last night and you know what i did? i got home, i fixed myself a nice little drink, my dog fetched me my slippers and pipe, and when the delivery boy from the local italian place brought over my pasta with white sauce i tipped him enormously and turned on my tivo.

and guess what was on my tivo.

mr roger clemens pitching against mr mark prior. cubs + astros.

im a nerd. pretty big nerd. idiots misunderstand me and theres not much i can do about that. if i had kids id advise them to ignore the idiots whenever possible. but kids dont listen so fuck them too.

the idiots dont understand my nerdiness and if they did maybe theyd see my true self. some would think that i need a half dozen barely legal college girls to be happy, full email boxes of praise, and fat lines of cocaine on the bare bottoms of vacationing nba cheerleaders to feel right. but its so not true.

a little bacardi, a crispy slice of garlic bread, and thou.

thou being my cubbies of course.

i fucked up last year in october when the cubs were making their run for the world series and im still paying for it at the xbi but whatever. if thats all theyve got on me then im better than they give me credit for.

all i know is before id finished my first tumbler of rum n coke the cubbies were up by four at minute maide park, formerly enron field. and this is against the rocket, who at 41 years old had started this campaign 9-0. and again i state to the court that age is bullshit.

mark prior was shutting the astros out and it had nothing to do with the fact that he is 23. it had to do with the fact that he was getting healthy again. and his fastball moved and his curve was breaking, and his spots were perfect and his control was pinpoint and because some things were meant to be, like pb and j like shaq and kobe, like you n me.

prior was on fire and so was the scrappy todd walker who nobody wanted. who nobody picked to bat over 300 for the northsiders, but there he was in the top of the ninth a double away from the cycle and he pulled it left handed down the right field line and it was hooking hooking foul. damn. i guess he will hover at .280, but whats this, on the next pitch he sent it sailing over the right field wall for his second homer of the game. todd walker, lead off man.

and so the cubs have won their third game in a row.

and handed the rocket his first loss, a little forshadowing of what will happen in rocktober.

and my phone rang but i didnt answer it. and the computer hummed but i ignored it. and then the door knocked and it wasnt really a knock it was a tap so i went to it and saw it was clipper girls cousin and she said hi and i said hi and she asked if there was anything she could do for me on account of my hands and i said you could hold my hand.

so she did.

we watched a little tv and she asked if she could type for me and i said, its cool i can type and she said no no let me. so we went over to the computer and she sat on my lap and she wrote the little thing about linda and it was real sweet. and she made us some malts with the ice cream in my fridge and when i passed out in my lay-z-boy she closed the french doors, turned down the nirvana live dvd, kissed my forehead and excused herself to the guest room.

and in the morning i saw a lipstick kiss on my head and i figured it all out.

with a little help from the ceiling cam.

and tonight the lakers will remind the pistons who’s zooming whom.

the deputy + vortexia + katie

long hair. bare feet. short nails. hot eyes. brown skin. smooth cheeks. wild mind. hard tounge. somehow bigger than life. somehow from another place entirely. somehow found the best people to migrate with. somehow made everyone better who she mixed in with. if msg had titties. nice full non allergic ones.

on a campus surrounded by beach there were hot chicks everywhere. she was the type of girl who was so sexy that she made you repeatedly reevaluate your girlfriend.

youd think things like my girlfriend doesnt climb trees. or walk around in a dayglow strapless bikini top and cut offs. my girlfriend cant roll a joint one handed while telling you about the dead show she was at last weekend. my girlfriend doesnt have lips like those or eyes like those or stories like hers or energy like her or pixie dust falling from her everythings.

and lots of the boys would say the wrong things to her and she would just exhale and run off or hop on an awaiting scooter.

magic powers of seductiveness that was equalparts innocent and guilty witchcraft and so natural.

she once made a man jump out of a two story building wearing a dress breaking both of his legs.

no one knows what she did or what she said to the young man to make him do such a thing

but theres no doubt

shes to blame.

she might even agree that shes to blame.

well somehow she ended up in the navy.

and the navy tamed her.

some folks say she was ready to be tamed and the navy was the luckier of the two because she could have sunk the whole damn fleet if she wanted, but she not only obeyed, she excelled.

one night she visited me in my san francisco bachelor pad, at the time she was stationed at treasure island, not far away.

in the middle of the night i noticed she wasnt next to me and i heard scrubbing and i went into the bathroom and she explained how she hadnt cleaned a head in over a day and it was weird for her.

so i let her clean the head.

real good.

so it wouldnt be weird for her.

and now shes a prison guard working death row.

where all the inmates love her.

