Strangeways Here We Come

Sire Records

“Girfriend in a Coma”

Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it’s serious,

Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it’s really serious.

There were times when I could have murdered her,

But you know I would hate anything to happen to her,

No I don’t want to see her.

Do you really think she’ll pull through?

Do you really think she’ll pull through?

Doo hoo ohoo oo hoo

Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it’s serious,

My, my, my, my, my, my baby, you’re mine.

There were times when I could have strangled her,

But you know I would hate anything to happen to her.

Would you please let me see her.

Do you really think she’ll pull through,

Do you really think she’ll pull through,

Doo hoo ohoo oo hoo

Let me whisper my last goodbyes, I know, it’s serious

hi tony, you big jerk.

do you love me anna?

no, not tonight i dont.

do you love enrique tonight?

yes, he’s my sweetie.

i thought i was your sweetie!

no youre my furry bear.

anna, what are you and martina doing losing to a spaniard and an argentinian in doubles at the us open?

those girls are good!

not really, blondie.

what are you doing losing your first softball game, tony?

i played like shit.

thats what i heard too.

i flew out with the bases loaded.

trying to hit a glam slam?

it’s grand slam, and yes, thats what i was trying to do.

trying to impress carlisa?

nothing i did today impressed carlisa, who played excellently tonight.

i hear you and ashley are back together?

i wouldnt go that far, we’re just agreeing to try to work things out.

do you want her as your girlfriend?

no.

so whats to work out?

i dont want you as my girlfriend either, but we still have things to work out, anna.

like what?

like how you keep flaunting this sick lust affair you have with enrique.

oh tony, quit being jealous. he and i are just friends.

i saw your little lap dance.

it was trick photography.

you never lap danced for me.

not true.

come back to me, anna.

no.

for old times sake.

nyet.

just for about twenty minutes.

ew. no!

marry me.

i hafta go to bed now.

but its so early.

i didnt say i had to go to sleep.

youre killing me, anna.

im sure you’ll forget all about this tomorrow night when your girl returns.

you know youre the only girl for me.

ha!

i swear.

your nose is growing.

ok, go attack that overpaid taquito.

i’ll call you soon.

bye anna spazamma.

bye tony balongna.

“undisputed.”

since i know that a lot of hollywood producers and writers and actors read my blog i have some tips for you all.

first, quit making boxing movies.

pro boxing is barely interesting as it is and you have very little chance now, post-Rocky III to make a decent movie about this “sport”.

in order to try to make things slightly different, “undisputed” tries to make it about boxing in prison with a mike tyson-ish pro boxer serving some time (played decently by Ving Rhemes) in a state prison who challenges long time convict (snipes) who has been in the pokey ten years and hasn’t lost a fight… yet.

now the only way that you can write this decently is to have both fighters respect each other, a little. Ving’s character is undefeated outside of the jail, Snipes is undefeated inside. they should respect each other. then they should hate each other for some reason. Snipes because Ving is the man he could have been if he hadn’t done whatever fucked up shit he did, and Ving should hate Snipes because … oh, i don’t know, lets say because he is a far more spiritual and centered individual despite the fact that he has a

ball and chain around his leg. but what would be better is, if Snipes wasn’t played by Snipes at all, but by a white guy. let Ving hate him because he’s strong, proud, formerly rich, and white. white white too, like Ed Norton.

undisputed doesn’t have any of this tension cuz it sucks shit.

then what you have to do is make them learn something from each other. the Snipes character can learn that he is, lets say, a teacher that he never thought he could ever be. he can teach the Ving character that life ain’t solely about the bitches and money, but finer things like inner peace and being a good man. he can also teach him some sweet jailhouse jackmoves that Ving can use when he tries to regain his title once his time has been served.

