but heres the thing. im drunk. so drujnk that no on3 woukld believe me as being legit
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when i say i heart this mom / sorta wife / killr blogger, etc

BUT I DO!

heres her blog tel me you dont love her toooooooo

i have a french gay dude as my assistant who yells at everyone as to what to do

i also have a drunk semi super model who wears cowboy hats and fuzzy bikinis

she shoots cap guns too closely to people.

her role is to startle people right before i snap the camera

theres the guy with the smoke machine, and the dog who barks, and the lighting lady

and the makeup man and the fat guy with the megaphone yelling step right up

for no reason, to no one in particular

but in one way i want the models to feel totally alienated and at the same time mildly disturbed

it keeps them from acting like models.

i was gonna hire someone to knock on the front door a lot, but i had to pay the man to fix my car.

on wednesday in pasadena

$22 a ticket

shouldnt that price disgust me?

strangely, when i see that dude with his feet up getting a glass of wine delivered to him, it doesnt seem so horrible.

the day after thanksgiving, for some reason, is the day everyone goes ape-ish and runs out to the stores in the early morning and spends all their loot on crap they really didnt want (or else theyd have by now). and then they brawl.

some stores were open at 4am and earlier.

we were gonna think about waking up early cuz some places had bigass tvs for as low as $450 – AMERICAN.

didnt wake till 930am, then didnt get outta the bed till noon.

she went her way i went mine and you know the only people who complain that i dont have a tv in my living room are the girls who actually love the bedroom, they just like to front.

went to get my oil changed. passed by a place that said they accept competitors coupons, turned out they didnt. so of course i called them all liars. to their face.

this didnt end well. and i was surrounded by guys a head shorter than me, but they all had wrenches in their hands and evil scowls. of course i had a pocketful of insults for them including ones based on reading skills (as they had signs everywhere talking about price matching, etc.)

but we decided to part ways amicably.

went to Midas. they said sure we will accept this coupon for an oil change and a tire rotation. half hour later they were all whoah woah WOAH. and now i have an estimate for $1,200 to fix the oil leaks, the broken axel, and the desparate need for an oil change.

looks like there will be no tv in the living room this christmas, which is just fine with moi.

Chris Carnaghi: Why I am continoulsly attracted to emotionally unavailable women? Seems to be a pattern. Also the last 3 grew up with no father figure, meaning they are attracted to men who are also emotionally unavailable. So maybe I like to be a father figure superman savior? Maybe I should only bang bipolar chicks and forget about cultivating a healthy relationship in Los Angeles. Dr. Tony I mean Reverend Tony. Chris needs help. Always living and loving. Maybe I already answered my own question. You seem to have had some pretty solid freindships, gal pals, and sig o’s over the years. Unless you want to lend out Clipper girl I am doomed.

emotionally unavailable women are safe. they usually dress pretty cool too. theyre square pegs. dont try to jam em in your round holes. let them be square. let them be emotionally unavailable. emotions and romance are usually a dangerous combo anyways. leave emotions for sports. and creating art. maybe ive had good long friendships because for the most part everyone allows each other to be weirdos.

Ali M.: Did you know that this exists? I thought it was just a very uninspired dream I had one night.

once again ali youre educating us all in the delicious ways of the extreme. not only do i want a bag of those things, i want to make bean bag chairs out of them.

g/d: please finish sentence: consuming a high concentration of both poutine & Molson Ex makes for a very sorry _______?

chambermaid

zona: name one place I HAVE to go in NYC

theres this italian restaurant right by the brooklyn bridge in manhattan.

totally an old school italian family place like how youd expect.

ah yes, Carmine’s.

i also like washington square park because my mom used to take me there when i was a little baby and now its where people buy weed from jamacians. i find that hilarious.

Andrea: If you were forced to pick a different first name for yourself, what would it be?

Michaelangelo

meredith r. mistletoe: should I have just one cute lil baby when I grow up or should I have several cute lil babies? this is very important because if I only have the one then it’ll be a big deal what I name it since I won’t get another chance to pick an awesome name.

im not so much in favor of knocking out any more babies. i think all the babies that are here are nice and fine. i like them all. i would like us to start taking care of the babies who dont have mr and mrs mistletoes. i think we should adopt them. and love them, and then name them after members of ac/dc.

First time, long time: What approach would you take to tell the girl who you like, and has been on your mind quite a bit lately, how you feel about her, knowing that, unfortunately, chances are good that she won’t feel the same way back? I’m optimistic, but also realistic. Though I feel like getting it off my chest will be for the best. Oh, and AL/NL MVP picks?

the art of the creepy mixtape is going the way of the dingo. im a big fan of the sweet ass mix cd because if you do get lucky and she isnt repulsed by you then at least you’ll have some sweet jams to bust if she invites you over to her lair. the problem is, the cd usually doesnt do all the magic, you usually have to follow it up with a hand on a knee, some eye contact and a cowboy shirt being ripped off.

raymi: hey guy what’s up?

hey raymi! today is american thanksgiving. so im at my true loves house getting in her way as she makes dinner for me and some of the homeless on her block. shes got some turkey breast, greens, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, crab cakes and god knows what else. i brought over the beer, the pie, and this crazy bouquet of flowers. its super hot here in LA so i have my pants off but the homeless dont care.

