and whats so funny is the wifi isnt working.

the old line is if you can get a hundred monkeys in a room banging on typewriters after a while someone will write shakespeare.

when you get three hundred bloggers in a room banging on laptops you get a fuckedup network where noone can write.

it might be just as well.

last night i spent the night at aj and dannettes lovely home in brooklyn where i will be until wednesday. such sweet young ladies and they have a great place.

i woke up this morning to the pleasant voice of dannette saying tony you need to wake up now. my ipod alarm clock obviously hadnt done the job.

after a great shower the crisp fall air smacked me in the face and made me zipper up my hollywood fakerjacket and listened to tsar as i walked the eight-ten blocks to the subway stop. its easy to fall in love with new york. you see every type of person as you walk to the subway.

i saw a dad walking his two daughters to work. they were singing, he was walking his bike. i saw tons of people walking their dogs. i saw lots of delivery dudes, cops, and people all heading for the subway.

people are far nicer in the subway than they show you in the movies. and as old as the subways are, they run super well and quicker than youd think.

because im a dumbfuck i got out at penn station across the street from madison square garden and went north instead of west and found myself on the block of fishmarkets. quite a good-morning smell. when youre traveling or on vacation its sorta fun to get lost. unless youre late for your first day of work.

fortunately my boss was running late too so we were good and i beat him to the hotel.

seth godin was the first speaker, he was really good until the speech sorta turned into a pitch for his new service. its hard not to hype what you make money for, you should be careful when youre in front of a bunch of extremely critical and jaded adults who get pitched crap every second. seth’s new product has some good ideas, but his deal hit a sour note – and it didnt help him when the network got bogged down with traffic and died when he broke his own rule of demoing live on a beta site.

its always fun for the crowd though to see someone sweat.

the orange juice is watery and theres not enough chairs.

i see jeff jarvis across the room, i must be in the right place.

im hot. ive been drinking since th3e airplane. im on a mac. im watching the cards stros game. im wearing the dumbest hat that old navy was selling. i went on subways like crazy today. i borught a seven day pass which is good cuz i went the wrong way on one train and got off and got to the other side of tghe tracks and some worker guy 15 minutes into me stanidng there said no trains goonna stop there.

i was all ok.

i think he knew i was a tourist.

i stayed last night at amy collins langfields house. so nice. she also lives in brooklyn. earlier in the night we atgtended a party ion brooklyn at fat mans new pad. he has a back yard. all these excellent people showed up including jagger who i hadnt seen in a while, and then i got very confused because i coulda sworn he said that his wife was a big fan of mine and when this very nice young woman arrived she smiled and said she loved the busblog and we both bluyshed and but then i was talking to a fourth grade art teacher and i said nice meeitng you and she said ive met you several times including coulters wedding and i was all huh well if you say so. and for some reason i was under the assumption that she was jaggers girlfriend. but maybe thats how they roll here in the apple. if so, then i understand why so many people live here and put up with the high rents.

before all that me and mc brown took a cab from the airport to midtown. my mind was blown to say the least. partially because i barely leave the 323 let alone drive down to the LBC hop into jet blue watch directv and then four hours later arrive on the other coast. everything looked like a spike lee movie. so we got to midtown and marc knows this dude who works for mtv so we climbed four flights of narrow staiors and hung out with him. his names john. john was good people. he had richard hell on. how do you beat that. we drank waters and checked our email but i had to gets to fats so i bid adieu to them and got in one cab and handed him the directions to brooklymn but the dude said he didnt know how to get there, got out, got another cab and that dude said he didnt know brookln at all. got out found a third guy and that guy was like a philipino kid and he was all, uhhhh. so i got out, got a slice of pizza from this teensy tiny pizza place that i wanted to hug it was so perfect including a little cheater window for the 14 year old delivery boy to pick up his pies and pay for them and ting ting roll away into the darkness.

got a slice and a coke and got into a fourth taxi but before i put my suitcase in the trunk i asked the indian fellow if he knew how to get to brookln and he said of course. and i said how come no one else does? and he said, they just dont want to go there cuz its a beautiful night and they dont want to have to come back to teh island empty and i said dude big tipper is my middle name and he said then i know brooklyn perfectly.

