he’s in the music biz and he’s sorta nuts, but he loves his family who can at times overshadow him, but he’s a star. no he’s not ozzy, he’s eric olsen and today is his hank aaron birthday. forty four with a bullet.

because i have extremely low self esteem, i save nearly every email sent to me where someone says something nice to me. i delete the mean ones.

the first time eric wrote me he said nice things, which is the best way to introduce yourself. bullshitting a bit doesn’t hurt either:

Dear Tony,

Eric Olsen

since then he has asked me my thoughts on how he could get his blog to receive more hits, and he actually took my advice and with his sharp mind, insightful and well-researched writing, and furious output, he has made it to the highest echelons of bloggerdom.

my advice to him was to link to the top bloggers out there and comment and push their buttons and crash the party. eric pretty much said, “is that all” and linked damn near everyone, talked smack, took names, and created an entirely unique and passionate blog rightfully deserving of its glorious stature.

in person he was talkative, friendly, opinionated, and nice. definitely the sort of fellow you’d want coaching your kid in little league or guiding your band in the studio as he turned the dials and created gold records.

watch as he masterminds what might just be The place to go for independent record and book reviews using the great untapped resource of current bloggers whose energies have yet to be harnessed.

here’s hoping that when we turn 144 we can be this cool, have a hot young wife, beautiful kids, and the good sense to keep on rocking with the groovy new tunes. party on, numero uno producer, and even if you cant get us all those free cds youre ok with me.

maybe she’ll come and kiss me out near riverside.

this weekend i spent a lot of time on the computer but not writing. i clicked my mouse with my left hand while on my right rested a soothing icepack. when i wasn’t catching up on all of your blogs, i looked at some of the sites that were nice enough to link me over the last month or so.

surprisingly, the one written by the ultradepressed anorexic supermodel who is so uncomfortable with her looks that she only goes out at night but still gets invited to go to parties around the world captured my interest and her writing was so good that i read her entire blog. normally the woe-is-me style doesn’t work on me because it’s so easy and predictable, but somehow this one pulls it off. all i hope is that this girl is for real and its not just a really awesome fake, cuz it could be, and im cynical.

but for today, lets pretend that she is for real. lets also pretend that she isn’t a completely depressed as she writes.

but can we pretend that she would do me the favor of an aol interview?

i have so many questions.

sadly, i think that if she is real, she’s probably as painfully shy as i and will deny me.

so all we’ll have is each other’s blogs.

sigh.

since i can’t read into what my mother is trying to tell me or not tell me about my father dying or not dying, i remain in sweaty so-cal, spending my evening speeding east down the 10 freeway to that dive of a venue: the glass house in pomona. the unbathed college crowd was enough to make me feel old and overdressed, and maybe i am too old because i swear this was the loudest show i’ve seen and my hearing was lost on my right side during the second act. maybe i just complain too much. well i know it but still the second act should have just left. i never saw a crowd of people so bored watching a show. finally after four hours of discomfort in my cheapo shoes, the white stripes came out and played one rapid hour of ugliest-man-done-wrong on guitar and that’s-my-homely-enormous-ex-wife on drums but i’ll-tell-you-she’s-my-sister. don’t misunderstand me, they were fantastic, but i’m still a little sick with rex and it hurts for me to watch unattractive stockiness. i can’t barely keep my weight over a hundred pounds at six feet tall and i don’t pound the drums every day… plus they had lousy catering backstage. figure that. – anorexorcism by flagrant disregard

ashley’s friend jenny

supertsar7: hi jenny

supertsar7: sorry i still havent sent your weezer stuff yet

jenny: that’s ok

jenny: i was starting to worry that it was lost in the mail

supertsar7: no, i just suck

jenny: haha, it’s fine, so do i

supertsar7: im sorry im making your friend all sad

supertsar7: she’ll be waaaay better off, trust me

jenny: i understand why you ended things though. but it sucks that you guys aren’t together anymore!

