but we were trained during the 4:3 aspect ratio
damn you, 16:9!
the xbi taught us to stay just outside the frame
1
heres all i want in the second half of my life
for this entire dirty lying greed fucking administration to go down because of their
dirty lying greedy fucking lies about the Russians.
dear tony, has it really been a week since youve blogged?
this is easily the longest time i’ve gone without writing in this beautiful magical blog.
sorry, i was busy.
Andrew asks, How do you keep your forehead so wrinkle free?
I rub white girls on it.
Tim French wonders, What’s your favorite sandwich topping, and why?
Miracle Whip because it makes my 99 cent store cold cuts go down smooth and also because brown spicy mustard is rarely brown enough nor spicy enough.
Asher asks, Are you now the only person allowed to tweet behind the scenes at the Academy Awards?
My role the other night was to shoot the Snapchat story. It was pretty good mainly because I wasn’t distracted doing other things like Tweeting. In fact I don’t even think I tweeted on my personal account that day/night.
Jennie Roth queries, You have four hours to kill in downtown Toronto before the MG show next Saturday. What do you do?
I love this question. I have a pint with Pitt and Viv, then we go ice skating in that outdoor skate rink I think it’s Nathan Phillips Square or Jack Layton Circle. Then of course some poutine on Queens and then puke it out somewhere on the way to the gig.
Cheryl Devall asks, Who are you wearing in that photo?
Friar Tux!
Rob Shisler asks, Mr. Tony, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?
I’ve never been popular. Even when this blog was getting 40 comments a day every day I was barely in the Technorati Top 200. This was back when there were only 200 blogs. But what I do have are an amazing group of friends and virtual friends who love real conversations about actual topics and not baloney. How did I attract them? All blessings come from Above.
Kate McLaughlin wonders, What advice would you give to your 18-year-old self?
Take more pictures.
Smelly Danielley asks, What kind of moisturizer do you use?
Hempz! (My mom got it for me)
Patrick Pitt asks, How do you want to be remembered?
As an honorable reflection of my mom, Isla Vista, and Generation X.
Bill Downing queries, Have you picked a running mate in 2020?
Oprah!
Mike Lazzaro wonders Bourbon/Whisky/Scotch?
Maker’s Mark / Redbreast / Gross
John Smith asks, do you ever work with celebrities now that you work at the academy?. . . and if so, who are the coolest ones to work with?
Other than hey can I take your picture? I can’t say I really work with the moviemakers. That may change soon. But so far I’ve noticed that everyone has been super cool and very easy to work with. For some reason everyone is nice to us at the Academy.
Adam Mefford wonders, Which celebrity are you most often confused for?
J. Lo
Dave LaDelfa asks, Do you have any advice for young people trying to break into the industry?
Read as many biographies and autobiographies of people in the industry as you can. It’s shocking to me how many young people make the same mistakes of the generations that came before them.
Dave Coelho queries, How many games will the Cubs win this year?
113 in the regular season, 7 in the playoffs, 4 in the world series, so 124?
Mat Gleason asks, Bryant, Schwarber and one pitcher of my choice for Trout straight up, you make that trade?
Schwarb is probably better placed in the AL, and the Halos will for surely lose Trout, so I would part ways with my favorite Cub for the MVP of the AL, but I would not give up the NL MVP. We have a lot of depth in the IF, I’d toss in Addison Russell, Jake Arrieta and one more pitcher.
Alyson Shane asks, What has been your favourite career-related experience so far?
It’s pretty tough topping interviewing Hugh Hefner inside the Playboy mansion
Emilio Reyes Le Blanc wonders, Was the Oscar statue crafted from your physique?
It’s an artist’s rendition of what I will look like in 4-5 years if i gave up fast food.
DVL asks, Who invented liquid soap and why?
Charles Manson invented it. He hates bars.
Delores Dyer wonders, How do you heal a broken heart?
Like most things, you gotta kiss your way through the pain.
Kevin Davis says, Ok So youre on a boat. And you get married. Now that boat crosses the international dateline, so technically, its the day before. Are you still married?
My fear of commitment is the exact reason why I avoid boats.
