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im so bored of doing nothing i cant wait to get back to work
there are many perks to working at the academy: the water fountains are filled with champagne, we get to walk around in tuxes and gowns all the time,
but best of all they give us the week of christmas thru new years off for free.
last year it worked out to two weeks, this year it was about ten days and i did pretty much nothing and it was perfect because now i wanna take on the world.
i had a little homework to do and here it is 1am and i am 95% finished. and i dont think i will finish it tonight, because thats what sort of weirdo i am. i hate finishing things. i dont want that feeling that it’s over. i hate things being over. i want them to tick tock and dont stop.
pretty girl came over the other day and wanted to roller skate and i was all baby its raining out there and she said then lets roller skate inside your house.
which any normal person would say are you crazy super model?
but just like how i hate finishing things, i super hate turning down a challenge.
we will roller skate the shit outta my tiny apartment. it does have hipster hardwood.
speaking of hardwood i need to go on some actual dates.
i was talking to someone today and i was wondering, am i even any fun any more?
do i have anything to offer someone?
what do people do to please each other these days?
what if i missed the train to where im supposed to be and this bus is heading elsewhere?
why didn’t anyone tell me Tapestry is fantastic
cnn was showing their giant deal called “The 70s”
we’ve seen it all before.
VH1 used to do it better (RIP VH1)
but there was old CNN plugging away and they were bouncing around from this one to that one, curiously never showing clips of the subject at hand talking about their success or making the work or anything, but whatevs
and they get to Tapestry and Tom Hanks pops in and says that when that record came out, if you went somewhere with friends in two groups of cars… and if one was the boys car and the other was the girls car… if you got in the girls car this is what theyd be playing out of the cassette deck.
i guess i was never in the girls car because even though i had seen this record name-checked over the years, i never bought it.
for some reason i never knew that this was the record that had “You’ve Got A Friend”, “So Far Away” and “You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman”. and for damn sure i didn’t know it had “I Feel The Earth Move”.
so here i was on a lazy Monday, not really wanting to do much more than order Chinese and listen to some music and I said oh we live in 2017, I can just go to Apple Music and play all of Tapestry if I want. lets see what this is all about.
and not only are the hits great, but the album as a whole is a real thing on its own. and who knew she wrote that Shirelles tune “Will You Love Me Tomorrow”. i even like her version.
so maybe once a week i’ll listen to classic records that i shoulda probably have heard by now but i wasnt in the girls car enough.
stand out once in a while
the night started slow, it was cold, it had rained, but there i was driving a french dude and his rich girlfriend from brentwood to hollywood
and they were fighting.
every now and then he’d switch from english to french
but i parlez frances une petite peut
so.
at issue was the fact that he had texted an ex gf something along the lines of “it’s too bad you have a bf or else i would…”
the girl in the car said, “or else what? what would you do?”
he was cornered. he answered the only way he could – by not answering
“zo, you are checking my phone now? voila!” he fired back.
she ignored him. “what would you do? did you tell her you had a girlfriend? how many other exes do you say these things to?”
at some point he successfully changed it to how she didn’t seem pleased with the expensive meal he had just treated her to.
“of course i liked it. i even gave you money because you overspent on me. it was unnecessary,” she said.
we were getting off the freeway and exiting on a long off ramp. as i slowed down to the stop light to fairfax he rolled down his window, which was odd because it was so cold outside and nice and toasty in my ride.
he reached into the breast pocket of his blazer and removed his wallet. then he took out $40 and threw it out the open window!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING JEAN MARC? she said
“i dont need your money, im not with you for your money. i only want you to be happy. you take lobster, i pay for the lobster. you take champaign, i pay. you take a nice dessert, d’accord. i have my own money. i dont need yours.”
we still had 5 more minutes to go to get to the restaurant and i promised myself that if jean marc threw out any more money i was going to run out and collect it. i wasnt driving out in these wet streets for blog material.
but it was nice to have some.
for once.
welcome to 2017, the year we all die
usually at this point i stare at the ceiling trying to figure out what some good resolutions would be
eat better, walk more, give more to the poor, blog more, take better pictures, link more
but in a few weeks russia will have access to everything.
change your passwords? move to canada? repopulate asap with everyone?
the best part is you dont even need to throw away any money on a tombstone or a plot
we are all going to evaporate
like a thief in the light.
we wont even see it coming.