and just last week she was on her vacation and she came through town and we ate at fred 62, the hip little coffee shop on vermont, and we drove around hollywood and beverly hills and sunset plaza drive, and everyone has a few people in their lives who will always love you and in their eyes you can do no wrong.

and thats

how i feel about linda.

lesbian + bukkake + berkley

hi tony, shouldnt you be resting your hands.

work has been slow last week, and today wasnt slow but it wasnt insane, so i figure i got 15 minutes i can write you with.

sweet, thanks.

what do you think about what that dude from ucla said?

i think you should get a second opinion and see if you could be doing permenant damage to your hands.

i know.

will you?

probaly not.

you suck.

i do.

dont you want to be a famous writer when you grow up?

i am a famous writer.

no, like really famous. like so famous that people will say, “holy shit, you want to put your new story in our magazine? yes! please do! and heres a basket of money!” ?

you make it sound so much different than how i imagine it.

well thats what its like. your hands, however, have to work properly.

i just want to tell good stories.

oh, well, in that case youre fucked. noone has any good stories to tell.

i do i do!

tell me a good story then.

one upon a time i met a girl named anna kournikova. anna at the time had never made love with an american. or a black man. so we considered her a virgin. the way she pronounced it was were-gin. it was cute. eventually we were doing it all the time and it was great.

(snoring)

then one day she said, you know what, blogger, i think i do want you as my boyfriend. but i said, nah, you need someone better than me. someone cooler. richer. who has his own car, and a good job. i could get killed flying for the xbi and then where you’d be.

tony, no offense but im sleepwalking. get to the point.

and then we both got carpal and had to retire, the end.

thats a terrible story, tony.

i know bloggy, but my bus is about to come.

ok, cool, write a better one tomorrow, k?

k.

It’s one of the best reads out there. But man, if I were you I’d drop the keyboard and never touch it again. RSIs like carpal tunnel are NOT something you can gut out and work through. The more you do it, the worse it gets.

I know. Here’s my story.

In Jan ’97 I remember feeling new wrist pain out of nowhere. I took it pretty easy after that. But it was dot-com times so I got a sweet job programming in May. By September I had to quit. Diagnosis: tendonitis of the wrist.

Here’s a list of things I tried: stretching, good posture, exercises, breaks, massages, Rolfing (more massages), drinking lots of water, Kinesis ergonomic keyboard (awesome keyboard, but way too late to make a difference), fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm, anti-inflammatory meds, soaking my arms in warm water to bring down the inflammation, creative visualization.

I did all of that shit way too late, it would have made a difference BEFORE the pain, but by the time the pain shows up, it’s too late.

So I headed back to school, cut way back on the typing. But it just got worse. After 3 months in school I couldn’t even write with a pen without pain. It took me a year of doing nothing before I recovered enough to be able to write and read. My wrists still hurt today, but I can function, I can type a lot. But I’ll never be able to work a full-time coding gig again, which sucks, cuz damn could I use the money.

If I could go back in time, I’d go back to Jan 1997, slap myself in the head and force myself at gunpoint to never touch a keyboard. Take a year vacation from keyboards, let all that cumulative damage repair itself. Cuz I ended up taking that year off later, only I was stuck with permanent damage to boot. And jokes from my friends about whacking

off too much.

I’d hate to not be able to read your blog, but dude, I’d hate even worse not to see you wrecked the same way my wrists were.

And I know other coders with the same story. There’s so much other shit in life to do, and permanent damage is seriously on the line.

But you’ll probably be as stubborn as I was — I regret how stubborn I was, how long I stuck in there, making things get worse and worse.

So if you have to keep going, at least check out voice recognition software like DragonDictate and NaturallySpeaking — this software wasn’t very good when I was coding, but it’s come a long way, I tried it 3 years ago and it was decent. And it would work a lot better for a blogger than for a coder.

The other thing is, don’t let them operate on you. From what I read on the internet, and from friends’ stories: that shit never helps for long. At BEST it’ll bring the symptoms down for a while before you relapse again.

