yes THE kat!

her hair is redder in real life, her skin is totally flawless. shes wonderful and i cant believe that she gave me volume one of the Cult of the One Eyed Cat!

i keep trying to tell you that blogging will bring you everything.

even redheads who want to lunch with you.

wil is like me, we can talk and talk and talk. poor kat had to put her hands over our mouths to get a word in. it was cute.

funny thing about the guy, he really is a geek. fucker knows more about the web and networks and backend programming than half the IT dudes that i work with at the xbi.

in hollywood you cant throw a brick without hitting a celeb in the eye, which is something fun to do when your bored, but most of them either dont want to talk about their past or dont want to talk about parts of their past or just dont want to talk at all. mr wheaton isnt like that at all. he very happilly went down any conversational dark alley that i wanted to lead him into, and then responded honestly and frankly.

but all roads lead todays lunchtime conversations back to blogging and if you want to get my respect as a blogger thats how you do it: love it. and its obvious that wil, kat, and myself all truly love blogging, the blogosphere, and blogs very deeply. they were throwing out names and blogs and old web sites and group blogs and commentors and articles and links like crazy.

if it was a radio show it woulda been the greatest fucking radio show youd have ever heard. and we had just meeting each other. freaky.

we dined at the classiest marie calanders just outside of beverly hills. it was my idea. the lovely kat had a seafood pasta. wil and i had the soup and half sandwhich cuz it was raining today and theres nothing better than soup. i believe hes a vegitarian.

afterwards he was such a gentleman that he slid me an autographed copy of his book and gave me the thrill of signing how to blog for him.

biggest lesson i learned in ’04 was dont be jealous about other bloggers because of their hits cuz theyre people too and they secretly might really like your shit. and not all of them will be as cool as wil and like you even when youre being a dope.

thanks kat for arranging this. pictures will be up later tonight.

in other hollywood news brad pitt and jeniffer whatshername broke up

dirty fez + cult of the one eyed cat + wil wheaton

people of earth. you obsess about your weight far too much.

havent you realized nobody cares?

havent you seen people like Oprah go from fine to fat to fine again and make billions along the way?

havent you seen that there are just as many fat men as fat women therefore everyone cancels each other out?

or is it your health that youre worried about?

i dont think the mantra that i hear every friggin day of “i need to lose some weight this year” has anything to do with health else people would be saying, “i need to eat less crap this year.”

havent you seen that skinny people are just as fucked up as anyone?

i went to cancun for new years eve and you know who i saw there? fat americans.

i went to the swankiest hotel in all of hollywood last night and you know who i saw there? fat movie execs talking to fat businessmen.

the fat have it better than they think. but theyre not enjoying it.

fucking enjoy it people.

eat that pastrami double cheeseburger at carls jr. you know you want it. shit, i want it. who doesnt want it?

tsunami can come and fuck us all up, so live people LIVE!

dont you remember to the guy who invented the atkins diet? what was his name? doesnt matter? fucker got a heartattack.

arent we all gonna get heartattacks and die?

if im gonna die of a heart attack i want them to cut me open and see a McRib in there and a bananna split.

and a smile on my face.

die with your bib on, babies.

hey tony,

got the blooks the other day. thanks again for doing that for me. the personalized one’s on the coffee table, the other’s by the toilet. (take that as a compliment – it is.)

also, i know you come up with your own 17 post ideas every day, and i hate when people tell me what to write, but i’ve got a suggestion to submit, dammit.

i’m assuming you’ve gained an assload of readers over the past year or so. and i know you’ve got a blogger profile and all, but what about an FAQ post for readers who like your stuff, but may not “get” some of the references you make? i know when i jumped on roughly 18 months ago i enjoyed the writing but it took me a while to get some of the things you talk about – i wasn’t around for the origins.

i’m sure even a few regular readers have questions like “what’s the xbi?” and “why does he say nothing in here is true?” and “how did you come up with the photo essay and (insert other masterful creations here)?” they’d love to see answered in a post you could reference back to later.

anyway, just an idea – something i’d really like to read and i’m sure others would too.

the more i think about it, i know you’re going to hit me back with an FAQ url that i’ve blindly missed.

