John Kerry on the Daily Show

comedy central, 8/24/04

i’ll admit im a ignorant blowhard at times. a jackhole who talks out of his ass. a beligerant predictable fool who knows as much about politics as macrobiotics, but i can tell the difference between a retard and a dullard

and so can america.

the interesting thing is how much of this country backs the tard no matter what just because he’s wearing their gang colors.

i feel about george w. bush the exact same way that i feel about sammy hagar in van halen:

i realize some of you fucking frat boys just need someone to nod your head to, but this isnt even good.

know that every time you tell me that george bush deserves four more years running this country, all i hear is “sammy haggar deserves to make four more records with van halen.”

and i want to slap you.

and it makes me know that you’re high on something.

and then i become jealous.

and then i want to slap you.

john kerry was on the daily show last night and the man is no clinton.

hes stiff, hes softspoken, hes awkward, he sounds like someones dad, he looks like he’s gonna fart any second, and the pressure of possibly losing to one of the dumbest and least-successful presidents of all time has got to be a motherfucker.

id suggest that the dude lighten up, but the scary thing is i think he is lightened up.

which isnt that scary, really. call me crazy but i think i could deal with eight years of a boring serious dude who isnt in bed with the saudis. i think i can live with the price of ketchup going up the way oil has under the bushes for example.

everyone is all, fuck the medals fuck the national guard records fuck nam and cambodia, lets talk about the real issues.

fine then

gasoline is a real issue that pretty much everyone who doesnt ride the bus has to deal with.

gasoline is so fucking high that when it drops to $1.89 people are all “whooo-hooo, lucky day!”

its almost as though people know that when your president’s family are oil people then you’re gonna get screwed at the pump when hes in office.

its almost as though it went up and up and up until people almost couldnt stand it and then it sank down to a reasonable gauge that people dont even murmer about and thats where it stays.

john kerry was on the daily show last night and he was pretty dull. he tried to laugh at the very funny john stewart but he was obviously afraid that if he did he’d fart and he didnt want that.

stewart knew that he would ramble into his stump-points and the following exchange took place:

STEWART:

Now how– how are you holding up? This has been a– it’s been a rough couple weeks. I’ve been following– I watch a lot of the cable news shows. So I understand that apparently you were never in Vietnam. (LAUGHTER)

KERRY:

(LAUGHTER) That’s what I understand, too. But I– I’m trying to find out what happened.

STEWART:

Exactly. It’s nice, though. I know– 35 years ago I have friends that have come forward and say– you did have cooties. You know, that sort of thing. (LAUGHTER) Is it– do you– do you– is it hard not to take it personally?

Is it a difficult thing not to take personally when– when they come out and– and your word, it’s– it’s in the public files. So–

JOHN KERRY:

You know what it is, Jon? It– it– it’s disappointing because I think most Americans would like to have a much more intelligent conversation about where the country’s going. And– (APPLAUSE) yeah, I think that– you know, and– and, yeah, it’s a little bit disappointing. But believe it or not, I’ve been through worse. (LAUGHTER)

STEWART:

Right. I– I can imagine. When– when– these guys– were you surprised at all that–

KERRY:

No.

STEWART:

–they– that they– that they–

KERRY:

Sure I’m surprised. But surprised in a sense. But now that I begin to see the web and the network, I’m not surprised. I think– you know, it’s politics. And for whatever reasons, the– the– and I think Americans will discover it as we go forward in the next four or five weeks, George Bush doesn’t wanna talk about the real issues. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Come out and say we lost 1.8 million jobs?

Four million Americans lost their healthcare. We’re going backwards on the environment. We– angered everybody in the world.

STEWART:

Sir, I’m sorry. Were you or were you not in Cambodia on Christmas Eve? (LAUGHTER) They said– you said five miles. They said three. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) No, I– I think that’s a very interesting

it was very funny.

thing was, what started as a joke (Stewart sarcasticaly ambushing Kerry with the question of the day) actually could have been journalism if Stewart had waited a tick.

but because it was a comedy show, when the president didnt have a snappy, funny comeback (or for that matter even sense the humor and sarcasm) jon stewart bailed the nominee out.

theres no question that sen. kerry appeared on the show because it would be a softball appearance the same way the president and the first lady were on larry king, a way to get on national tv in a cozy warm-fuzzy manner.

not only did stewart miss a great opportunity by letting kerry answer the question, but the would-be president missed a greater opportunity by not having an answer ready for a sure fire slam dunk in such a friendly confine as the daily show.

