she keeps telling me she loves me

does she think shes dying? does she love me? did her luck dry up that much?

who could love me? ive literally got nothing right now.

except this fuel.

i seriously cannot sleep im so full of life.

the other day, poor greg, it was his birthday, feb 8, and i was soooo tired from so much lack of sleep, that i had to leave his party “early” at like 1030p. but by midnight i was out. gone.

i had hoped i would stick to that sort of schedule but here i am again at four.

sucks because the cats wake me up sometimes at 9am – omg theyve been so bad lately. eating things they jumped up to get. pooping on the couch. they want me to play with them more but i have no time to always be looking for them to see what theyre up to

also if one of them is pooping, they shouldnt get rewarded with more of me.

i put prince in the cat carrier for two hours every time he poops but he keeps pooping AND he pees in the carrier.

im terrible at so much. how can that beautiful girl love me.

when i write her its all about sex. but in weirdly creative ways which i know sounds impossible because what topic has been over done as much as that one but im telling you, wild stuff comes out and its good and i wish i could share it but

those are just for her.

today i drove 125 miles. did a few airport trips. nearly took a ride down to mission viejo for $75 but sergio told me not to take it because it was surging. little trips tony. keep going back to the airport because it was giving $30 bonuses there

took a rich girl up into the beverly hills and she told me biden was hurting her business of commercial real estate. i asked what are you selling.

she said mostly wherehouses for amazon and stuff.

i got, dont immigrants fill up wherehouses and clean offices and park the cars and keep the grass green

she had lost her voice partying at a tennis tourney in scottsdale so was whispering

i have the greatest life.

got in n out after all that

came home

knocked out a long piece about ushers halftime show

which im very happy about.

also happy i might be ‘working’ for someone i love so much

but not like how this girl allegedly loves me

in a different way

chuck phillips was a hero

he was one of the first LA Times ppl i freaked out from meeting when i did

which was early in my run there

he had written a story that would later get him in trouble

about how this guy in jail told him who killed Tupac

turned out it wasnt true and they had to retract it from the paper and we had to do all these special things on the website

but a few weeks before that he was assigned to do a live chat in my office

and i was all holy shit chuck phillips i used to read you way back in college

he was so nice

so down to earth

and here he is interviewing 2pac back in the day

I did everything wrong tonight driving Uber/Lyft

I went to USC even though my Uber sherpa told me not to. I got a burrito in West LA even though we know that’s not the best spot. I wasted at least 45 minutes trying to get my Benz key fob battery replaced at midnight.

And I didn’t tell this beautiful woman from MIT I was in love with her and we should start a family in South Pass.
But I did drive. Even though I wanted to just snuggle up with a series of giant bongloads and ice cream, I got out there into the night and drove until 3am for several reasons including we only die once.
His name was Richie he was an Asian millenial from Culver City who had just gotten back from Vegas where he was ‘consulting’ with a super rich nepo baby.
Richie works for a well known bank has a job where in order to keep their best customers happy, he’s instructed to hang out with a few of them to wine, dine, and visit boobies.
Richie has done this with this in Hollywood, North Hollywood, West Hollywood, Atlanta and TJ with this particular gentleman who trades stocks through him, finances homes, boats, small businesses, but is basically a 60-year-old teenager who can’t get enough of the best things in life. Blondes, redheads, and mexican hookers.
My passenger says he has an expense account but it only goes so far. So when the client told him, ‘meet me at burbank airport on noon Friday,’ there was Richie with a little rolly suitcase, a business casual outfit, and some comfortable shoes because they were going to gamble and drink and maybe snort somethings. But he knew they were really gonna spend a bunch of quality time at the Spearmint Rhino
home of “more 10s than I’ve ever seen, dude,” he told me.
oh, I know, I agreed. not only have I been a customer, I shared with Richie, but i once ubered a young lady from Brentwood to LAX and when I helped her with her lil rolly bag it was light as a feather and i was stiff as a board.
Richie was back there in the dark backseat. Head leaned all the way back, wiping his nose as we cruised down the 10 towards the palisades – another place i shouldn’t have gone to bc once you’re there late at night you can get stuck, but the angels were with me.
he was downing purple Gatorade while telling me how he blew through a grand at the Rhino in just a few hours because you can get a private room for $300 for 15 minutes, and then the bottle girl pours you and the dancer two shots for $100
to myself i thought, they ripped you off my man. but i just listened. a rarity.
later he told me of an adventure they had last year where they flew to san diego, took an uber to the border, walked over the bridge, and got to the infamous Tijuana Hong Kong strip club slash brothel.
if this guys so rich why’s he humpin mexican girls in TJ i asked
dude, i dont know. he can have anyone. he just likes talking dirty to skinny mexican hookers.
did you get any of them i asked?
no. i needed to make sure he didnt get robbed.
typically i wouldnt have gotten along with a guy like Richie. he seemed a tad frattish, a little elite, but for some reason we hit it off. sex drugs rock. and he was keeping it real with me. i appreciated that.
sorta reminded me of the boy scout from Up, but all grown, uh, up.
told me about one time he talked his client out of going to mexico and instead took him to commerce where there are just as many skinny mexican dancer prostitutes except a lot less danger. there he got a $350 half and half he called it.
beautiful beautiful woman, he smiling like it had just happened.
and i thought, i could never do any of that in a million years. im so much a germaphobe. Plus how am i gonna explain myself at the pearly gates? she was pretty?
St. Peter’s gonna say, they were all pretty. wtf tony.
but Richie looked so happy talking about it. like he was surprised she got down on her knees so quickly when he pulled out his roll of cash.
i wanted to ask him about the music because thats my favorite part of strip clubs but began nodding off and in the dark s-turns of the wooded palisades i was getting a little sleepy too.
$0 tip.

