youre about to get tsared

May 29 House of Blues Anaheim, CA
Jun 2 Detroit Bar Costa Mesa, CA
Jun 3 The Ale House Presented by KMRJ Palm Springs, CA

Jun 6 Metro London
Jun 7 Wedgewood Rooms Portsmouth
Jun 8 Fleece Bristol
Jun 9 Little Civic Wolverhapton
Jun 10 Furnance Swindon
Jun 11 Charlotte Leicester
Jun 13 Junction Cambridge
Jun 14 Met. Lounge Peterbrough
Jun 15 Engine Room Brighton
Jun 16 Peel Kingston
Jun 17 Night & Day Manchester
Jun 21 Barfly Glasgow
Jun 22 Kef Aberdeen
Jun 23 “Venue” Edinburgh
Jun 24 Carlton Morecombe
Jun 25 Silhouettes Hull
Jun 27 Fibbers York
Jun 28 Barfly Liverpool
Jun 29 Metro London
Jul 2 Rock City Nottingham

Jul 16 WKRL 100.9 FM’s K-Rock-a-thon Syracuse, NY
Jul 23 WFNX Off The Radar @ TT The Bears Cambridge, MA
Jul 31 WEDG 103.3 FM’s Edgefest Buffalo, NY
Sep 3 The Annex Madison, WI

band + girls + money

staples center
los angeles
5/26/04

dearly beloved,

if u ever want 2 get through this thing called life, make sure u go 2 a prince show at least once.

and if you go once, you’ll be back.

prince popped up through the center of his stage last night at the sold-out staples center dressed in white. pure of any sin. and the definition of sexy.

an x marked the spot on the center of the arena. his gold microphone awaited him. his 8 peice band including horn section featuring james brown’s legendary sax man maceo parker and blonde bombshell candy dulfer waited for him. and the screaming LA crowd who were amazingly on-time waited for him on this, the second night of an unprecidented five-night stand of los angeles’s premier concert and sports venue.

home of the lakers, the grammys, the kings, and last night, of prince.

he owned it. he rocked it. he was it.

as a witness of hundreds of concerts, ive seen the best: the stones, springsteen, u2, miles davis, the jackson 5, eric clapton, van halen, tom waits, elvis costello, tsar, jane’s addiction, and the beastie boys.

but never have i seen one man seemingly never make a mistake, a wasted motion, or spin and twirl and pirrorette and be equal parts show-off and showman like that freaky little dude from minnesota.

and the fucker did it in heels.

he played his guitar like a kid would play a broomstick. it was an air guitar to him.

a total maestro he would throw his hand down and the drummer would accent the beat and stop.

a master controller he would tell the lighting man to bring up the lights and bring them down and the lights went up or down immediately.

when he grew tired of his guitar a well-dressed man would come out and take it from him and he pranced over to a couch on the stage and his keyboard player gave him a pillow for his feet and a blanket.

then he played bass. then he played bass with the bass player.

then he danced.

fuck did he dance.

all while throwing out classic r&b numbers like chinese stars, all written, produced, and performed by himself throughout the years.

upon entering the show the ushers handed out free copies of his new cd, musicology and one guy said to his buddy, “mick jagger never gave me anything for free.”

and as much as i love mick, mick never played the guitar or wrote these sorts of songs, alone, or this sexy, or with this much funk.

what we got to be a part of last night kept us on our feet dancing for over two hours, and when he concluded with an extended encore of the title track of his best known album, purple rain no one wanted to leave.

except for the yuppies who wanted to somehow “beat” traffic. which, sadly was half the arena.

but whatever, prince had pummelled them. he had pummelled all of us.

if elvis had actually known a thing about showmanship and songwriting and guitar playing and dancing, the king would have been prince.

in my 110 years, this was the best arena concert ive ever seen.

i smiled the entire time.

anti + simpleton + xero 79

while she was driving and at that moment she was hit by another car.

oh my god i was just hit! she said.

i was all, are you alright?

she was all it hurts.

i was all, where are you?

she had just left a film at the arclight.

she said sunset.

i was all, where on sunset?

and she was all, i have to go.

now i love this girl. and i realize that she was in shock, but i havent been fired by the xbi. im still the superhero you love. nothing on here is true baby.

