oh, so now you know my name.

of course i know your name, i grew up in the midwest.

well, i just thought you didnt know since you called me “the happy Brewer Guy…”

yeah, yeah, yeah, dont be so sensitive, it was just a comedic device. so what’s up?

i have some answers to your questions.

what questions are those, bro?

the Hypothalamus, most scientists believe that the mind is located in the hypothalamus.

well thats all fine and good, my milwaukee mascot friend, but what the hell do scientists know?

they know plenty.

then why dont they cure the common cold.

you mean the flu? cuz its a virus.

we cure computer viruses all the time.

its not the same.

sure it is.

im not going to argue this with you, you dont even know the first thing about science.

sure i do, i know youre an ass.

come over here and say that.

next time im in milwaukee bored out of my mind i will, bernie brewer, i will climb that ladder and kick your big fat mascot ass.

ok, tony, seriously, what is up you butt?

this girl. we write to each other every day. last weekend we went on a date. we hardly ever go on dates.

uh huh, go on.

i gave her a kiss goodnight, which i do sometimes. but this one was different.

i see, and now she doesnt know how to act.

thats it. people shouldnt *act*. they should just be cool.

quick question, tony, and be honest.

ok, you know i always am.

who called the shots between you and her? her, i bet.

mmmm, it was pretty mutual.

ok, let me ask you this, whats the furthest you ever got?

i dont know, second base.

ok, tony, what happened with that kiss is the balance of power was shifted. there was a disturbance in the Force. there probably was always a disturbance in the Force if she was calling the shots, but something clicked inside her and shes uncomfortable and shes probably just adjusting, sorting things out.

but it was just a kiss!

ok, defensive boy, chill out. you, as great as you are, are not the best person to be around when someone is trying to figure things out.

but theres nothing to figure out!

see, you always have an opinoin. let her be a girl, which is a good thing sometimes, give her her space, and find something else to do this weekend. is anything going on?

yeah, my friends are having barbeques and ashley is coming over.

ashley, what are you still doing with her?

it’s just for today, tomorrow night im taking her home.

ok, good. shes cute as hell, but come on, old man.

i know, i know.

ok, and quit acting like a little bitch. when you want your space you appreciate it when people back off.

ok, Bernie Brewer.

by the way, did you see what Meesh wrote about you?

pretty cool, huh?

yeah, and what’s up with this?

i dont know, it’s french, and you have to go to page 12 and look at the graphic in the middle.

why do the french love you so?

they only love me because they love Emmanuelle so much.

so why arent they all over Welch?

because he’s the blond american who stole her away.

see, tony, your mind isnt all gone.

i guess youre right Bernie Brewer, well, will we see you at the All Star game too?

you bet your ass.

ok, later then.

hasta. oh wait, one more thing.

what’s that?

maybe she’s bummed cuz youre a bad kisser

what!

91. vze3vfkz

dude, you’re seriously losing your mind.

it was never mine to lose.

say what?

well who is possessing the mind?

you.

yeah, but who is “me,” my body?

yeah.

my arm?

no, your head.

my ears?

no, your brain.

so my brain has lost the mind? where did it go?

i don’t know, tony pierce, all i know is it’s not where its supposed to be.

is the all star game supposed to be in a stadium owned by the commisioner of baseball?

i wish you would stop saying that.

of course you do, you’re the king’s castle.

i beg your pardon!

you’re in milwaukee, hardly the center of american economic growth, and you charge people $75 a ticket for box seats.

now that’s not fair, most of the tickets dont cost $75.

youre right, most of the seats cost between $20 and $30 bucks.

correct.

TO SEE THE BREWERS!

the team is in a rebuilding period.

then dont charge people of wisconsin $75! dude, they’re the worst team in baseball, they’re a joke. the only reason they have two all stars is because Bud Selig and all the other owners have agreed that its a good idea to have more than one Brewer represented in the home park.

remember what i told you about you losing your mind?

you’ll never be as cool as chicago.

oh, god.

hell, you’ll never be as good as Madison.

hey, now.

even the Packers dont even play in Milwaukee.

they play a few games here.

yeah but they dont really want to, or have to.

so?

so, nothing.

what is your deal, tony, shit.

nothing.

here, have a beer.

thanks miller park.

youre welcome tony pierce.

i did have a fun time at prom in Lake Geneva.

see.

but we drank Stroh’s and Old Style.

it’s ok.

thanks for being there Miller Park.

i’ll always be here, tony. that is, until they tear me down and put in a replacement.

they wont do that for a while, im sure.

yeah.

hey why did they get rid of the happy Brewer Guy who slid down the slide into the big beer stein after each home run?

he slides down onto a platform now and balloons are released.

yeah, why did they make it all lame?

i dont know. political correctness or some shit.

in Wisconsin? it’s during a baseball game at a park named after a local beer maker.

i know, i know, people do funny things sometimes. not ha-ha funny, just funny.

i guess.

they still have the sausage races though.

that’s good, at least.

hey, want another beer?

yes, please.