it’ll even be quiet.
just a flash.
st. peter will not ask how many steps you’ve walked.
he’ll wanna know what was in your heart.
was it fear and ignorance and ugliness and shame
or was it love and openness and charity and peace?
it’s pretty simple, he’ll say looking down at his clipboard
withholding for a minute whether he sees your name on the list
and waiting for you to answer.
surprisingly patient considering he has an entire planet to interrogate.
dear tony, im thinking about driving for uber and or lyft
omg sounds fun.
heres a few things you should know.
your car is gonna get dirty on the inside and outside.
youre gonna use more gas than you expect.
youre gonna put a bunch of miles on your car.
repairs are going to be needed.
not everyone is gonna be nice (but most will be).
so the first tip i have for you, especially now that the new year is moments away: Get a small notepad, something that will fit in your glovebox. This will be by your side as you drive.
What to write in it: every trip write down the time you got to the spot, what time you dropped them off, and how much you are supposed to get paid. (Sometimes the payouts are wrong and omg mysteriously they are never in favor of the driver.)
Also write in it your odometer when you start driving for the day and when you have stopped. (There is software you can buy too, an app called Sherpa Share, which is good, but this is an analog log.)
Also write in any time you do repairs, get gas, get a car wash, pay tolls or parking or buy water for the passengers or aux cords or anything for the car that you are using for ridesharing.
Once a week take a picture of the pages for that week so you have this backed up digitally in case your notebook gets lost, stolen, burned up in a terrible fire.
Yes this notebook is good for taxes, but it will also show you if what youre doing is profitable. Which may be a goal of yours.
Get SiriusXM and play either Metal or Jazz.
the majority of your passengers will say they don’t care when you ask them what music they wanna hear and thats exactly why this country is in the toilet.
young people today can name a half dozen kardashians but not one ted nugent record. wtf is that?
so basically if you’re under 60 i have the station on Ozzy’s Boneyard. if you’re older i’ll put on Real Jazz which is old school Monk, Trane, Bird…
the ride can be and should be an education. and as with most things in life, it starts with the sweet tunes.
best of all you can write off the subscription.
sometimes people, particularly young people, will ask for the AUX cord.
heres my question, if they asked for the steering wheel would you give it to them? of course not.
never let anyone grab your aux cord because the first thing they want to do when they get it is ask you to crank it.
trust me when i tell you, you do not want to crank their music.
not even for the 15 minutes that the average drive consists of. of all the tips, this may be my best one.
do not do it.
they will pout, they will threaten your beautiful driver rating, but trust me. ignore the plea.
instead, say: i have every channel on sirius, which one do you wanna hear.
and then play ozzy when they say uhhhhhh.
Babies are OK if they have a car seat.
if they don’t have a car seat they don’t get a ride.
if anyone complains just say, “look im on probation. i can’t go back.”
they’ll understand
dogs are ok if they can do a trick or if i can take a picture.
most people who bring dogs are women. no one knows why. they usually smell a tiny bit because they’re dogs, but they magically bring joy to you and your ride and it lingers.
have some air spray or some orange peels or something that can get that dog smell out of there once he leaves because i promise you it will smell like a dog a little no matter what their owner says.
you will be hit on. resist.
if one thing leads to another and your passenger wakes up with her uber driver next to her and doesnt remember how it all happened, her memory will never create a romance story. it will be a horror film. slow mo. you will go to jail. no one believes the uber driver about anything. no one. give her your number if she insists, but don’t call her back until the next day.
if you must.
the media is obsessed with uber drivers and i have yet to read the story about juliet meeting her romeo the uber driver.
get a dash cam, preferably one that has two cameras, one that points forward and one that goes backwards. i have the Falcon. it costs about $140, sometimes you can find it as low as $100. i only have the camera pointing forward recording most of the time. but if trouble lurks i tap two buttons and the rear camera is on along with my announcement, “for your safety and mine, the dashcam is now recording audio and video and its being stored in the cloud.” shit mellows out quickly when they hear that. bad news: it’s not really being stored in the cloud. good news: it’s usually drunk people being verbally abusive that you have to say this to and they don’t know.
why do i have the forward facing camera rolling at all times? because people cray and if someone hits me in the front of my car i have video of it. because, no one would believe the uber driver without it. you can write this off too.
take a lot of pictures. youre gonna see some weird shit.