Dave Olson asks Have you won a Tony Award?
No but lovely Shawna from Vegas went this year and took this picture for me.
Mary Schneider wonders, How much residual white powder is left in the bathroom at the Kodak theater?
People do those things when they want to get up. Don’t you think you’re already as up as you can be when you are at the Oscars?
Bob Downing asks, Can you please list your 2017 NL Central picks, and playoff/World Series picks?
- Cubs 2. Ditka 3. Brew Crew
- Then the Cubs beat the Dodgers in the playoffs then the Cubs beat the Mets in the other playoffs.
- Then the Cubs beat the Red Sox in the World Series
Michael Katz asks, Is Joe Flacco a elite quarterback
Hell no.
Todd Cox wonders, why are fire engines red?
Because they don’t apply enough lotion before they go outside
Craig Wong inquires, Who’s more macho? Fernando Lamas or Ricardo Montalban? Who’s more macho? Lord lamas or montalban?
Mr. Fantasy Island is super macho especially in the episodes where he gets pissed off.
Nancy Rommelmann asks, What’s the old-school place to eat in Chicago, but not crusty?
The Billy Goat underneath the Tribune
Randy Holloway wonders, Why do you hate the best franchise in baseball?
The World Champion Chicago Cubs are my all time faves. Maybe you’ve seen my hat(s)
Guy Gottlieb sorta asked, Why didn’t you wear your hat to the Oscars?
I didn’t want to draw any attention from our invited guests.
Phil Shelly wonders, Why can’t you use a white, red, or black car while being an extra on Chicago Fire?
Because those are the ones they blow up
Tony Klecha asks, Stones or Beatles?
I like actual music, so Stones
Keith Johnson asks, The Thin Man or Boston Blackie
I fucking loooove The Thin Man!
Michelle H. Gurdal asks, What is your purpose?
I hope it’s to make amazing Bible movies, cuz that’s what I plan to do soon.
do i love you? yes.
did i realize i had almost gone two days without blogging? no.
am i still working my tush off getting ready for tomorrows Oscars? yes.
did i just see Emma Stone and she looked back at me and our eyes met?
YES!
did she look 1000x prettier than the last time our eyes met?
yes.
did i strangely watch Superbad last night to prepare for movie’s biggest night?
oui.
do i gotta go now, Louie Louie?
si.
when i was in high school, i took an art class every quarter
you will never regret knowing how to draw
because really it’s about knowing how to see
pretty girl came over with a screener of Loving
it’s surprising how quickly i can clean up my house when the price is right
she said she had some lobsters. i said i have some mashed potatoes, broccoli and carrots.
i didnt tell her that the potatoes were pre mashed and the veggies you can nuke in the bag.
when she came over she saw a huge Groupon box that was just delivered.
whats that she asked?
not sure, i said, nervous that it might be some inappropriateness that i’d bought for another.
she said arent you gonna open it?
i said, it wouldnt be a surprise if i open it.
the food got made fast, we sat on my couch. the cats behaved.
finally she said, are you seriously not going to open the box?
the movie was boring.
so i said, fine. but you have to know, sometimes i order things as gifts for people
and they’re completely jokes.
uh huh, she said and retrieved a pair of scissors from my wall.
i hang scissors on my wall, ok?
opened the box and it was this Egg Cooker where you can hard boil up to 7 eggs at one time.
i was relieved.
she said, im stuffed but maybe we should see if this works.
it worked.
we sprinkled some salt on the eggs, ate them, and i said, i fucking love eggs
she said me too and took off her sweater.
me and aj met in santa monica to see moonlight
this is the Oscar home stretch so i have to see all the rest of the Best Picture films before Sunday
so when AJ was all, lets go, tonight! i was all f yes!
i have this Uber subscription that gives me 20 rides all around LA for $4. even though i knew i wasnt gonna get drunk and even though it was President’s Day, who doesn’t like getting a ride for $4 across town?
we met at The Landmark on Pico which has very fancy theaters.
i was starving but i got there early so i walked through my new favorite store, Nordstrom, and on to the Food Court.
it was empty in the Westside Pavillion. Super empty. Sad empty. People were cleaning things that were already clean.