supertsar7: it was waaay longer than i ever expected it to be

supertsar7: i woulda thought she would have met someone else by now

jenny: well it doesn’t help that she’s not in school

jenny: she doesn’t meet that many people

jenny: but that’s just me being her mom

supertsar7: i tell her she should go to school too

supertsar7: college was the best part of my whole life

jenny: i know. i know she thinks she doesn’t need it, but it’s so useful these days. and she’s so smart and capable; it just seems like a waste

supertsar7: truly

supertsar7: other than the education, its the things you learn about life and other things too

supertsar7: just the social aspect of being in a safe little community of peers is a once in a lifetime thing

jenny: exactly. i mean, sure i haven’t taken full advantage of college in an academic sense but i’ve learned so much and grown so much and met so many people.

jenny: yeah

supertsar7: is bc much better than santa clara?

jenny: i’m at bu. and i’m really enjoying it. boston is so much better for me and the college of communications here has so much more to offer than santa clara’s did

supertsar7: are you going to take classes where you get to be on tv or the radio?

jenny: hopefully at some point. i want to get a radio spot next semester, i think it’d be fun. i’d probably just talk about sex and boys the whole time. that is, if they’d let me.

supertsar7: nah, we’re pretty shy about that stuff

supertsar7: this girl i worked with at the college paper has one of the best sex sites on the web

supertsar7: you should check it out:

supertsar7: nerve.com

supertsar7: totally arty photographs.

supertsar7: great astrology

supertsar7: free personals

supertsar7: its like an intelligent site about sex

supertsar7: way over my head

jenny: i think i went there once from your site

jenny: i vaguely remember

supertsar7: she was a super cool, totally hot photographer

supertsar7: now shes just a hot ceo

supertsar7: with a boyfriend named rufus

jenny: haha, that’s a name i use to insult people

jenny: i want to be a hot ceo

jenny: actually, i’d prefer to be a super cool, hot ceo

supertsar7: she is super cool still, im just jealous

supertsar7: what sort of company would you be ceo of?

jenny: i don’t know. i don’t even know what my interests are, it’s rather sad

supertsar7: that sounds impossible

supertsar7: maybe talking about sex is your interest

jenny: haha, could be. i think it’d be fun to write for one of those silly women’s magazines (which i admittedly buy every month)….you know, like ‘i tested 15 vibrators and these are my recommendations!’

supertsar7: ok, listen, any time you want to write something like that, i would love to put it on my site

supertsar7: so feel free to start right away

supertsar7: you can make up a fake name if you want, too

jenny: well, as soon as you send me 15 vibrators, i’d be happy to start my research

jenny: really? i’ve always wanted one. but i’m worried i might get addicted.

supertsar7: youve never tried it ever?

jenny: nope

supertsar7: carmen electra says she uses one 4-5 times a week

supertsar7: but i dont think shes addicted to it

supertsar7: this would be one i would want some chick to tell me about

jenny: haha, a hello kitty vibrator? what will they think of next!

jenny: i want the rabbit pearl

supertsar7: going right for the craziest one

supertsar7: scorpios are the best!

jenny: yes, yes we are

supertsar7: one year i dated six scorpios in a row

supertsar7: i would highly recommend that to any young boy

jenny: we’re the most sexual and sensuous sign of the zodiac

supertsar7: by a mile

jenny: yay

supertsar7: in many cases its not even fair

jenny: haha, well i’m sorry you feel that way. but we make up for it by also being stubborn, jealous, possessive, over-emotional psychos

supertsar7: but also mysterious and sultry and intuitive

supertsar7: im lucky i was born on the cusp of scorpio and libra

supertsar7: so im not jealous at all

supertsar7: or emotional

jenny: i wish i wasn’t jealous. it’s more hassle than it’s worth.

supertsar7: i think with practice people can get over it

supertsar7: although even God says that hes jealous

jenny: well i need a lot of practice then. actually, i think i’m getting better.

jenny: really?

jenny: well then i don’t feel so bad

supertsar7: yeah, way early in Genesis, he says that hes a jealous God

supertsar7: and hes very emotional

jenny: maybe he’s a scorpio.

supertsar7: could be

jenny: alright, well i’m afraid i have to go. my little french friend is craving some grub.

supertsar7: right on, good chatting with you

jenny: it was good talking to you too

jenny: hopefully we will speak again soon

supertsar7: cool!

supertsar7: au revoir!

jenny: bye bye!

but im going to try to give my hands a wrest this weekend.

