in isla vista. the first one was a summer sublet with matty t. he had some wheels of steel that he let me screw around with and i learned right away that id never be a sweet dj.

then we moved to 6509 madrid, which is frozen in my memory because it was the tiniest apartment you’ll ever see, but it was so bursting with love it seemed huge. we lived there for a year and then moved two doors over to where greg vaine used to live. the same apartment that housed many a hootenanny, and the very one where mc brown and mc peace rapped to barbara uehling, the chancelor of our university.

one of my neighbors was a long haired rich kid who drove a mercedes and had one of the hottest women ive ever seen as his girlfriend. his name was tim and he was a great friend and perfect neighbor. i ended up buying life insurance from his father, who didnt know that even back then i was in the xbi, and actually needed a good life insurance plan

i hadnt talked to timmy since i lived in frisco with chris, so it was good to catch up a little.

right in the middle of it all i got a phone call from toronto’s own raymi the minx, so i had to tell my long lost pal that id call him back.

the details of the conversation with raymi, unfortunately, were completely off the record, but i can say this, the white sands of maui are doing wonders for our neighbour from the north.

she said aboot and i was all, a-what? and then she said it american and i was a little bummed.

one day soon i will get to meet her, im hoping, and i can ask her all about rush and triumph and michael j fox and especially pamela anderson and strange brew and celine dion and tommy chong.

and of course about her.

i do have a weird life. i guess im starting to realize that. but i dont understand why its like this because as soon as im done with work

i either go home into the hollywood hills, or out to malibu to lay in the sand.

im not out clubbing like karisa, or being rock stars like tsar, moving to reno like ken, or interviewing dirrty princesses like kate sullivan.

i watch baseball via satelite and this shit happens to me.

i am a victim i tell you, a victim.

and i did remember to call timmy back cuz he’s my bro.

piker + mondoego + chinomikan + hilton sisters

im eating like a pig and chris told me that i looked skinnier and whatshername said i look skinnier and i have been pretty good about just water or diet pepsi at work and im making my own lunch.

ever since me and chris broke up i have been fascinated by animal magnetism.

in sports they call it chemistry.

sometimes there becomes conflict when someone who you are mentally physically and emotionally attracted to, and animally magnetized to, does some fucked up shit that pushes you away.

then somehow they become very far away. then they get very very close, physically. then feelings return.

and then your astrology becomes realized and you want to cry.

cuz you miss her.

and she feels good when you hold her.

and your sorry that you heard her cry on the phone the other day. since what she had to say was so nice.

the balls in your court they say. but the balls always in my court.

i dont want to make the wrong desicion. weight of the world. wait.

when i lived in san francisco i didnt live on haight street for the first two years that i was there.

then when i did i thought, why the hell didnt i live here on day one.

my astrology this week tells me to go for the things that i really want.

not really want, but really really want.

no more bullshitting.

and there are two things that i know i really really want.

one of them i know i cant get cuz even though i would be perfect, well, sometimes, kids, you dont get it anyway.

im not going to get that one.

the other one i could probably get.

and yet neither of those is what i want most of all.

and that is to write really well, on my blog

every damn day.

to all of you.

treacher + vote for dc’s bikini girl + anti with the fisheye

karisa is one of my best advisors.

she thinks that i should date more girls here at the agency since she hears me talk about them a bunch, and because then i wouldnt have to keep what we do here so hush hush. she thinks that if something ever got leaked out to the wrong person it could be trouble for the whole agency.

her beliefs are pretty much shared by everyone at the xbi. in fact, this is one of the few companies that ive worked for that not only allows fraternization, but encourages it.

we have beers in every fridge. sexual harrasment rules are completely ignored. we even had a sadie hawkins dance last summer and i cant wait for this years one.

any time i go out on a date with someone who reads the busblog they always ask me how old i am. sometimes repeatedly. i think its because i look old in my pics, and i look younger in person.

usually i stick with the tried and true, 109 years old.

most of the girls are a little more persistant. i told one of them if she got naked i would consider telling her my real age.

poof, she was naked.

quite a shock for the people in front of the Orange Julius where we were enjoying our Hot Sams pretzels.

yes, i like to take my lady friends to malls. shut up. theres a lot you can learn about a woman while you window shop with her.

i like to date girls who read my blog because i think its good for someone to know how you think. especially if how you think is different than a lot of the other people walking this crust. not that i think different in a good way different. but it is different.

for example, if someone has their heart in the right place, and theyre coming from a place of courage and trust, theres no way i would ever judge them. so when that girl was back at my house and got naked there, i didnt judge her for how her body looked, etc. if anything her body looked even more beautiful to me because she had less hang ups about it than i do about mine.

im not entirely sure that a lot of other men feel that way. not that im judging my brethren either. im just saying.

have you seen the new J.Lo video? the one where she pays tribute to Flashdance.

the video should be called Assdance because we see more of J.Lo’s famous rear than ever before. and i dont know if it has always been that different than your typical movie star / singer / uber-celeb, but it’s definatetly out there. and to me, i say rock on to J.Lo for having the guts to say, this is me, fuck you if you cant deal with it.

madonna, however, loses points to me this week, by watering down her anti-war video “American Life” which will debut today on MTV.

since when cant we as Americans put out a anti-war video whenever we damn well choose? and tell me when is there a better time to put out an anti-war video than during a so-called war?

the myopic view that supporting the troops is mutually exclusive from not supporting a war is retarded.

and its hella retarded to change a music video because a handful of flag wavers get their feelings hurt that you dont agree with them.

this doesnt mean that i dont still think that madonna is hot, but she used to be the epitome of courage.

now that she actually has something to lose, it’s disappointing that she has erred on the side of conservatism.

therefore i will not be dating her any time soon.