87. Jim Spot

88. Greeblie

89. Off Wing

90. Jay L. Zilber

wait a second, tony pierce, is that the only picture you could use?

wha?

come on man, show a little respect.

richie, there are sixty all-stars, im only going to interview a handfull of you, do you want to be on busblog or do you want to whine?

you’re right, im sorry. im just a little sensitive today.

shit, man, you should be. you’re like the strikeout king and you’re going to be facing like the best pitchers in all of baseball July 9th in your home park.

ok, shhhh.

but you’re doing a little better this year. only 71 whiffs in 82 games. thats not bad.

you know tony, you have a funny way of complimenting people.

seriously, last year you struck out 171 times, and now you’re an All-Star, dont you think that–

what are you saying?

what should i be saying?

you should be showing me some respect.

for what, for your 18 homers? you’re on pace to do what, hit 36? there were like 5 shortstops who hit 36 homers last year.

dude, im the second best first baseman in the NL.

exactly, but youre like the 11th best first baseman in the majors.

um, more like the 7th best in the majors.

is that something to be proud of, Richie? by the way, at what age do you say, “just call me Rich”?

let me ask you something, tony, where are you going to be sitting for the game?

on my couch, hopefully with a pretty girl.

well, im going to be sitting right inbetween sammy sosa and mike piazza. im going to meet famous people, sign autographs, and little kids are going to scream my name from the stands. if i was a betting man, i’d bet that i get the biggest applause out of any of the all-stars.

only cuz the cheeseheads can relate to a big tall loser like you. and only because the applause sign will be on, and only because the commisioner owns the team, oh strike that, i mean because his daughter owns the team. you’re the bitch that the Big Man brought to the dance. you deserve to be there as much as it deserves to be played in Milwaukee. you deserve to be there as much as Selig deserves to be Commish. you could at least be a man and admit it.

pierce, im going to meet you one day, i’ll be the guy 6’8″ who’ll knock your block off.

don’t whiff.

oh, i wont.

i bet you strike out both times you come up to the plate.

what do you want to bet?

everything.

ok, i’ll tell you what, if i strike out even once, you can say whatever you want about me on this page, but if i dont you’ve got to kiss my ass for the rest of the season the way you kiss anna’s ass.

deal.

have fun being a loser your whole life.

have fun living in milwaukee.

ok, that was low.

i know, i take it back.

good. why are you being such a dick?

i dont know, i guess im a little sensitive today too.

well, at least you get four days off in a row, i dont ever get that.

i guess, you’re right. ok, thanks richie, i’ll be grateful for what i got.

good idea.

bet’s still on though, strikeout king.

fine with me.

86. Lane McFadden

anthony pierce.

major league leader in hits, runs, and rock.

speaker of the beautiful truths, and even prettier lies.

rookie of the year last year

comeback player of the year.

dont call it a comeback

well, ive been here for years

don’t i know it, birthday brother

october twenty second

five foot ten

hundred and sixty pounds

i didnt vote for you this year.

thats okay, 2,516,016 other people did.

still keeping your bats in a humidor?

still watching all that porn?

raylene

tera

the strokes?

the slits.

the hives?

the vines.

white stripes?

redd kross.

belle and sebastian?

sea and the cake.

new tsar?

newest tsar.

how did you get the newest tsar!?

casey.

ichiro, you sly dog.

tony, you slick rick.

how’ve you been?

never been better.

look good.

feel good.

still got all those newspaper reporters after you?

phone still ringing like mad?

whats your secret shame, suzuki?

i bat left handed just to show off.

i write left handed so i can drink with my right.

wiskey?

rum.

rocks?

straight.

X?

E!

fbi?

xbi.

britney?

christina.

christinas so much hotter.

totally.

i met her at a club once.

i coulda met her at a club, but i was with a hotter chick.

you lie so bad.

you lie so bad too.

i dont lie.

you told everyone you dont speak english.

other than that.

when are you gonna hit .400?

when im thirty.

yeah, right.

and when im forty.

adios all star of all stars

sayonara, slacker of slackers