//rp

dear ryan,

i love the ‘mask. you make one of the funniest, more professional, borderline illegal, occasionally disgusting, best blogs out there.

if i hadnt gotten bored of giving out Anna awards you would have won one for something. shit. i dont know what. but you were on the short list.

whats up with Death Pool 2005? i want to win this year.

faqs should be short and sweet. so here goes

+ + +

busblog faq

q. why do you call it the busblog?

a. im the only person in LA who rides the bus. when i started blogging i wanted to call my blog something that would identify me for what made me different from other LA bloggers.

q. when did the busblog start?

a. summer of 2001

q. how often do you post?

a. between two and four times a day.

q. your blog says “nothing in here is true”. why?

a. ironically it allows me to be more honest. lets say i really was dating anna kournikova and someone from the press asked her about it. she could say, oh please even *he* says nothing on there is true.

q. how big is your weiner?

a. my pumas are size 10.

q. why are there no ads on your blog?

a. there are two ads. one for Project DU, who pays me to use my RSS feeds for their blogreader, and one from a company that paid me up front to link 5 words. i think ads make blogs look tacky and i think ads can distract people from being honest. the point of the web is to give people the opportunity to say something to the world. my message is not Eat At Joes.

q. whats the message of the busblog?

a. be good. be fearless. trust a higher spirit. try new things. communicate openly. own your nerdiness. ask the hot babe to the fair.

q. how old are you?

a. age is a fakeout.

q. do you get laid all the time?

a. when im not working, im on the web. like most people, sex is a very small percentage of my daily routine. weekends, however, are a fuckfest.

q. why dont you capitalize your letters?

a. lazy.

q. what do you think of people who write you off because of your lack of capitals and/or your poor grammer + spelling.

a. hopefully the popularity of this blog will show people that they can truly be themselves. there are very few people who i give a shit about regarding their opinions about this blog. if they said to capitalize or spellcheck i would. the rest can blow me. i feel bad that they will miss out on some great ee and wcw poems

q. do you really live in hollywood?

a. hollywood, ca, 90029

q. have you ever seen karisa naked?

a. i have a hard time looking at karisa clothed for more than ten seconds. naked would be like staring at ten suns, i would imagine.

q. where do you work?

a. i work for the xbi. a collective of supernatural shapeshifters who fight crime ruthlessly and visciously. imagine if the cia, fbi, the bloods and the crips were given college educations and very little supervision. put them in fast cars and silent helicopters and youd have the xbi on a lunch break.

q. did you really get carpal tunnel from blogging?

a. i got tendinitous and repetitive stress syndrome from the first few years that i worked at the xbi luring child molesters and arms dealers through aol chat rooms. 8 hours of chatting is good practice for aspiring writers, but foolish for old men whose body doesnt bounce back the way it used to. meanwhile blogging takes up about one hour a day. blogging is blameless.

q. why dont you have a girlfriend?

a. cuz im dumb.

q. how do you do your photo essays?

a. i get the pictures first. then i put them in Dreamweaver and write the text. then i upload them onto my site. a 40 page photoessay will take 4-5 hours so if i see that i havent started one before 10pm i dont even try to start because for some reason i have an unspoken rule that they must all be created in one sitting.

q. what do you want to be when you grow up?

a. cool.

q. who are some of your favorite bloggers.

a. raymi, flagrant, sk smith, welch, layne, the buzzmachine, and anti are some blogs that i visit every day.

q. you hate on bush all the time. why do you hate america?

a. bush is the fratboy loser fuckup moron who grew up ruining everything he touched. i dont hate america for voting for him. america would have voted for everyone loves raymond if they had the chance. we’re a great country, we just have issues regarding the whole voting process. half of us cant even find our way to the voting booth.

q. tsar sucks. why are you such a fanboy?

a. you obviously know nothing about rock music. i pity you.

q. who hosts your site?

a. Nothing Special Network Services. theyre not the cheapest, but you hardly ever see the busblog down, do you?

q. name all the sites and services that keep the busblog running.

a. finally, a good question:

blogger

nothing special network services

haloscan comments

buzznet

sitemeter

dreamweaver

photoshop

windows xp

jeff solomon computer repair

kim thigpen legal goddess

my sponsors project du and free credit report

paypal

canon s45

cafepress who published my blook

trojan condoms

arrowhead water

sbc dsl

and most importantly the support of thousands of generously kind readers

q. whats your email address?

a. busblog at gmail dot com

q. is it true that your phone number starts with 666?

a. yes. how fucking cool is that?

q. is it true youre an ordained minister?

a. all real ministers are ordained.

q. what religion are you?

a. Christian

q. if youre Christian why does your phone number start with 666???

a. the bible says that the mark of the beast on the devil is 666. that number represents the decimal number of the 2/3rds (.666) of people who wont be saved, according to scripture. that number reminds me to try to be someone worth saving, its not a number to be afraid of.

