you barefooted commieloving third world ingrates.

can you even count to 13?

time accepting Good in their lives?

yes.

do i, sometimes, have a hard time accepting Really Good in my life?

no.

not me.

im perfect.

all i shoot for in life is fun and good.

so why would i avoid it when it comes?

or be freaked by it?

theres no way that i would have a problem with a bucket of moola on my front porch with a note that says “no strings attached” or a brokendown bus of cheerleaders in town for the national poetry convention who need to use a telephone,

or true love

of false love

or true false love

or lust

or flirtation

or the opportunity to make my personal and professional dreams come true.

no, i wouldnt have any problems with any of those things. i would accept it all, take it all in stride, thank the Lord and go to the next step.

i would never dwell.

i do things textbook. perfect. as it should be.

i come correct.

in fact i dont have a personal or psychological stain on my entire soul.

im just like you.

thats why we get along so well.

we know theres no such concept of too much of a good thing.

so if the coppers drag me out again, tonight, after happy hour, remind them who the fuck theyre hasseling, yo.

25. http://www.tinylittlepenis.com

i do.

kate has finally started a rock n roll blog. shes a famous music journalist and her blog is so cool, and it’s only just begun.

dan is sara’s main squeeze and he has a new blog. you know sara because i link to her and if you didnt read her post yesterday about getting drunk with the Lampoon boys during her stint at Harvard, you’re missing out. i would love more of these stories, btw, since that is a world that i will probably never even visit. so educate us. and its always nice to know that the normal fugly guys can get smooched by the hotties too.

ian knows more about art noise punk rock pop than i will ever, and hes a hippie and hes a vegan, so how cant you love him?

mc brown’s site is one that i go to every day. even though i disagree with him about Tearing Down a Bowling Alley for a school, i still admire his mad skillz and his always-terrific photography.

amy doesnt write nearly enough, but i guess she can say the same for me. shes one of the coolest people ever.

and last, but not least, is Rabbit, who is an aquaintence, since we’ve never been in each other’s homes, and have only talked at parties together, we have lots of mutual friends and are basically neighbors. but shes a fantastic writer, and far hotter than that chick who beat her for hottest babe blogger or whatever craziness that was. and speaking of craziness she is going to post on her blog every hour today, so she says, so stay tuned.

hopefully she will still have something to say after i get back from my dentist appointment this evening (around 7ish) so that i can interview her for you, the good people of the web.

p.s. after you fall in love with these sites, please dont completely abandon me, come back from time to time to say hi.

i have an inordinant amount of lawyers who visit this page. i have no idea why theyre attracted to these words, maybe it’s because im wrong all the time and i make them feel superior. (which is the only reason i ever find myself on Drudge’s page, so i understand.)

Max Power, our friend who won one of my crazy auctions, takes me to task for my Tyson defense. Maybe he’s right. What do I know. All I know is what I read and I don’t even read that much.

Apparently I’m the only man in America who thought that Tyson got the short end of his first offense when his booty call went bad.

And, to my naive surprise, rape is a touchy situation that brings up all sorts of emotions from my readers, many of whom are women.

I have always appreciated Law and I have always thought that if I was a better reader and student that I would have made a pretty decent lawyer.

Perhaps Power, who says he had a mighty fine seat in the courtroom when Alan Dershowitz argued for Tyson’s release on appeal, would be kind enough to answer some questions that a Black man and Tyson fan would like to know about his conviction:

Why did Don King give Tyson a tax attorney to handle this rape case? Why would you ever put an imbecile like Tyson on the stand? How often do first offenders of a date rape case get three years in the slam? What famous white men have done time for a first offense date rape case?

If Max is too busy doing things like, I don’t know, earning a living, I will be happy if any of you other counselors could flow your two cents into this discussion. And trust me when I say it is a discussion. Obviously I think Tyson got a raw deal. And of course I think rapists, be they first offenders or not, should go to jail for a very long time– way more than three years– but since that isn’t what normally goes on, why was Tyson’s case the exception… if, indeed, his was exceptional.