monkey: what do you do when someone you care about tells you (seriously) they think they are an alien?

i like people who are open minded enough to think that they (seriously) might be aliens. plus when you think of the wild stuff that we just pass because its too bizarre to deal with fighting, wouldnt it be nice if someone tappped you on the shoulder and said monkey youre not really from this place, youre from a planet where things are far more reasonable, where there arent more jails than schools, where people dont use their planet as a toilet, and where theres not even a chance for the designated hitter rule to work its way into the Major leagues. minors maybe. a planet where you can get decent tickets to a rock show for less than half your rent. i think yr friend is nice. slap em on the ass for me and tell them thats from an orphan from Planet Zip.

adriel: i’m kind of thinking the same as the first question, just switch the sexes. also…do you snowboard??

when i was a lad i skied. a lot. in illinois even. sometimes we’d go to wisconsin or michigan. some of the places were man made. some were female made. some were cliffs, not mountains. when i moved to california, strangely i stopped skiiing even though its super close and way better. and snowboarding just seemed better in the video game.

Joe: How do I go about getting a full-time manservant? I am thinking about someone who holds my umbrella, opens doors, chauffers me around, mixes mojitos, and maybe maintains my bat cave. Ideas?

home depot has everything. just dont forget to tip well.

kristen: why do boys cheat?

boys cheat cuz theyre boys and theyre wild. they probably should be more wild than they are but fatty foods tv and video games have mellowed them out. men dont cheat. men are tempted but know where their bread is buttered. its that inbetween man and boy time when it seems like women have their most difficult time. theres nothing that a woman can do if a boy who looks like a man acts like a boy. only thing you can do is not take it personally. men of today are the result of a darwinian relay race where one aggressive dude passes the torch to another. sometimes the side effects are not the prettiest or most gentlemanly but when they are off-putting its because of our animal nature, which we can try to ignore but its right there. we are animals.

i have lots to be thankful for. good friends, good health, good gig, and warm weather.

but best of all, this blog.

i dont know why this burl ives song reminds me of thanksgiving, but it does.

lord lord lord

id have kanpai cater it.

drove across town, right next to LAX on the day before turkey day

which took longer than it should, because of the promise to eat this delicacy with a beautiful girl.

lucky us the place was empty at 3pm. they used to be closed at that time but i guess they figured what the hell. the good news for us, most people thought theyd be closed.

the food, im telling you, melts in your mouth.

everything is created in such a way that it wants to jump in your belly.

and the beer was in a frosty mug, and the saki was in a steaming little cup of buzz.

the truest loved it, obvs, then bailed to prepare for demain.

so i went shopping at the new fox hills mall.

then i went shopping at borders books. then i got a call from karisa, she wanted to drink and maybe get a bite.

she called over another friend and all three of us had really good mexican.

then karisa said hey lets get some bottles of wine and bring em back to the crib

so i went to the market, took a picture of this breaking news

and i saw that at this “package store”, as miss western mass said, that they had Cain V

but sorry i dont lay out $150 for a bottle of wine,

so i asked the dude, not expecting a good answer,

hey do you have Cain Cuvee by any chance?

and bros eyes got big and he brought out a feather duster

and right under the Cain V was three bottles of Cain Cuvee

and he dusted them off and handed me a bottle

which i accepted, and tomorrow im driving back there to get the other two

“great life, crappy blog. boring life, great blog”

i guess my crappy life has gotten so much more lively because there is so much i havent shared with you. including the answers to ask tony, which i am dreadfully tardy in delivering, but first lemme tell you this, especially my canadian friends

firstly i heart you all. especially those of you who do not have the joy of celebrating an American Thanksgiving with us tomorrow.

one of the coolest things about this season in the US is we get half days on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. that would mean that today. that would me that i get off in just a few hours.

and since here in Los Angeles it’s going to crack 80 degress, that would mean that today i will take my truest to a sushi lunch and then maybe go to the beach and take off my shirt because as tom waits sings i look good without a shirt.

not Putin good, but im getting there.

so what am i thankful for this year? you and you and you and you and this and you and you.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

i bought two cds last night

i got Rihanna’s new one cuz she my girl. and i got Adam Lambert’s because he my american idol.

both are stinky records.

i think theres something wrong with me in that i hate records when i first listen to them.

the Glambert one is really horrible. all the edge he had on Idol is glossed over. its super lame. part of me wishes that he had held on to some mystery in the days after he lost Idol. i say that because everything is just poppy and glammy without any true rock toughness.

he was the bad boy when he was surrounded by all those wannabes, but now that he’s doing his new thing theres nothing bad about him other than these horrible songs.

meanwhile Rihanna has a good reason to be dark and crazed and wild and in a way, free, this would be a good time to do that.

instead she whines about how her ex Chris Brown blew it, how she still loves him, and then she puts out the dares to the “rude boys”, asking them if they’re “big enough” for her.

is she insane?

the song is good though, but it would be better from somewhere else, or on a B-sides record. so much of her material on this new things would fall in the “too soon” category.

however the lesbian-centered “Te Amo” is perfect here. Dont ask why.