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Bill Maher isn’t the only House Nigga

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_759-ohqkY

When you think about what the term House Nigga is —

the House Nigger (if we are to OMG keep it real) was the one who didn’t have to work in the fields because he or she tended to the owners of the plantation, kissed their ass, and pretended everything was a-ok.

Shit wasn’t a-ok. The House Nigger’s brothers and sisters (often literally) were being abused, raped, treated as animals and objects, and had to watch as their children were raped and used and sold and abused.

But the House Nigger would fan the Massa and make lemonade and soul food and play the piano and violin and encourage and enable the slave owner to continue its tyranny… all so the House Nigger could avoid the hard work of the fields and enjoy the House food and House comfort.

So I ask you, is everything a-ok today in your world?

And if it is not, what are you doing to let Massa know it’s not A-OK?

The worst answer is: Nothing, I’m smiling and encouraging him as if this is the sunniest day of the year

Even though it’s raining cats

and dogs.

So if we are to get all pissed off about the use of a single word by a white comedian

Perhaps we should consider the entire phrase, which is worse

and tragically so when we consider

that some of us

may be the embodiment of it.

what if ive totally lossed my mojo

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the pings just arent coming out there in the luxury ride sharing world of your pal tone

today is summer friday so they let us out early but i had to stay an hour late because im dumb

when i finally got on the road things became so bad after a while that i flipped it over to

regular Lyft and got pinged for all these tiny short trips that because they were in UCLA

turned into long ass rides because driving through campus in the day takes forever.

one ride was 1 mile and took 18 minutes.

then i got these norwegians going to the westside pavilion.

i was all, hey didnt you guys have a holiday recently?

they were like, nooooo. i was all, sure you did!

then the hot blonde goes ohhhh the 17th of may? i said yes!

they go oh yeah we went to a festival that day.

how do you forget that?

then i took this dude from the grove to the beverly hilton.

i was all what do you do? hes like stem cells.

i said damn dude, well thanks for saving the world.

then he goes, but i also sell guns.

swear. to. god.

who amongst us doesnt feel like a total space alien sometimes

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i was trying to think about when i was 15.

i was so awkward. weirdest hair in school. shit always got in it.

as a Cub fan id walk down the hallways and people would say Cubs suck left and right.

but fuck them.

in all my classes id get Cs.

except gym and music

and art.

they gave us standardized tests when i was 13 and they said i was gifted

and put me in some gifted classes instead of homeroom

but i still got Cs in the classes.

i knew i was the only black kid in school and i was gonna have problems with girls.

and i did have problems with girls.

but i also had a little luck.

still,

if i was outside after dark

laying in the grass on a summers night in illinois

id look up at the stars and say

any time you wanna pick up yr boy

here i am.

but heres the good news.

aint nobody picking any one up.

aint noone going nowhere.

we are here.

now.

working this thing here out

with one another.

it’s a puzzle so big that no one can do it alone.

not even God.

even He was all, maybe if i made a whole bunch of little scientists

in my image

maybe they can all work together

and do the things and sing the songs and bang the gangs

and in the end everything will be better.

better, not because the tall ones or the pretty ones or the rich ones or the ones with perfect hair had the answer

but because everyone added their weird little perspective

or weird big secret

or not weird and not little flavor

maybe thats why so many of us are here and why so many of us are twisted in unique

freaky ways

she said

and tossed me out of the space ship and into the grass

then flew away.

justlikethat.

which even today

i call bullshit on.

today is my niece kyla’s birthday, she’s 15

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dear kyla,

happy birthday. i wish i knew how old you were when i took this picture of you but whatever.

15? how are you 15! i wonder what life is for a teenage girl today.

television and movies try to show us but that’s all lies.

at least that’s what my witty butler tells me when he’s not fighting crime.

here’s my birthday gift. im gonna give you the best advice of your life.

be good.

when people are good they stay under the radar.

why do you wanna be under the radar?

because youre gonna wanna do some things now and then that not everyone would want you to do.

life is the struggle between doing the things the world wants you to do

and the things that you wanna do.

all while dealing with the parts of your days that suck.

anyone can handle the easy, fun parts. but a human being is someone who can deal with the crud.

so study. do what you’re told. be good to your brother.

