But cotton candy is totally 100% legal
people say weed shouldnt be legal bc OMG THE CHILDREN
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teen spirit is older than 10% of U.S. history
she said youre always charging your phone
i said we should have some codes
what?
for when we text each other, i said.
you mean like hey how are you doing?
i know how you’re doing.
then what?
i was thinking, if i text you “w” it means what are you wearing?
omg.
if i text you “m” it means wanna see a movie?
if i text you “f” it means
oh i think i know.
it means have you had any food?
ok got it, but why not just text those things?
well i was reading hillarys emails and if she and her aides just had little codes it would have made it harder to spy on her.
but
and it would save time.
what time are you trying to save?
what if im on a cliff hanging by a pinkie
and all i can do is type h to you, which is helppppppp
or z which is theyve poisoned me and im about to pass out, bring pop
how am i supposed to remember all of these?
p
two things will happen
either you’ll make some good contributions to the world and then you’ll die.
or you’ll make some whatever contributions to the world and then you’ll die.
we Gen Xers aren’t supposed to care about these things but we do secretly. very secretly.
weird thing is our generation hasnt become president yet. and it doesnt look like we will for a while.
theres gonna be hillary for eight years and then michelle obama for eight and then finally we’ll get in there with cory booker.
we’ll get in eventually.
until then heres what i plan on doing. i plan on giving money to pretty much any go fund me that appears on my facebook wall. why? why not. i dont go to church. i dont walk around DTLA much, how else am i supposed to give to charity?
a long time ago the Cubs were considered a charity. now they’re the presumptive world series champs.
so how else can we contribute to this planet?
for one i like to put little signs on peoples windows when they park ridiculously badly.
i also like to tell construction workers when theyre looking particularly fetching.
and of course i like to sit behind home plate and compliment the ump on his sharp eyes.
NO NEED FOR ROBOTS TODAY i like to shout a few times an inning.
yesterday i bought the NFL season pass from directv.
so i can get on twitter every sunday and encourage the Bears’ QB
to retire.
yr welcome.
girls night
when i got the mercedes i thought it was going to be this amazing driving machine.
sometimes it is.
sometimes everything is flowing and the cars glide by and you can see clearly
and even the radio is happening.
three young ladies got me on melrose
sometimes you barely touch the gas and it goes
sometimes you can feel the weight of everyone in there.
its weird.
they said they wanted to go somewhere wild.
i said damn i aint been to compton in days
i get just enough people each month that it pays for the car,
the insurance,
the gas
but it’s not so many people that it wears down the car. at all.
the girls didnt wanna go to compton, it turned out. they immediately told me. with added volume.
even after i listed several benefits theyd receive after utilizing the south central geo filter
on their selfies on snapchat.
even after i told them they smelled great.
even after i told them about the tacos.
sometimes the car can get super quiet.
it’s weird.
this morning i realized that in about a month i will be crying
i was in the shower. the cats were looking at me.
lynyrd skynyrd’s second helping was booming from my cute little black bluetooth speaker
and it dawned on me that the cubs have a very good chance of not only winning the world series
but doing it in a sweep.
currently they are 41 games over .500
to put that in perspective, over the last 71 years the cubs have only been 22 games over .500
SIX times.
like i said, today they are 41 games over .500 as they get ready to face the lowly brewers of milwaukee, which means they have a very good chance of being 42 games over .500 before we lay ourselves to sleep tonight
of the years the Cubs finished 22+ games over .500 (1969, 1977, 1984, 1989, 2008, 2015), i ended up crying in sorrow half of them
which made me think this year i will either cry in unbelievable joy
or bawl in absolute, terrifying pain.
i have had friends invite me to join them in vegas so we can watch the world series at a famous strip club so as to soften the blow if the unmentionable happens.
but i dont want to think that way. i want to go to Chicago and either celebrate or commiserate in Wrigleyville with my brethren and sistren
and then maybe walk home after the big game, 40 miles away.
so as to let it sink in.
not a bad labor day weekend
didn’t drive. why bother?
decided to actually enjoy the weekend for the first time in a long time.
watched the cubs steamroll past the giants.
watched a whole bunch of movies and tv shows.
ate and ate and ate.
got my steps in by playing pokemon go.
but i still didnt have as good of a weekend as soon to be birthday girl mary who went to burning man in a private jet
and then took this selfie with oscar winner anne hathaway.
apparently lots of movie stars and pop stars go there now because they can sorta be in disguise and sorta be freeeeee as a bird away from the prying eyes of the press
it’s fun sometimes to cool ones jets.
i even read some bukowski this weekend, which was tough because of the two tvs, computer, laptop, and phone.
maybe my next break i’ll totally unplug.
which will be quite the stretch.
the Cubs are now 40 games above .500
because it aint no thing
the day the stingray apologized
10 years ago today Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray. I was pretty new to my job running LAist, trying desperately to bring traffic to our then-fledgling blog, when I thought of an idea.
I had been recently schooled in the world of Search Engine Optimization but nothing was clicking. I was up all night every night working hard to phrase things or write things that would reach the top of Google News. Even though I failed, one thing I noticed was it was easier from 3am-5am to get nibbles from the search engine because all of our competition was asleep and not publishing.
So a few days after Irwin’s death, I, a huge fan of old Vettes, whipped up the silliest thing I could think of to experiment with SEO headline writing and super late night publishing.
Stingray Apologizes for Crocodile Hunter Irwin’s Death
It quickly became the biggest day (at that time) traffic-wise in LAist history. it crashed the blog several times that morning as waves and waves of people came (for some reason to read the apology from a stingray?),
and naturally the comments section let me have it.
Why did I feel ok about making fun of a tragic death of a super upbeat tv personality? In my mind, Steve Irwin, as lovable as he was, knew he was doing extremely dangerous things with wild animals for money, fame, and ratings. Sure some of it was educational, but it was totally unnecessary entertainment on par with Johnny Knoxville.
Was I sad he was dead? Of course. But he went out doing what he loved and I assumed he would have gotten a laugh out of my piece because he sure seemed to love to laugh.
So dark humor it was.
she was all, can i just tell you EVERYTHING
i was all, a picture says a thousand words.
so she sent me a picture.
cubs magic number is 13
sometimes you have to trade your sweet sweet starlin
sometimes you have to get rid of your extra fuel
sometimes you have to drive through the tough tough traffic of labor day friday
to make that money
because youre saving up that money
because your true love, da cubs, are gonna be in the damn world series in six weeks
and those old styles arent gonna just flow from the sky.
i had a fun day today. everyone was going to the airport.
i tried to drive far away from the airport so my fares would be high
but as soon as i turned on my thing, my thing rang and guess where they were going
at some point the traffic was so bad that we were literally going backwards
not on the freeway
but in time.
i could see myself get younger in the rear view.
my hair was growing back.
my voice got higher.
my six pack abs were all whaddup g
and i was like,
i gotta get outta this traffic.