today mojo nixon died

when i was in college he was the first rock star i ever interviewed. he was hilarious and dirty and funny and weird and gross

and the perfect person to break my cherry with.

we talked about the Replacements, Reagan, Bush, Debbie Gibson and I laughed the whole time.

When I tell you I’ve had the luckiest life, I mean it.

But look how luckier Ken Layne was:

RIP Mojo

today i gave Beyonce advice on Word in Black

the other day at the Grammys Jay-Z noted that his wife Beyonce has more Grammys than anyone (32) but hasn’t won any for Album of the Year.

So I spell out the situation, who she lost to, what people like Adele and Harry Styles has said, and what I am pretty sure she can do to win it.

What Does Beyonce Have to Do to Win Album of the Year?

it’s my first time writing for Word in Black, which I am extremely excited about.

on Friday I will have something up there about Black NFL Head Coaches.

drove 14 trips last night at usc for lyft

fratboys make the news
but theres lots of wholesome kids over there.

on the last trip i was talking music
with a beautiful young woman
who was all you dont know lana del rey
my gray hairs were obvious in my beard

yeah youre probably right i said hey who’s yr favorite painter

artist? she asked.probably vincent van gogh.

weird, i said, cuz mines norman
fucking
rockwell

the winner of the shortest skirt in hollywood was drunk


she was waiting impatiently for me as i approached the curb outside the crowded club

long legs, tall shoes, not much of a top and a tiny jacket

its february and about to rain, in any other situation i would have assumed she was a hooker

but clubs these days, i guess thats the look

“do you have a plastic bag i could use?”

omg she needs to barf.

i’ll just pull over and you can do it on the curb. i can wait.

no i really want to get home she said and buried her face into my always at the ready barf bag

one reason i dont drive at night – it was almost 2am – is because ppl either want to

fight you, fuck you, or barf in your car.

im too sexy for all those things so i just avoid the night, which hurts my wallet because you can make some great money at night

this trip, which is why i accepted it, was gonna pay me $44 to take her 18 minutes to the east of hollywood, the san gabriel valley, home to some of the best asian food in the usa

things i would have asked her about if i wasnt paranoid she was going to puke while falling asleep

or any number of ways for the face in the bag to fail

trust me they were all zipping through my head as i weaved in and out of lanes on the 101 freeway

other ubers, cabs, and drunks were annoying creeping the speed limit. there wasnt much traffic. there was no need for that.

i needed to get her home. pretty legs flirting with me. tattoos that said talk to me. hi tony.

itd been a while since i saw legs like that. thin but not scrawny. pale even in the moonlight. how old was she? never got a good look. she had rushed into the front seat of my car, which is usually not allowed but women have a way of being allowed exceptions

even if your little skirt defies gravity and sense

cute little silver purse sparkling.

enormous phone which had been dropped onto my dirty floor glowing from someone texting her

r u ok? someone wanted to know.

shhhh she is. let her cover her entire face some more.

i believe in angels because she was so tiny and vulnerable a bad man even lonlier than i could have, and maybe would have, done something terrible

so they put her in my car because i’d like to go to heaven to meet these angels one day

maybe she was one, visiting earth on spring break, not remembering her tolerance, and whoops drunk on hollywood blvd

which is dangerous no matter who you are.

with 5 minutes to go i wanted to tell her the time but what if that made her puke? i kept quiet as supertramp’s breakfast in america played quietly.

when we turned the corner to her house i said my only words

im proud of you

i tried so hard, she said.

you did it.

nite.

