(Akshen/Lil J/Willie D)

(CHORUS)

“Fuck em, fu-fu-fuck fuck em all”

“I bury those cockroaches”

“What’d they ever do for us?”

“I bury those cockroaches”

“Fuck you, mang!”

[Willie D]

I gotta bone to pick cause I’m sick

Of you motherfuckers talkin shit

We pick you up, you put us down and I’m mad

Time to talk about your dog ass

[Scarface]

Jealous motherfuckers it seems wanna suck a dick

“How do you do em?” Fuck em up like a cardiac

So if your curious get a blood donor

Cause I’mma fuck you up so bad, that you’re momma won’t know ya

I pity the fool who diss the mastermind of wreckin shit

Now let me tell ya somethin bitch

Get yaself headstone and a box of pine

Cause when I catch up with ya, ya ass is mine

The line is drawn, word is bond

The motherfuckers who crossed it are dead and gone.

Punk motherfuckers gonna suck a dick

Bushwick?

[Bushwick Bill]

“Yeah money”

[Scarface]

what you think about this bullshit?

[Bushwick Bill]

Fuck those unknown motherfuckers

With a 10 foot pole that can’t touch us

Before the Geto Boys came around

You can’t front their clout, H-town was no town

Yeah we know you still skeptic

Cause we ain’t kissin no God damn ass to be accepted

And if you’re waitin on that to happen sucka

You’ll be a waitin motherfucker.

Shit outta luck, stuck and got fucked

Fo’s up to those who down with us

And to you other mothafuckas in the atmosphere

I’m sayin fuck you loud and clear

(CHORUS)

[Bushwick Bill]

Radios, newspapers, TVs

Spreadin lies across the seven seas

Many people thought we couldn’t endure

Niggaz are buyin now they ain’t so sure

“Billboard” has us check out our status

I don’t understand you hoes, whats the matter

[Willie D]

The motherfuckers are sick

Constipated, cold fulla shit

They tried to keep us off the market

Straight up hoe shit, they had to stock it

My bank don’t pat no monkeys

Cause I kick mo’ ass than a donkey

I gotta pump but I will jump

Yous a punk or a one-on-one ya run to the trunk

If you’re motherfuckin fear looks at you

I’m Willie D and I came to say, Fuck you!

Fuck you has been stated by the underground master

Show me a hacidity bitch and I’ll blast her

Fuck you is what ourselves should do

And spit on ya nasty ass when I’m through

You don’t like me, cause what ya see is a figure

I’m a for real ass nigga

I won’t iron your clothes or pay rent at your place

There ain’t a damn thing baby about my face

[Bushwick Bill]

The whole faculty’s on crack

You say I can’t wear my hat, but yo, fuck that

You call yourself teacher, but whats bein taught?

How to fuck kids and not get caught?

How can your teacher reach ya

They’re too busy in the halls tryin to fuck the other teachers.

[Ready Red]

Fuck the motherfuckin critics,

Fuck newspapers

Fuck the radio stations

And fuck your parents against rap

We buried ya fuckin cockroaches

[Willie D]

To every motherfucker who diss my crew

I’m sayin fuck you, now what you hoes wanna do?

I got an arsenal in my Blazer for instance

Some shit that’ll shake the ground so keep ya distance

Parents confiscate my tapes

Sendin letters and shit talkin bout how they hate

The album controversy’s they’re rebellin

I don’t give a fuck cause the shits still sellin

So this is how the D’ll respond

I’mma cuss my ass off for your daughters and sons

And if you don’t like it, spouse,

You can suck my dick until your lips fall off

I’ve had it up to here with this bullshit

To each I preach without a pulpit

Calls I don’t do, nails I don’t chew

Whenever I fix my mouth to say, FUCK YOU

[Al Pacino]

“I bury those cockroaches”

16. liferants

marching down the marble hall. its model day at the xbi, i don’t know what we do with these girls but i see them every few months and then i don’t. im sure its for a set up here or a fakeout there.

nothing distracts criminals, who are normally men, than a beautiful woman who suddenly pays attention to them.

ive never had to use a model before and now that im in chopper one i have even less use for them, which is good. cuz it is a double edged sword, you know.

a few months back. could it be a year? wow, i guess it was nearly a year ago. one of the models spotted me when i still was working at a desk.

tony pierce?

yes?

the bus blogger?

no, im the other one.

she said, no you’re not, you’re The one. god, i really love your stuff i totally didn’t even think that you were serious about really working at the xbi but wow, here you are and stuff.

i looked around my cubicle and i said, yep. this is it.

