hi. yes i love you. thank you for your letters and pictures and emails and phone calls and gifts and promises of lust.

do you know how great that makes me feel?

do you know how low my self esteem is and how many demons whisper sour nothings into my ear like at all times?

you all ask so many questions about ashley and if you want to know her secret superpower it’s that she always makes me feel loved and wanted and sexy and masculine and smart and good with my hands, etc. when i ask her if she had a good time with me the other night her eyes get big and she will squeeze my hand and say, yeeeeeess. oh god yes.

that works on me.

flattery will get you everywhere.

one cute girl writes me the dirtiest emails. maybe some of you don’t know that that’s allowed. of course it’s allowed. let yourself go. i want you to trust me and feel free with me. why not?

she tells me all the things she wants to do to me when she flies here from stockholm. she tells me what she will wear and what she will say and what she wants me to say. shes quite descriptive. she says she has many day dreams. she remembers these daydreams, and its true she has many.

but one thing that worried me was when she said that she doesn’t have safe sex. she said that she trusts her boyfriend and that shes on the pill and for some reason in sweden she thinks that that’s safe.

so i asked her what’s swedish for ha.

you can trust your boyfriend all you want but i don’t trust him. im not saying that he’s cheating on you, or that he did some dirty skank ho the week before he met you. but im going to pretend that he does cheat on you and he did three skank hos before he met you. and i suggest you do the same.

unless you two are conjoined twins joined at the bellybutton if you’re not using condoms every single time you’re out of your mind.

let me tell you about the boy who you say you trust. he is so ignorant about his thing and he’s so reckless with it and he’s so led by it that it’s insane.

ask your true love if he washes his hands every time that he uses the bathroom.

this is a trick question but ask him anyhow.

if he says yes ask him if he takes a paper towel to turn off the water after he washes his hands. then ask him if he takes a paper towel to use on the handle if he leaves the bathroom.

if he answers no to any of those questions think about where he puts his hands when he comes over to see you.

then think if im gonna put my hand there, or my face, or worse, lil tony without a condom.

swedish for ha.

when men take a dump and wipe their ass the first thing they touch is that sink and the dials on that sink then they wash their hands then they take those clean hands and touch that dirty sink to turn it off. then they wipe their dirty hands with a towel then they touch the door handle with their ass hands then they put their hands on you!

but what he did before that is even worse. he walked into the bathroom and unzipped his pants and put his hands on his schween. he peed and Then he washed his ass hands. so not only does he leave that bathroom with filth all over him, but now his innocent dick which has been completely covered by layers has germs from bro’s daily adventures.

what does your boyfriend do? is he a mechanic? does he type at a typewriter all day? does he ride the bus and hold on to the handles? does he ever press the buttons of elevators? homeless men piss on the buttons of the elevators of the subway in my town. how about yours?

so the correct answer to the loaded question is, “honey, i wash my hands before And after i use the bathroom, cuz i know where my dick has been, but i cant even begin to remember where my hands have been.”

hot babes, i know where i want my hands to be. and i know where they’ve been. i know that they can be eaten off.

can everything that you have be eaten off?

doubt it.

so that’s just the hands. i know your boyfriend. he touches himself all the time. if i dated you i would be touching myself all the time too. its not a put down, trust me. but he doesn’t take care of his hands and he doesn’t take care of his donk and that’s because you’re not making him.

and ps if he met christina aguelera at the viper room and she said lets do it in my limo and if he said i dont have a condom, and if she said dont worry im on the pill, he’d do her.

and pps he’d do the same with a girl who’s not named christina aguelera too. its our nature. it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s not something to be ignored.

however, when it comes to getting some, ladies, we will listen to you. i didn’t learn these things from the fellas. i learned these things from uptight hotties who never ever ever wanted to catch anything while having fun. theres no reason for it. it feels great enough even with protection. trust me it does. and if it doesn’t you’re with the wrong person.