– Jon from UCLA

doc searls + my perfect wife moxie + sksmith

here is a busblog flashback from 6/14/2002, the day that the Lakers had their last victory parade

today is flag day happy flag day, flag.

it’s okay in my book to celebrate such a day especially when our nation’s flag is the coolest of all and our state flag is pretty awesome as well.

somehow this week i forgot to tell you about our pal Ben getting a column published in FoxNews.com, which makes me think that FoxNews should just hire me to pick the columnists that will make their pages mightier.

one thing i learned in my teens selling stereos and tvs on commision is you want people to buy more than just one item. same should go with having people click on more than one link on your news site.

so if youre going to present to the world Ben Sullivan, you really should run a column from his sister Kate.

if youre going to run Layne, run Welch too.

or if you’re going to give the world Welch, let them discover his talented wife Emmanuelle as well.

post a point-counterpoint from two law professors, like Reynolds and Volokh.

on the old days at Wrigley they used to have Ladies Day on Wednesday, i wouldnt mind seeing Rabbit, Sara, Virginia, Seipp, Amy, Solent, and Dawn take over a column for a week.

ok, now i have to go back to my tv to watch the parade.

i hope Shaq freestyles again.

eric richardson + franklin ave. + travis smith

never have i warned you that i wouldnt be writing.

even if i went on vacation there would be blog entries. even if i was sick. even if there was a rolling blackout. even if i was experiencing carpal tunnel.

im not warning you so that you can fill my comments with tips or well wishes or sympathy or pity, but just so that you would know that the blogging will be light for a little while.

if it were me, there would be no change in production. but its my supervisors at the xbi. the higher ups. after years of disparaging my good name, suddenly theyre terribly interested in my good health.

as a boy growing up in the suburbs of chicago, once i saw walter payton playing space invaders at the driving range next to my house. i asked the shopkeep if he could give me a pen and a peice of paper so i could get walter’s autograph and he said no. so i swiped a business card and ran through the christmas tree farm and to my house on the other side. i got a pen and ran back. as i arrived i saw sweetness being driven away in a jeep.

i ran with my hand up after the grand cherokee and i hoped he could see me through the dust that he was kicking up and soon i saw brakelights and i ran to the passenger side and there he was good old number thirty four. white sweat band, short fro, top gun pilot sunglasses on reflecting my image in each lens.

he signed the business card and told me to stay in school.

and since then no athlete has replaced him as my favorite player of all time.

if walter had a blog, he’d write through anything.

he’d keep his head down and blast through motherfuckers, he’d shimmy thisaway and end up thataway.

people say i idolize bukowski, i do, but i try to emulate payton.

power grace style soul

and a suprise in every box.

my old pal linda showed up this weekend lookin hot and spent the night last night and you’d think being a prison guard on death row in utah you’d meet some fine men but apparently if youre not mormon the pickins are slim.

so lets hope the lady has luck in vegas tonight.

pardon me, miss montreal has arrvied to help me with my finger excercises.

beth + ben + wKen show

reminding writers, diarists, and bloggers everywhere, that you never know how important your writings may be. so write. write all the time. and write about everything.

– – – – – – – – –

3 Oct. 1942.

Dearest Marianne,

It’s been a few days again since I last wrote, but a lot of really bad things have happened in the meantime. Yesterday they went on at me because I lay on the bed beside Mr. v. Pels. At your age, for shame!, and suchlike expressions. Silly of course. I would never want to sleep with Mr. v. Pels in the general sense of the word I mean of course. This morning Miep told us that last night they were dragging Jews from house after house again in South Amsterdam. Horrible. God knows which of our acquaintances are left. A crippled old woman was sitting on Miep’s doorstep because she couldn’t walk and so the scoundrels went to fetch a car, meanwhile the poor person had to wait out in the cold (she wasn’t allowed to go indoors) and there was terrible shooting. You just can’t imagine how awful it all is, I am only so glad that we are here. There was another dust-up yesterday and Mummy kicked up a frightful row, she told Daddy just what she thought of me and had an awful fit of tears so, of course, off I went too, and I’d got such a frightful headache anyway. Finally I told Daddy that I’m much more fond of “him” than Mummy, to which he replied that I’d get over that. But I don’t believe it. I simply can’t stand Mummy, and I have to force myself not to snap at her all the time and to stay calm with her, I could easily slap her face, I don’t know how it is that I have taken such a terrible dislike to her. Daddy said that I should sometimes volunteer to help Mummy, when she doesn’t feel well or has a headache; but I shan’t since I don’t like her and I don’t feel like it. I would certainly do it for Daddy, I noticed that when he was ill. Also it’s easy for me to picture Mummy dying one day, but Daddy dying one day seems inconceivable to me. It may be very mean of me, but that’s how I feel. I hope that Mummy won’t ever read “this” or any of the other things.

Peter has something wrong with his foot again, that softy, and it’s easy to see that he is in love. Yesterday I cut out the coupons, that’s quite a nice little job. Peeling potatoes is something else I often do these days, but I dread shelling peas. Today I have to read things in the prayer book, I have no idea why Mummy wants to force me to do that, but I’ll do it to oblige her and above all for Pim.