(although whats creepy is that right now .666 of the world’s population are not Christian)

q. how many How To Blog books have you sold?

a. about 200.

q. thats not very many.

a. compared to your book sales it is.

q. how do you get your book published?

a. CafePress.com will print any original book. you turn your Word doc into a .pdf, upload a .jpg of your cover, spine and back cover and youre done. if you never want to buy one of your own books, the whole process will be free. if you want a copy it’s pretty cheap. and the quality is great.

q. how do i get you to link to me?

a. write me an email kissing my ass and i will link you.

q. i want to send you some nudes.

a. thats sweet but i dont open attachments from strangers. email me a link to where youve uploaded it.

q. does your mom read your blog? if so, is she proud?

a. my mom has known me for quite a while. in some ways im more open during my saturday phone conversations with her than i can be at times in this blog. i keep no secrets from her. the only thing she would like to see less of are the curse words. shes a southern gentlewoman.

q. why do you curse so much?

a. cuz thats how i would talk to you if we were at a bar, so thats how i will write to you on my blog.

q. whats the best tip you have for new bloggers?

a. right before you hit Publish Post, right click > select all > copy, then step away until it publishes. the web is funky, sometimes your browser will crap out or it wont publish, if that happens, go to your email and paste in your post and email it to yourself. once you know its been sent, restart your computer and try it again.

theres no good reason to lose a good post if you follow those simple steps.

q. whats your secret to getting lots of hits?

a. there are several different kinds of popular bloggers. one similarity is that most of them post at least once a day. its your job to find more similarities and mimic those too.

q. what are all those names and numbers on the left side of your blog?

a. for the last few years ive been conducting an experiment to see how long it would take to get $20,000 in donations in order to buy a car. when people flow me $10 or more, i put their name on the left side of my blog and if they have a blog i link their name to it. so far i have over $1,000. 2024 here we come!

q. how will the cubs do this year?

a. the cubs will win it all this year.

mc brown got to meet the blogger kids again + chokey named be Blogger of the Year + vote for sheila

called me to ask me why i hadnt yet given him props for making it into the hall of fame.

i told him that it was because i was busy this morning getting shot and and later stitched up.

while they stiched one part of me, they examined some stiches they put in on the other side of me. the doc said, you heal as fast as a five-year old kid.

we joked and i said that they need to get some gag blood hooked up to the examining bed that would squirt out at the (in)appropriate time.

the nurses were all, why?

i said, cuz it would be so awesome to think blood is squirting out of my head without the pain that usually accompanies it.

a dear new reader asked in the comments “what is the xbi?”

the xbi is the agency that i work for. its like the fbi and the cia had a baby but the baby carried a gun.

we steal from theives and give to the poor. whats left over we give to the cops who then run to the tv stations and say “we recovered $1 million and 75 guns!”

when infact $1.5 million was missing and 100 guns were gone.

i want to quit. i want to work with the cuban girl at her marketing company. i dont want to fight crime with crime any more. i dont want to fly around in chopper one any more. i want a creative job where i dont have to get stitched up twice a week or make people scared and piss their pants and vomit and

die.

now the catch 22 is, if it werent for the xbi there would have been no busblog, which i created to get my head out of the nightmare of being an undercover superhero, but now that the snowball has begun rolling, i think it could adjust to a new way of earning my daily bread.

lost was awesome last night.

but not as awesome as #23 for the cubbies who hit the game winning home run in 1977 where the cubs beat the phillies 23-22.

at least thats how i remember it.

congrats ryno.

the comedian + betser + anti

king king
hollywood, ca
1/5/05

tsar is my favorite band.

last night was the first night that tsar did not feature their lovable bass player jeff solomon.

they had a new guy in there who won the right to audition with LAs best rock band.

how did he do? well i think he did ok, but theres no replacing a guy like solomon.

karisa and i chose last night to see if we could go to a club, a bar, a show and not drink booze. since we’re superheroes we succeeded but it wasnt the most enjoyable experiment.

especially without one of the nicest guys in the world, mr solomon, who retired from the group to take care of his infant son.