so i emailed this to my blonde betty of the north and she asked me what she could do to make herself worthy in light of all of this.

i said what you need to do is get yourself checked out. go to the doctor and tell them you want an aids test and a vd test. meanwhile get your boyfriend tested. then don’t ever have sex without a condom. only time this can change is when you get married.

our parents’ generation say that they saved sex for marriage, mmmh hmmm i believe that. the following generations probably wont ever live up to that but they should save non-safe sex for marriage. i don’t think that’s a bad compromise.

think about how great your wedding night will be. you would have been recently tested. you will look at your rings, and your gifts and your white purse full of envelopes, and then you will look at your test results and for the first time since reading this blog post you will have sex without a condom and trust me when i tell you it will be a night you will never forget.

okay that’s the sermon for this morning. i heart you miss sweden and your girlfriends who you want to travel here with and share with me. but if you do that everyone must have the proper documentation.

then you can teach me some other foreign words.

your pal,

tony

how to live your life my way

i had one of the best weekends in a long time. it was so much fun making out with you. i didnt think that a big time hollywood movie star would find me in the least bit interesting, but thank god for pills huh?

after i dropped you off friday night i went home and started going through my email. i had something from the girls over at mad pony who said some of the sweetest things to me. i love fan mail, dont you?

dear women of the world, if you want to make me happy please keep sending those cards and letters. its makes me so happy.

on saturday my exgirl chris took me to see your movie with eminem. i must say i was blown away. what a great movie. so not cheesy. great movie. even dissed my boys the beasties, which was so funny. i loved it. and brittany you looked so hot. you popped right off the screen. my neighbor said that you looked too good for that crew but sometimes its like that.

thank you for the new jay-z cd. i love it. it reminds me of pauls boutique. so many different musical styles. i remember back then the dust brothers were the shit and now the neptunes are, and they obviously opened their notebooks and let the jiggaman take whatever he wanted and hell, he took a double album full. what a hip hop weekend i had. maybe thats why im so happy.

maybe its you.

it was so much fun hanging out with chris though. shes so gorgeous and we have so much fun together. we had spinach and shrimp and scallops and lettuce wraps at pf changs and the spinach was so garlicy we barely ate any and they were nice enough to remove it from the bill which shocked me because theyre not really known for their service, but that was super slick, so thank you pf. we’ll be back.

and then maybe ten minutes after chris dropped me off at home ashley surprised me and showed up with some pizza slices and decided to spend the night which was good because i dont like staying mad for too long and she was very apologetic and very beautiful and bought these new little socks that looked real good and sometimes a girl will say, lets do anything you like, and you dont know what to do and other times a girl will say that and you’ll know exactly what to do.

and as much as i try to push ashley away, on many many levels we are eye to eye, i feel extremely comfortable with her, she fully loves me no matter what bs is happening, she totally wants me, and i really know my boundaries with her. we watched the last half of “gimme shelter” which she’d never seen and then you on saturday night live, and you were terrific by the way, and then we went to bed.

tossed and turned and eventually fell asleep.

in the morning i woke up and i tried to crawl out of bed as football was calling my name and she had the death grip on me and even asleep she wanted me. i said it’s twenty minutes after ten, i must leave. and she said, no, cuddle.

long naturally curly blonde hair, cute little necklace, she looks like a hippie girl straight out of the sixties when shes naked. little wood nymph girl with a big smile. she said ten more minutes. i said i wouldnt miss a half hour of football if you were pam anderson.

fifty minutes later i was finally leaving the bedroom and i realized that there werent any games i wanted to see, so we drove over to poquito mas and had lunch, then the ninety nine cents store, then she had to go to work and i had to watch the raiders.

ah, the raiders. east bay assassins. and no finer victim than that man named brady.

under the cover of darkness the silver and black ripped apart the pats and it was delicious. but i wont gloat because this season isnt even half way done and the raiders are in the toughest division in the nfl. and theres bigger fish to fry.