so do you type your blog here on this computer?

no, i do it at home at night and then during my breaks i edit it.

what’s the best thing about being a blogger, tony?

the social status.

what’s the worst thing?

when people meet you and get to know you, they see the real side, and usually they don’t like it and then they blow you off and then its sad.

i would never blow you off.

i know you wouldn’t. now please. don’t tell anyone i really work here.

want to have drinks tonight?

i don’t drink.

oh come on, a shot of rum?

she was tall and lean. short hair. i like it better long. she had a suede skirt on. i remember that so well because it made me think that they do zero physical labor. here i had been on the streets where you get splinters, cuts, bruises, broken bones, shot at, all sorts of things in your shoes, in your hair, and there were people at the same office who were serious about their suede skirts.

maybe at the christmas party you can feel me up, i said, and went back to typing.

to you.

funny how the marble rolls this way then that then stops then picks up speed from an invisible hand and rolls

right off the edge.

only to be licked at by a dog who will swallow it and not choke

miraculously

for God loves dogs and he loves us even more.

15. edblogg

she doesnt like me looking at other girls so she just sends pictures of herself.

i dont mind.

the clock just spins around. every night on the train home i have visions of sugar cubes dancing in my head, but when i pour myself to bed and turn off the christmas lights i see i have accomplished very little. i am killing the carpal. it’s nearly gone.

the phone rings but its not you. it rings and it rings. i want to switch over to how the deaf have it where the lights flash instead of the ringing cuz i like blinking lights and i love to give my neighbors the impression that something very mysterious is happening in my bachelor pad, but its all very obvious.

opened the front door last night to collect my mail. i get a tremendous amount of mail for a man with no credit cards, and a fat white cat, spotless, greeted me with a meow.

totally startled me. at first i thought it was a stray but the hair was so freshly groomed, it must have been a neighbor’s cat. it meowed cuz it was hungry? it wanted to be petted? it wanted to be a dog?

if it were a dog i would have let it in, instead i said, sorry little cat, stay outside and eat the mice.

there are no mice in my little courtyard behind the white picket fence.

and i like to keep it that way.

chatted on the instant messenger a little. warmed up some chicken that i had george forman grilled sunday night. i cooked up six breasts on sunday and i will eat them each night with a baked potato and either a can of green beans or a can of peas. im so easy to please you have no idea.

i once had a houseguest for a very short period of time. a russian girl. spectacular. she didnt know any english and i didnt know any russian. she wanted to move to new york city and needed a place to stay for a week. i had a futon mattress. i made chicken and peas and potatoes for her every night and we drank vodka because i figured she’d like that. the vodka just made her cry so we switched over to rum.

she read and we listened to jazz and at night she would suck me off and curl up on the futon.

im probably in the very low percentile of bachelors who dont think that the bj is the pinnacle of human contact. i think it’s nice. i think its a really nice gesture. i think visually it can be spectacular, and its loaded with symbolism. but unless youre driving somewhere and the girl is bored, or if youre just being naughty in a public place, i could live without it and it would be fine.

i did date a chinese girl in frisco once who told me that she just loved having it in her mouth. she said some guys just love sucking on tits and she was just a girl who always wanted that there.

i think my pale skinny russian guest was like that because the look in her eyes was much differnet than how she looked when she did the dishes after our meal.

anyway, now its hard for me to think about bbq chicken and peas and potatoes and not think of her.

today i will go to the publisher for the final time and beg and give him all the money i have and expect the lowest of quality and the absence of any customer service whatsoever. maybe thats why my blogger header isnt the cheeriest.

riley dog

kicking ass again.

can this be? can i really have nothing of any substance to write about? my fifteen minute break has just started and i look at you, blog, and i think to myself, i got nothing.

chatted with sarah last night and she asked me what my favorite color was and i said pink but i was being dirty. sweet girl didnt even fall for it.

train was fine, bus was fine. two mexican lovers held hands all the way down wilshire. the girl was gorgeous and looked up at her truest and she had beautiful hair, dyed red in parts, nice lips, nice teeth, long lashes. her man had closed shaved hair. not even an eighth of an inch of hair. he stood up in the bus as she sat. it was crowded.

white guy trying to be black got on the bus. earings in each ear. baggy pants baggy jacket and a mets cap on sideways. he tries to pay the man but theres a fat lady right there who wont move into the bus.

how am i supposed to get passed you? he says. she huffs and steps aside.

crazy thing is in twenty seconds theres gonna be another bus and twenty seconds later yet another. still people pack in because, well, if they were bright, they probably wouldnt be riding the fucking bus.