so i ate in the back of the checker cab and listened to him speak indian to his woman and we had manhattan to the right and the bridges to the left and traffic everyhwheres cuz there was a car fire and i was all shit man i am living the life and i drank my cola and he said why are you here and i said porn convention can you turn on the angels game? and it was so warm that i rolled down the window even though it was 9pm in the middle of rocktopber.

last night after the party me and amy had a 2:30am drink at a local swanky probably gay bar right near the brookln bridge. i heart bars that say open till 4am. she asked for a menu from the gay black barkeep and she said is the kitchen still open and he said the chef is the dj so as long as you hear music theres food. fucking A NY! so we ordered a tapas plate and some fried shrimp fritters and toasted our margueritas to whytheyhateus.

got to bed at 4am got to sleep at 401am. in the morn i tried to get this computer working so i could show you my pics but marcs card reader wasnt working on this new machine. tried to update the blog but the wifi wasnt strong enough so i just went to thje subway and got that week long pass and ended up on broadway and just walked and walked and walked and walked. walked into the puma store. walked into some other stores. walked man. walked. then i saw broome street where our party will be tomorrow night so i walked to see what Lolita’s looked like so i walked. walked through lil italy then part of chinatown and there was lolitas and it looked fine. so i walked over to somwhere else and found a mcdonalds to take a leak and they said for costumers only sir and when you call me sir i wanna say doesnt this goofy hat make me look less like a sir and instead i said gimme some of those fries and a small diet coke.

and i ate the food and watched people go in and out of the bathroom which was a story in itself because it is only a one person at a time pisser and you cant tell if anyones in there so as soon as someone goes in there some other dude jets around the corner and tries the handle and knocks and if the dude inside doesnt say gimme a sec the guy goes to the mcdonalds lady with the key and they bust in on the dude. i sat there dipping my fries into the ketchup listening to the new stones record and just watched the show.

by the way why didnt anyone tell me that all the chicks in new york are hot?

and still the game is tied but im here in the two story apartment of ajs and its really big and beautifully decorated and i cant believe that she and dannette have cable but they do so i just ordered chinese and i hope they send it to me because when i told her that my cell phone number was 323 666 2323 she was all, wtf, and i said im from outta town.

which should be painfully obvious to anyone who crossed my path today.

amy’s neighbor stole my box of Stiff on friday, so stay tuned to see if i have any books to sell tomorrow.

blookgate + judy miller should just get a blog + amy’s buzznet pics

so marc took the dopiest picture of me that he could
thanks boss.
jk

click here to see some shots from my last day at work

today is my last day at work and tomorrow is my first day at Buzznet. to be honest i cant believe either are happening.

today i have major work to do at work and then after lunch we’re going bowling as a very nice farewell for me and another person who’s last day is today.

even though i wasnt perfect in my role i loved every day that i was there.

yesterday i had to wake up early to drive to compton to pick up some wire. i loved it.

i always had a smile at that place and people probably thought i was retarded or high or secretly had x-ray contacts on or something, but no, i just really dug the place and wanted to do anything at all possible to help the company. deep down all ive ever wanted to do anywhere is help. i dont know why. maybe i am retarded.

look-look was tons different than E! i didnt need a picture ID card here. its like being a dog without a leash. you dont know how nice it feels until youre unleashed.

also i never locked my computer. not that i didnt trust my cohorts at E! but that was sorta part of the deal there, when you left your desk you locked your computer.

also hollywood blvd is the greatest. sometimes i feel bad for tourists who end up there cuz there really isnt much to see or do after you put your hands and feet in the footprint of dead stars, but now i see that part of the appeal is looking at all the freaks on the street. for the last two and a half months perhaps i was one of the freaks that they looked at.

nearly every day i would get asked directions from a tourist and i totally helped them. often i would tell them to get in a taxi and pay the man $5 to take them to Palms Thai which isnt far from hollywood and highland.

i will miss it all, but i look forward to being at an even smaller company and helping it grow.

