today’s bagel day

and nobody calls in sick on bagel day. people who i never see around the office suddenly are in the kitchen with their plastic knives and their blueberry bagels and the schmeer.

that’s not how you spell it.

oh, hi blog.

hi tony, hows it going?


you know what tony, i used to like being your blog, but you’ve turned into such a whiney little bitch lately. i swear.

get bent.

you have everything in the world. everything. everything that matters at least. but you’re missing one very important thing.

oh, please tell me, oh all-knowing bloggy blog blog.

omniscient. the word is omniscient. be concise for pete sake. people have jobs they have to get back to.


you need to learn how to be a man, tony pierce. this pouting stuff. i know where you get it from. you get it from anna and ashley and it’s ok if youre a cute blonde chick, but its really not even attractive for a grown man.

dude, i know i know. trust me, the last person, the last thing i need is a blog to tell me how to be a man.

best thing you ever had, motherfucker.

i know what a man is, blog. theres a look a man gives you who isnt a whiner. the same look you get from a man who works at a brick factory in kabul for $2.50 a day. confident, strong, beaten but not broken.


but sometimes, blog, it’s ok for a fella to let down the facade and cry into his corn meal.

for a second, yes. but for a week? uh, no.

why not for a week? why not for two weeks. why not get it out and be done with it?

because theres work to do, superhero.

gotta build a brick shithouse do i?

no, that job’s already taken. your job is to show them how its done. and spread the word.

i thought that was your job, slacker.

no, my job is to sit here an look pretty, and i sure do look pretty. now get to work, fuckr.

ok, blog. fine.

wishing: i had a dirty car

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