only let people eat in your car in the daytime. people spill. if they spill at night you might not ever see it and sploosh theres some ketchup on the white jeans of your next passenger. no good for anyone.
if its not busy i will take you through the drive thru. but you have to buy me a shake. and let me take a picture. and give me some fries.
but only if its day time.
you can try to be a nice guy who goes in the burger king drive thru at 2:15am on a friday night but one person is gonna barf which is gonna make everyone else barf.
you are the boss of your life. my life has very little puke.
you can cancel rides you know. sometimes you should.
when the passenger orders the uber it tells them how far away you are. it tells them how many minutes it will be. rarely in LA are you further than 10 minutes away (btw don’t take rides where you have to drive more than 10 minutes to get to them).
so when you show up, and you are waiting and waiting, what i like to do after waiting two minutes is i text them this: “hi this is uber, i am [in the driveway/in front of 1234 Boogie Woogie Ave/in valet] is that where I should be?”
two things may happen. sometimes they never respond. hard to believe since they just used that very same phone to order the uber. or they will text back with “coming” or “be right there”.
if after 5 minutes of waiting they are still not there (and you know the time because you have written it in your notebook) you can cancel and you will get $4.
even if they say, “turn on the meter” do not. the meter on uber/lyft rolls slower than you would ever imagine. it’s pennies. not a lot of pennies. maybe 5 pennies. a day. for waiting. fuck that. cancel. the server took forever? no, YOU took forever. thanks for the money.
drive at all hours of the day and night.
but know the worst time is from 1:30am – 3:30am. why? it’s a vomitpalooza, no one gets to your car in a reasonable time, the roads are filled with drunks and cops, people are cold hungry and have to pee, some people are crying, some are trying to have sex in your car, some fall asleep, some try to get violent. nowadays it only surges for 20 minutes or so around when bars close – it’s not worth it. go home at 1am.
and often the best time is at 6am. theres little traffic. often it’s rides to the airport. have a clean trunk at all times.
Once you start driving you will get a referral code for new drivers. They will ask you questions. Answer them. The best way that they can thank you for your knowledge and ongoing tips is for them to sign up using your referral codes (yes you should drive for both Lyft and Uber)
My Uber code is https://partners.uber.com/i/8q88tl
My Lyft code is https://www.lyft.com/drivers/TONY3772
The robots will take this away from us one day. Until then, enjoy the ride.
2016, a year in review
in january mcdonalds introduced mozzarella sticks but people complained you couldnt taste the cheese and when the company realized that it would not be profitable to add enough cheese to the stick to satisfy people, they discontinued the item. RIP mozzarella sticks.
in february, pop singer Kesha, who had asked her record label, Sony, to release her from her contract because she claimed her producer, Dr. Luke, sexually abused her, had her request denied by the NY supreme court because it said her contract was technically with his company and not Sony. for his part, Dr. Luke refused to break or alter the contract. Kesha claimed she could not ever work with him again because of what she had gone through and musicians went to Twitter to support the singer who at just 28 years old had sold over 40 million records. throughout the year she appeared at the Grammys, at Coachella, and on selected cities in a mini tour. in August she dropped her lawsuit against Dr. Luke and just last week she revealed that she is recording some very emotional material. RIP legal bills!
he was fat, he was funny, he had a great accent, he drank a lot, he smoked crack, he did a radio show with his brother, he went to rehab, and in march he died. RIP Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.