And then maybe one of you high paid suits can tell me why Ticketmaster is getting away with being a monopoly.

In other news, I can’t believe all the notes from dudes saying that they want more about Ashley. Popular opinion regarding my relationship with her is totally up and down and right now i thought it was down. I thought you people didnt want any more stories or pictures or adventures co-starring our glitter girl?

I’m so confused.

I’ve been really confused a lot lately.

So I will create a poll about Ashley later today and maybe you’ll be kind enough to help me out.

Did you see “American Idol” last night? Totally classic. Loved it. Reality TV at its finest.

Absolute proof that there is nothing worse than an uptight arrogant british homo telling you that you cant sing and you have to waddle off in your crop top and heels bitching with each step.

Put that show on every night and I will watch it every night.

I dare you.

and finally, Jodie Foster dressed as a nun is really unfair. Gerald Manley Hopkins is spinning in his grave.

you have come here in droves from that killer FoxNews columnist Ken Layne.

Layne dropped you off half-way inside my Britney review.

For the entire dealio go here.

If you want to go back to Layne’s column click here.

thank you.

caio!

when youre done, feel free to look around and you might even like the Anna Kournikova thing on the left.

yes i have my dreams.

some may be ridiculous, leading the Cubs to a world series victory thanks to my motivational people skills and gutsy baseball strategies.

but some are totally attainable.

lately my dreams have been coming to my doorstep and knocking, bashing, pounding, jamming their fingers into the buzzer and not releasing after quite some time.

some of the dreams are even rude.

would i like to date fashion models and actresses and bikini clad pop stars?

no, not really.

would i like to throw out the first pitch at Wrigley one day in my jersy and cap?

yes, but i’d wear the pants and shoes too.

first i’d check the imaginary runner at first.

lean into the catcher for the signal.

check that bastard at first again.

throw from the stretch.

raise both hands in celebration.

for the longest time i thought that my life would be incomplete without a girlfriend. in some ways i still think that, but just like 12 hours of sleep each day, that dream has faded away into a better reality that i do not Need as much as i thought i did, that i can be pretty happy As Is.

of course thats when the buzzer rings again and the Cubs want me to coach one of their instructional leagues but first i have to fill out some paperwork including a two thousand word essay on Why I Want The Job.

i could do two thousand words in my sleep.

im doing a few hundred words in my sleep right now.

but i resist the hoop that i must jump through. its crazy. i dont understand. all i have to do is take a step forward and yet i resist. everything that i think i can do and do well is right there within arms reach and i am hesitating.

and i couldnt hate matt damon and his buddy more but of course they deserve the gwenyths and the oscars since they obvioisly have no problem with the paperwork.

and to the form fillers come the riches and the spoils.

and to me, what do i have?

a blog.

and a buzzer.

my apartment was invaded by a tiny little rodent last month and anyone who knows me knows that i do not like little rodents and i screamed like a girl and considered many things including moving, including moving far away, including running for the hills.

and then i got super desperate and made a secret pact with the Lord that if he allowed me to survive the night that i would get a cat.

anyone who knows me knows that i dont like cats, but i dont like mice worse.

and this was just a frightened little tiny mouse but — do you have any idea how little i have to pay for my rent? you’d hate me if you knew.

i dont want you to hate me.

im watching Regis. i watch him every morning.

i like him a lot, but i like his cohost Kelly a lot too.

kelly: did you play sports in college?

regis: i played football.

audience: {laughs}

regis: i played under the name Paul Horning

kelly: no shit?

regis: Regis Philbin is my stage name

anyhow, my next door neighbor got kicked out of her apartment last month because it became known to the landlord that she had 5 dogs and 6 cats in her one bedroom apartment. she could have either gotten rid of her pets or move.

she moved.

but she left behind two cats.

i think one of the now-homeless cats ate the little mouse, which is something that i am praying for right now, watch.

