so writing a novel on LAist is pretty close to the next best worst thing.

usually i start after im done doing things for LAist, which is around 2am. then i will procrastinate for an hour. then i’ll get to it.

every demon is in my head in regards to this novel. so lets identify their whines: youve written all this before, its not a novel, its not creative, its boring, you sound bored, the people who read LAist are going to butcher it, you will lose whatever cred you have if you keep this up, you will lose whatever cred you have if you stop, youre running out of things for those characters to do, this is not how you write a novel, if its good no one will believe you write it in 30 days, if its good you’ll have to do it again, dont worry it wont be good, dont worry people will start making fun in the comments over there, dont worry you will never be able to keep it up, dont worry someone will find out that whenever the going gets tough you end up ripping off ronald sukenick cuz no one knows who he is.

i took a nap today at 8pm cuz i hadnt gotten much sleep last night. im sorta addicted to my Tiger Woods 2006 for the PSP.

did i tell you that this production company gave me a PSP so i would write about their tv shows. a few commercials of the shows were on the PSP. but what happened is ive become super addicted to the PSP now. it was brilliant. and ive gotta say, this game is pretty great.

what happens is they beat the shit out of you for the first 50 games. then you start learning and then they get even better. but then you figure out how to make money so you can get better equipment. yes of course its a poor video game player who blames his tools, but hows a brotha supposed to hit the ball 300 yards with the driver they give you at the beginning of the game?

im thinking about starting an LAist Movie Club, where once a week we’ll say, “Borat, Arclight, 7:30pm Friday”. cuz the thing is people do like movies and not everyone has cheerleaders to take to the movies on a friday night. and now that ive expunged the cheerleaders from my life. forever. suddenly i want to go to the movies on a friday night and not have to go back in time and start calling clipper girl just cuz i dont wanna see borat by myself.

the other thing ive noticed from the emails ive been getting lately is theres a lot of single women out there who would go to a group thing alone, but otherwise would rather just rent a movie and watch it at home than go to the theater alone.

those girls need to be drinking with me at the arclight bar after the movie.

i think this is the reason britney sticks with kfed. what else is she gonna do?

on thursday i happened to be in a super sweet neighborhood and i called karisa to let her know how aweomse it was but karisa was over there too for some secret reason and after we were done we met up and i said hey heres a book that you might like and she was all omg. sad thing is, she emailed me to tell me that so far its slightly disappointing.

white oleander is a tough one to follow up on.

its 3am which means that its time for me to write chapter four of this dumb thing.

thank you for helping me drown the demons.

he and i met up in nyc on a gorgeous day
and i thank him to putting this together

i have many contributers at LAist. i like all of them. however at least once a week i get an email saying “my posting this week will be slow because…”

the other day i got an email from an excellent writer saying “my posing this Month will be slow because i am going to try this National Novel Writing Month thing.”

i guess i cant complain because they contribute for free, and im certain that most of them are actually nice, normal, chemically balanced human beings who probably even go to church and hang out with their friends and actally have a life.

in sports they say that the best players dont make the best coaches because ultimately the former player will just throw the ball down and say “when i was a player i scored 25 points a game even with the damn flu even with broken ribs even with four fouls going into half time. WHY CANT YOU!” clearly not a chemically balanced human being with a life. cuz even the guy who averages only 10 points a game makes a couple million a year and bangs cheerleaders.

so when people say oh i cant write three posts this week because x, y, z, i think you know i drove around the country, i was in canada with no internet connection, half of my job has nothing to do with writing, and still i have been able to post 5-7 times a day every day, And i keep the busblog rolling. but that sort of activity isnt normal. its abnormal and it probably shouldnt be rewarded.

but because im a loon with no life, now i can say i posted 5-7 times a day, updated the busblog every day, and wrote a damn novel.

chapter one of my masterpiece was done last night after going to a book reading, cooking chicken, fingering an exchange student, and watching Lost. it wasnt easy, but it wasnt impossible. everything is possible, you just have to be clear with yourself what youre committed to. you just have to say, fuck excuses i WANT to do this. and to me writing has always been a time thin. simply time. the reason i did 15 minutes with tony last year was because i read so many blogs from bloggers i loved who were all “omg im so busy sorry i havent posted, so heres a rundown of what happened the last month…” and i was thinking, im positive this person had 20 minutes every day to blog. but maybe i like that person because theyre not retarded like i am.

so even through ive failed three years in a row, this time i did things scientifically, i wrote and looked at the clock when i was done. how much time does it take to write 1,666 words a day? a few hours. how much time does it take to write a three paragraph post on LAist? about 45 minutes. usually less.

now dont get me wrong, writing also takes the strength to fight the demons in your head that keep telling you that what youre typing blows. that is something that i faught with pretty much every stroke of the first chapter of the novel that i dont usually have to deal with here on the lovable busblog and never on LAist.

