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Author Archives: tony
my nutritionist is not the least bit happy
with all this McRib chatter.
its almost like im cheating on her in some weird way.
little does she know that i am tempted all day in this office by odd foods.
take this bag of chips for example.
youd think a man could dip his hands into a bag of tostidos and pull out a chip. but no. there appears to be some home made brownie / fudge in there looking to sabotage him.
theres also pizza, thai food, cakes, candy jars, cupcakes, and even a damn test kitchen in this building producing all sorts of tasty delectables and leading this sinner into temptation.
i am but a man.
i only have one life to live.
me want cookies.
but me also want a waist that i dont need a new zip code for.
me also want to fit into my jeans without having to suck it all in first.
me also want to rip off my tear-away warmup pants preceding intimate moments and produce a different reaction than hilarious guffaws.
my heros are harry caray and charles bukoski. they never counted their calories or ran around hollywood in the middle of the night.
theyre also dead. but when they were alive they Lived.
i wanna live while i am alive. i wanna eat drink and be with mary.
i see the men you women date. they dont all look like that guy in the Ab Blaster commercial.
they look like theyve eaten a few brownies hiding out in a Tostidos bag.
like you, america, i want it all.
ran down sunset to highland and then down hollywood blvd
saw three hookers.
i think cuz its pretty warm at night, for decemeber
saw these two cops pull over a car and then give me a good look as i ran by.
two people said hi to me.
one person walked past me with his mouth open as far as he could open it.
saw several people dressed up to be out on the town.
saw a wax statue of snoop doggy dogg that looked really real
and saw a woman who looked like a celebrity, but wasnt.
ran past this house where inside two people were talking
and the dude goes its too bright in here and put a blanket over his head
like he was a ghost.
left it on, and went back to the conversation.
saw all these people being interviewed to be servers at my favorite lunch restaurant
ate pie when i got home.
theres a white board in the office
thats always so sweet
its in a section of the building where theres only two men.
i think thats their secret secret.
today is danielle and flagrant’s birthday,
two of my favorite bloggers.
i wish their birthdays were on separate days so i could give shouts out to them in a way that best suits them, in their own spotlight, since they are both talented young women who deserve and demand their own spotlight,
but they effed up and decided to make it to planet earth on this day 25 years ago. so hi.
ive never met flagrant disregard and in a way im sorta happy about that. i like mystery. and i like people to know that i like them just for who they are, or in her case, who she appears to be. its sad she hasnt blogged all year this year because she used to be a wonderful and committed blogger, but she has an unusual life and when you have a life it sometimes gets in the way of your blog.
either way i love her and i wish her the best and i want her to know that i think about her and i hope that she has a great day today.
i have met danielle k berkely and for a short period of time we hung out every working day. twice a day. she is the essence of hotness. she is the funniest girl you will meet. she is everything shes cracked up to be and her armpits smell like rainbows.
people ask, why havent you two ever reproduced and i tell them its because i like mystery, and i like some people to know that i love them just for themselves. danielle has a style like no other. if she was part lesbian i would marry her but she doesnt like girls. she and karisa share that fault and its a good thing because if either of them did i would have to rearrange my life so i could marry them both. which would be a bummer since i like not being a millionaire.
because i like mystery.
danielle is the furthest thing from mystery. i knew everything about her the first time we ever spoke – it was a long conversation. she was honest and funny and trusted me and everything that i gave her she gave right back.
the fact that she hasnt found true love, or even a decent boyfriend, in the last few years is a testament to the fact that life is so not fair, and that men in san diego have no taste and no courage and dont deserve her rainbow flavored pits.
she farted once and a butterfly came out.
if you met danielle and didnt know her youd think that she was some fancy music producers girlfriend or some scumbag yuppy’s girlfriend or the hottest lipstick lesbian ever. youd never think that she was single. youd never think that she doesnt have cable tv unless its tennis season. youd never think that shes addicted to buying old school bicycles on ebay.
and youd never guess that she has one of the depressingly beautiful blogs on the blogosphere.
but in a way it shows you that it doesnt matter how gorgeous you are, how smart you are, how funny you are, how fun you are, it does not guarantee that you will find a mate whose perfect for you. and maybe thats the reason that the Lord has hardened the hearts of the good men of san diego instead of hardening their loins. to show us that we all have a bear to cross. for everything there is a season, and this is the season of the new vibrator.
there have been sagittariuses in my life at every point of my life. and although i do my best to avoid them theyre always there. i shy away from them because there is usually something very odd about them. a small part of them is intensely weird. sometimes more than a small part. but most of the time theres something intensely amazing about them thats irresistable.