all i have to say is thank you lord, it was a great weekend and i didnt deserve an ounce of it.

anyhow, brittany, sorry i gave you a hickey. i promise i wont be that rough again.

xoxoxox

tp

keanuvision

so on friday i made a u-turn after i left work and climbed back into chopper one.

this time without the prying eyes and hands and commands of hq.

i took her up and started pressing all the buttons i didnt see described in the three ring binders ive been pouring over.

most people wouldnt recommend that you do such things at 40k feet but most people would tell you that im not most people.

fortunately choppper one is idiot proof because the xbi knows that the only people who would ever be crazy enough to be flying an untested black copter that could be mistaken by the military as being a threat, would be crazy enough to

oh shit.

the seat suddenly became very warm and began vibrating like crazy.

a sultry voice said

massager

i flicked another switch and a fluid poured into my mask.

canadian dry ginger ale

i flicked the switch again

diet canadian dry ginger ale

i flicked it twice more and the fluid stopped.

instead of pressing the buttons or blindly, and may i add, foolishly touching the controls, you can just ask me. the voice said.

how about shutting the hell up. i thought.

i should probably alert you that i can also read your mind. your helmet, captain.

i pushed the throttle and began tearing across the sky.

ive been waiting for you the voice said. no need to fight me.

i pulled back on the wheel and the copter began to flip.

the boys below warned me not to try to “eat her out” which was a crude way of saying to fly upside down.

suddenly the machine righted itself, the panel lights flashed in unison and blinked off.

not so fast

i couldnt move my arms. i couldnt move my feet. the lights went back on but they blinked in patterns.

ive adjusted the magnetic field in the cabin. your jet suit is now forcing you to sit still.

and thats when chopper one took it out of first gear and began to really fly.

random fixation

from JPL News today.

The early morning hours of Nov. 19 (late tonight) may be your last chance to see the spectacular Leonid meteor shower in its full glory, according to astronomers.

“Even with the full Moon, this year’s Leonids will probably be better than any other for the next hundred years,” said Dr. Don Yeomans, an astronomer at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, Calif. “If you’re ever going to see them, this might be the year to try.” NASA is taking advantage of the event for several research efforts around the world.

The shower is predicted to have two peaks, each a couple of hours long, during which the most meteors can be seen. The shower’s second peak, most prominent in North American skies, is expected at around 2:30 a.m. (Pacific time) Nov. 19, and promises the rare spectacle of a few meteors every minute or even more. “Observers in good locations away from city lights might see a few hundred per hour. You’ll only get to see the bright ones because the moonlight will wash out the ones that aren’t as bright,” said Yeomans. Last year, observers did not have to contend with the Moon and saw meteors at a pace of several hundred per hour.

An earlier peak is expected over Europe and Africa the night of Nov. 18, and observers in North America might see a few grazers — meteors skimming the top of the atmosphere — from this first peak starting around 8:30 p.m. (Pacific time) Nov. 18.

The Leonids are grains of dust from comet Tempel-Tuttle colliding into Earth’s atmosphere. Most Leonid particles are tiny and will vaporize very high in the atmosphere due to their extreme speed (about 71 kilometers or 44 miles per second), so they present no threat to people on the ground or even in airplanes. As it progresses in its 33-year orbit, the comet releases dust particles every time it comes near the Sun. Earth intersects the comet’s debris trail every year in mid-November, but the intensity of each year’s Leonid meteor shower depends on whether Earth ploughs through a particularly concentrated stream of dust within the broader debris trail.

The dust that Tempel-Tuttle shed in 1866 makes up the stream predicted to give Americans a good show this year. Last year, people in Asia saw the plentiful collisions within that stream. A dust stream from 1767 provided last year’s peak hour of viewing in North America and will provide this year’s peak hour of viewing in Europe. After 2002, Earth won’t hit either of those streams again for decades to come, and is not predicted to encounter a dense Leonid stream until 2098 or 2131.

