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Tag Archives: xbi
there used to be a time
when i didnt come into the xbi on monday mornings and think why why why why, and to be honest i dont remember much of those days.
the job i had before this one fired me and rehired me hours later and put me on the 6am shift and there werent any mondays where i would think why why why why even when things started to get crappy even when all the people i hired started to slowly get laid off one after another after another.
the dot com implosion effected me way more than any breakup with any girlfriend. maybe its because i have had very few high paying jobs where my boss totally understood me and got it and loved it and wanted me to be me.
i know the sun will come out tomorrow annie but tomorrow and tomorrow and tommorrow bleeds into the petty pace of macy gray, blogged by a dumbshit full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
someone from somewhere sent me a pre-release of Eminem’s upcoming cd and i listened to it all weekend.
its amazing and disgusting and juvenile and brilliant. i dont know why but it’s uncomfortable dealing with the fact that todays best rapper is a wigger. race aside, eminem raps circles around everyone and anyone. and hes funny. and hes fast. and hes constantly trying new things.
he and dre are a perfect pair. so perfect its freaky.
this sunday three very odd things happened. are the planets all fucked up? anna kournikova came over with a bundt cake(!) on sunday afternoon between the raiders winning and the bears winning. i was all whats the occassion and she went on to explain that she went to the grove and wandered into a home store and saw a bundt cake pan and decided she wanted to make some bundt cakes.
so we sat there drinking cheap champagne and eating her bundt cake while my two favorite teams won games that they werent supposed to win.
very odd.
everythings odd.
the busblog hits were better this weekend than any other weekend this year.
was sex saturday the reason why people came here this weekend?
who knows, but maybe next weekend we can continue the increase.
pink shoes + lisa + sk smith
a while ago when i was on vacation
i wore my cubs floppy hat whereever i went.
since then any time i wear my floppy hat i feel like im on vacation.
the other day at work we were about to do some gnarly shit.
i was sorta pissed off because i didnt see anything on the board telling us that we had anything gnarly planned for the afternoon and there we were flying to a scene and i was slightly stressed out,
which never happens as i am icy cool under pressure
and i took off my helmet and put on my floppy hat and it immediately relaxed me. mind over matter. or in this case mind over mind.
everything was fine until someone noticed on my cockpit cam and dude said in my earpeice
wtf you doing captain?
there was a time when when people talked about the xbi they talked about guys without vests on, without nightvision, and without fear.
guys so tough they wrote their phone numbers on the ass cheeks of the worst guys they caught
so when the cops found them hogtied and defeated they would know who to thank.
and there i was tens of thousands of feet above concrete being told to put on my helmet.
but what of my magic hat of relaxation i whispered
and dove with the sun behind me
so as to avoid a lot of shadow.
so what do you do
when you come home after a hard day and you see a hand written note on your front door threatening you if you continue to write negative things about the president of the united states on your blog.
you blog of course.
dear needle dicks
i am going to the pixies concert in about 20 minutes. it should last a few hours.
when i come home i want you to be there. i will make sure that i am alone.
if you want to be there alone, you can. if you want to bring some friends, be my guest but i only want to talk to you.
for five minutes, as thats all youre worth.
youre not worth that little time because of your beliefs, but because of your practices. plus i barely see my own friends for more than five minutes a week, so dont go thinking that im disrespecting you because im not. even if you disrespected me.
and my beautiful door.
you may want to fight me. that would be a dumb thing to want, but ive noticed that not too many intellectuals follow the causes that you’re aligning yourself with. therefore if we must throwdown leave your wallet at home as it is xbi policy to rid our adversaries of their dead presidents after you force us into action.
you might want to leave your shoes in your car because sometimes we like to take those as youre shaking on the street too.
i realize that politics usually brings out the worst in people and rarely their best, which is why i try to keep my writing out of the genre. but i read a lot and when i see that a point isnt being spoken about, i try to say it. or in this case, write it down.
yes it’s true that i write on the web site that you mentioned under a different name. it’s true that i have the beliefs that i have, and you have yours. what’s false is the impression that you have that if you intimidate enough writers to shut up then your man will win the election. that concept is infact laughable. i am laughing right now.
i am still laughing.
i just returned from changing my shirt and i laughed a little in the dressing room.