before you know it you’ll be out of the house on your own and you can do what you wanna do.

but theres the catch. in the outside world

even if you’re tony freaking pierce

people are gonna try to stop you from doing what you wanna do.

which is why you’ll be glad you have all that practice of being good.

because in the outside world if youve been good

the Others will leave you alone.

what i would do if i was you is figure out how you can get a college scholarship.

college costs more than all of the cars ive ever owned in my life

current car included.

use the internet.

figure out how you can go to college for free.

and get as many degrees as you can for free.

stay positive. read the bible. listen to the beastie boys

and if you drink, dont drive.

happy birthday!

your uncle tony

I have cut the cord

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My life is now complete.

went into the store during my lunch.

dude said forget what they told you on the phone, if you dont want anything but internet, i will get you just internet.

bing bang boom, im a free man.

i feel like I just took a $250 dump.

Memorial Day: another great thing black folk gave to America

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1865 was a heavy year for the USA.

on April 9th, Robert E. Lee surrendered to General Ulysses S Grant in Appomattox, ending the Civil War

it took a little while for soldiers to really get it that the war was over. and in some ways it wasn’t.

case in point: five days after Lee surrendered, Honest Abe was shot in the head while watching a damn play.

but by May most of the soldiers had packed up and made it back home to pick up the pieces.

A troop called the 21st United States Colored Infantry made it back to their home in Charleston, South Carolina. They found it in ruins. It was so bad most of the white folk had left and there were only about 10,000 black people still there – a third of them children.

But when the troops came home there was a huge parade of all the townspeople, preachers, and Union prisoners. The Rebels had turned the local race track into a prison. A horrible prison where over 250 soldiers died.

The first order of business that first day in May was to rebury the war dead, many of whom were white soldiers, into proper graves, surrounded by flowers and beauty.

That’s right: the first Memorial Day was started by newly freed black soldiers and their families honoring the fallen white Union soldiers who helped free them.

cut the cord today

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tried to do it online but they make you call

so i got on the phone and the lady was nice

was from the midwest but lives in orange county

for some reason she tried to make that the reason why i would keep cable and my landline.

i pay $245 a month for those two plus internet.

so i called to find out how much just internet is.

i have very good internet.

what i was thinking about doing is just going internet and trying out the YouTube or Sling or whatever package that gets you like 40 channels for $35, but you need internet to make it happen.

the lady asks me all these questions like what do i watch.

i say i pretty much just watch Rachel, PTI and the most hardcore porn you could imagine.

she wasn’t paying attention.

she tried to move me to a smaller assortment of channels that would knock my bill down to $199 a month and i was all, yeah nah.

and then she said, oh i see something, you have 300 mbs and you say it’s just you in the home?

i said yep.

she said, well thats far too much for just one person. ten devices could be sharing that.

heres a few things no one should ever say to me:

im cancelling our date

why do you eat so much fast food

Cubs? oh did you jump on the bandwagon last year

i would like to slowly murder you

these gentlemen are here to slow down your internet speed

so i told her to transfer me to her boss and we agreed to just basic channels and then leave the internet alone for $120 total.

now i gotta buy a tivo.

went to the cubs game last night with todd

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i dont know what it is with that guy but every time im with him i want to get back into journalism

the ideas just come flowing out.

he hates all of them, naturally, but whatever, here they come.

he bought incredible seats.

we were near the most incredibly annoying dude in the park: loud, stupid, obvious

i got to the game early because i didnt drive much after work. hadnt eaten well all week and i didnt really want to abuse my body with the typical two dogs nachos and a giant coke. so as i was walking around i saw this lady with a Poke Bowl. i was all, where did you get that?

and i pointed right at her bowl which had an enormous mound of edamame twinking in the sunshine.

she said its called Base Bowls, all the way by the left field pole.

cruised over and saw they also had a chicken teriyaki bowl with tons of broccoli.  my love.

$12 seemed a tad less rapey than the other prices at the park

but they also got me for $7 for a Coke.

later i bought three $14 beers.

afterwards we took the shuttle to the train station. i took the purple line to the red line

which only took about four hours.

and i inhaled the most foul stenches of all

and was invited to a duel by a mild mannered homeless dude

who quickly became ill tempered.

im starting to see why ridesharing has become so popular.