if you have been following this blog you’ll know that ive been sufferring from a strange form of carpal tunnel that my workers comp doc simply calls “tired hands.”

secretly i have also been sufferring from an odd form of blogaholism. its freaky. even when my wrists scream in pain, i just put a bag of ice on them, take a quickie little break and get back to the job.

problem is, i have been assigned to a desk job lately which only compounds the problem because the xbi is a great place to work, but im out of sick days so i have to suck it up and work through the pain.

my wrists are better than they were last week. but my paying gig is about as much as i can handle and i am hoping that if i just unplug the damn home computer and not even be tempted to use it this weekend — which is harder for me than you think — then maybe i can come back on monday ready to rock.

i hope your weekend is refreshing.

things i hope to do on a weekend of no computer:

read the bible some

add some decorations to the crib

drink at a dark club with some hotties

read the bible some more.

hasta, babies

if you were a network exec in charge of programming

who would you choose?

paris and nicky hilton

without a doubt.

but the real question is, who would you choose?

in here you people wouldnt think that i was at all cool. however the way that meesh and moxie insist on quoting me the truth will creep up to bite me in the ass, so i suppose i need to let out a few dirty secrets before they get revealed in less than attractive ways.

lets start today with the top 10 tv shows that i watch regularilly.

1. The Howard Stern Show

2. Big Brother 3

3. American Idol (pictured)

4. The Simpsons

5. Baseball Tonight

6. Soul Train

7. Live with Regis and Kelly

8. Meet the Marks

9. BET Tonight

10. Project Greenlight

but on Sunday I will certainly be watching the Anna Nicole Show.

hi anna.

i won again.

you sound surprised.

i am a little surprised.

get used to winning, you have a heart of a champion.

i do?

something under your shirt is nice, i thought it was your heart.

do you miss me, tony?

terribly.

do you want me?

definitely.

come and get me.

gotta go to the company bbq tonight, anna.

poo on your bbq.

too late, they invited the counting crows, it’s already pooed on.

i miss you.

you better.

i cant believe you’re only an hour away from me and i cant have you!

comrade, carlsberg is like 3 hours from hollywood, even on a good day.

still, i feel so close to you.

that’s just the vodka talking.

don’t you want to hear about my match?

not really.

come on, i won 1-6 6-2 6-1 over Conchita Martinez!

the spaniard?

yup.

what happened in the first set.

i did like you told me to, i rope-a-doped her.

how did you do that?

i made her run around in the hot sun. i let her win the hard points but on the easy ones i made it more of a game than i needed to.

like how?

i could have slammed a point home, instead i hit it in a place where she could return it. we volleyed. A LOT. and i just stayed on the baseline and made her work for it. by the second set she was exhausted and i kicked her ass in that one and in the third.

anna!

just like you said.

so how will you repay me?

oh, you’ll see.

give me a hint.

when you get home tonight there will be a package on your doorstep.

what will be in the package?

some things that im sure you’ll like. including some pictures of me in some outfits that i will wear when i see you next.

you’re the best anna.

no, you’re the best tony.

yeah. i know.

waiting: for the perfect pill

which a surprising amount of you do, you will notice that i don’t talk about the weather much.

i talk to my mom every weekend. karisa talks to her mom every day! maybe i would talk to my mom more if she didn’t always revert to talking about the weather.

when i hear the conversation drift to meteorology it’s the equivalent of someone yawning and saying, “an-nee-waaaay,” i’d much rather they do as rene often does and just say, “love ya babe, bye,” and hang up.

there are a few exceptions to this rule. jillian barberie can talk about the weather any damn time she wants.

you might know her from fox sunday football where they have figured out a way to get her to talk about the weather in the cities that will host football games later that day.

it’s really just a scamola to get her on tv in front of a bunch of horny male viewers so that they can see her prance in front of a weather map in the latest of todays sluttier fashions, but you don’t see me complaining.

in fact if i inadvertently got sidetracked with CBS’s pregame and miss jillian’s little dance, that’s when you hear me curse that i don’t have Tivo.

