and you get to their block, and then to their driveway

and they’ll wave you in.

and they’ll look at you and then walk into their house

all three of them

and you’ll sit there for a few minutes listening to tom petty

and you’ll think to yourself, what?

you were right here.

i was right here.

i AM right here.

and you guys went the total opposite way.

so after another minute i texted them

i said, hi this is uber, im only required to wait five minutes

and we are four minutes in…

and boom they pop out

and we get going and grandma is sitting next to me and the nine year old is in the back and mom is next to him and young aunt is there. and they say they need another car for the rest of the family

then they tell me this is their first time in america

and theyre going to disneyland tomorrow and then joshua tree

and i think to myself, you are such a terrible person. why cant you be patient? why do you always have to be this way? why cant you just chill you chill in traffic you chill under fire you chill under the most stressful situations

why cant you just sit in the driveway of life and listen to tom petty

and wait your damn turn

fuckr

so at 1am i got back on the road.

i had already hit the 75 trip bonus level, but i was worried about my acceptance rate,

so i didnt mind doing a few more uber x rides, as long as no one puked.

got the four most beautiful asian girls ive ever seen in my life.

angels or demons, hard to tell but they laughed as i tried to pronounce the korean club they were going to

“is there a model convention going on right now?” i asked and they laughed more.

one of the three in the back said, “we’re not a model but sunny is.” and the girl next to me smiled.

she wasnt kidding.

not only was she dressed immaculately but she had this glow – and she was so nice

they were all so nice.

after dropping them off i got an asian dude. he too was super nice, complementing my car.

“benz is for the passenger but bmw is for driver. bmw fast. responsive. quick. mercedes feels like pillows. sturdy but soft. i feel very good back here.”

then he went on to tell me about how he has a series three bmw and he enjoys drinking and driving with his many girlfriends.

i told him that i was judging him in my heart.

he argued that it wasnt his fault, that all of his girlfriends were jealous types and wanted him near them at all times.

i said, it is tough to be a man sometimes, but we must also be

gentle

men, and step one of that is to

earn enough money that when it is time to call an uber, an uber is called.

aint nothing easier at shutting down a braggart than suggesting he acts a fool because hes broke.

but alas, this young man was also drunk. not dangerously so, but, indeed…

he went on to tell me that one of his three is european but american and he is considering marrying her

because he is not an american, and he desires citizenship. in the usa.

i said, well for sure you shouldnt drink and drive because that might keep you from being able to live here

the law hates drunk drivers, especially youngins driving expensive imports.

and the gentleman said

you are probably the smartest uber driver ive ever had.

and i said

duhhhhhhhhh

all day, all night, in a dad car, in a smelly shirt, with taco bell tacos in the glove box

because no one else would if i didnt

because i dont give two craps why the caged bird whines

because rock in roll is dying and im a little drummer boy

rat a tat tat

my cats are excited im home. i tell them daddy took 24 people places today

but all they care about is did i bring them treats back from the war

girl cat is all tony why do you do  the things you do

i say because pete rose led by example because walter payton died of a broken heart

because mother theresa was called names by christopher bitchens

because i know that for once in my life im the best at something

bettern anyone from sea to shining sea

and actually it’s the opposite of lonely at the top.

and she says but seriously did you bring us anything

and i say heres some 8 hour old sushi rolls and if you dont eat em

imma

because of – and only because of – this promotion Uber is running, i have been driving non-surge uber x trips with my benz and it’s pathetic.

i drove over 6 hours yesterday from hollywood to the beach and back several times. up in the hills… everywhere. $60.

12 trips, $60. that means i pocketed about $5 a ride.

fortunately a super beautiful tall black model tipped me $10 after i showed her the hooka spots on hollywood blvd.

and a wealthy lawyer from los feliz tipped me $10 after i told him he fascinating tale of Griffith W. Griffith which he will probably now turn into a major motion picture starring Steve Buchemi with music from Tom Waits.

im doing it because the goal seems impossible: do 75 trips and if you do you get $500.

im a weirdo about goals. i love to attain them.

probably because the love of my life, The Chicago Cubs, has never attained the only goal that matters in my lifetime.

you drive people places and you think, surely this is worth some money and you see it was worth a fraction and you look at yourself in the mirror and you say, Uber is pulling a Digg. they are shooting themselves in the foot – intentionally, for no good reason. this is an unforced foul. they are on top of the world, everyone loves them, they are bleeding money, therefor the most obvious thing to do is Increase fares so the good drivers will stay

but instead they continue to lower the fares which means only the desperate will be drivers

and as we know, the drivers are not just the face of the company, they are the key to the product.

they are the product.

imagine a cow thats being fed the worst, cheapest food and only a sprinkle of water. what sort of hamburger will they produce?

people are blown away by my car, my attitude, my tales, my routes, my smooth rides, my killer tunes, water, phone charger, and sage advice for the broken hearted.

