what if my favorite song of the year is by taylor swift

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does that make me the 16 yr old girl matt welch says ive been my whole life

i also like the video

my mom doesnt like taylor, or rihanna, or the xbi, or the legalization of 420, or that ive been spending a lot of time south of the 10

but i think deep down shes glad that im doing all these things for the right reasons

and most of it is based in the bible, which she indirectly got me into by never forcing it on me

amber says that her heroes include michelle obama, lady gaga and my mom

how nice is that.

tonight the brothers steve play and ive got hella work to do but i will see them because like taylor swift

theres something about music that just touches my spirit and does something weird to it

how does that work

is it the Lord

is that why he said for us to make a joyful noise?

is that why the caged bird sings?

is that why Angus and Neil and Tom Waits and Ozzy have lived such long, glorious lives

because rock and roll will never die

because it’s holy?

do kids slow dance at dances any more?

if i was in 8th grade i would want this to come on for the slow dance

and id find the prettiest girl in class and be all

wanna dance

and all her friends would go oooooooooo

tony what if it doesnt get better

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then it doesnt.

but it does.

it always does.

and always will.

if you think things that are negative

it just means that yr in the middle

of IT

and the middle of it sucks.

so what yr seeing isnt it

it’s just the middle passage

the part where weird stuff happens

which is also the part

where change occurs

growth

magic

transformation

revitalization

rehabilitation

extraordination

your beginning the beguine, cole

yr taking em to the bridge, john paul

im reading the edward snowden book right now. he’s such a smart guy. it’s hard to tell what happened it’s so early in the book but he just mentioned something that i have mentioned here before.

he is talking about how Super Mario Bros taught him so much about life.

i feel the exact same way.

and whats weird about that game is i never owned it.

i was in college when it came out and we were living a block from the beach, classes were incredible, i had a radio show, i was in the newspaper every day,

the streets were literally crawling with the prettiest girls you could imagine

bands were playing on rooftops, in back yards, in front yards, in barns

i had no need or time for a video game, but there it was in my house that i shared with several others

and despite the fact that i was studying zen, romantic poets, the old testament, and milton

while reading every bukowski i could find in the library on the side

there was super mario brothers with its little 8 bit music and the shittiest controller in history

and it was teaching me everything:

life is a dance

watch out for the bosses

shit gets real, then it gets easier, then it gets harder

everything you’re doing is for a woman, so enjoy the journey

might as well jump

but it also taught me that every day that you learn something will help you in your battles tomorrow.

because as random as life is, there are patterns, learn them.

experiment with who you think you are.

everything is relative to how you approach things.

and also: time is not on your side.

so, hustle.

snowden mostly focused on that last part. time. that time is short.

thus, when you feel like you should act, maybe you should.

i know ive been old my whole life but

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at my age theres a few reasons to do things

for the love, for the money

or because it freaks you out.

in eight hours im interviewing someone im nervous about.

ive read all his q&a’s, seen his video chats, looked through all of his social media.

and still i feel unprepared.

nardwaur the human serviette is the king of preparedness for interviews

and i think i have an idea of where i wanna take this, but the best conversations are just that

so you dont wanna have an agenda, you want to be able to flow with it.

the other day i interviewed another guy who i was intimidated by, and i think i scared him too.

there were a few questions he didnt wanna answer and i dont blame him.

ive always felt that life is like a pinball machine, it’s good to tilt every now and then

so you know how much play you got.

the worst thing they could do is hang up.

which reminds me of my favorite thing i ever read in SPIN

Exclusive interview with Johnny Rotten

{ring, ring}

Hello?

Hi Johnny, it’s Spin.

{click}

The crazy thing is, this guy is super mellow from what I can tell. And what I have to start off talking with him about is totally current and sorta newsworthy.

but still,

what if

 

 

what if.

 

i guess im snot an influencer

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now that i have this job ive been getting fun little offers to try things

the first was this thing down in orange county.

i forget what they wanted me to see but i nearly did it because it included a free uber ride back and forth

and i wanted to interview the driver down and the driver back up

cuz how often would you be able to interview someone for 45 minutes to an hour who couldnt stop the interview?

a total stranger.

also i wanted them to have a good ride for the day.

but i was busy and couldnt do it.

then yesterday a company invited me to a tequila tasting from 1pm – 3pm over by Dodger Stadium

also free uber.

but i have so much to do today i couldnt really justify being drunk / buzzed in the middle of the day and probably taking a nap at 5pm

id never make it as an influencer at this age

you know how many things ive drank, ate, kissed, hugged, barfed, boned, and pooped?