your ideas and your practices are remarkably old school. pre-historicly old school. you want me to agree with your theory that the current president needs to stay in office because voting him out would give the terrorists the idea that they’ve “won” and because voting kerry in would be dangerous to the future of america.
because in your opinion the silver and bronze starred vietnam vet is somehow soft on evil.
in many respects i am more liberal than senator kerry.
i believe that marijuana should be legalized and those in jail for most drug related crimes should be released from prison.
i believe that AIDS research monies should be tripled, that junior colleges should be free, and that health care should be socialized like your mama is.
come over tonight with the intention to do me physical harm and you will see how soft i am regarding evil.
and i didnt volunteer for nam.
i dont know you, i dont really want to know you, but i will meet you tonight for five minutes and you can either apologize and skateboard back to your studio in the valley or you can walk home penniless and barefoot.
or while i am gone you can write me an apology which will conclude with i will never threaten any human being again, i was wrong.
here comes your man,
tony pierce
being in the xbi means
never having a set schedule. typically when i get in at 8:30am, i go through the emails, voice mails, and see if anyone commented on my blog.
around 9:30am danielle will call me and tell me that she has finished clipping her flowers, trashing the dead ones, and is ready to take a walk to get coffee.
on tuesdays my department has meetings all day. i only have to go to one of them. it usually occurs right before lunch. problem is it happens right when a lot of the bad guys are waking up and are ready to commit crimes.
it frustrates me to have the meeting at that hour because the day has started, things are in motion, and i get uptight that i have to stop the natural flow of my day to go over stuff that we… well… it’s a meeting, xbi weekley meetings are probably no different than yours.
some people doodle. i write letters to karisa and tell her that i miss her.
a little after noon i catch up with what i missed and make plans for lunch.
if i dont have to immediately take chopper one to a location, i will eat with danielle. we try to mix it up. sometimes its sushi, sometimes soup n salad, sometimes chicken, sometimes it’s fancy.
maybe the xbi planted her here to keep me happy. if they did, they succeeded. but having her leave in a few weeks is only going to make me less happy than i was before she was assigned to work the flower stand that no one goes to.
its all very curious and interesting.
last night she called me several times as an old flame was in town to sell the nakatomi building. apparently his commission was to be issued in gold bullions because there werent enough dollars in los angeles.
she only rolls with the best.
but she complained that even though he was born with all the things men year for: wealth girth and stamina, and even though hes a strikingly handsome, and even though he has been frightenly successful in bidness, he has the tact of a buffalo and the communication skills of a chipmonk.
and he was late for their dinner.
“why dont you have a car so you could meet me for dinner?” she asked me. i was defrosting some ham that i had stored away. it would eventually only make me a little sick. not even sick. sorta buzzed. it’s not rare for my wishywashy food to make me slightly lightheaded.
as she said that i thought about the fact that ive gone years and years without a car, and how it hasnt affect me negatively at all. quite the contrary, in fact.
the years that ive been without a car ive actually gotten laid more often, and with a wider variety of young women than the years that i had brand new cars.
im no statistician, and i doubt the one actually relates to the other, but during this very weird run with the xbi, i have made less money, had less power, and gotten more tail, while riding the gd bus.
and ive been able to read and write more than ever in my life.
“whatever,” danielle interjected. “if you had a ride you’d be sitting next to me in this private room about to eat scallops and sip black bean soup.”
my toast popped up and i excused myself from the phone as i squeezed some miracle whip on my ham sandy.
later jeanine would call me at midnight telling me that she was having nightmares, wondering if she could spend the night with me, and i said yes baby, of course.
and she drove over, parked in the back and we slept like happy naked little puppies in a warm barn during a summer rainstorm.
its time for my meeting.
rows of blue prada bags
perfectly lined like little tin soldiers on the sidewalk. gucci clutches. bcgb wallets. this dude had everything and i was supposed to be the bad cop but i was feeling so damn good after my physical therapy that all i could muster was, wheres the good stuff?
the doctor earlier said i didnt have carpal tunnel. that i didnt have rsi. i just had a mild case of tendinitis and that everything i was doing was helping it.
i said will i ever play the piano again?
he said does the world need another piano player?
i said will i ever blog again?
he said, looks to me that you havent stopped blogging a bit.
and i blushed and i told him my little secret, which is the interns have been helping me out a bit.
