i really wanted my post on medium to blow up yesterday

but things blowing up is a rare thing, next week i have this thing about coke that i bet you will do well in fact if i was smart id work on it all day today

but i am a dumb stupid foolish person.

anyways i saw something on twitter and noticed it was only 4 minutes old so i put it up on reddit and ba-zoom, nearly 1,000 upvotes and 5 people gave me things, one of them was Reddit Gold.

as you see, i rarely post things on reddit and the last two times i did it only got 20 and 29 upvotes.

reddit will quickly tell you if you’re out of touch.

and then boom Da Bearsssssss.

granted, it was sad and angry and i would not like to excel in those emotions, but it was nice to see when i least expected it.

when i wake up im interviewing one of howard stern’s long time interns

lets see how that goes

if i lived in chicago this would be me

i’d have season tickets. id wake up early for games. id take the train down dere.

id get wasted before the game at some tailgate.

id sit in my seat in the cold and the wind, and i’d be pissed most of the time.

in the summers i would see 40-50 Cubs games.

id have a house, a nice wife, probably a kid.

but id never see them between the work and the sports and the drinking.

i’d probably be dead by now.

it would have been a tasteful funeral.

it would have been from getting in a fight in the stands.

my tombstone would say

he had it coming.

two things will happen

eventuallyeither you’ll make some good contributions to the world and then you’ll die.

or you’ll make some whatever contributions to the world and then you’ll die.

we Gen Xers aren’t supposed to care about these things but we do secretly. very secretly.

weird thing is our generation hasnt become president yet. and it doesnt look like we will for a while.

theres gonna be hillary for eight years and then michelle obama for eight and then finally we’ll get in there with cory booker.

we’ll get in eventually.

until then heres what i plan on doing. i plan on giving money to pretty much any go fund me that appears on my facebook wall. why? why not. i dont go to church. i dont walk around DTLA much, how else am i supposed to give to charity?

a long time ago the Cubs were considered a charity. now they’re the presumptive world series champs.

so how else can we contribute to this planet?

for one i like to put little signs on peoples windows when they park ridiculously badly.

i also like to tell construction workers when theyre looking particularly fetching.

and of course i like to sit behind home plate and compliment the ump on his sharp eyes.

NO NEED FOR ROBOTS TODAY i like to shout a few times an inning.

yesterday i bought the NFL season pass from directv.

so i can get on twitter every sunday and encourage the Bears’ QB

to retire.

yr welcome.

do i blame rex? hell yes.

Super Bowl XLIbut if i do that then i also have to credit rex for getting us to the super bowl, and im not so crazy about doing that either.

do i blame lovie and the offensive coordinator for not establishing the run before going to the air… in the rain… with basically a rookie quarterback?

hell yes.

fuck whoevers decision it was to pass on 1st and 2nd downs and run on 3rd and long.

if it was Opposite Day, kfc would have paid me to get a bucket of chicken to drown my sorrows.

da bears tried to pretend like they had peyton manning at qb. everything was a pass. and when the bears did run, they found some success. still they never went back to it, in a serious manner.

so yes, rex looked nervous back there, but whoever was calling the plays for the bears were nervous too. they did not trust the offensive line, they did not trust what got them to the super bowl, they did not trust their backs, and once it was only t jones in the backfield they stopped trusting him too.

8 rushes in the first half and 7 in the second half?


for most of the game the bears were in it, but then they literally threw it away. according to the post game report on comcast sportsnet chicago, 70% of the fans in the stands were there for the bears, and ironically the florida weather sucked the energy out of the wet and miserable fans.

prince was amazing though.

however whoever was in charge of the audio for the show should not just be fired, but hung, because that performance was so good it could have been a cd.

why does everyone freak out on super bowl sunday? you know prince is gonna be there. you know the songs hes gonna sing. mic the fucking band and equalize that shit and shit.

when i got home i got an email from one of ashleys sisters telling me that ashley had gotten engaged, so yeah, perfect day.

two things happen in life

fucked up shit,
and really nice shit.

the last time the Bears made it into the playoffs was 85, the Super Bowl Shuffle. the Fridge, Sweetness, McMahon, Ditka, Willie Gault, Singletary, Fencik. Hampton: how do I know all these names off the top of my head?

Because it’s some of the nicest moments that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing.

Easily my favorite football team.

But I have to tell you, during it all I disbelieved everything. Even while watching the massacre during the Super Bowl I was waiting and anticipating the tragic downfall that never came.

Growing up a Bears fan you dont expect too much nice shit.

What’s going on with the Bears right now is so nice, I tape it. Nobody I know tapes sports, something about it gets lost when you tape live events, but as the Bears waltz their way into post-season with two knuckleheaded quarterbacks I am documenting it like one would when trying to prove the existence of ghosts.

This whole season has been one happy apparition and I can’t even name ten percent of the team. My mom calls and she says, “I’m getting on the A Train.” Clippergirl calls and she says, “All the Packers have to do is lose and the Bears have clinched it.” Welcome to the bandwagon, ladies. There’s plenty of room.

Of course I ignore the inevitable doom the Bears will be forced endure when they face off against teams like St. Louis or Oakland or Pittsburgh, but that will be so far in the future that it wont matter, and who knows, maybe lady luck will continue to dance with the monsters of the midway and we can just laugh like dot com millionaires through January. Fuck, Nebraska knows that nice shit sometimes appears when you least deserve it and so does our President, so let’s just roll with it while we have it.

There’s a teen girl in Las Vegas sniffling from the onset of an allergy attack due to kicking up dust in my Hollywood Hills cabana all weekend. I cannot remember a time when I would have discounted or poo-pooed the good fortune of having such a peppy, positive, happy, sexy, giving young girl adore me the way that Ashley has, and yet, just like this Bears run for the Super Bowl, I look at the evidence presented before me and I scoff. Actual scoffing!

All my adult life I have said that the reason that there aren’t more Christians is becuase people have a hard time accepting Good in their lives. How could someone be able to imagine Heaven, or the Son of God coming down here to pay for our sins if we can’t even show a nice blowjob in a movie or on tv? I used to say that all the time to prove the point that humans have a need to want, and a discomfort of receiving. You want Vanilla Sky to be the Erotic Thriller that Rolling Stone claims it to be: have Penelope give Tom Cruise head for 4 minutes. Fucking film is well past 2 hours long, let her do stuff to his knob in such a way that we know that he’s alive in there. Or something. I dont know what I’m saying half the time. but I know what i’m meaning.

Whatever, all I ask all of you to do these next few weeks is appreciate some of the good shit that has come your way. Lord knows it might not be around forever. And when it’s gone, you damn sure will miss it. I know I will.