that goes for my sister, jeff the singer of tsar, and our two birthday girls flagrant and danielle. when you have your beers tonight, raise a glass to our girl in san diego and our mystery woman in the valley. they deserve it.
the mcrib is back
after my last physical, my doc said my saturated fats were a tad higher than they should be.
i asked, so instead of going through drive thru three times a week, i should only go once a week?
he said, exactly.
so today after work im going to go to mcdonalds, get a mcrib extra value meal, no onions, no pickles, and im gonna down that sucker like its a hundred dollar steak.
because to me, there really isnt a much better treat that one can get in a drive thru than a mcrib, fries, and a coke.
yesterday i tried to be good. i was at a cuban place and i ordered scallops. what could go wrong?
it appears that they put a whole stick of butter in their pan when they make the scallops, which is fine by me, but across town my nutritionist was scowling.
i had woken up hungover and the nfl pregame show wasnt helping cuz everyone yells on that show. so i took two alleves and drank some water.
about 15 minutes later i was nautious and 15 mins after that i was hurling. strangely all that came out was the water, but my neighbors probably thought i was having a baby in there.
it wasnt until 230 that i actually got anything more than a banana in my belly and it was those scallops and rice and plantains and black beans. and a coke. a regular coke, from the fountain. all carbonated and beautiful.
30 minutes after that lunch/breakfast i was on top of the world.
then at night i ran for an hour. 5.2 miles around hollywood at midnight.
theres nothing like it.
im hungover, america
karisa loves kathy griffin – who knew? last week she was all, are you gonna be in town thanksgiving weekend? i was all yup. she was like would you go see kathy griffen with me thanksgiving saturday?
turned out the d-lister had a friday and saturday show at the Gibson (formerly the Universal Amphitheatre) so i got to try out my theory that any time there are multiple dates at one location people literally give away their extra tickets for the second show.
karisa wasnt so sure about this theory and insisted that we show up at City Walk early. we get there and theres a long line. ruh-row. i asked the dude in the yellow jacket what the line was for, if it was to buy tickets. he said nope, that huge line is to redeem vouchers for free tickets, then he pointed to the empty line to buy tickets. karisa asked him where do you get the free tickets? he said he didnt know.
so we walked around City Walk to see if someone was passing out free tickets. no such person. so we split up and i went back to the long line to see what i could see. one guy offered me pit tickets for $50 each. hmmmm. no thanks. then this lady overheard me asking other people if they had extras. she had a little girl with her. translating.
thurdy dollares each, she said. i looked at the tickets to see if they were for the right date. what does COMP mean? i asked the lady and the little girl.
twenty dollares each. the lady said. twenty the little girl said. nice translating.
how about 20 for both, i said. total. the lady scrunched her face. as i was leaving she said ok ok. and i gave her the money and we then ate sushi at what was advertised as the best sushi place in LA. ha.
kathy was funny as hell and we got a little tipsy and karisa was all lets try to meet her. so we went to the back stage door. they were letting people in. this one guy was waving people through. so i joined that pack with karisa behind me. one guy with a clipboard said “hes not with our group. AND NEITHER IS SHE!” but rule number 1 of sneak club is ignore all haters.
we breezed through like it was a state dinner and drank some free drinks, met kathy, took some pics. afterwards karisa tried to hotwire a tour tram. and i left my cell phone in her car. of course.
i love this woman
but heres the thing. im drunk. so drujnk that no on3 woukld believe me as being legit
\
when i say i heart this mom / sorta wife / killr blogger, etc
BUT I DO!
heres her blog tel me you dont love her toooooooo
in my most secret dreams im a fancy photographer
i have a french gay dude as my assistant who yells at everyone as to what to do
i also have a drunk semi super model who wears cowboy hats and fuzzy bikinis
she shoots cap guns too closely to people.
her role is to startle people right before i snap the camera
theres the guy with the smoke machine, and the dog who barks, and the lighting lady
and the makeup man and the fat guy with the megaphone yelling step right up
for no reason, to no one in particular
but in one way i want the models to feel totally alienated and at the same time mildly disturbed
it keeps them from acting like models.
i was gonna hire someone to knock on the front door a lot, but i had to pay the man to fix my car.
theyre opening up one of these
on wednesday in pasadena
$22 a ticket
shouldnt that price disgust me?
strangely, when i see that dude with his feet up getting a glass of wine delivered to him, it doesnt seem so horrible.