instead she hung up.

sadly the truth is i have no car. so i got my clothes on for the first time all day. it was 10:38pm. i got my cell phone and i got out of my house and started to run down sunset.

i figured id run for a while and if a bus came by id jump on.

but as i started running all the worst images ran through my head. was she cut with glass all over? is her career history? are her arms and legs broken?

was it intentional and they stole her car?

was it intentional and they were going to steal her car till they saw how hot she is and now theyre stealing her too.

so i ran to an atm and got $40 to try to catch a cab.

i ran and saw a cop car and thought about flagging him but then i was all, what if this is xbi related and its someone trying to kidnap an xbi girlfriend. cops cant be involved in that.

so i kept running.

id call her but it went straight to voicemail. that made me even more worried. how does your phone go straight to voicemail after you called me 5 minutes ago? it has to be turned off.

why would she turn off her phone?

im not a long distance runner. i can sprint. i can run fast for a good mile, maybe two miles. karisa can run. i can sprint. big difference. theres a reason i fly chopper one. its to overcompensate.

right before i made it to sunset and western she called me.

she said she was ok.

that the guy who hit her car had just left.

i said did he run away?

she said he drove away.

communication is never what you want it to be in dire situations. i tried to keep the questions as laser sharp as possible.

i am at sunset and western, where are you on sunset.

even that was a complicated conversation.

eventually i made it to her. she was exchanging information and i thought you people have had a half hour to exchange information what sort of madness is happening here.

i got into the drivers seat and sped her to the hospital.

she had no bruises or cuts. nothing was broken. a car she told me hit her from behind as she was stopped at a red light. the car hit her so hard that she hit the car in front of her.

because she is such a sweet sweet girl she was worried about what her father and brother would say about it. her neck and head were sore, she had a headache but she worried about what people would say. i was all baby, you were stopped at a red light, what on earth could youhave done better.

she said nothing.

i said, yes you could have told me the first time where you were on sunset.

and she shot me a look like how could you criticize me at this moment

and she was right. im an ass. but i was relieved that she was ok.

and when we got into a room inside the ER i got to help her change into one of those gowns.

all i gotta say is ooh lala.

zulieka + nothing i ever did at work was as bad as this + great picture of raymi

all these days are interesting.

today though, sheesh.

currently im in the jungles of hmo phone chain hell.

i told a woman that i was going to cry if she didnt send me to the correct person.

wanna know why i dont like doctors?

last time i went to a doctor about something curious he greased up a gloved finger and shoved it in a place where not even God has explored and told me to pee on the floor.

i tried and i couldnt but it was a bizarre situation especially considering that the view was amazing since we were on the top floor of the historic hollywood general hospital that overlooks los feliz east hollywood and on a clear day downtown la and west hollywood.

the other day i went to the doctor since my insurance was about to run out and he said your tests tell me to send you to a specialist so i went to the specialist and this fucker wants to put a camera up my ass.

even though im 111 years old i have a mother who is still with us, thank God and i was all ma wtf, and she was all its a colonosophy, youre a little young for that but colon cancer is something that you want to keep an eye on, its whats killing chief justice rehnquist.

so now believe it or not, i find myself in the odd situation of fighting to get this camera up my ass.

the specialist advised that i get on the horn today to my insurance company to make sure the proceedure got approved but since i had nothing to do yesterday i made a call yesterday and left a message.

then today i got serious about it. and left a message at noon. then at 2 i called again and was hung up on before being said hello.

i need a vacation.

so i called back and she said oh yeah you are calling the wrong number. i wanted to say, you heard both of my messages and you werent going to call me back? but im nice. she gave me a different number. i called that one. she sent me back to the first one.

i told that lady that i was going to jump off a bridge if she didnt help me.

please dont do that, she said.

all these women are latin. you can tell.

i dont know what that means, im just reporting the facts.

the latin ladies were not giving me any love today. except the one who i told i was gonna cry if she didnt get me to the right place.

i said to the new one are you hollywood general medical group

she said yes

i said i was told that i need the coordinator of the hollywood general medical group to approve my authorization, please do not send me to orange county, please find me the coordinator of the hollywood general medical group

i was put on hold for maybe three minutes, then i heard two beeps and i was hung up on.