yesterday natural kinds wrote a sweet little post about me. hes really honest about how he resisted jumping on the busblog bandwagon because everyone else had already done it.

its so weird because ive heard this before, and maybe in comparison to 17 million blogs the busblog is “popular”, but have you guys ever looked at the technorati 100? im not on there.

and according to the Feedster 500 im a respectable #324.

respectable until you see that German Moe (who has only had 8 posts this month) is #323 and Stuff on My Cat is #320.

stuff on my cat, of course being the blog where people send in pictures of their cats who have stuff on them.

thats whats beating me.

me, who updates twice a day like a maniac. rain or shine.

for your ass.

at #298 is flagrantdisregard.com, no not our pal flagrant disregard, but someone who has only updated twice this month.

so no, if you jump on the busblog bandwagon you will still be cool because im getting my ass beat by people who barely even blog.

but trust me, i know what natural kinds is saying. i gave the Killers a hard time for being popular before i thought they deserved it, and oddly enough i didnt buy their cd until some jackass on rockstar:INXS did one of their songs acoustic and i was all, shit thats a great song.

nk is also annoyed that i hype my own products. i can understand that. but if i dont hype them, who will? i put my latest book out on monday and i think ive only sold 25 copies. to be honest, i think thats pretty disappointing. when i was at sxsw i was invited into the barnes and noble booth to sell how to blog just an hour before al franken was selling lies and lying liars and i only sold one book as people were lining up for al. it was quite the spinal tap moment.

my sole customer, mr henry copeland of blogads. shortly afterwards i signed up for his service out of thanks.

i say this not to have people feel sorry for me, but so that you realize that all the tony-love is greatly appreciated, but its not as big as you think. plus the busblog is banned by many servers because of its “adult” nature. whatever that means. i dont show boobies on here or get into graphic descriptions of sex talk, but thats how im deemed on yahoo. meanwhile my podcasts arent allowed on iTunes, and when you search for them on yahoo theyre all deemed “explicit”.

and to top it off the only time i talk about guys like the Instapundit, who could totally increase my hits if i took it easy on him, i bash him. its not very smart, but its honest. and even though honesty is the best policy, it doesnt always help your popularity.

it also doesnt help to not spell check, to grammar bad, to fight with commentors in the comments, to talk shit about the white sox when im from chicago, to write about how much i love la, or basically do half the shit that i do up here.

hell, later today i might even post a poem on this shit. who in the feedster 500 is gonna do that today and get away with it?

so yes, i know i shoot myself in the foot just being who i am. but to me thats what blogging is supposed to be about: showing yourself and the world who you really are. if some people get it great if some would rather read someone else – too bad for them.

no matter how great the Daily Show is or Conan, neither get as much money or popularity as Jay Leno. the trick is to stay true to yourself and not turn into a sellout no talent Leno, despite how tempting it might be.

and with that, im off to my last day at work.

(by the way, yes i do hype myself, but i also hype tons of others every day)

far from relevant + erin + justin + coop

br />
and because im a terrible friend i forgot to post it.

this month ive also forgotten to post the birthdays of the former editor of the busblog ken basart (whose keyboard exploded while trying to copy edit this mess), and my beautiful lawyer and friend kim.

and because i am packing for new york and making a new girl wait for me i will copy and paste something i wrote about ken a few years ago, with some slight alterations.

yes, im that much of a loser.

Q. HeY! What’s yr problem with Layne?

A. Who ever said I had a problem with the renowned author, musician and humanitarian?

Ken and I have broken bread, shared an apartment, he let me write some fiction on Tabloid, he is an Internet pioneer.

He was in a country band that got to cut a record, he hung with the Beat Farmers, and he’s working on his second album of country/roots rock/americana with my pals in his current band The Corvids.

He’s the rare example that something good can come out of San Diego.

He has an excellent Cheap Wine collection. He likes to wear dress jackets. He loaned me “Hollywood” which I have yet to return. And occassionaly he will apply mascara, but only socially.

Ken Layne discovered my friends in Prague while he was running from the law. He gave them some non-UCSB credibility. I like him a lot, and not just because he makes me feel not-so-old.

