the email said,”

why don’t you ever say any bad things about yourself? You talk about asswipes, you sound like an asswipe.”

never one to turn down a request, crude as they may be, here goes my secret admirer.

heres all the bad things i can write about myself in four minutes. ready? set? go

watches sports constantly, likes strip clubs, smokes a pipe, not a crack pipe suckers, christian minister, slow safe driver, safe sexpert, talks dirty, on the computer a lot, doesn’t eat much, doesn’t sleep much, likes the bed, contradictory as hell, cheap, mad slacker, will probably say something wrong to your mother, laughs at his own jokes constantly, reads too many magazine, likes to make out all day, bad cook, messy as hell, wants 8 kids, not motivated at all by money, thinks he’s destined to burn in h e double hockey sticks, compliments way too much, doesn’t speak french well, doesn’t like to do the dishes, homebody, eats a lot of pie, horrible memory, lucky in lust, reads poetry, watches hella tv, will call you on your shit, terrible memory, bad dresser, likes to drink, tons of friends, hates the phone, will never divorce you, thinning hair, hates the cold, has no problem with porn, likes bikinis with prints designed with the image of revolutionary Che Guevara.

happy, giselle?

but to answer your first question. its my belief that the devil lies hidden in the part of your brain that tells you that all those things are bad. and they’re what’s keeping you from what you want in your life.

as if the devil was going to be dressed as a pretty girl, or wear a red suit and twirl his tail and knock at your door with a see through briefcase of hundreds, a box of acid laced sugar cubes and the dallas cowboy cheerleaders.

some might say that the devil isn’t that creative. i say he doesn’t need to be. the list of things that freak us out are so basic and predictable all the guy has to do is start with your face your ass your hair and your gut and rinse and repeat. if he really needs to get at you he can remind you how little money you have in savings, that your girl might be thinking of leaving you, and how closer you are to death.

don’t kid yourself into thinking hes not there, acknowledge him, but pay him no mind.

be worried if you cant hear him.

be terrified if you believe a word.

envious of: bitchen’s visit to fenway

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