so wish me luck that i’ll be able to do this for 29 more nights.

and to up the ante, i will be posting each chapter on LAist where the commentors arent as sweet and supportive as they are here on my home turf. chapter one.

ps we are giving away 12 cds to random entrants of this contest: the Give us a Question contest

pps may i say congrats once more to Pitt and Outlaw

ppps congrats grampa zona boy

ive got chicken breasts in the fridge waiting to get george formaned but the mcrib is back.

i just had shrimp at lunch at a secret movie studio but i went to two mcdonalds on the way home.

i love mcribs so much that sometimes i buy the frozen 99 cent dinners that are basically mcribs but theyre not

and now that ive had my first mcrib of the mcrib season i can tell you right now theres nothing that can compare to a real mcrib

done correctly

with you.

last night i watched the lakers with a girl who had no idea what the rules of basketball were, who anyone was, or the meaning of the term “its ok to smoke in my house”.

i know i dont smoke, i know i dont have any ashtrays, i know my nose gets irritated when smoke shows up, but if i say you can smoke in my house you can smoke in my damn house – so smoke!

and if i say your breath smells fine dont get all paranoid and brush your teeth ten million times.

i am an old man. i enjoy the smell of all smokes. cigar tobacco pipes bongs even cloves. light up fucker.

same goes with french kisses with a girl from france whose not wearing pants.

life is not so complicated and even though they came back to win i said baby you dont need to know anyone on that team nohow.

lemme tell you.

i started this month in new york, i traveled through dc, virginia, tennesee, mississip and then new orleans. then i rolled through texas and oklahoma, new mexico, the grand canyon, zona, and then back home.

i saw part of one of the greatest comebacks in all the nfl, i saw the pogues, i saw my 100th birthday come and go, and i saw two good friends of mine tell me to fuck off.

my house is cleaner and more organized than ever before. my car is fine, my job is fine, my health is good, and it looks like i’ll actually have a full month here in LA to get LAist back into its record-breaking pace.

libras really dont like drama which is why when friends tell us to fuck off we write them off and never wish to talk with them again. particularily when we’ve been nothing but good to them. plus hot chicks grow on trees.

i learned a lot this month, way more than i learned all year i think. one thing i learned is if you have no steady girlfriend, no kids, and no school, you better make sure that your shit is smoking hot at work. i also learned that reading a chapter of the bible every sunday might not get you too deep into the good book, but it’ll do the trick.

i also learned that the bears are a team of destiny and i better get my super bowl tickets lined up pretty soon-like. speaking of which, do i have any readers in miami?

i also learned that despite the fact that ive told people numerous times many still dont know thatthe comments section was created by Al Gore so you can kiss my ass, ask a polite question, or provide information about young ladies who wish to parade around my house topless in ridiculously high heels. if your feelings get hurt in those comments its because you didnt say “omg tony youre the greatest.”

no commentor has ever had their feelings hurt telling me im the greatest.

i also learned that when i talk about people’s daughter’s 12 year old cooch’s, people take it very seriously. as if i actually had more control over their pre-teen wombs more than they do.

the last thing that i learned this month was at Best Buy tonight. i learned that you can buy Gift Cards at the register, you can use Gift Cards at the register, but if you dare ask the person at the register how much money is left on your Gift Card they will point you to the long Customer Service line because for some reason you cannot check Gift Card balances at the register.

when you make it very easy to take people’s money, but make it very hard for those people to access their credit you are on an expressway to corruption.

a second busblog nba fantasy league has been created
live draft monday, noon pacific
League ID# 167750
Password: blogger

the plan is to head up to isla vista tomorrow afternoon but first totally go shopping at the oxnard outlets. omg.

today im going to see the dixie chicks movie because nbc is daring me too. pretty brilliant if you ask me.

south park was pretty brilliant the other day. people are uptight about it because they make fun of steve irwin the crocodile wrestler even though in this episode we see a white kid calling a black man “nigger”, the archdioses of LA equipped with small boys on leashes trying to crash Satan’s Halloween, adolph hitler dressed as the Can You Hear Me Now guy, and john wayne gacy jeffery dahmer and ted bundy in a three stooges mini sub plot.

while totally spoofing my super sweet 16.

and honda.

ive said it before ill say it again, the kids today have everything. they have no reason to ever complain about shit. when i was their age we sure as hell didnt have cartoons with priests with small boys on leashes.

meanwhile nbc wont air a commercial? i cant wait to be president.

i also cant wait until barack obama is president. think nbc will protect him from commercials that attack things that he does or says?

tomorrow is my man pitt‘s wedding and im sad that i cant be there with him and the other canadians but i will get drunk and piss in the street in his honor, and that of his lovely bride to be, the outlaw

have fun kids!

i believe that white thing is a giant sperm ball or something