Monthly Archives: June 2004

napoleon dynamite

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directed by Jared Hess

starring Jon Heder, Jon Gries, Haylie Duff, and Efren Ramirez as Pedro

we were supposed to see Coffee and Cigarettes at the lemelle sunset but they were having this eating contest so we shared a plate of funnelcakes and watched the gorge fest.

apparently we had inadvertently crossed paths with the LA Film Fest. whatever. just living here is a gdamn film fest.

but a live eating contest, well thats entertainment.

the guy’s name was crazylegs and he had rounded up 5 people who were really good at eating certain things fast.

a hot dog eating guy

a guy who could eat a lot of boiled eggs

a spaghetti eating little kid

a guy who can eat a lot of pie

and a guy who could eat a lot of reese’s pieces

crazylegs beat the first guy pretty easily.

then he kicked the boiled eggs guy in the ass.

but then this little nine year old bobby brady lookin kid used his whole hand like a shovel and didnt mind getting dirty and destroyed the blonde dreadlocks bespeckled white dude named crazylegs.

people were shouting and cheering and this was a normal looking kid. a boy who just smiled in astonishment. everyone was staring and cheering and i was waiting for him to double over in pain but no, that amount of pasta hadnt affected the lad in the slightest, except for the slight staining around his mouth due to the sauce, nothing more than what a good paper towel and some mother’s spit couldnt remedy.

in the minute he ate probably five plates full of spaghetti and crazylegs, a grown man, who, youre right, did just eat about twenty hot dogs and thirty boiled eggs, but he is after all a professional.

after all that excitement we went up to the ticketbooth and saw that Napoleon Dynamite was playing.

The ads made it look stupid but what the hell, we had already received some free entertainment, the movie only had to be a little bit good and we could call it even.

Weird thing is, Napoleon Dynamite is actually a pretty good film. It’s outrageous, over-the-top, and very funny. and somehow, bizarrilly realistic.

Don’t miss the opening credits featuring a white stripes song.

three esthers.

dc pierson + treacher + i cant wait to vote

as a whole it was a shit week

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lakers totally folded.

madpony quit.

my favorite drummer from my favorite band hung up his cowboy hat.

my arms and hands felt like crud.

courtney love canceled her tour.

britney spears canceled her tour.

the olsen twins became legal and didnt fly to hollywood to have sex with me.

and miss montreal permanently gave me back my housekey.

and still somehow, even though i promised myself that i wouldnt blog this weekend, to give everything a break, i popped in johnny cash’s american iv: the man comes around and the itunes shuffled and began the session with the title track

my true love is flying home from cancun.

she took a vacation with a gaggle of european lesbians.

she called me from there one night and told me about how it had rained so hard that the little cabanas that they rented were flooding and the couple who rented the little fellas invited them into their home and fed them and opened up the house and let them stay there, which they did, and drank all night, and sang songs from many lands, and cooked dishes from everywhere.

she told me that she made the ladies my favorite breakfast treat, grits a la mode.

its not really a la mode, but that sure sounds better than a la bacon&eggs.

the trick is to make the grits a little watery and let the eggs be runny.

that way the grits dont soak up too much of the yolk right away and you have a shot at tasting the delicous endulgence.

i asked her how they found grits down in cancun but the phone kept cracking in and out on account of the stormy weather and i think she said that they actually had a big box of grits right there in the cupboard.

and then the connection started to be really bad

and i said baby i can only hear every other word that youre saying

she could hear me fine

i know because she said slowly with a little laugh

i…

love…

yoooouuuuuu…

tonight we will celebrate her 86th birthday

and maybe thats why im loving this friday night.

when she turned 20 + when she turned 21 + three days before we split

danielle doesnt like it when i ignore her.