i called back and said my name. she said i am so sorry, but i have the person who can help you.

i could go on. but i wont because i cant believe that im doing all of this, even now blogging about it, so that i can get a camera up my ass

some of the prettiest girls on planet earth have wanted to even look at my asshole and i wont let them and yet im fighting to have this man ive never met to invade my most personal privacy.

so the last lady says when was the request faxed in? i said probably tuesday. she asked what number was it faxed in from? i was all what?

she said, i cant believe she said this, but she did. she said, we get soooo many faxes in here but theyre not paper faxes, theyre emailed faxes, but you cant search the names, you can only search the phone number that it was faxed from.

i was all, so please call my doctor and find out his fax number

she was all, you have to call him.

and of course he’d rather be golfing and im sitting here watching the cubs lose.

like a bitch.

an mp3 of the Amazing Race winners telling the untold story + via fook the people + thanks!

4:45p – 5p
5/25/05

tsar june 28: can i ask a few questions for the busblog?

Blogebrity: SURE

tsar june 28: 1. did Blogebrity start as a contest entry?

Blogebrity: it started as 2 different ideas–one very loosely formed blog idea, and one half-assed contest entry (actually a nerdy fanblog dedicated to jessica coen of gawker). and then, much like the reeses peanut butter cup guys, we said–why not merge the two concepts into one! and blogebrity was formed

tsar june 28: 2. why nick denton on the cover and not wonkette?
tsar june 28: or i should say, why not Ana

Blogebrity: basically, we just found a better picture of nick….we were having a hard time finding good, larger-sized images of ana that would work for the layout

tsar june 28: 3. Will there be centerfolds each issue?

Blogebrity: ummm….do i have to pay you if i steal that idea?

tsar june 28: steal away
tsar june 28: just give me a free subscription 😛

Blogebrity: then yes, i would imagine so
Blogebrity: for sure
Blogebrity: i think we’ll have to hook up the entire A-list

tsar june 28: 4. So Slashdotted today, Metafiltered the other day, who else has given you attention?

Blogebrity: instapundit the day before the competition officially opened was pretty nuts
Blogebrity: quite a bit of attention from conservablogs

tsar june 28: 5. You list Matt Drudge as a blogger, do you do that ironically since he hates being identified as a blogger?

Blogebrity: pretty much

tsar june 28: 6. Is Jeff Gannon on your list?

Blogebrity: oh man….how do we overlook that guy? we gotta add him pronto
Blogebrity: but to what list?

tsar june 28: Do people even go to his blog?
tsar june 28: I’d say a hopeful c-list

Blogebrity: i think he’d probably have to be C-list

tsar june 28: 7. Did you ever read the site Internet Gossip? Are you interested in taking over what they were in to – cam girls, etc?

Blogebrity: hmmm….don’t know about the cam girls and such; we’re definitely exploring any appropriate extension of the concept

tsar june 28: thats it. thanks for your time. good luck on the new venture
tsar june 28: youre already far far ahead of the game

Blogebrity: thanks

tiny cat pants + makeout city + star sailing + seperate my side

one of em says to the other, i swear i feel like im supposed to do something today but i cant remember what. the other goes you mean you dont make a to-do list each morning. a gong is struck and a man in a top hat strikes both of the fuckers with a white glove.

she was twenty two with eyes of blue. we were watching back to school on cable. it was nearly summer so she was rediscovering her bikini closet. took a magazine with me into the office and after a few pages i heard a tap on the door, she came in barefoot in a roxy bikini

i know what i have to do today the one fucker says gasping for air beneath

i was all whats up baby

she was all i didnt know you had a gardener

i was like i have a gardener?

she was like dont you hear that weed wacker

and i was all yeah

and she was like thats the gardener dumbass.

noon you mysterious vixen.

ive seen girls like her before. girls who wear bikinis as uniforms. as utilitarian. as whew im so glad i dont have to think about what to wear. its amazing but somehow the bikini loses its hotness but maybe its just me. nearly instantly bored with everything. a.d.d. on full blast.

no way am i getting a buspass when this month is over. you really have to ride that thing every other day to make it worth it and who does that if they dont have a job to get to. i wanna go to the beach but i have a previous appointment with a job interview.