but this is a man who isnt quick on his feet like bill clinton

and knows that theres a time and a place for everything

and i would wager that even if kerry did have a good comeback, it would be in his best interest to keep it in his pocket until the proper time and place,

because if the bush administration thinks that the best way to convince people that america needs george bush is to focus on john kerry’s vietnam record

then it’s in john kerrys best interest to make them feel comfortable in their lunacy.

im ready for eight years of a boring steady safe chunk of rational leadership.

which would lead nicely to a hilary/barrack ticket sure to bring back the drama that we would yearn for.

complete trascript via wonkette

you know that youre on vacation when you can type that without a care in the world.

i am starting to see that this is the way civilized man lives.

stay up all night, wake up late. roam around. enjoy all the room on the busses in the afternoon.

smile at everyone else who isnt working.

this is how it should be done.

i worked in the morning on the photo essay, i worked when i got home. i would call that contributing to society.

way more than whoever the fuck makes marmaduke.

everythings marketing.

in the mail today i got a post card from ms raymi the minx.

i also got some art from an anonymous sender

im pretty sure i know who it is.

i procrastinated a lot on that photo essay.

i thought this morning i was gonna have it done but when i came home i worked like a good 3-4 more hours on it. so many pictures to go through. then you have to optimize them. yes, those are optimized. still huge, i know.

bought a lottery ticket with four quarters.

seventy five million dollars what the jackpot is.

i would go to the bank and get bag fulls of $2 bills, and i would walk down the street and ask people if i could give them a $2 bill for a picture.

and then i would take their picture and i would put it on my blog.

i would then collect the best pictures and make a photo book and sell the book with the proceeds going to charity, etc.

why didnt the cubs get larry walker?

i almost saw a movie today.

called miss montreal like four times but she had left her phone at home.

my entire childhood would have been different if i had had a cell phone.

or a blog for that matter.

five twenty one am. this is why the good lord doesnt let me stay up this late.

saw this deaf couple yell at each other today because a guy in a wheelchair was trying to get around one of them.

the one who understood kept waving his arms around

but the other one wasnt looking

and the wheelchair guy had his hand on the joystick waiting to push forward but the opening wasnt coming.

i sat there listening to duke ellington on my ipod completely spaced out to the universe

just laying back cuz my stop isnt for a good three stops.

and what the hell am i gonna say to a deaf lady.

my post on metafilter + got discussed on metatalk, the politics are fascinating but it all leads to a clean and reliable discussion group + roger avery, quentin t.’s cowriter on pulp fiction says q isnt blogging here + layne says its real

53-page photo essay of love

vincent gallo is the man. people think i work at this tv station but i dont. one of my best friends works there and i used to hang out there a lot. once he showed me this long rant that vincent went on about mickey rourke and all these other actors. he basically called all these other actors fakers except for rourke.

im the biggest faker there is. this chick asked me about this blog the other day and said that she read in an interview where i said that i hold back a lot. i said, yes i do. i self edit like mad. theres a damn muzzle on this thing. shes was all, i would never know. i said its sad and true. she said then let go let it out and i said do you really want to read 20 posts about baseball? fantasy baseball? followed by 20 posts about fucking two mexican girls, one of whom translates this blog and puts it on her livejournal page.

the girl said i would skip over the baseball stuff. i said everyone would skip over all the stuff and if i ever wanted to get hired by anyone one day they would think i was a mad man.

when in chimed her sister who said, yeah when i found out i was going to meet you i thought you were going to be this pissed off angry bastard with a chip on his shoulder, but youre so mellow. soooooo mellow.

which i am. so i told her thats why you have to be careful about what you read and how you read it.

what are the agendas of the writers. whats going on for them. what are they selling. what ideas are they trying to shove down your throats.

the one said the la times doesnt have an agenda.

and i laughed so hard the horn section of the mariachi band asked me to take it down a notch.

today i took a bus through beverly hills. i was to have a root canal. my dentist had referred me to this guy who was two blocks away from rodeo drive. the strangest thoughts were going through my head. fine way to break out of being a cheapskate finding the Most expensive specialist you could probably ever get caught up with?

he sat me in the chair, took an xray and told me to come back on friday cuz we had gotten a “late start”. the dude was super tanned and had bright white teeth.

a slight massachussettes accent.

afterwards i sat in the jack in the box on fairfax and edited something that i want to publish and i was shocked at how much it didnt suck.

