but you’d never believe it.

when i was younger i would talk hella shit about the xbi because i didnt want to be in there any more and i was hoping it would scare them off me.

it didnt work at first

but now im older and i cant run as fast and theyve got younger kids who are True Believers who will do stupider shit and think waaaay dumber things and go with the flow like Flo Jo

and i have to admit there are parts of the agency that i miss.

mostly the danger.

i think when you get older you see that the danger can give you fun thrills

but so can leaning in on a pretty girl for the first time

tryin to kisser

or negotiating something where you really dont have any more room to budge

or walking down a street you shouldnt be on

or trying a new weapon that could literally explode in your hand

or a new copter that no ones ever tried to do the loop di do with.

whoops, off track again.

or saying hi to a stranger.

or reading a new book.

or adopting cats and you dont even like cats and what if the girls on Tinder think you’re queer if you have cats or a loser or a lonely soul or a commie.

i am a commie but thats neither here nor there, tinder girls.

im someone who will get in a bus and do whatever needs to be done.

but im also none of the above.

i dont feel the comfort of feeling sad.

i dont see the beauty of being bad.

but i do like things better when they are on fire, at the end of the night, when all you can hear is the crackling and the ashes disobey gravity

and float up

and up

and disappear with the light.

i havent?

she said youre always charging your phone

i said we should have some codes

what?

for when we text each other, i said.

you mean like hey how are you doing?

i know how you’re doing.

then what?

i was thinking, if i text you “w” it means what are you wearing?

omg.

if i text you “m” it means wanna see a movie?

if i text you “f” it means

oh i think i know.

it means have you had any food?

ok got it, but why not just text those things?

well i was reading hillarys emails and if she and her aides just had little codes it would have made it harder to spy on her.

but

and it would save time.

what time are you trying to save?

what if im on a cliff hanging by a pinkie

and all i can do is type h to you, which is helppppppp

or z which is theyve poisoned me and im about to pass out, bring pop

how am i supposed to remember all of these?

p

dear tony,

i’m interested to learn more about the xbi. namely, why LA? aren’t the skies filled with helicopters anyway?

first of all theres no such thing as the xbi.

secondly, yes there are some helicopters in LA but most of them are cops or for the news or traffic. but id say they only account for a dozen or so. then there are the tourist ones that fly visitors over the city.

if there was an undercover group of super heroes who actually didnt have any super skills, they were just trained really well, there might be a job or two for someone who flew a helicopter.

specifically a black helicopter.

and if he was really good at it, the agency, if one existed, would probably set him up in a swanky mansion somewhere up in the hills where no one would expect a sloppy dressed dude in a cubs hat.

why a mansion?

where else would you land the copter?

this is what happens when you try to use the xbi insurance.

they want you only to see xbi doctors and

its not because they care about you

they just wanna keep an eye on their investment

even if you are just a shell of who you used to be

i havent been a solid xbi agent in years

they swear they can get me back in shape if i had the desire to get there but

as you get older the things you care about substantially changes

when youre little you want candy

then you want a bike

then you want a girlfriend

then you want a car

then you want a plane

then you want a mythical black helicopter that barely makes a sound but ironically can stabilize large groups of terrible people through audio technology that can bring them to their knees with nausea.

then you want two cars.

all i want right now is to see the cubs win the world series and it looks like theyre on their way.

then i want some ice cream.

then i want to help people.

the other day someone asked me what i wanna be when i grow up

i said i wanna never grow up.

because it seems like the more shit you gotta do

the less shit you get to do.

and all the shit i wanna do is for you.