what you resist persists i tried to tell her but she didnt understand what i was saying but maybe she just figured out a different angle to it. im going to go on the bus. im going to go to the beach. maybe i can figure out how to do this interview another day or on the phone or something. i used to interview people all the time and theyd postphone those things all the time. theyd apologize but we didnt care.

the cubs came back last night to beat the astros and took batting practice off their hotshit closer brad lidge.

you cant be serious and have a closer named brad.

on top of his unfortunate name he looks like he should be ripping my ticket at the multiplex

fortunately if looks mattered and they were the prerequisite to anything theres no way id have a vegin parading around my house eating toasted sourdough trying to convince me that bo brice isnt so bad by pointing out that he doesnt dress gay. and you know i guess he doesnt dress gay.

and say what you want but britneys tv show gets better each week.

xTx + zulieka + yaketesax

? no, not the typical fuck dubya is a fucking idiot but real bitching like ive dated this girl four times and why wont she let me put my hand down her pants. i dont complain about my real life, i dont whine, i dont cry, i dont bitch for several reasons including a weird one that i shouldnt even worry about. truth is i shouldnt worry about any of it. its a blog. its USENET.02 Beta. its a voice in the wilderness, its a baby step up from geocities, its a fad its a trend in the same way dave matthews and coldplay is a trend – you will find those people who will be like omg i LOVE dmb or omg coldplay are brilliant! and you wanna smack those people. my chair sucks. i hate this chair. over the years ive analyzed lots of different things as to what has caused me carpal tunnel, the deliberating and mocking illness on par with becoming an impotent porn star. at first i thought it migh be my home situation and i went through four or five different chairs, a pull out tray for the keyboard, i hired a geisha, i put a sunroof in my closet, i did everything i could. then i realized oh well it might have something to do with the fact that you type for eight hours a day up in chopper one like an idiot. but now i havent worked there for a few weeks and i can barely get on the computer without feeling pain. its not comfortable, its not a good thing, i dont want to be here. i wanna sit on the couch. i want to sleep. i want to stay up until 8am, fuck 3am. i want to sleep till noon. i want to sleep whenever i want. i want to sleep whereever i want. i want this girl to allow my carpal up her prada whats so hard about that?

my monitor has probably two days left in it. if not one. the skys falling america so if you dont hear from me in a few days consider it a summer vacation, which was the plan for this summer until i realized oh but what about the blawwwwg. its like a puppy. you see these young people who get puppies and youre like what the fuck is wrong with you, you realize you cant just go to mammoth for a weekend or vegas or mexico. yes puppies are cute but dude.

the plan this summer in order to turn a bad thing into a good thing was to take the summer off. the only thing i miss about childhood is summer vacations. even then i appreciated not having to do shit. ever. the kids would come to my house and pound on the door in order to round up kids to play baseball on the sod farm and i had the drapes closed i had a pillow over my head i had the cave action on full bore. i had a deadbolt on my door and when my mom had that removed i removed the outside door handle and carried it around in my pocket. so when the kids knocked on the door for a good five minutes straight cuz they knew i was home because my bike was outside, i didnt even bother to flip them off because the general aura of my room was saying fuckoff i’ll meet you at the farm when im good and ready its not like the game is going to be over any time soon fuckers last till its too dark to see.

that was the plan for this summer. not. do. shit.

somebody sent me a bong the other day. nobody believes that im straightedge and gives me this shit all the time because apparently thats what you do in certain circles, when i ran for editor in cheif of the daily nexus and i barely lost in a squeaker by one vote one of the cartoonists came up to me and said tony when i first came into the nexus i was greeted by two people one guy said what do you want the other person said hey the coke machines broke, press the second button for a free one. so heres two hits of the best liquid acid ive ever had the pleasure of knowing. and gave me a little baggie with two sugar cubes in it.