and one day i will have the courage of anti and gallo and raymi and bukowski.

does quentin tarantino have a blogspot blog? (buzzmachine via adrants)

happy birthday baby.

i started blogging almost exactly three years ago.

i had what i thought was a great website, but nobody was reading it.

alot of the more interesting pages that i was seeing on the web were blogs written by cam girls like nay, chelle, mindy, and frosty.

even though i had way more happening on my web page, unless i had a blog that sorta looked like a blog, i wasnt going to be taken seriously. it was weird and i didnt want to start one.

my first blog post in july of 2001 was a thumbnail of what was on my main page, as were the next half dozen.

by august i still wasnt that into blogging. just write? how simple. what about design and technique and creativity and photography and photoshopary and big full screenery? who wants to just read words on a friggin page?

Thursday, August 02, 2001

i know i havent updated my blog recently.

i have a love/hate relationship with my blog.

except not a lot of love.

oh well.

hi.

Friday, August 03, 2001

hi blog. i still dont like you.

last night karisa danced with hef and his ten girlfriends.

she said he danced a lot. she was impressed.

tonight we’re going to the Cubs/Dodgers game.

kerry wood versus chan ho park.

i think we have front row tickets.

who would have thought after reading that lame start that i would not only like my blog, but love it? certainly not me.

but then a very strange thing happened in september of 2001.

hank the angry

drunken

dwarf

died.

it was then i knew that i had to take control of my own life. short as it was, life wasnt going to just roll with me, i had to roll with it, and if blogs were what the kids wanted to read, and if i wanted to get read, then a blog i needed.

since then its been nothing but money bitches and problemz.

my biggest problem is that i love my phone number and the phone wont stop ringing. a normal person would just change it but i refuse to give in to people i dont even know.

the other problem is all the email i get. damn you blogger!

and then of course there is the addiction. terrible addiction. like a bottomless pit of hawaiian punch with a perfectly cold ladle. every time you walk past that pit a deep sip from the ladle is irresistable.

since i started my blog, it’s true, i had a secret Open Diary blog. it was easy to be kept secret because Google didnt spider it. if i was Blogger i think it would be real nice to offer the No-Spider feature on “private” blogs.

some of my favorite bloggers continually write cryptically so as to avoid the all-too-accurate bots at Google, and how liberating the writing would get for those authors who have things to say but wont say it because of the nature of the beast.

over the years i have met lots of people because of blogger, i have found myself in ridiculously fun places because of blogger,

and its kept this brotha off the streets.

for those reasons i remain loyal. i know about the other software deals out there. some of my best friends use them. even the instapundit bailed after mooching free bandwidth from blogspot as he became famous.

but i have always believed that people give reward the wrong people when they jump ship for the newest sparkley thingamabob when the old thingamabob works just fine.

take it from me, a man who rides the bus in la

and then blogs about it.

happy birthday blogger.com

my favorite web-based publishing solution of all time.

congrats ev, jason, jason, jason, eric, biz, kimmy, graham & steve

at the sunset junction street and art fair, my favorite gathering of the year.

its located about ten steps from my front door and yet on saturday i sorta milled around and contemplated entrance and then chose to go home and have phone sex with a college girl instead.

what are you wearing, she asked.

flippers and a snorkling mask, i said all sexy-like.

anything else? she giggled.

a diamond pinky ring, tommy pajama bottoms, and a dirty smile.

juilette lewis very well could have been the nasty talking girl on the other end of the line the other night.

she and her band the Licks took the stage on sunset blvd sunday and made sure the sabbath was kept holy.

it was full throttle punk rock. the kind that pj harvey and that chick from the yeah yeah yeahs have been trying to bring back.

big. yeller. different.

she dressed great, she sang great. the songs were unique and raw and emotional and rocking.

she blew everyones minds who were just there to see the movie actress make a fool of her self. but it was we who were made the fools of for we were the fakers the hipsters, we were the ones who money could buy. not her.

she crawled around the ground but not for show. cuz she was horny. she licked at the guitar players guitar not to tip the hat of david lee roth but because she should have licked that guitar.

she bent her back and stuck her ass out cuz she has a nice ass and a curvy back.

she danced around and whipped her hair with her arms out like the polyphonic spree on speed cuz it was a weekend in hollywood and we were alive but she was fucking on fire.

made me forget all about the fact that the night before karisa was partying with the donnas blocks away from the xbi and she was too drunk to call me even though my number is the easiest in the book.

tonight i will put up a photo essay.

now i will get an angus burger and pick up some pornography that the phone sexer sent me via federal express.

im on vacation and the days melt like chocolate.

kitty bukkake was there + as was mc brown + licks mp3s are here

via DU questions the president’s medals

half of which might not even be his

and the lack of two medals might be further proof that the dubya didn’t fulfill his duty in the national guard.

