farewell sweet swanny

When I was a lad, I wasn’t a Steelers fan, despite my aunt and uncle flooding me with Mean Joe this and Franco Harris that (they lived in Pittsburgh, and were very proud of those teams in the 70s).

But I was amazed at the beauty and grace Lynn Swann exhibited out on the football field. When he was near the ball there was no violence, no mayhem. It was peaceful and slow as he leapt in the air and suddenly very fast and overbeforeyouknew it.

For some reason he has dismissed the legendary USC Song Girls from performing at the school’s basketball games and he won’t say why. 

The only theory that makes some sense, though not much at all, is he was perturbed that during the end of the football season, when 100k fans were chanting to fire the football coach, word got to him that some of the Girls were caught joining in on the fun.

So instead of firing the coach, he’s firing the young women

And if you ask me, it’s suicide by cheerleader.

My guess is Lynn Swann realizes that being in charge of USC, right now, in the midst of so much turmoil, hither and non, is far more insane than Dallas’s Doomsday Defense or the Monsters of the Midway. 

That shit was nothing compared to whatever this is now. 

Swann was part of 4 Super Bowl Champions (he never got that one for the thumb). He’s an NFL Hall of Famer. But as Athletic Director in the 21st century, where your best players leave far too soon and the pressure allows you every little time to turn things around, it takes a very different skill set to be great. 

Which is why no matter what the cheerleaders do, you don’t fire them unless you are the one wanting to go gently into that good night.

Lynn Swann is 66 years old, wealthy, respected and knowledgable. He’s also a black Republican. There are many paths he can take once he resigns, which I presume will happen soon. 

If I were him I would volunteer my services with Betsey DeVoss to bring Physical Education back to public schools the way it was when the Steel Curtain was doing damage on frozen tundras. 

That is the legacy he deserves. Not that of cheerleader killer.

first day doing lyft exclusively

yesterday was old school. yesterday i drove everywhere. yesterday i met everyone.

yesterday i hit my goal.

Lyft had a deal, drive 20 rides, get $75. friday i did three rides, so i only needed to do 17 yesterday. i got motivated around noon, so i calculated if i could do 2 an hour id be done at 8pm.

plenty of time to hit up clipper girls cousin, who was showing some interest again.

lets see how much i can remember without looking at my notes.

gay dude fresh from nyc who was going to prep a property for a real estate company he sorta works for

famous rappers i should know but im old who i picked up in a silver lake motel id never been to before who bumped their own wonderful tunes all the way to redondo beach

21 yr old barback who had just bought a canon mark 4 for $4k and was bringing it to work for some reason

cute mexican cousins having a staycation in manhattan beach who i picked up at the ralphs where they had bought booze to continue the celebration in their room who tipped me $5 cash for not being pissed that they made me wait in the crowded parking lot

gay dude fresh from north carolina who took the red line from north hollywood to the blue line to the green line so he could then take a lyft to the Olive Garden where he works. his car was totaled a few weeks ago.

posh manhattan beach housewife who had just gotten her nails done and didn’t want to walk the mile home. we passed Frys i said i could never live this close to a Frys, id spend all i own there. she said whats in there? i said, Man’s Heaven. she said women are in there? i said fine, most of Heaven.

giant dude who barely fit in my back seat who works at the el segundo golf course which it turns out is only $15 because its city-owned. he’s worked there 5 years. he starts at 6am. he was headed to Compton. his mom was about to marry this man. i said oh her second marriage? he said, well she didnt ever marry my dad, so her first marriage. he was going to her house because her future inlaws were throwing a party for them. he said it was gonna be awkward. he said compton used to be really bad but its better now.

because the Lyft bonus didnt cover rides that far south i drove to USC, got a photographer going to a shoot in DTLA. then i got a model and this fashion designer in the fashion district who Lyft Lined it to his Chinatown studio. along the way this sparkling beautiful asian waitress with black lipstick who told me about all these great pho places to eat in little tokyo. i said, i’ve been loyal to Mr. Ramen. she said omg i used to work there, i loved the reggae music. i said thats why im loyal!