Ving can teach Wesley about celebrity being a prison. about how a black man isn’t respected any more outside the prison than inside. in many ways Snipes is more respected inside the jail than the Tyson-type is treated outside the jail.

and then of course you need to have them brawl and kill each other.

as in dead.

as in fucking romeo and juliet i cannot believe they both broke each others necks in the double psyche-out battle that ends in a double brain damage blood spurting oh my god oh my god someone get a doctor, Ed Lover made a great play by play guy in “undisputed” and his comedic sensibilities would have contrasted perfectly with how he could have narrated the mayhem when

these two fine athletes and men ended up doing to each other what the brutal sport does to all participants: destroys them, spits them out, and cleans the canvas for the next two suckers.

instead “undisputed” gives us flat characters, absolutely no blood, no sex, and very little violence.

big fat rotten terrible fakeout movie directed by someone who has made some damn fine movies in the past but here phones in his little film and sends the crowd home unsatisfied and wanting to break some asshole’s nose.

i am either several miles under the city, flying high again like randy rhodes above this fair metropolis, or out on the sea like mariah carey in that one video.

all i know is im bummed that i cant really write you very much today, just know that i’m not like those other bloggers who will leave you hanging day after day week after week.

watched american idol last night, so happy i didn’t bum rush the kodak theatre. did that show peak too early or what? sucked. i hope they both lose.

reminded me of this time that i stole $5 from my moms purse as she was gardening so i could run back to the arcade to satisfy my Space Invaders habit.

back then Space Invaders was the shit. the only thing. we were marveled by it. in a trance because of it. we tried to calculate how much money it was making for the arcade and therefore how much we would have to pool together so as to purchase one and put it in our basement and charge the children.

after i gorged i felt terrible and i asked my mom if there was something i could do to help her garden.

whatever she said i didn’t do, i just felt bad. too bad to help. sick of space invaders, sick of being a kid, sick of the summer, sick of being me.

one thing i love about being this deep undercover is i am not me right now.

im super dooper agent 8121.

im a specialist. i deal with sound waves as weapons. first i hit them with the low tones. so low they cant hear them, only feel them. after a while it rings totally wrong with the inner ear and makes the sickly puke.

then right before we go in i blast the high tones. they cant stand it and they go for the exits and open the doors and hi, we’re right there waiting for them.

fuckbrains.

problem is these characters are spread out and they keep moving and our inside men aren’t communicating with us and its making us nervous. either they’re dead, or tied up or switched sides is what most people think. i just think they cant reach us. i always think positively.

and right now i positively have to pee.

i love you all.

agent la vista signing off.

peeeeeeoooooooop.

and i like to oblige requests

1. born in washington dc

2. all Black

3. virgin till 21

4. first concert: jackson 5

5. second concert: ac/dc “back in black” tour

6. first car: cadillac sedan deville

7. tv always is on

8. c student

9. moved to california the day after hs graduation

10. very comfortable with public speaking

11. ghost stories at night terrify me

12. plays the lotto at least once a week

13. favorite tv station is E!

14. letterman over leno

15. conan over kilborn

16. tsar is my favorite band

17. been to europe three times

18. likes to eat liver

19. doesnt like to eat onions

20. once kissed 7 girls one night

21. telephone number starts out 666

22. favorite book is the Bible

23. always capitalizes God

24. always capitalizes Black

25. watches howard stern an hour a day

26. listens to howard stern an hour a day

27. doesnt really know mariah

28. award winning arts editor

29. award winning bass drummer

30. drinks a two liter of soda a day

31. wants not to belive in astrology but does

32. hates to dance

33. homebody

34. only saw nirvana play live once

35. favorite beer: sam adams

36. can eat chicken every day

37. falls asleep within minutes of going to bed

38. had the best sex of his life this year

39. has to write several times a day

40. loves christmas lights more than Christmas

41. cheap as hell

42. would never own a gun

43. subscribes to: playboy, jane, the onion, transworld skateboarding, us weekly and details.