Kerry:

Silver Star (Verified via DD214)

Bronze Star (Should have Bronze Combat “V” Device, Verified via DD214)

Purple Heart (Should have two Gold Star devices for subsequent awards, Verified via DD214)

Combat Action Ribbon (Verified via DD214)

Presidential Unit Citation (Verified via DD215, worn above left pocket per Navy regs)

Navy Unit Commendation (Verified via DD215)

National Defense Service Medal (Verified via DD214)

Vietnam Service Medal(Verified via DD214, w/four bronze star devices verified via DD215)

Republic of Vietnam Gallantry Cross Unit Citation (Verified via DD215)

Republic of Vietnam Civil Actions Unit Citation (Verified via DD215)

Republic of Vietnam Campaign Medal (Verified via DD215)

Dubya:

Air Force Outstanding Unit Award (verified via photograph only)

Small Arms Expert Marksmanship Ribbon

kos + democratic underground + buzzmachine + kerry & bush’s military records side-by-side

raymi explains blogging

on video

hi tony, what are you going to do with me?

im not gonna go to work thats for damn sure.

i know but are we going to go to some far off isle or swimming or camping or exploring or touristing?

uh

are we going to go to canada where because of the terrorists the price of weed has dropped significantly because they have a hard time sneaking it across the border and therefore theres far too much supply and not enough demand

uh

are we going to go to new york city and blog about the rnc convention, and see first hand if indeed our president is a retard, im sure you could get credentials, youre tony pierce, this is the busblog!

uh

are we going to go to chicago and watch the cubs on their march to their first world series championship since 1908

cubs are out of town

are we going to go to where the cubs are?

uh

are we going to go to a movie every day during your vacation and review them all?

uh

are we going to get laid on venice beach by a new tourist chick each day?

we?

are you going to start a novel?

uh

are you going to campaign to get your link higher on the google search for the word tony?

oh hells yeah.

are you going to have guest bloggers fill in for you while you rest your sore hands?

my hands arent sore.

are you going to shoot pool with flagrant at yankee doodles on the promenade?

hahaha!

are you going to go to vegas and live a week of sin followed by salvation?

uh.

please dont tell me that youre just going to sit around your house with a bottle of rum and watch tv and waste your vacation reading all the blogs on the innernet

i plan on having more than one bottle of rum

i hate you.

i will be hanging out with karisa today at sunset junction, like last year.

i love you.

you should.

when tsar played sunset junction + when sonic youth played sunset junction + mc brown’s pics from 2002

a man was fired from his job after heckling bush at a rally

what its like to work at mcdonalds

john kerry releases a video clip reminding people that this isnt the first time george bush hid behind a fringe veterans group to tarnish his opponent’s unimpeachable miltary record.

lightening struck the hell out of vegas

a pretty damn good post from someone who then didnt post again for a few weeks

king benny has mixed feelings about the busblog, but mostly good i think

tim blair met the instapundit

flagrant wrote an incredibly happy and optimistic post. i hope it wasnt written by a ghost writer.

raymi linked to me

linda had a really good week of posts, mostly about being a prison guard

25 bush flip flops

sk smith was obviously confused by my poor writing, i meant, write about things that are scary (aka embarrasing, secret-ish, revealing, risky, frank) when you cant think of anything to write.

google ipo’ed at 100 and has already begun its climb.

the busblog turned three years old.

teera met napolean dynomite

texas man released after spending 42 years in jail for a crime he didnt do. he was released when it was discovered that his fingers were cracked in the doors of a cell in order to make him confess. he escaped several times and his wife was given six years after trying to sneak a saw into a prison in order to help him break out.

matt welch is no longer an assclown?

the beverly connection amc theatres closed. i saw 8 mile there and jeepers creepers. they should have turned it into a $2 theatre now that the new beverly is full price again. i blame the archlight for the competition and thus closure of this theatre more than the grove. and that weird strip mall is amazingly ghetto from being right across the street from one of the classiest malls in america.

gorilla mask mysteriously disappeared