so now theres this bong looking at me and what the hell am i gonna do with that. smoke weed and watch tv all summer? is that what should go down? i dont think so. i dont even know if that could be possible. plus i know im gonna get drug tested at this one place. drink all summer? bleh. bukowski drank so that we wouldnt have to. im derivative enough. ive been drinking water right out of the gallon jug. the empties are laying on their sides like two liters of diet dr pepper used to lay. i went to the doctor the other day for my physical and it was such a ripoff physical, i didnt even take off my clothes. i could have eight dicks for all he knows. he got his assistant to take my blood but not even my piss. wtf. and then this morning i was going through my sneaky pics folder in my camera and i had nabbed a picture of part of my file at the doctors office and guess what letter was on the corner of my file? x

so why did he take my blood then, wasnt that in my xbi folder too? but then i figured maybe it was cuz i wasnt around for three weeks and i could have been up to no good but ive been with virgins, a vegan and a carnivore. we went to the pantry last night. on our way to the tsar show we started making out right in the car and we pulled over and lets just say that when we were done we realized that there was no way we were going to make it to downey in time for the show so since we were in the car anyway we decided to go to the pantry where she got eggs n potatoes and i got chicken fried steak mashed potatoes and corn. they give you a friggin loaf of sour dough bread which i doggie bagged and turned some of it into peanut butter n jelly sandwhiches at 3:30am disregarding the one thing the doctor told me after getting my blood tests back: diet. the assistant translated that into your cholestorol is fine but your tyglicorides(?) are a few points higher than they should be. and its true ive been eating like a pig. i feel like its something i can do with my hands. its something active since i have nothing active to do and i since i dont want to do anything and i dont want to sit anywhere other than a couch or a bed or a bleacher or a beachside.

but the trick of all of this is to try to get to a point where im telling you its impossible but its goal-worthy and thats to have no obligations.

its impossible because somewho who i like and admire a great deal is going to have a birthday party soon and so i have to go to that, and i want to go to that, but its still an obligation. the cubs are going to be in town this week. i have to go to there. obligation. is it possible to fall asleep with the idea that “i can truly sleep as long as i want. i can try to set a fucking sleep record if i wanted since i dont have to be awake at any time tomorrow.” and thus have a great nights sleep. and thus be free. and thus be finally, something. something better than this. which isnt free. which you are still the slave to something. slave to yes. yes i will do that.

the problem with obligation for some is instant regret and obstination. and the practice of making up words, which when that happens, perhaps drinking at noon isnt such a bad idea.

last night i went to bed early. four am. and i slept on the couch because i wanted to wake up at a reasonable hour because i wanted to enjoy some of this daylight because i wanted to feel like a kid on summer vacation in hollywood with a blank slate and the freedom to play shortstop all day. it was nice driving down wilshire with this cheerleader listening to the mix cd id just made. i was driving. the streets were empty. during the quiet part of one of the songs i had my hand on her thigh since thats where its supposed to be and we were at a red light which illuminated her miniskirts shimmer and i nudged her thigh toward me just a little bit, and she opened her legs just a tad and smiled, and you woulda pulled over too.

bungee + golden fiddle + raymi + jaime’s new book!

today

laurita says im her idol. shes the one going to law school, so shes my idol.

theres nothing better than a smart girl.

two smart girls maybe.

i read her site goobita a long time ago and for some reason we never talked till now.

the other night we talked about some blogs that we read.

all i have to say is you people have stories to tell and pretty blogs, i wish you’d write in them.

i hate that our friends and family, or the fear about friends and family keep people from telling their stories.

something must be done.

this is the first time in mankind that people from all over the world, completely different people, can tell each other what its like to live where they live and do the things that they do.

why hold back?

xbi called me this morning. apologized for calling on our company vacation. gnarly shit going down in the valley, where its been super hot.

i didnt want to go to the super hot. and i didnt go to sleep last night till five.

karisa still had my flying car so i took a cab into the office

los angeles this morning was glorious, people of earth. warm, clear, smooth, sweet.

he didnt say nothing to me and i didnt say nothing to him.

the jazz coming out of the boom box on the passengers front seat sounded like monk i could barely hear it behind the bullet proof glass.

when i was a kid i rode in a car by a current pro baseball player and i sat in the back seat and i thought i wonder if anyone knows who this guy is driving, that they just cheered for him a few hours ago.

this morning i thought i wonder if this taxi driver knows that what hes saying on his cell phone right now is being heard by one of the few people who could fuck his shit up in a major way.

cops say that the bad guys are all asleep on a saturday morning.

sometimes theyre driving cabs totally sober.

sometimes theyre in the back seat totally hung.

laurita + dave + photoblogs experiment + if blogebrity was fake before, its real now