Mummy has just said that if we ever get back home and are allowed to stay, we shall probably take in the Goslar baby, I think that’s terrific; but I don’t think we would ever let go of her again in that case. I have such a lovely book, it’s called “Eva’s youth.” The Eva in it thought that children grow like apples on a tree and that the stork plucks them off when they are ripe and carries them to their mothers. But her girl friend’s cat had kittens and they came out of the cat, then she thought that the cat lays eggs like a chicken, and then goes and sits on the brood, and that mothers who are having a baby go upstairs a few days earlier, lay an egg and sit on it, when the baby comes the mothers are still a bit weak from all the squatting. Eva wanted to have a baby too and so she took a woolen shawl, laid it on the ground so that the egg could drop into it and then squatted down and began to push. She tried clucking but no egg came out. In the end after all that long squatting something did come out of her but not an egg, a little sausage. Oh, Eva was so ashamed. And the maid thought she was sick. Funny isn’t it. I take my leave with this dear Marianne, next time more from

Anne Frank.

P.S. Regards to Jaap. I like you. You get my meaning don’t you?

bunnie + buzzmachine + sam shapiro

Can you please explain to me what the fuck is going on with your

Hamilton, Canada

Dear J-Mo,

let me tell you a few things about hollywood.

everywhere you look its beautiful.

every car you see is a porsche or a rolls or a classic mustang or a hummer or a monster truck lexus.

the girls come up to you in the streets and say i know you, youre tony pierce, i love you, i want you, ive been dreaming about you, lets do it right here up against this palm tree.

everyone is a star

everyone is hot

everyone is loaded

and everyone is cool

and the coolest of the cool, jack, is a laker fan, which thereby makes all things laker, ultracool.

when they played at the forum, that was cool.

now that they play at staples, and now thats the coolest.

the hottest cheerleaders in the world are the laker girls

the greatest announcer ever was chickie baby

and when you wonder how magic could not only beat hiv but become stronger by it, i bring you back to the start which is, this is hollywood, and to live here and to thrive here you pretty much have to beat hiv to remain ultracool

or live in a mansion with 6 blonde girlfriends

or light it up for 45 points in the playoffs after stepping off a private jet fresh from your rape trial

or swish a trey with point oh four seconds on the clock in san antone when it is almost physically impossible to catch a ball turn around and shoot in less than half a second.

no way were the los angeles lakers going to just blow out the detroit pistons after that derek fisher three in the alamo dome. thats not how things are done in hollywood.

this is how things are done in hollywood.

you lose the first game at home to remind the world that hello theres an nba finals going on. bitches.

then you sink a fadeaway three in the last two seconds of regulation to send game two into overtime. you blow em out in ot as forshadowing.

no way were the lakers going to slide into motown and sweep three there and make these finals boring.

no way were they probably even going to win two.

theyre just not as hungry as larry brown and rip hamilton and the good people of the motor city who will burn their town down for a week in glee if they can beat the four hall of fame lakers and their hall of fame coach.

so the lakers will win one game in detroit

and then win two in la. dramatically. incredibly. ultimately.

that was always in the script.

and the refs will continue to keep shaq in foul trouble at the palace in auburn hills, but when they all return to staples they will finally unchain kong and the humanoids will scatter.

and you might even see mr gary payton finally showing up a little bit.

who is the real x factor

and poised to be something more than a hasbeen who jumped on the bandwagon to collect a ring without really contributing when it mattered.

either that or kobe will just fucking errupt and live up to the mj hype

which is impossible of course.

outside of hollywood.

enjoy the show.

J. Mo + d lo + theives in the night

tonight

everlast, viper room

isley brothers + keith sweat, greek theatre

sheila e, hollywood park

yellowman, malibu inn

tomorrow 6/12

beastie boys + the strokes + the hives + modest mouse + velvet revolver + cypress hill + bad religion, verizon amphitheatre

mary chapin carpenter, the vault

kenny loggins, the greek

three dog night with symphony orchestra, cerritos center

david carradine & the soul dogs, bb kings

pigmy love circus, key club

the streets, wiltern

sunday 6/13

weirdos, el rey

alabama thunderpussy, spaceland

day of infamy, whiskey

tuesday 6/15

abandoned pools, viper room

doo doo heads, whiskey

wednesday 6/16

p.o.d, wiltern

jason mraz, disney concert hall

buckweat zydeco, house of blues

thursday 6/17

u.s air guitar championships, key club

gene loves jezebel, club 7969

friday 6/18

wu tang clan, orange pavillion

mary chapin carpenter, the canyon

tsol + dickies, museum of the american west

david cassidy, grove of anaheim

aaron clemens + xtracyx + jack bog