44. likes rocky road icecream the best

45. likes pepperoni and sausage on pizza

46. once made a lot of money, doesnt any more, lives pretty much the same

47. has about 7,000 baseball cards

48. has about 150 video tapes

49. 20 friends live within 5 miles

50. lives next door to the largest church in hollywood

51. ok about being better than 85% of paid columnists

52. once jammed with rivers

53. met sonic youth backstage twice

54. interviewed kim deal in 1990

55. interviewed frank black in 1991

56. failed first driving test

57. kicked out of third grade for three days for throwing a snowball and hitting david richardson

58. david richardson and his brother mike ended up being pro soccer players

59. other favorite books: bukowski, notes of a dirty old man; jeff noon, vurt; lynda barry, cruddy

60. doesnt believe in luck, destiny, or karma

61. drinks whole milk in cereal

62. loves Big Brother, Survivor, the Osbournes, and the Anna Nicole Show

63. if i was a billionaire i would buy the chicago cubs

64. been to dodger stadium more than wrigley field 🙁

65. thinks oj didnt do it

66. calls mom every sunday

67. thinks george bush is a total loser

68. thinks bush should go to afghanistan to find osama

69. hates to know anything about a movie before going

70. loves chinese food and thai

71. has a maid

72. has never had a bad blind date

73. doesnt have a working dvd player

74. cant believe the money i’ve made off this blog

75. good cook

76. wants lots of kids

77. got isaac hayes to sign a baseball

78. has been to nearly every mall in california

79. loves twain, heminway, williams, and vonnegut

80. loves hot tubs

81. wants to go to Heaven

82. can function on 3-4 hours sleep very well

83. walter payton stopped his jeep to sign an autograph for me

84. isnt a very good handyman

85. hasnt had cable in 6 years

86. loves sexual tension

87. doesnt love fake boobs

88. favorite guitarist: angus young

89. needs meat with every meal

90. drinks oj or apple juice each morning

91. wishes everyone had a blog

92. loves pro football

93. prays every night

94. terrible memory

95. doesnt get jealous

96. likes to dive into work

97. loves people as in Loves

98. has very clean hands

99. thinks pete rose should be in the hall of fame

100. still loves The Simpsons

im still on the super cali fragile istic sexy under cover like a mofo but i had to slip into this korean internet cafe to tell you a little about whats going through my mind right now.

there was a girl who i liked in highschool who was so cool. she had red hair and freckles and a big smile and was point guard for the girls basketball team and played volleyball and soccer and i really had a massive crush on her and i know that if i had gone for it my entire life would have changed maybe for the better.

i bring this up because one of the girls whose lives we are trying to save reminds me a lot of her.

now my girl was loved by the geeks, dweebs, losers, preps, jocks, sleezeballs, and burnouts alike because she had girlnextdoor looks – not too crazy, but everything in the right place – and emily post manners. she was sweet to everyone even me who loved to go one-on-one with her before practice in the good gym.

both point guards i would talk so much trash as she dribbled on me.

“red headed stepchild, girl at that, not even a woman. know why theres no pro women’s basketball teams? cuz even little boys could beat their … whoa.”

and she would drive right past me, lay up the ball, catch it when it got through the net, do three push ups and hand me the ball.

kicked my ass royally each and every time.

made me fall in love.

our senior year it looked like she had a pretty good chance to make it to the homecoming court. now i was a pretty popular guy myself so i figured that i probably could have gotten said yes to by her, but i never asked her, and just this afternoon i realized why i didn’t go for it.

she was too popular!

everyone loved her and everyone fell in love with her and i just didn’t want to be another guy who would wander the halls with her on my thoughts. even back then i was all uptight about being original or different or whatever it was that i didn’t really allow myself to just like the girl who i really liked.

the kids in school woulda called me retarded had they known.

so whats the lesson?

aint no lesson.

we all make mistakes, we all go through life alone, if i had asked her and fallen in love for all i know i woulda married her and stayed in hangover park, illinois across the street from my mom and my sister and i wouldn’t be chasing the bad guys down wilshire blvd on a hot afternoon in los angeles, like im about to.

nor would i be writing to you.

my favorite thing to do.

ok, i just had some of the best pound cake and even though i dont have to go, i should go, cuz if we end up sitting in that car for longer than i expect and i hafta poop my partner is gonna say, “i thought you took care of that on your break.”

and i’ll have to explain that i was busy reminiscing about the homecoming girl who got away.

ta!

p.s. tell me who’s gonna win this american idol thing, justin or kelly, thanks!

maniacal xbi double doings going on today. so this will be the only post of the day.

and i know i sound like the traveling salesman newlywed telling his dear wife that he really has to drive up to rhode island for this one big sales pitch, but i swear that i do. i promise that im not cheating on you. i promise that im not really holed up in some dingy Super 8 with a “dancer” named cheyenne who has a dragon tattoo from the back of her neck down her spine around her ass and down the back of her left leg, whose kisses are serpentine, whose nails dig and cut and slice, whose unsatiable appetite has turned her latest victim into a broken shell of a man only to be awaken with fresh squeezed apple juice as brown as her tan.

it sucks that my palm pilot is broken and i cant update from the road.

