pick me up from the airport?

oh, shucks, doll, you know i dont have a car.

i know, im gonna send over a limo and i want you to ride in it and be waiting there for me when i arrive.

hmmm, what time?

9pm. i got a ride from John Travolta. he’s flying me in special.

and that, people, is how i started my morning.

hope yours began better.

tony’s lesson of the day: never lie in real life, only on blogs, or you might wind up with a sweet old lady in a trailer park after all.

79. easy bake oven

we kids had to listen to the radio. and twenty years ago The Who released “It’s Hard,” and had a little band called The Clash to join them on their farewell tour.

Because rock n roll radio has never been very creative, when the Who announced their demise, my favorite rock station chose to honor the british quartet by playing an entire day of their music.

the pierce family wasnt the richest, but i had all the equipment that i needed to caputre an hour and a half of the classic rock: i put my radio shack tape recorder (the type that had big buttons and a handle) next to the speaker of my alarm clock radio. i made two ninety minute tapes that i ended up playing nearly every day for the next few years.

people try to knock john entwistle, who died yesterday of a heart attack in his hotel room in las vegas, for not moving very much on stage. but what did you want him to do?

in the early days the Who not only had Pete Townshend’s trademark windmill arm movements and leaps and smashing of guitars, but you had Roger Daltry whipping his microphone around via the mic cord, but you also had the legally insane Keith Moon behind the drums who’s ass could barely sit still for a beat.

It’s my belief that if Entwistle moved more than an inch he would have been poked in the eye by a guitar or a mic or a drum stick or a drunken englishman.

even though the who rereleased their volumnous material since that ’82 “retirement” and have toured several times, and found a mini-resurgence in their music when “Tommy” took broadway by storm, they really didn’t make a serious studio album since “It’s Hard,” which is fine. They were done.

Such a perfect band with a classic history.

And now the Who are without their rhythm section and the Beatles only have their rhythm section.

i, too, hope i die before i get old.

75. The Path of Wrong

76. Not A Cowboy

77. Bunko Squad

78. Oh, It’s You

tony.

anna, baby.

tony, honey.

anna, sweetums.

tony, studly.

anna, why do you love me so?

your body. i really only love you for your body.

anna, why do you think the brits hate you so much?

lets not talk about the brits.

anna, how much money have you made playing tennis?

tony pierce, since when do you care about money?

well, people are trying to figure out if you are the number one loser in all of sports.

ok, im hanging up now.

you cant hang up, you’re on a cable modem.

i really dont appreciate this line of questioning.

save it for the press, blondie, im your friend.

then start acting like one, and say sweet things to me. im lonely.

kevin brown.

pardon me?

jalen rose, larry johnson, andy ashby…

stop stop, who are these people?

these are men who make $8-$10 million a year who are big time losers.

holy– i dont make anywhere near that!

yeah, no kidding. my people tell me, anna, that you’ve made $3 million in prize money your entire career as a pro tennis player.

you’re people are good. so?

so, the bbc or reuters or whoever cant really call you the biggest loser in the world when guys like Mike Hampton, who lost the only World Series game he ever pitched, is making over $10 million a year to pitch poorly for the Colorado Rockies.

see why i love you?

The major league baseball season is nearly at the halfway point, which means that he has almost made $5 million this season– almost double what you’ve made in your entire career and his record this season is 4 wins 8 losses and his ERA is over 6.

Is that bad?

thats bad, anna.

why is that bad?

oh, it means that over 9 innings, he will give up 6 runs that are his fault.

why is that bad?

because most teams only score 4-5 runs a game, which means your team will probably lose if Mike Hampton is pitching for you.

but, tony, you said he pitches in Colorado, isnt that the park that you showed me where everyone hits Dingers all the time?

yes! great memory.

so, wont his team hit dingers too and score more than 4-5 points?

possibly, but a pitcher who is getting paid $10 million a year should only be giving up 2-3 runs a game. even in Colorado.

i see. yes, tony, you are really my friend. you’ve made me happier.

and here’s the clincher for you, anna, when people think about baseball, well, let me put it this way, if you ask little kids to name baseball players who do you think they’ll say?

i dont know.

well, you start naming baseball players, anna kournikova, sexy girl on the other end of this digital love fiesta.

ok, tony pierce, studly boy in hollywood. lets see, sammy sosa, alex rodriguez, ken griffey, babe ruth–

current players, hottie.

oh shit, sorry, ok, randy johnson, mike piazza, brady anderson, oh-la-la, curt shilling, david justice–

David Justice?

he’s cute, tino martinez, barry bonds, jeff kent, jt snow, shawn green, rickey henderson, ichiro!

ok, ok, you can stop.

no, wait, this is fun, who else is cute? ok, mike mussina, eric karros, chipper jones, andrew jones, nomar garciapara, oh shit Derrick JETER, Pudge rodriguez, brett boone,…

ok, anna, stop, stop, you’ve proven my point.

what point is that?

here you are, a foreigner, who knows very little about baseball, although you just impressed the hell out of me, if i found out you were looking at the sports section of USA Today over there, whereever you are, i’ll be disappointed, but you reeled off a few dozen baseball players and you didnt even mention Mike Hampton.

well why should i?

you shouldnta because he’s a loser.

yeah, like me, right.

no, anna. if i asked any kid to start naming women’s professional tennis players they would never not mention you.

hmmm. so?

so? so heres who theyd mention, venus and serena, monica seles, jennifer capriatti and you. and thats it.

well, those are the top players.

and they are the players who get people interested in the women’s tour, sorta. but you would be mentioned first. and when they mention you, they’d do it with a smile.

perverts.

perhaps, but when you have a product, like the WTA does, or tennis in general, or adidas, and you have someone who is easilly recognized associated with that product, you want there to be a smile attached to that recognition. because smiles equals money. you have a value. and some would say that it is far more than the half million bucks that you’ll maybe make this year not winning tournaments.

and money makes the world go ’round.

no, your smile makes the world go down, comrade, now pick up some whipped cream and get over here as soon as you get off the plane.

ok, tony baloney, full of macaroni.

see you when i get home.

not if i see you first.

caio bella.

dobri den’, dorogoy boy.

73. Ipse Dixit

74. Will Wagner

on your blog?

i said, flea isnt good enough?

she said, flea’s good, but what about someone like Dave Navarro or Tommy Lee?

i said, how about Johnny Knoxville?

she said, perfect!

i said, but don’t you think, thats sorta, ummmmm, gay?

she said, tony, nobody who stumbles across this blog would ever think that you’re gay.

i said, really?

she said, hello. i usually have to clean my hands after i read it because the testosterone gets all over me.

i said, ok.

she said, do you like johnny knoxville?

i said, yeah, i do. i can see why girls like him, cuz he looks like dylan and–

she said, bob dylan?

i said, no, my friend Dylan, from Champion, or whatever their name is.

she said, oh, i dont think ive met him yet. cutie!

and i said, uh yeah, so i think guys dont feel threatened by johnny because he will be dead in about a week and a half.

she said, dont say that.

and, i said, yeah, and i doubt that his weiner works anymore.