i was tempted to write him today and say, what sort of rock star are you? since when does responsibility figure into the formula of glam punk?

but i didnt because hes fixing danielles laptop for free.

king king is a big spacious new club on hollywood blvd. theres a bar right in the center of the dancefloor. why people put bars in the center of the dancefloor is beyond me. the classy Derby does this too. as raymi would say pfffftttt.

the opening band wasnt bad. their drummer was really good.

karisa and i stood up against the wall outside and talked. shes the only person i know who could lose weight over Christmas. bitch.

her legs and ass were swimming in her pants. i asked her to spin around for me and then i said wheres your ass? she said, its there, trust me, its there. but i couldnt see it so i told her she is no longer attractive to me.

she dropped me off and as soon as i got in the house i called her cell phone and said, well maybe youre still a little attractive, but when that booty comes back gimme a call.

and yes the new tsar drummer wore a football helmet the whole show.

and one day i will remember bro’s name.

karen and jeanine were there + i think im drinking with sk smith and dan tomorrow + and lunch with dirtyfez?

who i adore, who is wonderful, who is sexier than you know

play in her archives

read her get interviewed by sk smith

give her props

being able to marry a hot blonde supermodel?

no. no, there isnt.

especially when hes as black as can be. and especially when shes as white as can be.

what makes it so great is it wasnt all that long ago when a black man could barely look at a white girl here in america, let alone marry her, so congratulations on your engagement, seal, and heidi klum.

today at the xbi we had a suprise baby shower for a woman named heidi who everyone loves.

she walked into the meeting room and maybe 35 people were in there and we yelled suprise! which is a scary thing to do here cuz when you startle even the pregnant agents gunplay is sure to follow.

fortunately someone disarmed her before she was escorted to the conference room

the door flung open and she just backed away in tears.

so beautiful.

so sweet.

then we made her cut the cake for everyone.

me and john woo got her a $50 gift certificate for marie callanders cuz we figured that 6-7 pies while youre pregnant is a good gift for both mommy and baby, but what do we know.

while we were eating cake a hot chick told me that she liked my last post. shocked, because not many people at work know about this blog, i was all, huh

i have the worst memory

apparently she had told me a while ago that she read this thing. she refreshed my memory and told me that she too has a blog.

i was all, great, let me link it, thanks to mr stand by me trek i have hella hits happening me right now

she was all, nah, my thing is just a personal blog of blah blah blah today i went shopping.

i was all, dude, do you think the busblog is any different?

she was all, but you write so well.

flattery will get you everywhere

i gave her my cake and promised that id link her whenever she wanted.

its all i had to give, sadly.

laker girl photo essay starring seal from 2001 + kitty bukkake + mist

fuck you. this is why people steal.

there was nothing better last night than hearing the entire Orange Bowl boo ashlee simpson.

nobody cares that 3 million kids bought her cd. nobody cares that her sister is a baloney headed mostly hot bleach blonde. nobody cares that she actually sang this time.

boo.

and as much as that orange bowl crowd were booing her they were booing you. you who wouldnt know real music if it annulled your gay marriage.

you have done everything you could do for ashlee. you got her an mtv show that nobody liked. you got her on saturday night live which everyone loved because it showed her/you for what the industry is (fraudulent), and now you got her singing at halftime during the biggest college football game of the year.

youve done your job, youve moved your units

boo.

how about bringing the world what it wants. rock music. people who can sing. people who can play guitars. people who actually make music.

you dont think that if you got a real band a show on mtv that it would move some fucking units?

you dont think if you got that band on snl and they smashed their guitars and gangbanged horatio sans that it might increase sales?

you dont think if you got a true rock band on the 50 yard line during the BCS Bowl that the entire stadium would omg cheer?

fuck you record industry. purveyor of schmaltz. sugar pusher of audio cavities from spineless teensluts who DONT PUT OUT.

and three baggers like ashlee deserved to be booed until she gets it.

if there was a way to boo you, record industry trust us, we would.

and in hell you will be forced to listen to what you shat our way.

elgin roots + george must go + rock n roll n word

I wrote about this in my blog this weekend, but I thought it was interesting

enough to email you about.

My friend, Susannah, is putting together an art book about secrets and she

needs contributions. Surely, amidst all your travels, you must have a secret

or two that needs unburdening….