IT swears that they cant help me. it would have been nice if they had emailed me this morning to let me know. it would have been nice if i hadn’t had to SOS their boss first, it would have been nice if they would have accepted some of the unlicensed software that i could get my hands on in a matter of minutes, but no, life isn’t fair. it never has been.

today is my friend Charlie’s birthday.

charlie (pictured next to his latest sculpture “maui dream”) has had a long and storied career. he was editor & chief of the daily nexus, he was editor of Prognosis, he was teamed up with Layne on Tabloid, he was my roommate on haight street for a little while.

charlie lived in the purple house and now moved across the 2 into a property that will soon be the coolest bed and breakfast in all of echo park.

he has an incredible girlfriend and together they made one of the finest holiday dinners ive ever gorged on.

what else? he reads a lot, writes a lot. lived in texas for a while for no good reason. doesn’t have a blog for no good reason. hasn’t had to go into an office to earn his keep, which is a huge accomplishment, if youre scoring at home, and if youre scoring at home please use protection.

anyhow, today chuck turns 44. my doesn’t time fly. i don’t know if ive ever seen charlie naked, but i think ive seen him topless and i know why bonnie has stayed with him for so long.

because they love each other a lot.

so happy birthday charlie hornberger, friend who appeared on Rescue 911 and after they showed the clip of him stage diving off a 100 foot tree onto the swarming frisco new years eve union square crowd stunned host william shatner forcing him to quip, “fucking a man!”

fucking a, indeed,

man.

last day of the holiday weekend. i have made some strides towards this proposal.

bought a new chair at best buy with chris. $75, very comfortable, but it has armwrests which i think was what i really needed the most.

the camera exchange was a lie. i felt pretty upset because i have spent an inordinate amount of time on the salesfloors of consumer electronics stores and the man flat out told me that if anything went wrong they would exchange it for a new one (a practice they do for cell phones, printers, walkmans’s etc.) if i bought the extended warranty. turns out it was a service warranty. they agreed that it took blurry pictures and stupid me i left the cam at the store for them to repair it, forgetting that im going on vacation in three weeks, and rarely are items repaired and returned in 21 days.

the hitman thinks i should drum up a collection for a new camera. he has a pretty good arguement. he says everyone likes the photo essays and people would like to see more of them.

id feel weird asking for something like that when there are people like kat who has kids and cant even pay her electric bill. shouldnt your generosity go to someone more deserving, or are you solely interested in seeing clearer pictures of tinseltown and all the gorgeous ladies who cross my path?

i know my job isnt to save the world. there was a time i thought that was my role.

now im starting to see that it is to show you this little corner of the world: which is hot as hell today, let me tell you.

so i put together the chair, i fixed the keyboard platform, and i wasted much of the day watching both ends of the cubs/brewers double header. right now the second game is nearly over, its the cubs 17-3 so i think they’ll be okay.

meanwhile there are three cameras that i am interested in. all under $500. one super tiny for ultra stealthy sneaky pics, which im sure you all like. so heres how i can do this and feel okay about it. heres a paypal link for a camera fund. i will put a tally on the left hand side, but no thermometer. it feels very weird to ask for things with people who are unemployed not being able to raise fundages, but on the other hand, the readers of this blog should be allowed to donate for things that they will be the direct beneficiaries of.

im very confused.

if i get enough for any of the three cameras a few days before the vacation, i will go and buy the new camera.

maybe there are 25 guys who feel like flowing $25. maybe theres someone who wants to make it totally easy and just pluck one off my amazon wishlist.

i’ll link the sites who give $25 or more.

why not.

but now i must adjourn to the proposal that will change the world.