As long as I have known him he has supported himself from writing. Have you?

He has exquisite taste in current wives. Although he only has one, currently.

And he sired an incredibly happy child with the most beautiful eyes.

He likes the Replacements and the Stones, Bukowski and Hunter S., ufos and laughing at people who like ufos.

Like all of my friends, he’s ridiculously over-talented. And he sings real purdy.

And without him (and Shira) I would not have this roof over my head. Not only do I love him, but I am indebted to him and I’m glad the Lord threw his skinny ass into central europe to show us what we had been missing.

Right now he is bringing the eno back to Reno

and shoving the oi deep inside Sploid.

if you havent checked out his day job, you really should do yourself the pleasure, and it wouldnt hurt to bookmark it either, in your heart.

Sploid + ken’s buzznet pics + laura’s buzznet pics + our podcast was great + when ken married laura

not only is he being sued in a $60 million sexual harrasment case where he

allegedly

invited a thirtysomething female producer of the Factor to purchase a vibrator, but used a battery-operated one shaped as a “cock” on himself as he talked to her

(as well as told her some interesting things that al franken can expect)

but now his arch enemy jim gilliam has dug up a video of o’reilly discussing sexual harrasment back in march of this year on the Factor where he says that men are “barbarians”:

O’REILLY: In the “Back of the Book” Segment tonight, you may remember a minor tiff was created by feminist Naomi Wolf a few weeks ago when she wrote an article saying one of her Yale professors rubbed her thigh while mentoring her at that college. That set off debate about sexual harassment, which is a problem the world over, no question.

With us now is Dr. Linda Mills, a professor of social work at NYU and author of the book “Insult to Injury: Rethinking Our Responses to Intimate Abuse.”

So you say that women — some of them are using this as a club, this sexual harassment deal sometimes, huh?

LINDA MILLS, PH.D., NEW YORK UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR: Yes, I mean I think what happens is that women are denying, in a sense, their own sexual beings, and this is an opportunity and a time in our culture for women to think about themselves as sexual beings and to use that, their — that identity.

O’REILLY: Yes, but it’s impossible and I’ll tell you why. Men — and I know men real well, being a manly man — are barbarians. They’re just barbarians, OK. They see a good-looking woman. It’s — they’re not respecting their intellect. They’re — you know? And if they get a come- on at all by the woman whom they feel is attractive, then they’re in. So, if you say women have got to be cognizant of their sexuality, that’s going to open doors for all kinds of things women may not be prepared for.

MILLS: Well, that’s absolutely right, and we need to educate women about that very fact, but it doesn’t mean that we need to hold them completely harmless, that they’re always victims, and that if we don’t see the relationship between men and women and what women bring to that relationship, somehow they’re — they never get to…

O’REILLY: But isn’t there a difference between social — socializing and trying to find a mate and trying to get a relationship going and in a workplace or in a college — you know, what Wolf’s contention was with this guy — Bloom, I guess, his name is — took advantage of her when she was a student, and that happens all the time.

MILLS: Absolutely.

O’REILLY: It happens all the time where powerful men see a good- looking student, and they try to make a move. Now, you know, this thing happened 30 years ago, whatever. I think maybe Naomi might have let it go, all right, but how does a woman protect herself against that kind of thing?

MILLS: Well, but what’s different about the Naomi Wolf case and many sexual harassment cases is that they did have a relationship and that right now we don’t recognize the relationship…

— later the conversation got even better —

O’REILLY: I still think the guy abused his position, if it happened, and I kind of believe Wolf. But, look, I think that the sexual harassment thing is used as a club, as I said, by many women, all right. It’s something they have against men, a threat to keep men at bay in a very competitive marketplace.

MILLS: Well, I think — I actually interpret it a little differently, and that is that they use their sexuality in certain ways, and then when they get nervous, they run behind the sort of legal shield of sexual harassment, and that’s the part that’s a problem because I think that women are these sexual beings, and we need to recognize that. That’s a feminist position.

O’REILLY: Some women are. Do you think all women are?

MILLS: Absolutely not.

O’REILLY: I don’t.

