i never saw this sign before and i followed the arrow to a long line.

after about an hour i made it to the front of the line and said hello to the woman who said hello back at me.

yes, hi. i was wondering where i can find pants. i have no pants.

you can find pants at the store.

she rang a bell.

next!

no no. please i have a few more questions. i heard that on new year’s day we can be re-judged.

dont believe your dreams. you didnt follow or believe them on Earth, Hell shouldnt be any different.

yes, but i shouldnt be here. i wasnt all that bad. plus i loved the Lord.

do you want to fill out a complaint?

may i?

no.

she rang a bell again.

next!

just a few more questions, please. im new here.

you didnt take the orientation yet?

no. what orientation?

you need to go to the Welcome Center and tell them youre new.

will they give me pants?

no. you get pants at the store. they will also have shirts for you there too.

when will i get pants?

pardon me?

i am trying to be nice here and i am getting no satisfaction.

what sort of satisfaction were you looking for?

i dont know. doesnt the squeaky wheel get the grease?

she pulled a chain and a bucket of hot grease dumped on me.

it was hot.

and greasy.

she rang a bell.

next

i told her i didnt believe her. the torch lights threw dramatic shadows across her face. she toweled off the grime and sweat and soot and dna i kept waiting for a penis to pop out from down there but it never did.

her tail flicked around as she dragged a comb through her hair and when she was finished she sat down with me.

i hate you, tony.
join the club.
you disgust me.
youre not the first.
i only fuck you because it keeps my mind off of whats going on here.
whats going on here?
misery.
just look away.
but its everywhere.
pretend its just wallpaper.
cant you hear the screams?
all i hear is “hells bells.”
where do you hear that?
it comes on after “runnin with the devil.”
are you insane?
how come i only see you here at the sex palace?
cuz i work here.
did you have a lot of sex when you were alive?
about the average amount.
whats the average amount?
twice a week.
did you have a boyfriend?
i never didnt have a boyfriend.
i woulda thought you woulda had more sex than just twice a week.
at first, yeah, but after a while is slows down.
how old were you when you died?
25.
how many guys had you done it with?
7.
do you wish you woulda done it more?
yes.
do you wish you woulda done it with more guys?
a few.
why didnt you?
dumb. i didnt want people to think i was a ho.
people like who?
i dont know. me.
what woulda made you a ho?
i could have been a ho so easy.
are you a ho here?
kinda.
how many guys do you do it with here a day?
three or four.
isnt that ho-ish?
sorta, but it’s work, and it makes people happy to watch.
am i the best guy you ever did it with?
next question.
am i the biggest?
not even close.
do any famous guys down here?
napolean.
napolean?
yeah, they flamethrew him almost right away he was so bad.
ever do chicks?
nah, thats creeps me out.

so they didnt have any work for me so i hung out at the sex palace and flamethrew some lameasses.

then a nice girl asked me to join her on stage. she looked pretty good and the guy next to me assured me that she was a girl – i highly recommend getting a second opinion in these matters if you ever find yourself down here.

so we went at it.

at first people flamed us a little, but as we got to know each other everything worked out and people shut up and beat off to us.

when we were done they applauded and then blew flames at the sky in appreciation.

then at us, as is customary.

the chick didnt really want to talk to me. she just wanted to smoke. that was fine. i just wanted to drink some more fire water and get my thoughts together.

we did it three more times before i went back to my little cave. the third time they didnt flame us at all, they threw rocks at us, which is the highest compliment at the sex palace.

at first i didnt know, so i caught a rock and whipped it back at them.

you have pretty good aim here so it wasnt like they were trying to hit us they were just trying to miss by a little. what happens is the “performers” have to stand still and the flying rocks form a little outline around us and it looks pretty from the luxury boxes.

fireworks go off, pyrotechnics, canons.

later a big man in a three peice suit asked me if i wanted to work at the sex palace permanantly. he said they were always looking for a few guys, since they normally burn out quick.

the puns in hell are neverending.

i told him that i appreciated his offer but i didnt want to sign up for anything permanent in hell for the time being and he slipped me his card but i handed it back because i still havent figured out where to get any pants in this damned place.

they play “hells bells” constantly here and sometimes i think it’s so that we’d get sick of it, but i never do.

and i never will.

jason sutter

Speaking of Ryan, I was referred to another site from his – tonypierce.com. Now, to be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t really see what the big deal was when I first went there. Perhaps, I wasn’t paying attention. Or perhaps it’s because I’m not really a big fan of Kurt Cobain and for days on end this is all I saw when I went there.

Either way, I now see why the entire blog world is in love with this guy. His writing is fantastic. I have become another fan.

Haha. Anyway, I feel kind of nerdy and gay talking about blogs so I will desist. For now.. *gasp*

– Chrystal

popie.blogspot.com

people think that if they say nice things about me it will give me a big head. they’re so wrong.

i’m in love with tony pierce

– Anonymous

fastharddeep.diaryland.com

the truth is, it helps me in lots of ways.

especially here in hell.

i got to eat cold pizza and ginger ale today.

im sure there will be side effects of some sort, but so far so good.

i do have some new year resolutions, which is weird cuz i rarely anything like this.

i resolve to lose my beer gut. i resolve to get my biceps bigger. i resolve to get some decent clothes this year.

i resolve to have at least two posts a day and at least two quality posts a week.

i resolve to write more about ashley while she and i remain friends.

i resolve to cut down on my soda intake here in my cave. more water, less dr. pepper.

i resolve to have a sequel to Blook out before baseball season starts, and this time i will actually publicize it.

i resolve to date more, take more risks, like actually saying hi to hot babes.

i resolve to download more music, burn more cds, and go to more movies.

i resolve to keep trying to get a job writing professionally and not take it so hard when they laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

popie