this is what Uber needs to foster more of, instead they chase us away with their laughable fares.

i took these two dudes from the Hollywood Palladium to Brennan’s in Venice, home of the famous turtle races.

i got paid $16 for the pleasure of the cross town journey.

a little more than a year ago that was double, as it should be, and no one cared. why? because it was still nearly half of what it cost for a cab.

and it was better. and i played zep the whole time until the dude from philly said Hey this is the 20th anniversary of Biggie’s death, so i played Mo Money Mo Problems and we all sang along.

the fat lady is gonna sing for your favorite ride sharing app if the fares dont go back up to where they were when people still thought it was cheap.

right now it’s ridic and if it was a car it would get pulled over for suspicion of being on drugs.

first guy i got was a college basketball player who kept to himself.

boring.

then i got these two college freshmen girls visiting here from an ivy league school.

we talked about the OJ trial and social media and then i dropped off one of them and it was just me and the other.

i asked her if she liked being in college.

she said she did but it has been a bit of a culture shock because she went to an all girls private school in manhattan and

she was raised believing in girl power

and men and women being equals

but as soon as she starts going to college she hears her cohorts talk about how

they want a wife who will stay home and raise the kids

she said like all of the dudes are like that.

and she was all, hey why do you think im at college? to learn to change a diaper?

i said you know what, youve gotta keep that up.

i told her, when i was in college it was the women who taught me the most,

especially all the things i was completely wrong about.

i said, beat it into the boys.

we need it.

then she told me one of her classmates is donald trumps youngest daughter.

tiffany.

i was like, wow, what a perfect name.

first ride was a dbag but as Ernie Banks used to say, sometimes you have to go backwards to get a running start.

next ride was fantastic, it was this guy who does security for musical acts.

for a while he was doing the weeknd, which ended last night after the grammys cuz the singer had a huge mansion party which i guess was the end of his tour.

this security guy had been doing this forever, like 30 years. he said the weeknd is a very sweet, shy, quiet gentleman

and super nice.

he even compared him to michael jackson, which from my vantage point is a bit of a stretch, but what do i know, i havent been working with the guy for a month.

i said, when you protect him do you have to protect his supermodel gf? he said yes.

i asked how long did you have to work last night? he said late late late.

i asked do you get OT? he looked at me. i said, overtime? he said i heard you, no we have a flat fee, and it is very generous.

i had just picked him up at a cigar shop on wilshire near brentwood.

we talked about various rappers and others who he’s protected over the year.

finally i said, omg did you hear paul mccartney couldnt get into Tyga’s party last night?

he said yeah. he said, that was the fire marshall. anybody would have let Paul in

except for the LA Fire Marshall. they’re the strictest.

and when i got him to his hotel he gave me $5 and i was all, awwwww thanks g.

next ride was to the airport and after that i got some in n out and called it a night.

my car freaked out and broke something

sean penn published his interview in rolling stone with el chapo

and i partied with todd and sass in dtla

full, crazy, weird, sad, and scary day

im so pissed at uber i cant even begin to tell you

i thought tonight was going to be dead. i thought all the new drivers were gonna drive and all of the passengers would be terrified of giant surge rates and this year would turn into what happened last year which was awfulness.

but just the opposite happened. hardly any drivers drove because they all got burned last year. meanwhile the last few weeks with Uber have been pretty much surge-free. ALSO lyft has pretty much the same rates and if you drive 30+ hours with lyft, you get a bonus. uber has no bonus.

therefore drivers who work both platforms stayed with lyft tonight. and straight up uber drivers either didnt work or made bank.

and here lies a huge problem with uber that i hope they see: because they’re sooooo inconsistent they are the same as being untrustworthy. lyft is always consistent, thus on big nights like new years, drivers are going to drive for lyft.

and because lyft does nice things like allows (and encourages) tipping, and has frequent driver bonuses, drivers drive for lyft. all night. and that causes a lack of supply on uber on a night of unprecedented demand.

THERE WERE VERY FEW CARS ON THE ROADS IN LA TONIGHT. why? because we have become used to ride sharing and we are tired of paying $15 for parking, and we want to drink. thus anyone who was going out was taking uber or lyft.

i was jetting around from the east side to the west side up to inglewood to usc to culver city, then out to venice to ring in the new year with ali and the roads were beautiful. only uber and lyft drivers pretty much, which also meant very few accidents or drunk drivers. we dont need no robot cars.

did someone try to puke in my car? yes. someone actually did puke in it, but i had the barf bag ready and i whipped it to her and she used the bag and all was well. nerve-racking, but a huge success. here it is now 4:40am and i still cant believe what went down. no car accidents, no insanity, no puke, and i got home and jeanine had some indian food and i warmed it up and now imma pass out and sleep my first sleep of this year with the realization that every day is a new day. respect it for what it is: a blank slate.