kissed some of the prettiest girls on the globe, flown in impossible machines, graduated from the finest college in santa barbara, and even been lauded praise by my local paper as having the most entertaining web log in los angeles.

and with all due respect to all of those experiences and acheivements, the greatest accolade that i have ever received is getting a link on the Snoop Doggy Blog.

today is Snoop Doggs birthday and he deserves our praise.

born in a not-so-wonderful part of Los Angeles, caught up in drug dealing and pimping, Snoop turned a bad situation into a good one. i might even say he turned it into a great one. he not only became one of the leading hip hop stars of all time, but his fashion sense and his overall style is second to none.

from his first track with dr. dre on the deep cover soundtrack, to being the secret weapon on dre’s first solo album the chronic, all the way through to this years “beautiful” with pharrell, snoop has provided the groundwork for the laid back slick west coast flava that has reigned over hip hop throughout the last twenty years.

cadillac made a huge mistake, in my opinion, when they chose not to build the snoop de ville. african americans have proven that they will embrace a quality caddy as seen by the huge success of the escalade. why gm decided to lisence the fine music of led zeppelin (admitted and documented heroin users, pediphiles, drunkards, and satan worshipers) instead of the rhymes and phat beats of the d-o- double g.

it doesnt surpise me that snoop is a libra.

the tenents of love, peace, the mellow flow, style, and grace are all typical libra traits – pure snoop dogg.

and he represents like very few before or since.

happy birthday bigg snoop dogg.

my favorite rapper of all time.

you will soon agree that i have the greatest friends in the world. no offense to everyone else and all their friends, but mine rule the galaxy and im so happy to have them and yesterday two of them got married and the weather was perfect and a band was set up on one side of the alter and a bar was on the other and people kissed and danced and ate and drank and theres no way i will do the event any justice, but i will try.

bonnie and charlie met at the newspaper where all of us worked at. one of bonnies friends said at the wedding on the mic that they “floundered” when they were first starting to date. far as i know that was the only time that they ever floundered at anything. theyve since both been absolute all stars, brilliant, and wonderful, and when they asked me to perform their service it was impossible for me to say no.

i was nervous for weeks about this thing. i had never done anything this important involving God before, involving vows before, involving peoples parents and grandparents and photographers and witnesses and things that people will remember for ever and ever before.

still i procrastinated worse than i have in years.

id never played more Playstation2 till i had to write that sermon.

got there a little late, realized that my notes werent going to fit in the bible, so i wrote them on a half sheet of paper as my friends, the corvids set up. the sight of the mexican blanket under the drum set comforted me somehow. all i had eaten all day was a spoonful of icing. the bar had been open for the people setting up the wedding, but i got to them too late, they shut it down when they realized that my friends were drunkards and they were in danger of all the booze being drained before the first guests arrived.

i coulda really used a shot, instead i told them that i was the preacher and could i bother them for a bottle of water. they obliged. thankfully i didnt have to use that card again all night.

hardest part of the show was getting people to sit down. i asked them nicely, i asked them not so nicely, but everyone was so happy to see each other there in the hidden courtyard in union station that they didnt understand that the deed was about to get doned.

finally they began to sit, i stood at the alter alone with my bible, i nodded to dan kern who tickled the ivories and charlie the groom in his black velvet suit walked down the aisle. his dad was still talking to his soon-to-be- relatives and charlie said, dad, sit down, will ya.

it was classic.

so then me and charlie stood there and i told him that i was sorry if my breath smelled but someone had given me a shot out of their flask and charlie said that was my flask and we smiled at each other and when he saw bonnie come down the stairway all decked out like a movie star from the 20s he said wow!

which is what you want to hear from someone who has known his bride-to-be for 13 years.

she walked down the aisle and everyone clapped, and when she got to me i gave them time to look at each other and i said dearly beloved and people sat down.

the rest of the service went by like a flash. i did my best not to talk too quickly, thanks to the advice of karisa and chris, but still if you blinked you would miss it.

the jokes went over well, the sweet parts landed sweetly, and at the end everyone was in tears. mission accomplished.

then the couple walked together up the aisle and into the train station and took the orient express to maui and i invited the crowd to the bar as the corvids set up.

we drank and danced for maybe six hours, and i went home in a daze. it was a beautiful event full of wonderful people.