Fidel

++++++++

Dear Fidel,

the great thing about having a blog with a disclaimer like “nothing in here is true” is you can tell your secrets while hiding in plain sight.

no im not 111 years old (older), yes i work at the xbi.

yes i ride the bus to work, no im not as dashing in person as i appear in those photographs on fleshbot.

i will however tell you something entirely truthful that you may not know. im totally sentimental.

for example, i have been out of high school for some time now. i have moved from illinois to la to santa barbara back to la to frisco and then back to la and the whole time i took all of my high school yearbooks with me.

and then today, out of the blue, i get a cd in the mail.

i put it in my boombox but it wouldnt play, so i put it in the computer and it turned out it was a dvd!

and there on this very same computer monitor that i now type to you, i saw my high school years slo motion in front of me.

like most people, my high school years were incredibly awkward. i had zits, i was the only one of 4-5 black kids in the school, i was in marching band, but somehow i was reasonably popular. i was even the mc for the talent show.

but still, i have been back to illinois since high school a total of maybe five times total and im telling you, i graduated a loooooooooooooong time ago.

and ive never been to a reunion.

but after they showed a bunch of slideshows of pictures from the high school days – during which i automatically yelled out the names of people like OMG FRANK PASTORIO! and other random names that have never been forced to recall for ages, they all came flooding back to me.

and then i saw a picture of a girl who kissed me on the cheek once at the roller rink and i nearly fell over

chris resko.

and she looked awesome.

as did so many people.

and this fucking dvd went on for an hour. and i kept yelling out names and pointing at the screen and squinting at the nametags on pictures from reunions and i was all holy shit i Never met her or

holy fuck ROBBIE ROBINSON!

and the crazy thing is i never cry. maybe thats a secret. but i dont. the xbi rips that right outta you. but i had already cried once tonight before i even got to my mail.

and there i was with led zeppelin playing and then weezer and then the police

and i looked at the envelope and there was no return address and i looked back inside the cd case and there were no notes or leaflets. nothing.

but then at the verrry end there was a picture of the football hero and i believe a cheerleader – either a cheerleader or a pom pom girl – and she has his last name and it was they who put it together.

and man am i grateful.

in the hour of slide show pictures and film reels of the football team and the lancettes i appeared twice, my friend. yes.

i wont say our school was rich, but it certainly wasnt poor. so somehow even though we were in the suburbs of illinios, we had a ski club.

now there werent really any mountains anywhere near us. but there was michigan and michigan had these cliffs. so youd take your winter finals and there would be a bus waiting for you outside of school and youd get on the bus minutes after your test and theyd drive the ski club to michigan and we’d stay overnight(!) a few days in fucking michigan where the bus would drop you off and youd ski down the cliff and the lift would bring you back up top.

so one of the pics was of me on the ski club bus with my tongue sticking out cuz i cant believe how awesome it is that im going to michigan with tons of hot girls and close friends.

and the other picture was on graduation day with one of my best friends julie van who i loved very deeply all through school who i believe is married to a steer rancher or the governor or someone.

and one day later i would be in LA.

and when i left illinois i never really looked back.

until tonight

as nelly played and then ac/dc

tom waits

and rush.

and if they can sucker monica troesken to go to our next one, i’ll be there.

cuz finally i look half as good as those motherfuckers.

rick abbott + zulieka + splinky

im not a huge fan of Blog awards. probably cuz i never win. and also probably because theyre glorified popularity contests.

with that said, i am always thrilled to be nominated, as cheesy as that sounds.

to be nominated, as i currently am, alongside Mr. Wil Wheaton, Dooce, Zach Braf, and Real Live Preacher (and others who i am unfamiliar with) is a huge honor. especially in the category of “Best Big-Name Blog”.

(until i break the technorati top 100 i will have a hard time considering myself a big-named blogger.)

anyway, a dear reader suggested that i let everyone know that i am nominated for a BOB

and another reader asked me to let people know that i can be nominated for the 2005 Bloggies

and you know i love to fulfil requests when ever possible.

if i do win, all prizes, monies, backrubs will be donated to charity, so vote or dont vote, all that matters to me is that you, the reader, are happy with what you see on this blog every day. to me thats recognition enough.

Tsar plays tomorrow night at King King in Hollywood in Hollywood Blvd near highland

blogging will be light today as i am about to go to the dentist for some major work guaranteed to make me look like less of a dope