The golden rule for watching the Leonids — or any meteor shower — is to be comfortable. Be sure to wrap up warmly — a sleeping bag placed atop a lawn chair facing east is a good way to enjoy the show. Put your chair in a clear, dark place with a view of as much of the sky as possible. Don’t stare at any one place. Keep your eyes moving across the sky. Most Leonids will appear as fleeting streaks of light, but watch for the bigger ones that produce fireballs and trails. Some trails will remain visible for several minutes or more.

scienceblog

bring on green bay

this time your momma wont be able to save you.

yo, mailman.

you fixin to retire soon?

nope.

me neither.

what do you think about ashley and tony.

same ole same ole. i take a drink every time they break up.

why doesnt he just make her his girlfriend and get it over with?

i think he likes someone else.

who?

everyone knows.

who?

anna.

oh, her. shit.

hell i’d wait around for that shit.

dude, did you see fragrant’s latest photo essay?

of course, i lurve her.

me too.

what happens if it turns out shes not a anorexic ex fashion model after all and really a three hundred pound dude?

i guess that would make us gay.

did you see the one she did in october?

yes. im telling you. i’m all about that psycho killer.

qu’est-ce que c’est?

did you see hbo do that nice little tony tribute to get his readers to buy his book?

oui.

why are vous parleying en francais n shit?

ameusment

can you believe the Vodka Pundit gets so many hits and he barely writes anything?

how do you know he gets a bunch of hits?

watch what happens when he links to the busblog, people flood like crazy. its amazing.

maybe he gets lots of hits cuz people keep seeing if he’s written anything.

no, he gets a lot of hits, trust me. tons. and he normally writes a bunch more.

it’s that picture. ladies love the blog of a handsome man.

then why does tony get so many hits?

sometimes popularity knows no reason. ask the bush family.

i had a nightmare last night.

do tell.

i dreampt that bush beat gore in ’04, honestly this time, and then jeb ran for it in ’08.

the most likeable bush of them all.

oh god.

life is pretty much over, isnt it.

god, i really hope so.

rock paper scissors championships

(Costello)

Who’s this kid with his mumbo jumbo

Living in air-conditioned limbo

Though they treat him just like a guest

He’s living under threat of arrest

Now that he’s finally trying to make some sense

He drinks in self-defense

Give me temptation

The subtle touch of authority will

Take you anytime down to the station

You say that it’s alright by me

Now you’re living with the curse of sophistication

Now that you’re shackled up to the rigmarole

With absolute control

I see you lying so wide awake

After I’ve given you all that you can take

So for heaven’s sake

Give me temptation

Still you want to succeed so badly

Finding your life will not be deadly

You tell me you can take it or leave it

Sometimes I think that you really believe it

You’re just itching to break her secret laws

As you go from claws to clause

Give me temptation

but she’ll come back soon.

i know, baby, in a way shes my best friend too. i know shes your doubles partner. but shes sorta my doubles partner also.

life isnt the circumstances that happen to you, its how you handle those circumstances. so dont cry. not here. not in front of everyone.

shhh shhh shhh.

it’s okay.

youre both young and talented and rich and cocky and youre good for each other. i have no idea why you let her date guys like enrique even if it is a joke, but the joke has lasted long enough and if you wanted to get me jealous im jealous. i want her back as much as you do.

dont you think i want to make money off her ass too?

lets play a game martina. in her honor. it’ll be like a russian drinking game.

every time you miss her you take a shot of vodka.

or write a nice letter, or do twenty push ups, or pop in a tape a naughty tape. and then call me.

in fact why dont you do all those things in that order every time you miss her.

i know shes your best friend, but thats not really cheating.

the phone? please. you cant cheat over the phone, plus im not really her boyfriend.

technically enrique is her boyfriend. phhhhhttttttttthhhhhhh.

so go back to your game now, baby.

she’ll be back soon and she’ll be back better than ever.

i promise you.

3rd leg