Dear Lord, please let that cat have eaten that little mouse and any other mouse in and/or around my sweet pad. Amen.

but last night, after Chris dropped me off from our super fun italian candlelit birthday dinner in los feliz we were saying goodbye in my alleyway, and the church next door has lots of clergymembers who hang out around the doors of the church all night long. some like to jog around the complex. regardless, they all look at me. apparently im entertaining to watch.

one of the newly stray cats approached me and my exgirlfriend and started purring.

“please take me off the streets,” it begged.

it rubbed its neck against chris’s ankle.

then it stood next to me and looked away as if nothing was at all the matter.

“here i am, arent i handsome?”

i dont like cats.

i really hate rodents.

im sorta messy.

my maid is cleaning my home right now.

i dont think i want a cat.

but the Lord has delivered upon me a very handsome cat that i think would be able to get along with me.

i might even be able to make a little kitty door for the cat so that i would not have to bother with litterbox issues.

i think these days on the streets have been good for the cat.

i wouldnt want a lame ass pussy cat.

thats not the sorta house i run.

usually.

i would name it Losty.

22. http://haardvark.blogspot.com

23. http://istanblog.blogspot.com

24. http://annessa.net/

m&m’s doesnt need to worry about gimmicky new colors.

they already have the greatest m&m color: green.

even little kids knows what will happen if you eat a bunch of green m&m’s, nothing, but that doesnt stop the legend from being propigated and revered.

therefore, why isnt m&m/mars selling individual packs full of solely green m&m’s?

if you were about to go on a hot date, or wanting to appear sassy, or wanting to give a certain someone a tiny little chuckle and hint, or wanting to make a blushable girl blush– what better than a handful of green?

people who know me, like my mom, love to give me sacks and sacks of the candies that melt in your mouth, not in your hands, and when im not busy fending for my life after wave after wave of advances from visiting cheerleaders and brain surgeons of all nationalities but one familiar gender, im separating my m&m’s so that i can have a naughty little bowl of green m&m’s available when that always cool supergirl investigates my living quarters for the first time.

tell me you wouldnt pick up a nice big sack of green covered chocolates for your friends.

thats tonights brilliant idea.

come back to us next time when we bring you another.

says you.

“what do you call it?”

i dont know what to call it, but people linking me like crazy and i shoulda told you 200.

“you sound disappointed.”

well, even though i love the love from the good folks, there are a few sites that i want to be linked to that i doubt will ever link me, but these will do for starters, thats for sure. some are really fabulous sites:

1. http://kevinholtsberry.com/blog.html

2. http://hawspipe.blogspot.com/

3. http://www.biznicality.com/

4. http://www.willwagner.com/links/priv.htm

5. http://minutiataur.diaryland.com/index.html

6. http://www.dawsonspeek.com/

7. http://www.lablogs.com/weblog.php

8. http://pantrogsblog.blogspot.com/

9. http://bitchen.blogspot.com/

10. http://theinvisiblehand.blogspot.com/

11. http://www.spleenville.com/blog/index.html

12. http://blogsofwar.blogspot.com/

13. http://adder.blogspot.com/

14. http://capitalinflux.blogspot.com/

15. http://www.souptree.net/blog/index.php

16. http://portablematthew.blogspot.com/

17. http://paintedland.com/kokoro/links.html

18. http://www.members.cox.net/triptychcryptic/blog.html

19. http://www.tbotcotw.com/

20. http://bobthecorgi.surreally.com/

21. http://katesullivan.blogspot.com/

beyonce said, “who’s sites do you wanna be linked on?”

well, nay, of course, and rabbit, cuz i read them all the time, but why not instapundit this blog is as good as any of the ones he links.

beyonce said, “which part of your blog are you talking about, the fake stories about anna or the fake stories about mariah?”

shut up.

“why dont you just worry about getting 100 links total before july 9, then see if the others link you.”

how about you leaving me alone. hasnt your mom made you a new outfit that you have to try on yet?

“oh, that hurts.”

make sure your belly shows.