im all, why the long face

and he tells me.

people tell me their problems all the time.

only a few times do they ask, whats a guy who can afford a benz doing driving for uber?

but this one dude the other day did.

and i said,

we can all afford a benz.

ours is the Kingdom of Heaven

but we run around all thinking that ours is the Butthole of Poop.

ours aint any such thing.

especially American ours.

we have clean air clean water habitable conditions and we arent fighting a war at home.

sure some of us get shot by cops or gangs or the occassional mass muderer but its not like jets are zooming around above us dropping loads on E Street

we have such a bigger advantage to people in other countries, regardless of who our president is

what color we are

or any of our every day minutia that can drive us crazy.

and i know at times it can feel like a disaster.

words can be said and they trigger you like theyre the meanest words ever

politicians can do things or say things or threaten things

facebook commentors, bad drivers, junk mail from your credit union constantly trying to sell you insurance.

neighbors, sprawl, the blind as bat umpires in the replay office in new york.

or churches who turn on their sprinklers at night, every night, ruining your sweet car wash.

but theres a reason the good book says and i paraphrase fuck the bullshit of this earth

yours is the kingdom of heaven.

some can say its a fake out written by the rich so the huddled masses dont rise up and burn it all down

but thats too easy.

the poor couldnt even read the bible most of the time, and most of That time it was written in Latin.

and secondly point me to the politician or king who ever said,

never mind the here and now

lets instead focus on Paradise.

not even one of the phony Christians in congress would

dare go there.

dude in my uber says, my girlfriend wants it all the time

and i just want to sleep when i get home.

and he starts crying.

and that is what every problem sounds like, probs

to the man upstairs

waiting for you

above.

sort of a perfect day

one ride after another, little ones, long ones,

profitable, not worth it

a cancel from an elusive good one.

two teenage you tube stars;

a vegas cocktail waitress heading home after a mid week soiree with a new love;

dude picking up his girlfriend for a romantico italiano dinner on their one year anniversary

another dude who had been hanging at a high price veggie and fruit store

said he goes there on friday nights and drinks coffee

because models shop there.

(which is true)

then two PR peeps who told me about the last time they were actually star struck.

one of the youtube stars had just recorded a song i said is it on apple she was all yes

blushing in the backseat, her bff laughing saying i know all the words

i held my phone and said PLAY SIERRA JUST THIS MOMENT

and it found it and

this girl sang soooo — like she was 30.

this girl was 17.

i said quit school.

she said i wanna learn production.

i said fall in love, and write a song a day like what andy warhol told lou reed

and when you break up write three a day.

in a good part of town. i had just washed my car. and i was thinking about putting on jazz.

as she approached she seemed younger than 30 so i switched over to todays sounds, sung by women, mostly.

she got in and we hit it off immediately. she was going to a graduation party for some of her fellow med students.

i had a soon-to-be surgeon in the back seat.

i asked her how come in movies theyre always cutting off peoples legs.

she said if you get an infection and it screws with the main blood flow or the big bone, then your leg dies anyways and there you are with a dead leg.

so you my as well cut the damn thing off.

the earlier the better.

she said back in the day, the kings would be fragile from other dumb things that they did in medicine back then and they’d break a leg and it would just die there. but no one had the guts to tell the king, dude, your leg is dead, it smells, and every time your butler pulls out the footstool, IT STINKS UP THE JOINT

one of the leading causes of old school leg deaths: too much sugar leading to diabetes.

i was sipping on a super big gulp of Classic Coke at the time.

rolled down the window and threw it right into the traffic.

im telling you, i learn something with every trip.