and he said for me to let the interns do their thing for another week and during that week find another line of work where i wouldnt stress my hands so much.
and i said i fly chopper one.
and he said, i know you dont want to hear this tony, but youre not the only bad motherfucker who can fly that stupid helicopter.
and i said, yes but im the best.
and he said, i know that you dont want to hear this tony…
and i said, shut up
and he said, im serious
i said, nobody can fly that bird like i can
and he said, a long time ago i realized that even michael jordan’s ass is capable of being kicked from time to time.
and i said, ah ha, but it hasnt. noone has kicked mjs ass yet.
and he said, i know that you dont want to hear this tony, but youre no michael jordan.
at anything.
and i wanted to say something like, thats not what your wife said.
but it was exactly what his wife says
evolvers + the floss angeles lakers + clever hack
went to the dentist today.
huge mistake. the dude was cool and all. everything was fine. just sometimes you end up at the right place at the wrong time.
i left the place just wanting to die. every single one of my teeth has something wrong with it. it was like a bad dream. the lights were bright and i had to hold a mirror up to see and they were on the tv all yellow and gross and sick and disgusting.
five grand to fix em up the lady said and i work for a living. how am i going to get five grand to fix my teeth. and another thing: my teeth have never looked all that great. ever.
so the lady had me apply for a dental credit card through citibank. that was embarrasing too cuz working for the xbi ruins your credit.
so we had to settle on a root canal in a few weeks which will drain my insurance in one swell foop and i got on the bus right in front of the larry flynt tower in beverly hills and i thought so this is why the guy has naked chicks pissing in the pages of his magazine, so when he walks into situations and it all boils down to money he can say groan, “charge it.”
plus i hadnt eaten all day. as in all day. plus i hadnt slept all night. plus i could feel a disturbance in the force bigger than me and hark, the cubs got one-hit by big fat jason schmidt up in frisco
and in a perfect world today i could pick anywhere to be and it would be at pac bell park which is called something different now and i woulda written you from frisco and told you how life is there right now and i would cover the cubbies for your asses and i would be blogging right now from the 500 club with a full belly of a nice burrito from 24th and mission. el faro lito. mi amore.
theres a pretty girl sleeping quietly in my bedroom right now. she looks like a painting from a 50s watercolor from the changing room of a boutique on montana in the 60s. her eyes will devistate you and her lips will make you believe in fairy tales and her ass and her legs and her neck and her hands on your head and her toes and your legs
in two weeks i will have called california home for exactly twenty years.
in illinois i was part of the state’s best highschool marching band, i kissed mary huber, and i kissed laura hesterman, and tracey degrazia.
other than that, everything cool that ive ever done, i did in the golden state.
and if my teeth are beginning to rot its because ive eaten up every day here
and i’ll get plenty of sleep when i retire in vegas.
50 fishy circumstances about the nick berg beheading + mc brown + jack bog
stole a car this afternoon when i shoulda been workin.
it was in the valley. it was hot in the val. dropped the top down. it wasnt a convertable but now it is.
xbi has “lasers”.
drove around listening to r.e.m’s “electrolite” since it was in the car. they had a DAT player cuz this is LA and if youre in the industry you have DAT players.
hadnt hear that one in a while and it was nice on an afternoon of sin playing hookey from work on a spring day where the smog chilled at 10 thousand feet and the traffic on the 101 was minimal.
sped past palm trees and wondered if they liked where they were, watching traffic, witnessing accidents and tragedies. i think about trees alot. especially palm trees.
your first year at the xbi they try to see how far you’ll go, as far as breaking the law. usually that means who will you steal from and how much and how big.
cars are the easiest.
i once stole a man’s pool table from his condo on wilshire. after that they asked me not to steal things any more.
the man was my boss.
now and then people try to call me old because my belly is growing or my bald head blinds them or because i cant run as fast as i once could, and in those times i think of little ways to remind them that i am not only the man, but the best agent in the agency.
so this afternoon i stole a car, turned it into a convertible and drove it from sherman oaks back to our westwood office which is carefully hidden underneath the mormon tabernacle on santa monica.
the car’s owner? the cheif’s wife.
the cd: r.e.m’s “In Time: The Best of REM 1988-2003”.
yes im playing with fire.