Jillian is also on “Good Day LA” my new favorite morning show that comes on right before Regis & Kelly as well as “Good Day Live” that comes on right after Regis & Kelly.

there she sit on a chair that has pillows on it so that you can see her belly even though shes sitting behind the table.

i like that.

she is there to talk about the weather but they usually give her other things to read off the teleprompter and she convinces people to take in stray dogs as well.

i think that’s nice.

the other person who can talk about the weather any time she wants is ben’s little sister kate who writes her ass off each and every time she scootches up to the keyboard.

spending the summer in minnesota, birthplace of bob dylan, today kate takes time out of covering rock music and devotes some space to mother nature, which is indeed different and more interesting in the midwest than it is in this climate controlled oasis of hollywood.

enjoy the gangbang of thunderstorms while you can, dear kate.

and don’t forget to catch some fireflies on your midnight romps barefoot through your daddy’s lush backyard.

i hereby promise to go to more than one Clippers game next season

it can take over 4,000 pictures using just two AA batteries retail price: $420

equally nice is the fact that these sites linked me recently:

mon petit chou

fowlka files

santamaradona

a nation turns its back and gags

dvlsgulch

unbillablehours

fat nathan’s fat head

and it’s starting to piss me off.

these freaking supermodels have been summer subletting the apartment upstairs from my hot neighbor, who it turns out is a modeling agent and apartment swapped with the ageless beauty this summer. normally i like to keep my drapes open in my bedroom because i have a very temperamental plant that my pal ann ferris got me back when i lived in frisco with layne and hilldale and hickey and hornberger and it was the first plant that i managed not to kill.

so sometimes, when im changing someone will walk past the window and i don’t think anything of it, but i guess i was re-reading “dot con” the other evening and naomi got a glance and my girl got on larry king the other night and starts telling all my secrets!

i swear to you, america, im just an average man.

and size doesn’t matter anyway, ask half the girls who wont do me any more.

in the last few days ive been playing a “what if” game with one of my co-workers during lunch. libras love this game, ask meesh. the other day my coworker, who is also a libra, asked me “what if, like in that tom hanks movie ‘cast away,’ you had a wife who took a trip and ended up in a plane crash. she doesn’t return for years and everyone thinks shes dead. you have a funeral for her and then remarry.

years later she gets rescued from the island and comes to find you happily remarried. what do you do? do you break up with your new wife or do you tell your old wife that you’re now in love – like they did in the film – and continue with the new wife?”

i said i would have to keep both of them.

she said, come on, be serious.

i said, i am serious, and any woman who would know me enough to marry them would know that i am serious. my old wife shouldn’t be punished for being in a plane crash. why should she be without her husband? and the new wife shouldn’t have her husband ripped away from her. and biblically you can have more than one wife, so this seems to be the perfect solution.

so yesterday my co-worker asks me, “would you do anna nicole smith?”

to which i replied that i was in college when anna nicole made her Playboy debut. most people don’t remember that she wasn’t even nude in her Playboy debut. from what i could figure they discovered her and she was so hot that they said, fuckit, we don’t have enough time to get a whole photo spread put together, but we can certainly get one great picture and throw it on the cover.

which is what they did, and she was one of the sexiest cover shots that ive ever seen them do and i fell in lust immediately.

personally i love anna nicole. i love how she seems stoned all the time, i love how sexy she is. i love how she looks sexy no matter what her body looks like. i love her white trash sensibilities and her absolute honesty. i love that when she had money she leased marilyn monroe’s former hollywood hills house and filled it with marilyn memorabilia and locked herself up in it.

i loved how she went on howard stern yesterday morning and said that she hasn’t had sex since her former husband expired and that she masturbates all the time. i love how she said that shes basically a nympho who would give it to her next boyfriend ten times a day and would probably kill him too.

but, i told my coworker, i could not have sex with her because before she married the billionaire texas oilman senior citizen, she had been previously married to another man and then divorced. and the Good Book is very clear that its not cool to mess around with divorced women.

my coworker, who is totally catholic said, “no way.”

i said, yeah, which is why i don’t return mariah’s calls and now, j.lo’s.

my coworker, who goes to church every sunday, said, thats the silliest thing ive ever heard.

and then the batphone rang so we hopped into our car and flew off down wilshire.

kevin has flowed a buck into the snoop dogg fund four days in a row. surely someone wants to join him in this race. surely.

today: is our annual xbi summer barbeque and im gonna finally talk to this hot chick who has been smiling at me for months. wish me luck!