Los Angeleno: He Once Slept Outside an L.A. Church, Now He’s Their Top Chef

originally posted here on Los Angeleno, but they have turned their site inside out.

Caesar Sotelo overcame his drug addiction and cooks for those who need it most.

Caesar Sotelo sits on a stool in the kitchen of a church on Fountain Avenue in Little Armenia. Smiling.

To the thousands that drive past it each week, Hope International Bible Fellowship might appear like a typical church with a typical name. But for Sotelo, it’s so much more because last September he was sleeping on its stairs at night, struggling with heroin addiction.

Today, he is sober, bright-eyed and optimistic. And he’s the head chef at the church kitchen, tasked with providing hundreds of meals a week for the throngs of homeless men and women who line up twice a day for a home-cooked meal.

“I had never been a cook before, but now I walk down the street and people say, ‘Hey, there’s the chef!’” Sotelo says with a laugh.

“I’ve always had a love for the kitchen because my mom was a great cook,” Sotelo says. “I would always sit with her in the kitchen and ask ‘Mom, what are you doing? What’s this?’ So I have always had it in my heart. And I have always had the gift of having my mom’s flavor, which separates me from other people. The beauty is when people eat here, sometimes it brings tears to their eyes and they will say, ‘Oh it’s like my mom or grandma cooked it.’”

During the throes of his addiction, things weren’t always so positive for Sotelo and his family. The Santa Barbara native was thrown out of the house on several occasions due to the circumstances surrounding his drug use. He made his way to L.A. where he struggled. And when he returned to the Central Coast, he made do where he could, since he was not welcome anywhere else.

“The thing is I had no faith. I was hopeless,” he says, “I lived under a bridge in Santa Barbara for seven months. I just cried a lot. Not even my family wanted me around. They wanted nothing to do with me because of my addiction.”

His biggest challenge in Santa Barbara? Finding a wholesome meal.

“You can always find someone to give you drugs, but it can be very hard to find someone to give you a plate of food,” Sotelo says.

He decided to venture back to L.A. one more time and landed in East Hollywood, where he found the Hope church on Fountain Avenue a few blocks west of Vermont Avenue. The church hosted Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, fed the needy and seemed relatively safe.

“I came here with such a defensive attitude,” Sotelo says. “There were a lot of arguments involved. It was all about having an attitude outside of these doors. Because out there you have to act that way. You have to be tough or else, you know. I got assaulted twice before I came here.”

He was turning 40 and he had nothing but the clothes on his back.

“I was scared,” he says, “I didn’t want to walk around. I would eat here.” And so, he began volunteering at the church all day.

Then, he did something unusual for him. He prayed.

“I asked God, ‘What’s my mission? You don’t want to take me with you,’” he says, adding, “I had three overdoses already. I had no direction. No meaning for my life. ‘Show me what you want.’”

“When it was about 9 p.m., I would have to leave,” he says. “So I would just prefer to stay here like in a safe — and, of course, it was a church, I felt secure.” So he slept on the steps.

One day he was volunteering and overheard that a bed had become available. Later that day he heard of a second one. He mentioned that he was looking for housing and thanks to his work ethic and personality, he was given one of the church’s six beds. Eventually, he discovered he could cook.

“I see this is the mission he has for me … because I love helping others,” he says.

“When I cook and I am in the kitchen, I picture my mom next to me,” he says. “I could be having a bad day or a bad moment, but as soon as I come into the kitchen, it goes away. I used to go out there eating from the trash and getting sick from what I ate. But now, I get to cook from my heart and that’s the difference.”

Leaning up against a wall in the back kitchen is Jason Huyck, an alumnus of the church’s Men’s Recovery Program. He was the chef right before Sotelo got the role. Huyck stepped down once he graduated from the program.

“I passed the baton to Caesar, but I couldn’t be more different,” Huyck says. “I was mashed potatoes and meatloaf and homestyle White Boy food. But Caesar arrived and added some flavor to it and I love it.”

Huyck’s family are farmers from Upstate New York. “So we are all about casseroles. My specialty was Everything But The Kitchen Sink Casserole,” he says.

Now that he has graduated from the program, he continues to volunteer at the church and also works at the San Fernando Valley Rescue Mission.

Huyck says Sotelo was a good cook immediately but there was one issue when he began — his portions were too small. “Everybody has this problem when they start here,” Huyck says. “We’re used to cooking for a family of four — or less — and then to cook for 100-plus takes a little getting used to.”

Sotelo seems to have gotten used to it. “I like to make enough for seconds now,” he says. “People are hungry. This could be their first meal in a long time. It could be their last.”

“When I cook Mexican food for them, they enjoy it,” Sotelo says. “They love spiciness. We have a mix in our homeless community. There are lots of races and colors, but they love spicy.”