all the things.

whats this tequila gonna do for me?

its gonna ruin my day probs. not make it.

also im addicted to the new taylor swift album so

i had my 10th carls jr beyond meat burger last night

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i was reading exodus tonight for busblog bible study.

this is why i get all the chicks, fyi.

and old moses is telling pharaoh to let his people go an pharoah is all pound sand hebrew

it’s an interesting dance of pharaoh wanting to let them go because moses is just fucking egypt up with blood in nile which kilt the fish and the dead fish were all stinky

or frogs everywhere, even in the ovens

then all these fucking flies swarming everywhere

which i gotta say is a wickedly creative plague to sick on someone because it doesn’t matter if youre rich of poor, a swarm of flies is gonna ruin your day

but pharoah wants to be cool to moses but God keeps hardening pharoahs heart

which got me thinking this

what if the mean girls in the cafeteria dont wanna be mean but their hearts are being hardend

so you’ll have a reason to perform a magic trick.

which will free your people.

your sweet friends who have it hard enough trying to make bricks in the hot sun, but then taskmaster is like ok now do it with no straw.

your amigos cant even express their religion properly because one of the things the jews did back then

is they liked to sacrifice white cows.

egyptians were like wtf, none of that! even though they had no problem being dick masters to human slaves, they drew the line in regards to killing certain animals and one of them was the super rare white cow.

meanwhile, Moses’ buds liked to sacrifice white cows Because they were rare and were saying to God, we love you so much we will give this to you because its the best and weirdest and coolest and most beautifulest and killer cow – and it’s yours because you deserve the best.

like you and me, Moses loved his friends so much he forgot he had stagefright and was softspoken and not as handsome as his brother Aaron, he just went up to pharoah and said dont make me put boils all over you AND your magicians,  cuz i will if you dont let em go, and i will take delight watching these boils fester and make baby boils on top of the boils.

inspiration can come from many things. revenge is one.

love is another.

and harder.

i think thats the lesson of exodus.

LA is burning about 20 miles north

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maybe 15, who knows. but i can smell it and my nose is irritated so ive been blowing it

its sorta too bad i wasn’t a dad because i can tell

easily

if someone had been smoking in a house. perfectly.

YOU GIRLS COME DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE

what daaaaaaaad? 

I’m going to smell your fingers! Someone has been smoking?

OMG gross much? Geeze! 

Oh I’ll show you gross, young lady. I’ve got a half a bean burrito in me itching to fumigate this villa. Now tell me who has been smoking!

this week i was a busy body. and all of it made me feel so thankful that i was raised by a woman who was not mentally ill or violent or crazy or mean.

i interviewed an amazing doctor who taught me about violent criminals whose psychosis was triggered by this or that. we talked about the Joker movie and how she would have treated him. we talked about Kanye and Britney and racism and DNA and the holocaust

and it was all the things i always wanted to do at the previous gigs but for some reason i was not trusted or the bosses felt weird or… whatever. it never happened and now it is and i feel so liberated and vindicated because these stories are being so well received and i wanna rent a hot air balloon that says Told Ya on it, and shower the globe with marshmallows.

why those? who knows. who cares. cuz it would be funny. and it wouldnt hurt anyone. just like me.

then i did a bunch of editing and researching for stuff coming down the pike.

then yesterday i went to Compton and Inglewood and ALSO did stuff ive been dying to do: talk to THE CENTER of LA about something of global importance: the impeachment of the POTUS.

and when you pitch ideas in the real world, so often they are shot down before you can get out of the room. “come on tony, what do you Think those people are gonna say?”

we dont know. we never know. did we think Reagan would trade arms for hostages? did we think Bush 1 would puke at a dinner? did we think Clinton would turn a giant deficit into a giant surplus? did we think the GOP would be totally cool with a US president being super chummy with the Russians? did we think a bunch of GOP senators would fly to Russia on the 4th of July and come back and lie about it?

if people are anything they’re unpredictable AF. which is why i love them. which is why i ask them the most basic questions and often i am rewarded with surprising answers.

just like i was treated to in Compton and Inglewood where a young black lady said she thinks Trump is bad but Pence would be worse, so no. And an old black man said he likes Trump for a variety of reasons but he cant get too into it because his gf would get pissed at him. which is REAL, grampa!