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she doesnt work at the xbi but she works at the building that we occupy. and even though she says she reads my blog im not sure that she totally understands what i do for a living.

but whenever im around the office for lunchtime i like to eat with her cuz shes funny, shes smart, shes brutally honest, and there has never been a topic that she wont discuss with me.

and she hates wearing underwear.

danielle is half italian half jewish. shes half hippie half yuppie. shes all loud, all fun.

youd be suprised how depressing it can be saving the world. so its nice to have a happy girl to have a half sandwich and soup with on a june gloom friday.

she loves anthropologie and fishing. she likes to hike through the palisades and rich guys with loose wallets. she’ll flash you if you dare her so i dont dare her.

i dont have that many friends at the xbi. its sorta an unsaid rule cuz we drop like flies. and you never know who’s on the take who you’ll have to take for a little drive. and thats why its awesome that danielle doesnt work for us.

unless of course she works for someone who is trying to infiltrate us.

in which case she might get a little tour of the pacific via chopper one.

but i doubt it.

she likes the grateful dead and old school jazz.

she watched the whole last season of the sopranos with me, and now we’re gonna watch Deadwood.

she reads all the books i give her and she finds great details to talk about over thai.

she tells me that in two months shes going to be quitting her job at the flower stand downstairs and go to grad school in san diego.

i will miss her a ton.

i hope she keeps up her blog.

katzinjammer + lorie + la voice

this week in rock in la

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tonight 6/18

brian wilson + wilson philips + andy williams + robin gibb, hollywood bowl

dick dale, hollywood park

mary chapin carpenter, the canyon

david cassidy, grove of anaheim

tsol + dickies, museum of american west

saturday 6/19

kiss + poison, verison amphitheatre

lazy cowgirls, thunderbird (last show ever)

leaving trains, spaceland

harvey danger, troubador

sunday 6/20

carlos guitarlos, liquid kitty

monday 6/21

kmfdm, el rey

ozomatli, dragonfly

tuesday 6/22

the roots + 311 , long beach arena

legendary pink dots, troubador

ozomatli, dragonfly

wednesday 6/23

the dead, verizon aphitheatre

john doe, largo

tony bennet, the greek

juliana hatfield, knitting factory

ozomatli, dragonfly

thursday 6/24

dresden dolls, viper room

dickies + agent orange, vault 350

joe henry, largo

friday 6/25

auf der maur, troubador

bang tango, paladinos

two bed two bath + steven adams + lauren clued me on on madpony’s demise, thanks lauren

madpony calls it quits

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sandler

weeks after madpony started, the busblog was telling you about them. two sweet oklahoman sisters. one in highschool, one in a sorority at ou. but these were different sisters from oklahoma than all the others. they were special.

since then this site has posted profiles of both young women. their absence in the blogosphere will be deeply missed.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

i think it’s time to state the inevitable. madpony has come to an end. it’s been a very fun (almost) two years sharing my stories with you all, but i feel quite literally like i’m beating a dead horse.

– kristin, madpony.com

dumbass_dumberass: 🙁 🙁 🙁

kristin: hi sweetie

dumbass_dumberass: right before i found out about you, i found out that the drummer of tsar quit on monday

kristin: double sucks

kristin: i’m sorry 🙁

dumbass_dumberass: will you give me an exclusive interview

kristin: i guess 🙂

kristin: but not tonight

dumbass_dumberass: you dont have 15 minutes for your #2 fan?

kristin: oh sweetie

kristin: i’m just exhausted

dumbass_dumberass: 14 minutes?

kristin: sigh

dumbass_dumberass: should i blame your bf?

kristin: nah

dumbass_dumberass: whats the reason then?

kristin: i’m just tired of it

kristin: interview tomorrow if you want

how to blog

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by tony pierce, 110

1. write every day.

2. if you think youre a good writer, write twice a day.

3. dont be afraid to do anything. infact if youre afraid of something, do it. then do it again. and again.

4. cuss like a sailor.

5. dont tell your mom, your work, your friends, the people you want to date, or the people you want to work for about your blog. if they find out and you’d rather they didnt read it, ask them nicely to grant you your privacy.

6. have comments. dont be upset if no one writes in your comments for a long time. eventually they’ll write in there. if people start acting mean in your comments, ask them to stop, they probably will.

7. have an email address clearly displayed on your blog. sometimes people want to tell you that you rock in private.

8. dont worry very much about the design of your blog. image is a fakeout.

9. use Blogger. it’s easy, it’s free; and because they are owned by Google, your blog will get spidered better, you will show up in more search results, and more people will end up at your blog. besides, all the other blogging software & alternatives pretty much suck.