Ordered some food at the Panda Express. They never have panda. Weird.
Walked back and AJ arrived. We got a Mexicoke and a popcorn and the film began.
Soooo many black people in the film. When was the last time you saw something like that? And a story told very slowly. Also good. But in the end I was all, what happened? Did anything really happen? And what was i supposed to learn from it? Stay in school, don’t do drugs?
I couldn’t understand why this is getting so much Oscar buzz. Same with La La Land. But that’s me, Mr. Critical. Mr. Meh. Ashley so many years ago was right, I cannot be pleased.
But what was pleasing was AJ and I walked around West LA. Just walking and talking. Catching up. We tried to eat at Islands but they were closing and didn’t like the looks of us. I tried to eat at Jack in the Box but AJ was all, come on Tone. So we settled for a donut or two at this Donut store.
We walked more, talked more on the quiet streets. It was very nice. Very. Sometimes friends youve known for a long time are better than Oscar nominated films.
Sometimes always.
got this rich guy in DTLA
he needed to get to a body shop on La Cienega
it was an Uber Select ride, so i was stoked
when i put the address into Waze it told me to take the 101
but i thought, and i told him, shouldn’t we be taking the 10?
he said, if Waze says the 101 lets do it.
i thought maybe because of the rain and the sink holes and craziness maybe Waze knew something i didnt know.
are you ok, i asked, when he told me about the body shop?
he said, “funny story, my brother is in from out of town and he was gonna rent a car for a few days, i said take my Porsche, it’s a classic but i never use it.
“so he takes it and as he is about two blocks home he looks over and sees this stunning woman walking down the street and rear ends the car in front of him.”
i said, i did the same thing when i first moved here from Chicago. the women here are something to get accustomed to. he was all, no kidding.
we get to where Waze tells us and the guy goes, no, this isn’t it. im like, it’s not? he goes, no its closer to Olympic (we were about 5 miles from Olympic.) i say, my man, I’ll take you wherever you want.
so we keep going and we’re looking at the sky and its beautiful and he says, when i moved here 20 years ago the air was so terrible. regulations really can make a difference: smog checks, emission standards, fancy gas.
i said you really dont hear smog jokes about LA any more.
he was all, no you do not.
and then we were there.
$40 on the nose.
my mom loves Larry Wilmore
but she doesn’t like swearing, so im not sure how she will feel about this.
people were giving Bill Maher a lot of crap for having Milo on
but if theres one great thing about Maher it’s he invites people from all walks
Ann Coulter gets on there about once a year, so why not this terrible guy.
actually everyone was great on this panel, the CIA guy, even the other republican guy.
the worst Maher shows are when it’s all Dems and they all agree all night.
clearly Fridays wasn’t like that at all
here’s how the show started.
dear tony what do i do
Tony,
First time caller, long time reader.
Last month I finally had sex with this beautiful woman after a long break. It was surprisingly wonderful.
Every week since then we’ve flirted online, through text, and even by phone. Each weekend I thought we had plans to reunite but she would find an excuse to cancel. I thought she was sincere until today when she told me she was going to get “some ass from Tinder. LOLs”.
What happened? What should I do?
Fullerton
dear fullerton,
block her number and never talk to her again.
it doesn’t sound like she felt the same way about your encounter as you do. she probably was hugely disappointed. you probably did everything wrong. but dont feel bad. women are complicated creatures. some want you to pull their hair and call them derogatory names, some want you to pamper them and touch them as softly as a butterfly.
even if they tell you what they want you can’t trust it. because women are also human. (like you and me). how many times have you wanted a gigantic pizza but when it arrives you eat one little tiny piece and just go to sleep.
it happens to them too. but with schweens.
you probably didn’t ring her little bell.
and if you did it reminded her of someone else. not your fault (probs).
it’s over. forget about her. be happy you even had contact with her even once. there are some schmucks who won’t get any alllll year. maybe not next year either. life is an acid trip. stay hydrated. avoid mirrors. (and cops)
if she calls you hang up.
you might be a total loser, but you’re not someones bitch.
learn a skill,
tony