 

saw the joker and i nodded off a few times

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totally fell asleep during ad astra too.

heres why.

i have a dream job right now for me.

and im doing all i can because its like being on Supermarket Sweep

if you could keep everything, and you knew where everything was,

and everyone else is just running around putting 2 hams in there and some boxes of cereal.

PUT FIVE HAMS IN THERE FOOL!

i stayed awake for most of Joker but my body was all, oh we get to rest right now? good. zzzz.

and i’ll see it again because there were lots of it that i liked, the cinematography, the direction

the score. omg the fucking score. so good.

and sure Joaquin was great. he’s always great. crazy people make perfect musicians and actors.

artists probs too, who knows.

but if i had directed him in this i would have turned the dial down, like a lot.

a scary loud person is scary, but a scary quiet person

or better yet, one with dynamics,

now that can be terrifying.

let him snap a few times.

nirvana learned from the pixies who learned it from babies: LOUD quiet LOUD.

let your character be happy and free and Loud. then break him. quiet.

quieter still.

and then a LOUD breakthrough happens. and if it’s an anti hero like Joker

you can either make him loud loud loud like lots of people do

or you can make him manic and unpredictable.

the easiest pitch to fool a batter on is a changeup.

everything a professional hitter learns on his climb to the big leagues is how to hit the fastball,

so throw him 5 or six of them

and then plop that slowball at him and watch him land on his ass.

a quiet plotting, sinister laugh is better than a booming one

although to be honest his laughter was really great.

joaquin is a dream and we should feel lucky to have him,

which is why i’ll see this again.

when maybe im used to this gig a lil more.

do you know i love you? sure, but *do* you?

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i do.

it may not feel that way if you judge the number of times i write in the world famous, but trust me, that’s no way to measure any of this

ive been writing like a dog on Los Angeleno. did you know dogs can write? Woof!

because i dont think my mom has bookmarked where my new stuff is, i will link to it now

Famous Silver Lake Foot Sign Saved from Thieves by Los Feliz Store Owner

Happy Foot Doctor Reunites with Nearly-Stolen Sign

Despite AB 5, Uber Drivers Would Rather Quit Than Be Employees

What It Was Like to Work at Popeyes During the Chicken Sandwich Frenzy

Trojans Continue Unsafe Vaping Habits Despite Recent Warnings

is that all i’ve done? i’m so exhausted i feel like ive done more. oh well. i got another coming out tomorrow about living on Obama Blvd. ive been doing the social over there too. going to meetings. meeting the people. meeting the readers happens this week too. so much.

driving a lot. here, there, south central, the valley. my interior door handle broke. it’s just flaccid. i have to roll the window down, unlock the door, then open the door, then roll up the window, then turn off the car. then shut the door.

need to go to the shop, but when you drive a Benz you’re all, damn Klaus, how much is this gonna cost me? so i just go through the little window ballet. im not complaining.

actually i am, about the firing of Joe Maddon, the Cubs manager. the guy who won us the world series after 108 years.

im particularily mad because i see myself in him a little tiny bit. i too feel like i have been let go from gigs after accomplishing the miraculous and then as soon as it’s time to re-up they show you the door. Joe Maddon deserves a statue at Wrigley, not a kick in the pants. it tore me up yesterday when he was shown the door.

he shoulda said sorry i didnt win the world series for you year after year. sorry i only broke a hundred year drought. sorry i treated everyone with class and answered every question, and injected fun and playfulness and love to this craziness.

as drake says these hos aint loyal

and you know shits fucked when im quoting the champagne papi.

anyways, i wouldnt do you like that at zankou chicken.

omg im so happy

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worked so hard. did the things in the daytime. did some phone things.

was able to walk around the neighborhood during some of the phone things cuz i gotta get in my steps.

still had time to procrastinate a good deal before i finished the last 2/3rds of my super giant piece. the longest, most epic piece about a chicken sandwich that you’ll ever see, but i finished it, i learned how to get into the CMS, i put it in there, hit draft and

could not believe that it was done, and it was funny, and it was real and it was me me me.

the first thing i did there was fun and punny and sorta great. but then i struggled, which hurt my confidence and slowed me down on this one. i have limited attention span for these things. i wanna talk to the people, get it down and go on to the next thing. if i feel bored with it then thats what will come out.

but this puppy. once i got going again tonight. once i turned off facebook and trump and blocked out all the distractions, good shit happened. and i was laughing. i totally forgot that i laugh when i write. had it been that long?

the key, for me, at least, is talk to lots of people and ask all the questions. and laugh during that part too.

i am so blessed to be doing this. especially now. particularly with and for these people.

God is good.