then this chinese rich girl who totalled her Beamer who was headed to the north hollywood bmw shop to buy her replacement car. she was super nervous. pisces. 23. works at a famous accounting firm. i was like whats to be nervous about, you’ll always have a car payment. plus im sure you know your budget. she said, to be honest, i feel like maybe i dont deserve a nice car after what i just did. i said, by the power vested in me in this magical lyft, you are forgiven, delicate flower.

next was a young mexican dude who was at a party but needed a ride home real quick to feed and play with his 11 week old puppy. he said his parents were super into punk rock and named his older brother Joey and was about to name him Johnny but his grandma said you cannot name your children after the Ramones. we talked about old school punk pretty much the whole way to KTown.

then there was the dude from a famous music streaming service who lived near a former infamous police station which everyone thought had been gutted but he said he has seen some undercover vehicles roll out of there that look exactly like plumbing trucks and exterminators but alas theyre surveillance vehicles y’all. he was going to yang chow home of the slippery shrimp and damn there was a giant line there due to the dodger game that just let out.

got a ping up in echo park. three usc grad students who were snapchatting, instagramming and singing right as they entered the car because i was playing r kelly and they knew every word. they were going to see the Migos and Rae Srummurd – free concert at USC if you were a student. i said suddenly i am a student at USC! we talked about astrology. the libra in the back seat said Scorpios are garbage! i said Libra girl! her friend the Cancer said AGREED! later that night i heard the concert was shut down after just two songs from the Migos because the kids at USC let too many of their friends in and people felt unsafe.

only one more ride left. got a recent USC grad, film major from hong kong. sharp as a tack. she said whats the easiest way to get an oscar before i turn 32? i want to beat Damien Chazelle. i said, first of all youre a woman so good luck with that. she gasped. i was all, jk, roll with me. then i said, Shorts is one way but you’ll probably have to finance that yourself because why would a producer give you money for something that wont make him any money. she said OR HER. i was all, didnt i say chill. she laughed. we picked up her friend along the way. i said ok another way is Foreign Language. she said what are the requirements, that i have to shoot it over seas? i said no, its gotta be in a foreign language. i said so like China. she said id rather it be in French. so i said bonne chance jeune fille.

got hope, ate, drank, passed out before clipper girl texted me, which she did all night as i snoozed and the kittens tried to steal the blankets.

picked up a guy at usc who had a complicated knee brace

i was all, snowboarding?

he said, skiing.

i was like, kids still ski?

he goes

but before he could i answered for him, not well.


id been driving for about two hours around SC. today was their first day back from break.

after so many days of getting very few rides i just wanted to do like 15 or 16 in a couple of hours and get the mojo going again.

did 22.

this guy was the last one.

he goes, hold on got my buddy coming.

im all, youre the invalid and you got here first?

his friend arrives with a jovial, hey cripple.

i slide the iphone and start the ride. Arabian Nights? whats that?

he goes, we’re gonna buy a bong!


his buddy is like, all the guys on our floor chipped in and we’ve got $100.

i go, what sort of flooring is happening in this dorm?

he’s like hardwood.

im all well you cant get glass.

he’s like i cant use a plastic bong.

i go dude one bong and an entire floor of freshmen dudes? that things gonna break.

he goes, theres carpet in the rooms.

and im well alright then, but maybe you should rubberize it or something. get creative.

and his buddy murmurs, the old one did break. glass.

i said SEE!


i tried an experiment last night but im no scientist

tumblr_nt9comvtZO1qa0rryo1_500had a couple of fun rides including this group that included these two i picked up at a swanky apartment complex

they had both ordered a pool and it just so happened they were at the same place going to frat row.

on the way the girl goes to the guy, where do i know you, i KNOW you!

he says yeah i know you too, who are your friends? and i was thinking look how cute this gurl is we could be here all night as she lists off all her friends. but she starts anyways because whatevers

finally she says who are your friends. and i was thinking to myself this is no way to deduce.

he goes where do you work. she giggles.

she says where do you work then she says OMG WE WORKED TOGETHER FRESHMAN YEAR IN THE LIBRARY!

turned out he’s now on the football team.

omg youre the kicker, right? she said.

no, safety. but close!