10. use spellcheck unless youre completely totally keeping it real. but even then you might want to use it if you think you wrote something really good.

11. say exactly what you want to say no matter what it looks like on the screen. then say something else. then keep going. and when youre done, re-read it, and edit it and hit publish and forget about it.

12. link like crazy. link anyone who links you, link your favorites, link your friends. dont be a prude. linking is what seperates bloggers from apes. and especially link if you’re trying to prove a point and someone else said it first. it lends credibility even if youre full of shit.

13. if you havent written about sex, religion, and politics in a week youre probably playing it too safe, which means you probably fucked up on #5, in which case start a second blog and keep your big mouth shut about it this time.

14. remember: nobody cares which N*Sync member you are, what State you are, which Party of Five kid you are, or which Weezer song you are. the second you put one of those things on your blog you need to delete your blog and try out for the marching band. similarilly, nobody gives a shit what the weather is like in your town, nobody wants you to change their cursor into a butterfly, nobody wants to vote on whether your blog is hot or not, and nobody gives a rat ass what song youre listening to. write something Real for you, about you, every day.

15. dont be afraid if you think something has been said before. it has. and better. big whoop. say it anyway using your own words as honestly as you can. just let it out.

16. get Site Meter and make it available for everyone to see. if you’re embarrassed that not a lot of people are clicking over to your page, dont be embarrassed by the number, be embarrassed that you actually give a crap about hits to your masterwork. it really is just a blog. and hits really dont mean anything. you want Site Meter, though, to see who is linking you so you can thank them and so you can link them back. similarilly, use Technorati, but dont obsess. write.

17. people like pictures. use them. save them to your own server. or use Blogger’s free service. if you dont know how to do it, learn. also get a Buzznet account. several things will happen once you start blogging, one of them is you will learn new things. thats a good thing.

18. before you hit Save as Draft or Publish Post, select all and copy your masterpiece. you are using a computer and the internet, shit can happen. no need to lose a good post.

19. push the envelope in what youre writing about and how youre saying it. be more and more honest. get to the root of things. start at the root of things and get deeper. dig. think out loud. keep typing. keep going. eventually you’ll find a little treasure chest. every time you blog this can happen if you let it.

20. change your style. mimic people. write beautiful lies. dream in public. kiss and tell. finger and tell. cry scream fight sing fuck and dont be afraid to be funny. the easiest thing to do is whine when you write. dont be lazy. audblog at least once a week.

21. write open letters. make lists. call people out on their bullshit. lead by example. invent and reinvent yourself. start by writing about what happened to you today. for example today i told a hot girl how wonderfully hot she is.

22. when in doubt review something. theres not enough reviews on blogs. review a movie you just saw, a tv show, a cd, a kiss you just got, a restaurant, a hike you just took, anything.

23. constantly write about the town that you live in.

24. out yourself. tell your secrets. you can always delete them later.

25. dont use your real name. dont write about your work unless you dont care about getting fired.

26. dont be afraid to come across as an asswipe. own your asswipeness.

27. nobody likes poems. dont put your poems on your blog. not even if theyre incredible. especially if theyre incredible. odds are theyre not incredible. bad poems are funny sometimes though, so fine, put your dumb poems on there. whatever.

28. tell us about your friends.

29. dont apologize about not blogging. nobody cares. just start blogging again.

30. read tons of blogs and leave nice comments.

if you’re going to ripoff/mimic/be inspired by one blogger make it raymi, shes perfect.

exclusive interview with shaquille o’neal

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christina hendricks shaq, tough loss.

yep.

wanna talk about it?

what’s there to say, any time i raised my hand up in the air, somebody would fall over. instead of golden trophies of basketballs they should be handing out oscars. and the refs should get best supporting actor awards. how many times did kobe drive the lane and they swallowed their whistles? all the time. f the refs.

why do you think it went down that way?

they want parity in the nba. they dont like the fact that the lakers could just sign two great stars like karl and gary and win another ring. they want the east to look stronger than it is. they want some new heroes. they want the kids wearing fake afros and the Bad Boys to make a return to the nba. they want to reward larry brown and punish the answer. they want this to be the wwf, wwe, whatever. they want there to be a badder group of dudes than the baddest. we’re the baddest dudes. nobody can take that from us. but they can hand rings to others.