yes, i think it’s sad that over the last 15 years this is what r.e.m’s best songs are 1)man on the moon 2) night swimming 3)losing my religion 4) electrolite 5)everybody hurts and 6)what’s the frequency, kenneth?
i thought southern guys were supposed to be more creative than that?
even though he came out, im starting to think stipey is a yankee, cuz shit man, six good songs in 15 years is pure east coast production. whaddup g?
parked the woman’s beemer on the lawn of the tabernacle broke the cd in four places and placed it carefully on the hood.
i have to put myself on a timeout.
i usually dont blog about blogging in that i dont make excuses for the times that i dont blog, and i dont tell you when im not going to blog because i hate it when i read that on other peoples shit.
im usually like, so what. who cares. what makes you think that i give a shit that youre not going to be blogging today, just write fucker.
but the busblog is a little different because i really do write several times a day and i wouldnt want people to think that chopper one went down and theres tragedy.
so heres whats going to be going on. today i have an appointment with the xbi. apparently i was shot and didnt even know it. so theyre going to take that slug out of me. then i have my yearly appointment with the agency shrink where all i will do is lie and lie and lie. its the only time in my real life that i lie.
q. how do you like your job as a…. helicopter pilot?
a. i love it.
q. are there any issues that you would like to bring up?
a. nope. i love everything.
q. are you getting along with your coworkers?
a. oh yeah. completely.
q. where do you see yourself in a year at the xbi?
a. hopefully doing the same thing. i love my job, i love chopper one. if i could do this for the rest of my life i would be a happy man.
q. do you ever go through periods of depression?
a. only when the cubs break my heart.
q. hahahaha yes, but on the job?
a. no.
q. the violence never gets to you?
a. i dont consider it violence. its just part of the gig.
q. really?
a. if i wanted a desk job i woulda kept my job at microsoft.
q. are you happy with your salary?
a. i get a salary?!
q. are there any improvements that you would like the agency to implement?
a. last year we had a Consierge service. they would do things like get our drycleaning done, get us concert tickets, go grocery shopping for us, etc. then they took it away. i know that i bring in enough revenue for a consierge staff of 10 people. i liked that service. i didnt use it much except for renting and returning movies but the fellas sure loved it.
and then i will get drunk and cry.
tomorrow i will get the rare opportunity of seeing my little brother. yes i have a little brother. he’s 6′ 2″ so not that little anymore. but the plan is to hang with him while hes here for spring break and show him a good time tomorrow.
then on saturday a special guest from the blogosphere, the grapevine tells me, will be in town. i hope to meet her and entertain her over the weekend. and then wednesday through friday i hope she gets back from vegas and we get to hang out some more.
there will be photographs.
not a lot of blogging.
but there will be spring breaking and photographs.
walking to the xbi today a bullet whistled past me
and i didnt even look up. why give them the satisfaction? i didnt shoot back cuz some people want us to take them out and i only take out tall blondes.
this month.
but often i think to myself what am i doing here. how did i get in this situation. how is this happening again.
it doesnt matter if its a great situation or a crappy situation i always feel the same way and i always say the same thing. its never why me, its how did i get here.
crazy thing is i never seek this stuff out. it just happens. i came to the xbi to fly chopper one, true, but i thought being thousands of feet above the “action” would keep me away from the gnarliness, but its so not true. youre in the middle of the damn mess. youre the quarterback in a way, you see everything and its your job to not only direct whats happening but position yourself so the robotic cams can see whats happening.
i hate to say it, but it blows.
then theres the women. theres far too many. theyre at work. theyre at the crib. theyre on the phone. theyre on the web. at 110 years old theyre not as mysterious and fascinating as they were when i was young dumb and full of but dont get me wrong i still love them but in the same way i feel about music or baseball cards or ikea. its nice when youre there playing around but sheesh.
had a great conversation with an ex girlfriend last night and she was all uptight about how she doesnt have a man and how lonely she feels and i used to feel that way about the ladies but thankfully thats gone. i prefer the company of women but im no longer ruled by the desire. i like to mess around but im no longer engrossed.
id much rather read and write and watch my tivo.
which is why i hardly ever get to do those things much.
cuz life isnt fair.
and it never was.
and in a few minutes im going to find that motherfucker who took that cheap shot at me. and introduce them to someone who still gets a thrill evening scores.
kate sullivan + lick + club the penguin