MILLS: I completely agree with you.

O’REILLY: You know, there are women who manipulate themselves and use their sexuality to get ahead, all right.

MILLS: Absolutely.

O’REILLY: And then these women will turn around and file a sexual harassment…

MILLS: But shouldn’t we account for that, just that?

O’REILLY: But how do you prove it? It’s very difficult to prove it.

MILLS: Well, it’s hard to prove sexual harassment now as it is, but why not…

O’REILLY: Well, if you grab somebody’s thigh, I mean — if somebody sees it or you…

Let me ask you one more thing. This is really dangerous. It used to be in the workplace that you could make a sexual joke or something. Not anymore, right? You’re crazy if you do that, right?

MILLS: Well, yes, but that’s on both sides. Men and women.

O’REILLY: Oh, I’ve never heard of a woman making a sexual joke and being charged with anything.

MILLS: Well, the irony is that the studies show that men don’t take it seriously, and so they’re less likely to make claims, right?

O’REILLY: Yes, right.

MILLS: But I think that’s true on both sides, and it’s — it has changed, in a sense, the dynamic at work.

O’REILLY: Well, it’s changed my life. I’ll tell you, when I was a thug coming up, I mean I would say almost anything around women, and now I don’t say anything, you know, that could be remotely taken — you know, because, obviously, I’m a big target, and any kind of a thing like that stigmatizes you, whether you’re guilty or not, doesn’t it?

MILLS: Absolutely.

O’REILLY: So it’s — women — that’s a big power source for them, and I think some women use it ruthlessly.

o’reilly appeared on Regis & Kelly this morning where he discussed the case, not once denying that he sexually harrassed his producer (who was a former Bush intern, and therefore probably not a Democrat trying to sling mud), instead said that the $60 million settlement offer was outrageous.

the host of the factor said, “not even the 9/11 victim families got that much.” he added that although he agreed with some of his cohorts who said that taking this on might be the end of his career he said, “enough is enough.”

and still he didnt deny the charges. the author of a new children’s book, o’reilly seemingly only had issues with the price of the settlement.

read the whole 3/23/04 interview here + other gilliam vs o’reilly moments + the best gilliam vs o’reilly video to date

about a year ago today a film by Markland was made
using my blog post of “How To Vote” – i was quite flattered

sadly, not everyone took my advice

Medium Resolution + High Resolution (recommended) + extended rough cut

Update: the links were broken all day, sorry, theyre now fixed

Fuck Fuck Fuck.

If you’re offended by these words you have a big fat problem.

Nigger Nigger Nigger.

Pissed yet?

A little?

Pussy Pussy Pussy.

You have a problem because you’re letting some screwball control your emotions in a simplistic way.

Dumbfuck Dumbfuck Dumbfuck.

You are too sensitive and you should relax.

Shit Shit Shit.

And by no means should you be reading a college paper, because in most people’s minds, college journalism echoes society more honestly and with less restrictions than any other source of information.

Bastard Bastard Bastard.

At least that’s how it used to be.

Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.

Anyway, by now you’re probably a wee bit less offended by these words as you read, which is normal.

Fucker Fucker Fucker.

But maybe not.

Stupid Stupid Stupid.

If you are the type that does get all angry inside and your heart starts racing and you want to kill “whoever the fuck wrote that Goddamned story,” you are in way more trouble than you think.

Really Bad Words Really Bad Words Really Bad Words.

You’re probably better off reading the Santa Barbara News-Press. They won’t shock you or make you angry, I promise.

Junk Junk Junk.

Or if you think you’re intellectual and you think the Nexus is beyond your scope of mental stimulation, read the New York Times. They’re as boring as the Los Angeles Times, but more expensive, although their book review section is better.

Why Why Why?

Because they review books that have a lot of “fuck”s, “shit”s, and “gosh”es in ’em.

Blowjobs Blowjobs Blowjobs.

No, no blowjobs in the New York Times, just a lot of “fuck”s, “shit”s, and “gosh”es.

Cant Cant Cant.

Some people don’t like it when you grammar bad.

Tough shit Tough shit Tough shit.