myself included.

someone tapped my shoulder as i held on while we flew down the miracle mile. i turned around. it was an angel.

she looked at me and i suddenly felt filed with guilt.

her eyes said everything she judged me she had pity on me but not as much as disgust.

havent you gotten everything?

dont you get enough attention?

i had to look down but still i could hear her.

arent you getting enough tail?

dont you get enough free porn and music from the internet?

the bus slowed down and stopped but it wasnt my stop.

i had no answers for her.

she was so right, so right.

the guy with the mets cap squeezed his way back through the packed bus towards the front to exit thru the front door and i watched to see if he would say anything to the fat woman.

when i turned back around to get judged more the angel was gone.

just like that.

No Left Turn Unstoned

they said that even though the prosecution threw out the drug charges, it doesnt matter, winona is a junkie.

and now that the judge took away her drivers license, i have finally found my dream job. i would do anything to be her driver.

please hire me, baby.

please.

im an excellent driver. i drive the speed limit. i suppose i could drive faster, but i prefer driving slower. i

would drive you anywhere you wanted winona.

would i try to get you off drugs? i dont think a driver has that sort of power. as long as i can remember i have had the tv on and a coca-cola nearby, wanna talk about addictions? theres two.

they also say that libras are not happy unless theyre in love.

is love an addiction to some?

probably everyone.

some have it worse than others. me. i have it pretty bad.

one way to ignore it is a job thats worthwhile and exciting.

i cant think of anything more exciting than being winona ryder’s personal driver.

confidentiality?

winona. i used to work in hr, ok? i had access to people’s social security numbers, ok? dont worry your pretty head about anything. you wanna go to deep? sit back and relax, we’re gonna go to deep. the forty-duce? coming right up.

no no no. i’ll wait in the car.

ive got a little writing to catch up on.

fragrant

(Guest/McKean/Reiner/Shearer)

The elves are dressed in leather

And the angels are in chains

Christmas with the Devil

The sugar plums are rancid

And the stockings are in flames

Christmas with the Devil

There’s a demon in my belly

And a gremlin in my brain

There’s someone up the chimney hole

And Satan is his name

The rats ate all the presents

And the reindeer ran away

Christmas with the Devil

There’ll be no Father Christmas

‘Cause it’s Evil’s holiday

Christmas with the Devil

No bells in Hell

No snow below-

Silent Night, Violent Night

So come all ye unfaithful

Don’t be left out in the cold

You don’t need no invitation, no…

Your ticket is your soul

blueloggy

hi sweetie, how are you feeling?

i miss you.

i miss you too. you have no idea how difficult it is posing for pictures and listening to all these stupid dirty old men run their mouths.

i think i can imagine.

ive been sending you signals in my pictures, honey bunny.

what sort of signals?

little things that i do with my hands to tell you that i miss you and i cant wait for you to defile me once again.

what sorta things are you doing with your hands?

just wait. you’ll see.

you’re too much. hows the record doing?

Stripped is #10.

#10? what the fuck is up with that?

at christmastime, sweetie, youre just lucky to be on the charts. trust me, im happy as hell.

i cant believe it. who’s above you?

you.

no really. i mean, thats nice. but seriously.

ok, right above me is avril lavigne.

that little chick? i heard a totally differnet song on the radio the other day. not skaterboy, not the first one…

yeah, shes got a third one out. shes moving units. above her is Paul McCartney, a live record from his tour of the USA.

i thought live records didnt sell.

typically. but the boomers who couldnt afford the $100 seats are shelling out the cash to hear him sing fucking Hey Jude, i guess.

im so happy im not a boomer.

totally. then above him is Faith Hill.

Biggie’s girl?

no, the country singer. the blonde. shes real pretty. married to tim mcgraw.

oh yeah yeah yeah. ok. i can see that.

then j.lo.

shit. raymi and i were chatting for a breif second and she said she liked that song.

i want to get on raymi so bad.

get in line.

i mean really. im so into that chick.

i dont think she likes you.

oh she will. just wait. then 2 Pac is #5

2 Pac! isnt he dead? is it like a greatest hits or something?

no, tony, it’s new material. and it’s a double cd!