i remember at the rehearsal dinner the night before meeting bonnies 90+ yr old grandmother who asked me to make sure the ring was put on tightly. after the service she told me what a good job i had done. being that she was a straight shootin texas woman, i believed her, tipped the bartender generously and floated home.

my buzznet pictures from the day + more buzznet pics

check out mc browns great pics of the evening.

is to ordain ministers and not make it very hard to become ordained.

yeah, you’ll get some idiots in there, but you’ll also get some superstars.

two things you get to do if youre a minister in america is marry people, and talk to prisoners.

tomorrow im going to marry two people.

its my first time doing it, and im very nervous.

ive had to speak in front of large groups many times before but this time Gods gonna be there.

i dont wanna fuck up.

the happy couple’s first date was on a special night more than ten years ago where almost all of our friends were in attendence.

four of our friends had new group

baby dangerously

they sat on stools and sang beautiful songs.

everyone had dressed up

coulter was the bartender and he mixed the most wonderfully delicious intoxicants,

and after the music, everyone started making out.

and the stereo was playing and the vibe was like nothing ive ever felt before or since

and everyone was dressed up and young and beautiful and buzzed not drunk not drugged

loved

love was in the air

it was

it was

kissed six girls walked one home and kissed her too.

i saw one guy get cornered by two girls

so when i found out that bonnie and charlie had their first date that night

there

with us

i felt a lot better about being the mc of their dance

these two have traveled the world together since then, and theyve traveled the world alone.

charlie was one of my roommates when i lived with layne and don and dan and mike and for a little while, kip, and shira, and chris, my true love.

during the proceedings i wont say anthing about the time that charlie fell from on top of the giant christmas tree in union square on new years eve and broke his back

and rescue 9-11 happened to be there and shot it and showed it on tv hosted by william shatner, i believe.

i am blessed to have the greatest friends in the world.

one time charlie and bonnie had a thanksgiving dinner at their house and the food was probably the best food ive ever had in my entire life and that includes the meals ive had in some of the best restaurants in paris, rome and isla vista.

charlie was the editor and cheif of the daily nexus the year after i graduated and one of the best reporters we had when i was there. he and morgan were a writing team for a while and it totally worked perfectly and it was so great watching them huddled in front of one computer brainstorming and teamworking and laughing and rocking.

bonnie was the editor of the art’s and entertainment section of the daily nexus two years after i was.

the daily nexus had a history of winning tons of awards but one that we hadnt ever gotten before was for best arts section in california.

only because of the help of doug arellanes, amy langfield, jeff whalen, todd francis, denis faye, brian banks, and mr pat whalen, was i able to win it in 90.

bonnie won it in 92 all by herself.

she plays the cello.

for awhile these guys lived in frisco for a while they lived in austin and now they live here in la with all of us and most of us will watch this thing but i’ll be the one with the crazy view.

good thing theyre going to be together forever or id be really nervous.

“can the red sox and cubs play for third place?”

thats something that if i was president of the united states, i would immediately mandate.

nobody wants to see this miserable world series.

everyone wants to see the cubs vs the red sox.

give the money to charity or some shit. i dont know. i dont care.

all i know is it would triple the ratings of the fish and the fuckees.

i am so sleepy, america. it’s finally catching up to me.

if i could i would sleep all weekend, but i have to be a preacher on sunday, my first time ever.

differnce between the losers world series is that i would make it all day games when they played at wrigley.

the way it ought to be.

the way God intended.

and buck beers for the kids.

maybe afterwards for the fenway games aerosmith, the cars, and the pixies could play

and at wrigley cheap trick, smashing pumpkins and ministry could rock.

i dont know.

better than thinking about different ways to jump off bridges.

in 1984 i was brand new to california. i moved here to get away from the problems of my youth. little did i know that such idealism is childish and after leon bull durham let a simple grounder scoot through his legs, allowing steve garvey to have the chance to hit the homerun that knocked the 84 cubs out of the playoffs, setting the stage for the first time that i cried over my baseball team.

after i was finished sobbing i decided that the only way that i could fix these pressing issues was to either making my lifes goal to be the manager of the chicago cubs and leading them to victory, or buying the cubs and running them with some sort of passion and interest.

this morning i realized that i might just have to start raising the money to buy the cubs or forever learn to live with this sick rotting nauseous feeling that is fermenting in the pit of my gut.

what do you do when your dreams will never become realized?

where do you go when all the beer at wrigley wont satisfy?