shaq, some say that they called the finals the way that they should have called the last 5 years. they called you for fouls cuz you constantly elbow and manhandle.

if thats the case, then they picked a rotten time to start enforcing the rule. thats like suddenly calling knee high strikes strikes during the world series when you havent called them all year. and what about in minnesota when my boy madsen was dateraping me and still didnt get a foul called on him.

why do you think its like that?

its easy. its psychology. you see a big huge guy. then you see a bigger huger guy. if the bigger guy is standing there getting fouled by a smaller guy it doesnt look like a foul, it looks like the smaller guy is just trying real hard. but indeed it is a foul. its a real foul. if you prick me, dont i bleed?

as a matter of fact, ive never seen you bleed shaq.

well, i do. i bleed inside. where it counts.

thats sad.

im bleeding now.

so whats next for the lakers?

f the lakers. im on vacation. and all im going to do is try to get a new president elected.

pardon me?

i cant stand bush and i didnt even like reagan. do you know that reagan is the reason why saddam had the gas that he used on “his own people”? the kurds?

no i didnt know that.

bro, get thee to a library. rumsfeld was sent by reagan as his special envoy to iraq to do, among other things, ensure the delivery of chemical weapons that saddam used, not just on iranians, like reagan wanted, but on the kurds. and even after he did that reagan and rummy were buddies with him. we enabled saddam to be the bad guy that he is, was, whatever. and now george bush jr is going to be the guy who rids the world of him? talk about a straw man.

uh.

and reagan funded afghanistan during their war with the soviets. and who was the main guy in afghanistan during that time? who got the guns and the money and the training? who became the islamic warrior as they faught the soviets who outnumbered them by 3:1? osama bin hiding. the reasons the republicans know so much about saddam and his gas, and osama, and terrorism and al queda is because reagan started this whole mess and bush is trying to clean it up. the last thing they want is to have the democrats say, “look at this fucking mess those fuckups started with reagan, and we’re going to have to fix it all.”

what about your free throws? how are you going to approach them in the off-season? will phil return? what about kobe? are you two friends now?

interview over.

mark cuban + vimh + sk smith on laker hatin

im realizing that im a bad loser.

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mom to be the refs the refs. the fouls. the lack of fouls.

i know in my heart i should be respectful of ben wallaces uncanny knack for the loose ball. going up against a man twice his size and three times his weight.

i know i should feel good for larry brown who had to suffer the ignomy of the handful that ai must have been in philly.

but still i think to myself what would have this series been like if it was the pistons who had to walk on eggshells every time they went up to block a shot or drive the lane.

and i know that kobe proved how much different he is than michael jordan. jordan would have averaged 40 points and figured out a way to make a star out of someone else in the meantime.

but all kobe could do was force everything. all he could do was fumble and brick and remain frustrated by the seamingly perfect motown defence.

i want to give detroit their props but i cant.

those werent the four mvps that i was sold at the begining of this season.

where was the mailman?

where was the pick n roll?

what happened to dumping it into shaq?

and gp from oaktown, seemingly so perfect for this hollywood dreamteam, but never was he right for this team

the glove did not fit.

and since the glove didnt fit, it looks like everyones gonna quit.

phil hinted to it during the postgame, saying that his kids wanna hear him retire.

shaq hinted to it saying that he might leave even though he still has a year left on his contract.

only guy saying he wanted to stay was kobe who needs shaq so badly but simply cant take over a game the way mj did because for shaq to dominate like he can kobe has to give up the rock.

jordan never had that connundrum.

and poor shaq, he cant take over the play in the paint until someone passes the ball to him. no man is an island, but it must have felt that way for the big aristotle down on the low post, so close, yet without the ball, so far.

and i should be happy for the hapless city of detroit.

home of michael moore, kid rock, and eminem.

who for some reason dont want to ever leave.

and out of pity i do feel happy for the city of detroit.

because im a bad loser.

and if i was dr jerry buss i would sign ‘n’ trade kobe to orlando for tmac and grant hill because i bet you mcgrady could learn to feed the big fella.