He says they love his mole, his green chile adobo and, recently, his brisket. Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods regularly donate produce to the church; which for Sotelo illustrates the 180-degree change in his life as those were the dumpsters that he used to dive to feed himself. Now, they deliver that food to him. Gratis.

Ben Falcioni, who grew up outside of Pasadena, is the director of the church’s Men’s Recovery Program. “Caesar is a joy to be around,” he says, “He wasn’t always, but that’s a testament to his commitment, and his striving to be better and to learn and grow.”

Falcioni, who was also once homeless and addicted to heroin, has been working at the church for the last eight years. He’s watched the neighborhood slowly gentrify and tolerance wane for the charitable work the church does.

In a heated thread on the NextDoor app last month, a neighbor of the church complained about the fact that they feed the homeless. She suggested that the church move. Her neighbors on the app overwhelmingly disagreed.

“She’s not alone though,” Falcioni says. “We’ve been here a long time feeding the homeless and it’s not without complaint from the neighbors. The neighborhood is gentrifying. There are people moving here who don’t want ‘those’ people in their neighborhood.”

Falcioni says the church works with the neighborhood council, the city councilman, local police and the city attorney — who has a prosecutor that specializes in homelessness — to make sure their good deeds remain safe and lawful.

“We don’t just love the homeless, we love our neighbors,” Falcioni says. “It’s foolish to think everyone is going to love this. They love it in theory, but maybe not in their backyard.”

can you separate the artist from the art?

i can. i hope you can too because im not perfect. i have done bad things. i have broken sweet girls’ hearts after promising id never. im probably not even gonna go to heaven.

but dont punish my fiction or my prose or my podcasts. those were my apologies.

i still listen to ted nugent. kid rock. and can appreciate trump’s appearances on stern back in the day.

kid rock put on one of the best concerts i ever saw. he had joe c, the little guy running around, he had a black lady drummer with a giant afro. showed up in a fur coat and track pants.

sue me, i love fur coats.

i love many many things if i thought about i probably wouldn’t choose but i still like em. youve never seen that picture of Magic in a fur coat? hall n oats?

hopefully it was faux but what can i tell you? my grandma had real furs, minks, rabbits. her great grandma was a slave. i give that woman permission to wear whatever she wants. and flaunt her wealth how she wants. love her. she beat me. with a shiny purse with a gun in it. totally unpc today. maybe could go to jail for that. but who cares. not me. i love her so much. i am her in so many ways and i love it. i wish i was more of her in more ways.

she would have demanded to get out of that jail. WHY IS A BLACK WOMAN IN HERE FOR LOVING HER GRANDSON WITH THE BACK OF MY HAND? HALF THESE NAPPY ASS HEATHENS BEHIND THESE BARS WOULDNT BE HERE IF SOMEONE LOVED THEM ENOUGH TO BEAT THEIR BLACK ASSES.

how do i know she would have said that? because she said it outloud all the time anywhere we went. so embarrassing but also wonderfully entertaining.

4 people at the grocery store. Grandma rolls her cart up now its 5. IF I WAS WHITE I BET REGISTER 3 WOULD HAVE OPENED UP BUT IM NOT IM BLACK. A BLACK WOMAN TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HER FAMILY BUT YALL DONT CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE D— suddenly a register would ding open and everyone would watch her get her way.

they tell me this director or that was bad or evil or even criminal.

ok. what was his apology like?

etienne and i have been chatting

just know nothing i do regarding my heart
my financials
my career
my creativity
or my diet

makes any sense.

if there was a button that said correct choice

it would be the least touched button on my dashboard

but graciously, the Lord Above has saved my ass time and time again

for example when i was at santa monica college and pumping gas in beverly hills

i was torn between going to uc santa barbara and ucla

i had zero idea ucsb was a party school. the internet hadnt even been created. there was no way to know unless you had gone there,

it didnt become notorious until the years i was there

pure coincidence, i assure you

but i sincerely went there because i thought it would be easier for me to study

since it was away from LA and all the distractions here.

i swear.

but the Lord turned that mistake into a good thing.

(the greatest thing.)

etienne and i had some very high highs and very low lows.

there is something about her, still, that inspires me

i was writing her while under all these meds and too much sleep and these words just came flowing out and they were funny and creative and i just sat back as part of the audience because they were doing all the work and she was crying and i was laughing

it was such a flow i probably could have written a books worth of psychedelic romantic comedy all while asking about some of our past moments and she answering honestly and in such a lovely way

one thing i told her in this long flow ended like this

we must have been married 500 years ago and had a messy divorce over a misunderstanding that was revealed with a dna test long after i was hung

she wants to start a dog rescue down there so i made up a name and a poster