the beer vendors at the friendly confines come right to your seat and pour two cupfulls at a time to numb the oncoming pain. and if you dont think its pain, youre high.

or a yankee fan.

the meek will inherit the earth but i dont want the damn earth, i want a ring.

i want to wear a hoodie that says cubs world champs on the front and fuckers on the back.

it seems like i want so little and i cant even have that. i dont care any more if i never get a car, or a house, or kids, or even a hot wife who wouldnt mind being nice once in a while.

ive completely given up on having a career of any substance.

is it really asking so much to hope that the Tribune Corp will make a few more moves this winter, sign a free agent closer or three, spend a little money, and take this horrible monkey off our backs?

sadly, i think its far too much to ask.

which is why you will always find good drinkers in red sox and cub fans.

which is why karisa and i will be friends forever.

bambinos curse + doc searls + ken layne + low culture

i went to a strip club for the red sox tonight.

the cheerleaders had come over to the hollywood cabana. they wanted to cheer me up, ironically. i told them that i was already cheered up. they said what about the xbi, we thought you had gotten in trouble.

i was all, fuck trouble, nothings worse than what the cubs just went through.

70. jack b.

they laughed, mixed some drinks and asked me where i wanted to watch the red sox game.

i told them that i wanted to watch it at home.

they called me no fun and we drank and smoked and played a quick game of scrabble because im addicted and then the game was getting too close so i told them that if they were still motivated that i would like to go to a strip club to watch the rest of the game.

they were game, so we went to cheetahs on sunset.

71. allison

i asked the big armenian doorman if the game was on inside.

he was all looking at the girls. didnt look at me when he said yeah i think theres a game on in there.

a game?

none of our IDs even got checked, just let us in, there was a big screen

the

game was on and i ordered a round and sat at the foot of the catwalk and the girls got some quarters for pool

and i watched the game until a particularly frisky exhibitionist began to dance within my sightline of the game

72. abigail

she didnt dance like the others. hard to really call it dancing, to be truthful.

she moved around the stage like the music kept getting shot through her feet buckling her knees and curving her back and then out through her head and flailing arms

like she was dry humping the

then she caught my eyes

locked on,

as her hair fell over her eyes and nose and smile.

they play the music pretty quiet at the cheetahs on sunset blvd in los feliz down the street from the vista theatre. not quiet quiet but she was dancing to marilyn mansons latest, mobSCENE, and it was lets not wake the neighbors level but she didnt mind.

none of the girls minded.

73. xtracyx

they all wore super tall see through hard plastic 8 inch heels. one tattooed punk rocker wore wooden high heels and the shortest short shorts i think ive ever seen. perfect hair. music that ive never heard before. everyone was ridiculously skinny.

one chick had long long spider legs and they all had to wear pasties but they were cute and i just wanted to watch the game.

and i dont know if everyone was distracted by two semi drunk cheerleaders playing air guitar with pool cues but nobody pestered me with offers of lap dances

and i got to say fuck unmolested when aaron boone who shouldnta even been a yankee if life was fair gave us one more soaring reason to hate the yankees and ive never seen a ball just float away like that before.

j_e_g + these pictures make me very happy + dan the goose

this is “L.A.’s most entertaining Web log.”

i kid. i kid cuz i care.

you can see their article here. registration is required or you can type in laexaminer as the user and laexaminer as the password.

came into work today…check that… drove into work today thanks to the transit strike and listened to tony kornheiser laugh cuz life is fine as long as youre not a cub fan. got here. read the email. expected the hammer to come down, but it didnt. it was postponed for a later date.

nothin worse than your boss keeping you waiting before he lays into you.

good thing im a perfect employee who is blameless and never makes a mistake. 🙂

compile your info against me, good people, i will be ready. as suicidal tendencies once screamed, you cant bring me down.

now back to my local page.

they mentioned my name.

69. Howard O.

the dude who wrote the article today about LA “Web logs” interviewed me a week or two ago — time really is lost on me right now since everything has revolved around the playoffs lately — and we talked for what i thought was not long enough, but probably longer than i would have if i was on Letterman.

and then i talked shit about him on this page.

and then he emailed me about it

and i responded in email form, and he responded back.

and in the end he praised me with probably the best compliment one could get.

so thank you, James Verini, of the LA Times. you are a far better man than i.

some of the things ive written about my local paper over the last year or two.