in april Prince died. he was the most talented instrumentalist and singer ive ever seen. he couldnt walk five steps without four of them being sexy. for a week after his death all people wanted to talk about was his life, his mysterious passing, and all the times he blew our minds. this was a picture i took at the Troubadour in 2008 and almost got roughed up by his security when i was told to delete it immediately. fortunately i had texted it to my dear mother. what was notable about this performance was it was almost exclusively jazz, prince barely sang, it cost $100, and two of the kardashians were a few feet above me. i left disappointed, but i was royally disappointed in april. RIP Prince
in may i ubered these brentwood school girls to a party in the hills of beverly and then whined about them when i got home. RIP Drake
in june, boxing great Muhammad Ali died and newspapers from east to west paid tribute to him by putting his picture on the front page. except the LA Times, my favorite paper, the one i had loved for decades and subscribed to through thick and thin. they claimed the news came at them “after deadline” which drew criticism when newspapers in New York City seemed to have no problem printing the news despite the time difference. when my subscription ended in november i didn’t renew and the times didnt go out of their way to get me back. RIP subscription
in july there were a rash of murders of black men by mostly white police. some of the killings were documented on video and when the united states of america saw it they were outraged because in some of the instances the police lied in their reports (before they knew a tape had been made), and zero of them went to jail. many of the men were unarmed when they were killed and when one police officer asked why he shot the man laying on this back with his arms up, he said I Dont Know. there were marches around the country and in LA the protesters formed an impromptu peace symbol in Inglewood just over the 405. the phrase black lives matter was formed but the courts and the police departments were all LOL. RIP black men
in august the phone rang and the breathy slightly east coast femmey voice whispered who are you wearing? i said montgomery ward. she said take me to supper and then take me to the stars. it was zulieka, she had gotten a divorce and an airline ticket to america. she was in town. in a convertible in malibu. how quickly could i get to santa monica? i said, ask anyone: quickly. RIP plans
i september in chicago, like most refined cub fans. the weather is beautiful, the beer is cold and usually bleacher seats are reasonably priced. this year the cubs were so far in first place that the demand was low even though every game was sold out. weird how that works. but my buddy bob secured a ton of tix and even made tshirts as we had quite the night. RIP st. louis
in october the cubs faught their way through the playoffs and into the world series. tickets for the three games at wrigley were going for $4k-$20k each. someone asked me if i was going. i said i dont have $4k. they said why dont you try a gofundme. i said, well that sounds crazy and it will be embarrassing if it doesnt work but who cares, the cubs are in the world series woooooooo. and my friends all chipped in and there i was back in the bleachers of wrigley field but for the world series. and in the second row! i still dont believe it. RIP entire bucket list
in november the cubs won the world series and i was still in chicago just in case this would happen and i went to the parade where they say 5 million people were, and people were literally dancing in the street. we all were. it was like nothing i ever expected. and way better. me and my mom went to wrigley and said hi to harry caray at his grave. less than a week later america would vote for hillary but america would deem donald trump the president. RIP america
in decemeber we all realized we are gonna die and nothing matters any more.
people have been offering me things
ways to get out in the public more.
one nice person wants me to MC his wedding.
another nice person wants to host a weekly thing where i interview people at his home.
a podcast of sorts, but it would have a studio audience.
very flattering, all of this.
except i have an idea for a disgusting comic book, and i would like to write it first.
it would be educational, and exactly the thing Schools would love to have:
modern, funny, real, mostly true.
except the illustrations and dialogue are going to be of an adult manner.
this way children will sneak around their house, searching to find the hiding places
where their parents tucked away these mildly pornographic
glimpses into the history of the world
and secretly learn their lil hearts out.
my favorite thing to do in life: nothing
once, right after college, i was fired from Sears. but my boss was cool about it, he said, oh crap you go on vacation in a few days, how about we do this when you get back?
i was all, fuck that. im your best salesman and you wanna boot me? aloha! and i went to maui with my then-girlfriend.
as soon as we got there i took off my clothes jumped in bed and laid there.
she said ok first i was thinking we get some blue hawaiians, then theres a dance contest, then we can snorkel for tropical fish, then
i said, baby, im gonna lay here and look at that ocean, and look at that tv, and look at that ocean some more and if you walk past im gonna look at your sweet ass.
she said, and thats it?
i said, and thats it.
we had a little fight and before you know it i was ordering blue hawaiians beachside.
but i would have been just as happy laying in that oceanfront room.
my mind is racing at crazy speeds most of the time. overclocked. nitroinjected. superpowered.
when i can really just lay down it totally shuts off. i sleep like a rock. even the northridge quake didnt wake me, only my roommates did.
so this week my real job gave us the week off. i could have flown somewhere warm(er), i could have gone to europe. i could have ubered every day this week and paid off some bills.
but i dragged my feet doing one little task after another.
went to the Benz dealer to get hoodwinked by their annual checkup/shakedown
cleaned my room
got the annual inspection so i can drive for Lyft for another year.
did the dishes.
today i will drive uber/lyft a little and i will focus on Lyft because i have noticed there that people love to tip me. maybe its because im awesome, maybe its because people are just nice deep down.
but what id rather be doing is laying down, playing this hockey video game i cant stop playing, and constantly asking myself
“what day is it, do i have to move my car?”
i used to write love songs