Most “swear” words are pretty funny when you actually think about them when you read ’em.

Dork Dork Dork.

Some people are just so sensitive you could call them by their given name and they’d be upset at you, like that one guy in Stripes.

Francis Francis Francis.

I think his nickname was “Psycho”.

Bitch Bitch Bitch.

They called him Psycho because he didnt realize that names are just a bunch of letters that form a word that some guy somewhere said meant something. Spelled backward they mean something else or don’t mean anything at all.

.tnuC tnuC tnuC

Or does it?

.tihs fo eceip sselhtrow gnikcuf uoY

People play records backwards to see if the musicians are trying to say something “dirty” or wicked but this may be the first time they read a newspaper backwards.

Boring Boring Boring.

I heard a story once where a guy wrote a newspaper essay where the first letter of each paragraph when they were all put together spelled out a sentence. People will do strange things to have their message printed and other people will get mad and others will get happy. It’s just the way it is.

Boogers Boogers Boogers.

Words are only as powerful as you let them be.

Red Jello in a bowl with a scoop of whipped cream.

Sperm.

Realize that if you really hate the way I wrote this and you despise all of the “nasty” words I’ve used, I’ve taken you through a trip in and out of gutters that you probably didn’t even want to go through.

No No No.

Does that make me the shitty writer that you accuse me of being?

Yes Yes Yes.

Or does that make you one of the easiest people in the world to predict, manipulate, and control?

Maybe Maybe Maybe.

You may love me or hate me, either way I have no idea. I may be awake or asleep, dead, or in Hawaii, and I have affected you. But did I affect you or did you react a certain way to splotches of ink on the cheapest piece of paper available.

I love you.

When your mom writes that she loves you and your president writes it and I write it, it’s different to you, isn’t it? Is that our fault or yours?

Yours Yours Yours.

That goes the same for fucks, shits, farts, green juicy boogers and the cool side of your pillow – they’re all just words and mean absolutely nothing unless you pretend that they do.

Je t’aime Je t’aime Je t’aime

If you don’t believe me, try to read from King Tut’s tomb. What do you think hieroglyphics really mean?

Fuck off, I’m tryin’ to get some sleep.

They don’t mean a thing unless you think they do.

Autographs are the same way.

And love letters.

And personal checks.

And opinion columns in newspapers.

And graffiti on walls.

And French barking dogs.

Woof Woof Woof.

People are just trying to communicate and really don’t want to piss you off and probably don’t even know you, so why should they want to piss you off?

fuck fuck fuck.

does lowercase make it less harsh?

f u c k f u c k f u c k

What about spread out?

FUCKFUCKFUCK.

My God, you are strange if words affect you so. Am I really responsible for your inadequacies?

Fuck NO fuck Nofuck.

Red Rum Red Rum Red Rum.

Wait, theres one I forgot. It’ll piss everyone off.

Abortion Abortion Abortion.

Well maybe not everyone. Just the overly sensitive ones. The best part is I didnt say Pro or No Abortion and I betcha there’s already someone who I hadn’t pissed off who’s now red hot. Sorry babe.

Girls Girls Girls.

Dudes Dudes Dudes.

Sleep.

Because I’ve chosen to arrange these letters this way, have I made a reflection of myself on this paper?

huh huh huh?

Is this a “dirty” “radical” “liberal” paper because they printed this?

Juicy Christmas turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes.

Or is it just a blank sheet that they fill up with ink every day?

Love Love Love.

What if they put the wrong name up there and I’m really Chancellor Uehling?

Nah Nah Nah.

Seriously what if she paid me off just so she could say “nasty” things in public.

God I hate you peons.

What if you found out my name isn’t really Tony, but it’s Tammy and I was a girl? Am I less feminine now for arranging these letters this way?

La La La.

Am I really?

A bucket full of grape jelly.

Well, I have no clue what more to say.

Be nice and don’t be stupid when talking about our very first amendment – there are no accidents.

Peace.

originally published 4/20/89 in the world famous daily nexus + now available as bonus material in Stiff

someone put this knucklehead in the wikipedia

whoever you are, thank you, merci & gracias