and id try to figure out how to get antwan jamison from the mavs

because theres no rebuilding in lakerland.

thats what the clippers are for.

billy fro + kool keith + off wing opinion

rows of blue prada bags

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blue wave

perfectly lined like little tin soldiers on the sidewalk. gucci clutches. bcgb wallets. this dude had everything and i was supposed to be the bad cop but i was feeling so damn good after my physical therapy that all i could muster was, wheres the good stuff?

the doctor earlier said i didnt have carpal tunnel. that i didnt have rsi. i just had a mild case of tendinitis and that everything i was doing was helping it.

i said will i ever play the piano again?

he said does the world need another piano player?

i said will i ever blog again?

he said, looks to me that you havent stopped blogging a bit.

and i blushed and i told him my little secret, which is the interns have been helping me out a bit.

and he said for me to let the interns do their thing for another week and during that week find another line of work where i wouldnt stress my hands so much.

and i said i fly chopper one.

and he said, i know you dont want to hear this tony, but youre not the only bad motherfucker who can fly that stupid helicopter.

and i said, yes but im the best.

and he said, i know that you dont want to hear this tony…

and i said, shut up

and he said, im serious

i said, nobody can fly that bird like i can

and he said, a long time ago i realized that even michael jordan’s ass is capable of being kicked from time to time.

and i said, ah ha, but it hasnt. noone has kicked mjs ass yet.

and he said, i know that you dont want to hear this tony, but youre no michael jordan.

at anything.

and i wanted to say something like, thats not what your wife said.

but it was exactly what his wife says

evolvers + the floss angeles lakers + clever hack

last year on this date the new york yankees picked up aaron boone

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j lo diddy a hot chick at work told me she liked it when i posted deals from years ago. so here you are: 6/15/03

in order to mourn this day which basart reminds us is the anniversary of the day that Tribune Corp. bought the Cubs from the Wrigley family for a paltry $20.5 million back in 1981 (back when $20.5 million was a lot of money), this will be my last post of the day.

but not before we get this in:

fuck you, Tribune Corp.

from your whiny announcers, to weak infielders, to your general ignorance of all things baseball i raise my middle fingers to your ivory towers and i wish monkeypox onto your most private of areas.

you took a national landmark, a local treasure, a sports jewel and you have wiped your dirty ass with it.

yes the cubs are good right now due to some timely hitting and a handful of young pitchers – pitchers that cost you a million or two, tops.

yes you got us the best manager in baseball after the frisco giants showed him to the door. leftovers. good leftovers, but leftovers none the less. still, thank you. you coulda fucked that up. but you didn’t. a gift landed in your lap and you didn’t squash it. nice work.

but you have done very little else for the cubs in the 23 years that you have slumlorded over my favorite team and for that i curse you and the things you hold dear.

i would say more rude things but my mommys on vacation this week and i understand that she might be reading this post especially since she too loves the cubs and wrigley field.

die you motherfuckers, die.

if you want a baseball team to have as a playtoy, go buy the sox. give the Cubs back to the people. the people deserve better.

how can you let a big fat windbag like George Steinbrenner just cherry pick the planet for the latest stars while you sit around counting your gazillions as the Cubs flounder and the little northside kids weep?

why would you want to do that?

alex gonzales and his clutch home runs helped the Cubs start off the season with some great late-inning wins. but in the last month he is barely hitting .214.

want to do something for the city of chicago? trade him for Miguel Tejada. right now. those dumbass A’s will go for it, and guess what, the Yankees have an all-star shortstop And an all-star second baseman, so this will get you half way there. dumbasses.

god i hate you.

while youre at it trade Mark Bellhorn, Kyle Farnsworth, and Juan Cruz for Frank Catalanotto and Kelvim Escobar. the blue jays don’t know what on earth they’re doing and they’ll be shocked that the cubs are giving up two fresh arms for one.

but this is our chance. this is our season. its now or never. especially the way you seem intent on burning out the arms of mark prior and kerry wood.

do this and i wont hate you.

as much.

makeoutcity voted for miss montreal + sutter + gekkeanna + sk smith