moxie

be prepared for massive laker coverage.

since the lakers are going to go back-to-back-to-back-to-back i figured that all you good people would like to know what its like to live in a championship city, pretty much at ground zero.

last night when chris and i were doing my laundry both of the televisions were set to the laker+warrior game. one of the beautiful things about sport is it transcends culture, language, status and economics.

there we were folding my cubs shirts and you could hear all these people in all their little accents clapping and cheering and talking to the tv.

kobe, no more mistakes-uh.

im no good at accents.

laker all the way.

sacramento dont have skill to beat shaq kobe and laker, my friend.

the owner of the laundrymat was sitting on an unused washer and pulled up a chair for an older man who appeared to be from ethiopia. several latin gentlemen folding their soccer shirts clapped when someone made a special play.

chris, because shes the greatest, cheered along.

shes a hot babe with curves who will girlwatch with you and watch every second of a basketball game with you as you wash your clothes. how does it get any better than that?

my only fear for the defending champs was Dallas. but now that michael finley is hurt they only have to worry about dirk, nick van smack, and steve nash. however if they want to hack-a-shaq theyve got some pretty big guys in the 7’6″ shawn bradley and the 7″ raef la frenz.

to be honest, i have no idea how the Lakers have made it this far with really just two players.

so you really have to give a lot of credit to the coach.

and, of course, the laker girls.

beck + spybabe

chris called me and told me that she was picking me up after work so we could do laundry and sure enough there she was right as the guy pulled the birds tail and before fred flinstone could slide down his dinosaur’s tail i was rounding the corner and i saw my baby sitting on a step exhaling a camel light.

she has blonde hair now. dark roots on purpose. a frayed green denim levis jacket, powder blue sweat pants and a wrinkle on her forehead because the generic pain killers her fuct up doct prescribed her weren’t worth the ten dollar copay and how do you tell someone, listen, i know a few things about meds and this shit isn’t working, i might look young enough to get carded, but im an adult and my shits fucked so give me the damn vicodin for this is why the good Lord made it.

but shes so sweet she just hangs up the phone and yells fuck into her pillow. fuck! and breaks down and sobs cuz it really hurts and it would be one thing if the doctor was unsure but this shits coming from the nurse practioner not even the doc but from some bitch who can only prescribe advil. and by the way, what fucking loser needs a prescription for advil.

meanwhile in america everybody has the hookup. this one, that one. look at her over there. yep, even him. dosed, drugged, done. and this is a girl who wont have a beer with her meal after the laundromat because the label clearly said no alcohol on the bottle of pills that don’t do shit.

and im all, don’t you remember even one day in isla vista?

she smiles and i take her hand. we’re in a booth in silverlake. the crest. its dark. theyre playing slow jams from the eighties. pointer sisters at the moment. it doesn’t sound cheesy. it sounds of all things, classic, for lack of a better word.

thank you for all the love you give me i tell her and she smiles and says my name.

its like groundwater. its vital. to not have to wait for the flood or the downpour, all you have to do is open your eyes and theres this super strong foundation that hasn’t wavered a smidge since it began.

which isn’t to say there weren’t disagreements. or fights. or nights where one party would huff to the guest room and put a blanket over his fro and try to go to sleep on the futon. there were disagreements.

and tears, and loud moments, and angry lipsticked messages on the mirror.

there were no angry lipsticked messages on the mirror.

but there were some loud moments.

and those moments usually ended up with the one in the soft comfy bed creeping over to the guest room after about twenty minutes and crawling into the futon with the tearful one and whispering all the right things as they both fell asleep among unopened boxes and books.

is it good for a man to want a lot of love in his life i asked her as we waited for liver and bacon and a thick burger with an onion ring and mashed potatoes and homemade chips.

and she said yes. its good.

she said i pretend that i don’t want it too, but i do.

and later she said that my hair didn’t look so bad

that in fact it looked good.

and the liver came and they gave me a mini pitcher of coke

and we both talked about how much sleep we were going to get as soon as we got home.

lago + mental spigot + joh3n

so it doesnt suprise me that meesh is surrounded by incredible nature, super famous celebrities, and neighbors like “aisha” who claims to be from sweden and single (pictured).

if america flowed me enough to get my car right now, i would drive to aspen and spend a week this summer with meesh and aisha to support them in any way that they require.

hark. whats this? meesh types, “We’ll be waiting and in dire need of some sexual healing.”

one of the good parts of being as old as i am is once you pass a certain age you start to have control over your emotions, mastery over your body. breathing technics come into play allowing for creativity like you aint never seen before.

can i actually heal? hmmm. thats a tough question.

whats toughest about this all is my mom reads my blog.

i might have to ask my mom to stop reading my blog.

the answer is fuck yeah ladies

why do you think they call it playing doctor.

other problem is some big wigs from across town are looking at this blog this week and i was trying to mellow it out but every time i do that it just makes the writing super boring. and then to make up for it i start cursing like a pirate. all in all you can understand why i cant get a paying writing gig to save my damn life, and why im stuck in this deadend job of saving lives of the good citizens of hell-a county.

today is humpday. time flies for me here at the xbi. i like it and i hate it. i never have any time to do the things that i need to do. and it seems like we never catch as many people as we want to and then its time to go home.

i think ive compensated for that lately by staying up till 3am trying to write something good. but the sad thing is i have such a hard time writing at night that it isnt even really worth it.

saw a little bird today who was orange. but my bus was late which made me late and by the time i passed him i was late for work and didnt have enough time to take his little picture for all of you bird watchers out there in the rock-a-sphere.

jack valenti supporting tim robbins as the baseball hall of shame continues to bungle even the simplest of chores: showing a classic baseball movie and letting the lead actor introduce it. if they cant pull this off, charlie hustle doesnt stand a chance.