anna kournikova called me while i was watching tv

kournikova this morning. she heard the maria sharpanova tennis match on in the background and hung up. later she called to apologize. i said, isnt that rico suave in the background, you know, your man? she changed the subject and said she had a Boyfriend Application that she was gonna send me.

but only if i promised not to put it on my blog.

i said i know youre reverse psychologing me and she giggled.

Name: dumbass
Age: 113 (114 on 10/22)
Location: hollyweird
Height: 5’10”
Hair color: skin
Eyes: without a face
Piercings/tattoos: if it wasnt against the bible? no & hella

1. Where would we go on dates? strip clubs, horse tracks, roller rinks, speak easys, buddhist temples, state fairs, hawaiis
2. Who are three of your favorite bands/artists? tsar, sex pistols, andy warhol
3. Do you drink/smoke?? yes/no
4. Do you like the beach? in theory
5. If so…would you go with me late at night? you know the freaks come out at night
6. Do you like movies? very few
7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night? at my age you’re lucky if i can do anything all night
8. If you were to take me out to a movie would we watch the movie? probably
9. If not what would we be doing? sleeping
10. Do you play an instrument? yep
11. If so…what? skin flute. baritone, thanks.
12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother to make sure i made it home alright? no, thats what Jesus is for.
13. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10? i still need some practice
14. Favorite body part on a girl? skirt
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself? my gonads are so hot
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, player, slut)? recently i was called a hit whore. jealous.
17. Would you give me kisses just because? theres a reason for all of my kisses.

What Would You do if…
I cried: yawn
I said I liked you: doubt it
I kissed you: harden
I wanted to bone you: dare you/
I touched your ass: call your mom
I was hospitalized: steal yr meds
I ran away from home: realized i was dating teens again
I got in a fight and you were there: call the play-by-play
I got dumped: put on my dennis rodman jersey
I pissed you off: try to hold it in but fail

What Do You Think Of My…
Personality: eh
Eyes: hot
Face: eh
Hair: hot
Clothes: too binding
Voice: super hot, i love accents
Humor: i laugh at everything
Choice of music: youre a girl, its not your fault
Manners: your parents raised you right
Friends: your friends are the girls id never date. ever. unless to get even.
Decisions: you need a new magic 8 ball, cuz your current one sucks

Would You…
Be my friend: sure, but then the terrorists win
Tell me the truth no matter what: i only lie in my blog
Buy me a birthday gift: busblog panties are in the mail
Lie to make me feel better: but you dont look fat in that
Spread rumors about me: to who? the entire interwebs? nah.
Go out at 4am to get me chocolate: stoner. yes.
Keep a secret if I told you one: id probably forget your secret after 10 mins
Loan me some cash: you make like 10,000x what i make, but sure.
Hold my hand: my second favorite thing to do with girls
Keep in touch: depends on how nice you were to me
Make me a snack: id rather make you wet, but fine, youre a snack.
Try and solve my problems: my specialty
Love me: does lust count?
Makeout with me: more than you probably can stand
Hold me in times of need: while playing weezers “hold me”? sure.
Ditch me: not without fair warning
Use me: todays modern woman is so willing theres no need to use them
Ask me out: lets go out baby
Date me: dates are what its all about
Bone me: only if you beg and wear that ho outfit
Makeout with me whenever you had the chance: i always have the chance
Hold me and make my problems go away: the only problem you have is youre not here.

jessica + pitt costello + krista + foxxy