2 Pac isnt dead.

seriously. above him is Now That’s What I Call Music #11.

what the hell is that?

compilation of hits from this year. Nelly’s “Hot in Herre,” Dirty Vegas, Jennifer Love Hewitt, No Doubt’s “Underneath it All,” Shakira, Kylie, janet, Norah Jones, Coldplay, Creed. Dixie Chicks doing “Landslide.”

sounds completely awful.

it’s #4, bitch.

how can that possibly be in this time of Grokster, Kazaa, Morpehous, etc?

the RIAA is full of shit. it was #2 last week.

why dont people just download it all?

some people have lives. other people feel like cheap skates. some are just lazy. and then of course there are those who think that stealing music is immoral.

whatever, hoochie.

#3 is the 8 mile soundtrack.

again, wouldnt you think that the demographic who would buy that would download it?

i’m only going to say this one more time, the RIAA is full of shit. aint nobody losing money because of Napster. the kids will buy whatever they want to buy. And they will download it. And they will make copies for their friends, but they will still buy it. Hillary Rosen is so full if it, its ridiculous.

so what’s number one?

we’re not there hun. #2 is Tim McGraw and #1 is Shania Twain.

country is topping the charts?

looks like it.

no wonder the republicans are taking over. wheres snoop dogg?

this is his first week on the charts with his new cd. it’s #12.

what about justin???

that fool? he’s down to #19 after 4 weeks. he better get back with britanny or back with n*sync.

i love you christina agueliera.

then learn how to spell my damn name right!

13. chinpokomon

alecia

‘he’s in the back getting a spritz.’

“you can get a spritz in the back of pizzaland?”

‘you can if youre tony.’

“hey why are you speaking in single quotes?”

‘never mind, let me talk to tony.’

“tony, ladies, sorry to disturb you.”

better be important.

‘theres a disturbance on the blog.’

fuck the blog.

‘the blog’s a big earner.’

“remember aruba?”

whats going on?

‘ward entertainment feels shunned.’

fuck ward entertainment. wait, who’s ward entertainment?

‘two kids with a blog.’

ok, fuck ward entertainment.

‘they’re the ones who call you the blogfather.’

im not the blogfather.

“oh wait, you mean those two little shits who put a stinky poo next to tony’s name?”

they put turds next to my name?

‘it’s their way of honoring you, tony.’

what sort of fucked up thing is that?

‘they’re saying that youre “the shit.”‘

fucking a.

“they call that respect?”

‘they’re kids. whattya gonna do?’

what do they want?

‘they want a link.’

how much is that?

‘nothing.’

give em a fucking link.

‘also, sarah’s upset.’

fuck sarah. wait, who’s sarah?

‘that chick you like. she’s still upset by what michael jackson said.’

didnt you break his legs like i told you to?

‘it got fucked up and we only were able to break a foot.’

a foot? what the fuck? michael jackson beat your ass or some shit? you need me to show you how to break a couplea legs?

‘michael’s a fast freak. he’s got moves.’

“word is he moonwalked right through you.”

‘he spun, threw his hat. he’s quicker than you think.’

fucking michael jackson. you’re all giving me agita.

‘my recommendation is we do something special for sarah.’

a couple g’s, flowers, what?

‘shes uptight about her finals. let’s send some people up to michigan state and make sure she gets some good grades.’

we know people at michigan state?

“magic johnson.”

he went there?

“yeah, and he’s very grateful for all the laker love you give.”

ok, is that it? i feel like i havent given these ladies the proper attention.

‘theres a bunch of knuckleheads commenting on the blog.’

wack em.

‘all of them?’

any motherfucker who comes into my place and starts talking shit is begging to get wacked.

‘see thats the thing, tone, maybe they’re acting up so you give them attention. and you’ll drive traffic to their site.’

fellas. cant you see these girls are doing their best to relax me? and furthermore, dont you know how hard it is for the good people of pizzaland to turn their storage area into a sauna? take care of the blog. if it’s an earner, then dont get in the way of the earning. if it’s more of a headache, get rid of it. now where are my van goghs?

“we gave them to kinkos so that they’d print the busblog book.”

about fucking time.

“we’re gonna steal em back once the books are mailed out.”

good.

“then we were thinking about returning them to the van gogh museum, compliments of the busblog.”

‘what for?’

we have a very good relationship with the dutch. i want to keep it that way. anything else? i think the redhead’s getting lockjaw.

just getting warmed up, tony

‘kitty bukkake got interviewed in the sunday boston globe yesterday.’

send her some flowers.

“actually, you promised that you’d review her book for blogcritcs.”

shit, i’ll get on that. i still havent finished it.

“no disrespect, tony, but it’s only 12 pages.”

im a very slow reader.

‘thats it, tony. thank you for your time.’

fine fine. why dont you stay for a minute. you, shut the door behind you as you leave.

‘yeah, tone?’

wack that guy on the way out. put him in a calzone and send it to the next motherfucker who talks shit.

‘got it.’

9. colby cosh

10. ward entertainment

11. raymi and laura

12. quit that

sexy sarah

hi, im tony pierce and i can kick your ass in so many ways, kids, that you better watch it cuz i will. for fun.

and for profit.

right now miss newport beach 2004 is speeding north up the long beach freeway in her miata to my cranky ass, this after spending much of the day with miss redondo 2001. is the fact that i get that sort of attention make me an asshole? no. being alive is what makes me an asshole. live a little and it’ll happen to you too.

yes, i have for some reason left ward entertainment off my list of links to the left. blow me. im 109. this is a blog. get a life. i have carpal tunnel, but i can, with a little help uncurl my middle finger, raise it high and shove it right through your acid washed gap baggies. and dont think i wont.

you call me a celebrity blogger? what the fuck is that. you call me the blogfather? then have some respect. how about an email? how about a comment? how about chilling out for a fucking second, dillweed. you’ll get yours.

its a link.

and you wish you flowed me 120 hits a day.

you know who gets me 120 hits a day? not you. not the real blogfather the instapundit. “anna kournikova nude” gets me 120 hits a day so step off bitch.

to me blogging is a variety of things. first you must know how to write. best thing about writing is that the more you do it the better you get and unlike beating off, writing well is something that you can parlay into sex drugs money power. so practice.

when youre done practicing read the good book. when youre done reading do curls, pushups, sit ups.

one day you might find yourself in the curious position of being requested to lift a young lady up in a corner of a suite in a swanky sunset blvd hotel far above the madding crowds and let me tell you the goal isnt to get there, it’s to stay there. the correct response is please dont leave me here alone tonight. call in sick tomorrow and drink mimosas with me by the pool.

fuck links on a blog, fellows.

so thats writing. the part that hollywood has all but given up on. the part that television couldnt care less about. the part that mr. miyagi would have considered both the wax on and the wax off of life. work at it work at it work at it.

writing isnt bitching. writing isnt whining. not one man has gotten doubleteamed by brazillian gogo girls because he was a whiner. want proof? who’s the biggest whiner of all? thats right, drudge. and ask yourself, what sort of pussy does matt drudge have walking around his studio apartment clonking around his hardwood floors while he’s trying to type his little bullshit?

zero, people.

zero.

there will never be a “cribs” crew rolling up to drudge’s pad asking him to open his fridge to see if he’s got gold bottles of bubbly and a stripper pole in his boom boom room.

whiners wouldnt know the first fucking thing about a boom boom room, so dry your tears and remove the back of your hand from your forehead.

writing is comedy poetry and freestyle bootycall that dips through drama and ends in a flourish of philiosphy. spread your wings and fly and make sure theres a begining middle and end.

easiest way to piss off a hack: bring up his endings.

and lie people.

the asshole who told you that your lives are interesting shouldnt be trusted. i lied in nearly every keystroke of this masterpiece.

even kids know that a good art heist beats a bank robbery any day under the sun.

lie when you write.

your boy drudge does.

then theres design. i like ward entertainment’s design. i like riley dog’s and illuminent’s and i super love my long lost girlfriend whateverhername is from youfuckedupmylife.net

love love love her design.

love. and i haint linked her sweet ass yet either, so back the fuck up, boys.

if i truly had interns instead of little teases who say they want to intern but dont, they’d do the upkeep on the day-to-day. im trying to lead by example, so dont make me make examples of you.

my advice?

think youre young and original?

get out before…

youfuckedupmylife.net

(smith)

i don’t care if monday’s blue

tuesday’s grey and wednesday too

thursday I don’t care about you

it’s friday I’m in love

monday you can fall apart

tuesday wednesday break my heart

thursday doesn’t even start

it’s friday I’m in love

saturday wait

and sunday always comes too late

but friday never hesitate…

i don’t care if monday’s black

tuesday wednesday heart attack

thursday never looking back

it’s friday I’m in love

monday you can hold your head

tuesday wednesday stay in bed

or thursday watch the walls instead

it’s friday I’m in love

saturday wait

and sunday always comes too late

but friday never hesitate…

dressed up to the eyes

it’s a wonderful surprise

to see your shoes and your spirits rise

throwing out your frown

and just smiling at the sound

and as sleek as a shriek

spinning round and round

always take a big bite

it’s such a gorgeous sight

to see you in the middle of the night

you can never get enough

enough of this stuff

it’s friday

i’m in love

stopheart